Which of your basic beliefs help you strive and survive in the world?

[Sela]

Hi all:

I thought maybe this topic might be better placed over here on this board.  Hopefully, someone will notice it and reply (there's that what--if-nobody-replies fear thingy happening again! oh...well, what will be..will be, I guess. ).

Some of the recent discussions got me thinking about some of my very basic beliefs and how I think they have helped me to strive to survive in the world.  Thinking about it all, I'm not even sure where some of these beliefs came from but I hold onto them anyway and find them somewhat of a ......comfort.

One is......I believe most people are good and are trying to behave well.  This helps me to try to be kind to others, to try not to judge them too quickly, and to be tolerant of their imperfections (not that I am able to do all of those things all of the time....but the belief helps me to try harder).

Then I started wondering......I wonder what other people believe in and how that helps them along the road in this life?

If you feel like sharing, I'd love to listen.

  Sela

[mum]

Sela, I think our core beliefs run everything. I also think they change over time. If we are not aware of what they are, we do things in an almost unconsious way, and then wonder why life is so awful!
I believe that becoming consious IS the only way to change anything about ourselves (otherwise it is surface and false and will disappear with the wind).

I had to dig down to my core beliefs when I needed to change.  Because I learned that through my beliefs and thoughts and feelings, I CREATE my life (good or bad). Through the power of energy and attraction, the universe in it's unconditional love GIVES me what I "ask" for through those beliefs (which create and drive our experiences)......I decided to change it up!!

What I found was that I believed I had to suffer to be good. So I suffered.  I no longer believe that. I no longer suffer.

Another was that  life sucked and people are mean. So life sucked and people were mean. I no longer believe that..  Life is great, and some people are messed up, but most are nice.

I believed that it was my job to make everyone else happy, even at my own expense. So I gave up myself, for the sake of others, to a job I could never really do (happiness is internal). I no longer do that. I concentrate on what happiness means to me, and in turn, show others kindness and compassion and voila! They SEE, by my example, how they can REALLY make themselves happy .

I believed that I was a victim and was powerless. So I attracted people in pain (N's!!) who lorded over me and abused me.
I no longer believe that. I am in charge of myself and own my power.

I believed that to have my own boundaries and to insist that they be respected, meant to be unkind, and I didn't want to be unkind. So my boundaries were violated repeatedly. Now I believe that keeping my own boundaries with others is the kindest, most compassionate thing I can do for everyone. And I am respected, although I have lost a few relationships that were based on the "old me". I don't mourn those losses.

I believed everyone else's opinion mattered more than mine. So I felt worthless. Now I know everyone, including me, is entitled to their opinion, but it doesn't make it right, or make it mine.  So now I feel worthy and I can let people have their say, too.

[pennyplant]

Hi Mum,

Your old core beliefs sound a lot like mine that I am trying to overcome.  Did specific events occur which opened your eyes and allowed you to see where your core beliefs were incorrect or self-fulfilling?  I mean, what were some turning points that changed you, if you would like to share any?  For me, concrete events or memories help me to learn and change myself.  That is why I'm curious about what kind of event or person let you see that people are good rather than mean, for example.

Pennyplant

[mum]

Penny plant: I was in a really bad space, emotionally, after losing a very harrowing and quite awful court battle with my ex husband (a flaming NNNNN!!!!)
Anyway, I guess you could call it "situational depression" but I was at the bottom of the barrel, having lost my freedom
(I thought) to this evil man. I was angry beyond words, frustrated at the glaring injustice that had been handed to me, and not so sure I would ever recover. Dispair like I had never really known, much worse than when I divorced the jerk 7 years earlier. It was my teenage son who finally told me " you are miserable and you are making us miserable" and this wounded me so deeply, as I have never been a sad or angry person, really, I thought. And I was determined NOT to let this asshole turn me into a pathetic mother as well.  So I guess you might say it was my kids who jolted me out of it...

Anyway, I guess I hit bottom. One of my sisters introduced me to a woman who cut through all the crap, and told me exactly what was going on with me (she is clairvoyent). She told me what she saw going on, energetically and spiritually with me and it was shocking, really. But she was dead on.  She nailed it, all of it. I guess I could have figured it out for myself, eventually, but I was so enmeshed in my pain, I didn't know what to do. She taught me ways to deal with pain, and how to claim my own power over my life. She didn't open my eyes so much as she just told me to LOOK!!!!
She opened a door for me, but I walked through, which is what teaching is all about.... and I think I found her at just the right time. I think that really does happen. A "cosmic tumbler" as the saying goes.

Most people will agree that people don't seek change if they are comfortable with the way things are. Well, I was not, and I guess God heard me and connected me with this woman. I have learned so much from her. I consider her my mentor and teacher, even though I only talk to her every six months or so. She is the one who first taught me how energy works and about attraction and belief systems. It is actually information that you can find anywhere, and everywhere now ("everybody's saying it" says my mentor).
I also continued working with a wonderful traditional therapist, who is not opposed to talking about spirituality, which was a great thing for me to find out....(as a traditional therapist, she doesn't 'lead' with her spirituality). So I got a lot of support when I most needed it.

I don't think it's necessary to HIT BOTTOM like I did in order to change things, but you do have to get uncomfortable enough to seek it. I do believe in the unconditional love of the universe and that if we knock....a door opens.

In addition to these helpful women, I READ everything I could get my hands on about awakening, enlightenment, fear, power, intention....and absorbed SO much, adjusting it to fit ME... and my style. 

[pennyplant]

Thanks, Mum, that helps a great deal.  It makes me think I'm on the right track with the way I've been doing things.  Still have quite a ways to go, though.  The positive thinking is not automatic at all with me, it is still two steps forward, one step back.

I would like to meet someone like your clairvoyant mentor someday.  That would be very cool.  Generally, though, I meet up with people (or cross paths with them is more like it) who have an impact on my life that seems negative at the time.  Then eventually I learn the thing I was supposed to learn because of that person.  It all becomes clear in retrospect, which is where my haphazard journal-keeping comes in handy.  Re-reading and being reminded of how I felt and what was going on at the time also teaches me part of the lesson I'm supposed to be learning.  And it often shows me how far I've come personally since the particular events or people came into my life.

Now that I'm really making progress, and am actually feeling better inside, this journey is becoming enjoyable sometimes.

PP

[pennyplant]

Hi Moonlight,

I am learning a lot from your outlook and others here, too.  One mistake I have made, and still make probably, is not starting with myself as far as kindness and respect.  So, even though I do believe in the basic goodness of others, I have often felt resentment of other people.  MAYBE, some of that is because I did not meet my basic needs of kindness and respect to myself.  Maybe I didn't realize I deserved it as much as anybody else does.

I wouldn't begrudge kindness and respect to others, but I withheld it from myself.  Not too fair!!  And maybe that is why I get so very resentful of people who I perceive as not being kind and respectful of me.  If I give that to myself then maybe I won't require so very much of it from others.

Well, this explains a lot.  Thank you, Moonlight.

PP 

[miss piggy]

Hello all,

this is interesting!

I believe, along with Jacmac, that the Golden Rule is a pretty good rule to live by.  My new realization is that not everyone is going to subscribe to it but I still can because it helps me feel more secure.  This belief has been tested and tested. 

I used to believe I had to earn my right to be here on Planet Earth, but now I realize I don't have to do that anymore. 
A new belief is that God/higher power/creative force (whatever you want to call it) has a plan I don't have to understand but just know that because I was created just as I am, I'm a part of that Bigger Picture, even if others let me know I don't fit into their Smaller Picture.  I can now shrug my shoulders at those statements and attitudes and get on with my journey.

Another thought: Every happens for a reason (even if I don't know what the reason is). 

Cheers, MP

[pennyplant]

Hi Miss Piggy,

I have also had the problem of thinking I'm not even deserving of the space I take up.  That feeling is starting to go away.  It does help to know that God is at work in my life.  Must be I matter then, hmmm?

I agree with you, Moonlight, I have to pay more attention to that little girl in me and take better care of her.  I'm working on that.

Pennyplant

[Sela]

Wow!  Thankyou all for replying.  It feels like you've all given me a gift because people's core beliefs can be very personal and even a little risky to speak of....so I feel a little like I'm asking a lot.   Thankyou so much for sharing!!

Like Mum, who put down some of hers that have changed and how that came about (exposing some deep stuff there Mum, thankyou for that and Yay!  For you!  Because you've come through it all shining like a beautiful star, regardless of those trials).

And Jac, who said about picking untrustworthy men after surviving incest (crazy? you asked Jac.  imo, not really.  It kind of prooved your theory eh?).  I'm so sorry that you had to endure that and I hope some men in your life have prooven that theory wrong.  ((((((((Jac)))))))).  I'm glad you have some really helpful, positive basic beliefs!

Pennyplant:  Positive thinking may not be automatic but just by believing and trying you will soon develop new habits that are likely to help you, I bet.  Repeat after me:  "I do have a right to take up space, as a matter of fact, I am a very valuable and worthy person".  It's the truth Pennyplant!  

Moonlight:  I like that you said your most important core belief is kindness.  I think that says a lot about you and I feel very glad to meet you.  I hope you are being kind to yourself and I'm glad you are aware that that is important.  I think it will help you to be your best which can only benefit those around you.  So, in a way, being good to yourself is a kindness to others (because when you are not good to yourself....you may not,  think, feel, act your best.....and others could suffer).  Does that make sense?

Hey Miss Piggy!  Good to see you posting!  Yes, the good old golden rule (and it's good that you realize that not everyone is going to subscribe to it.....still.......they're just .....stupid ( just kidding!).
The more people who do go with that rule.......the better life will be for everyone, I bet.   If the whole world could agree on one rule........that would be my vote!  How cool would that be eh?   (just a little day dream there....nothing serious. ).

I used to believe I had to earn my right to be here on Planet Earth,

There's that unworthiness thingy popping up again.   Another nasty effect of living in an abusive environment, I think I've learned that on this board.  I'm glad you have a new outlook and are seeing yourself as part of a bigger picture!  And especially that you can shrug and move on like that!  Wonderful stuff MP!!  Good change happening there!!

I find it interesting to hear about all of your beliefs and I find that I share many of them (and have shared some that have changed).   It's a good topic to think about.  Some of my core beliefs are what keep me going, I think, and others, have slowed me down.   Like everything, I struggle to find a happy medium.

Sela

[Sheela]

Without my faith in God, so much of my experience would have seemed purposeless.
Yet I alway s knew that was being brought through a process, a spiritual process.

I felt as though I was being severely tested so I could learn to be strong
and independent after being married to an NPD for ten years.

I needed to develop that strength. Also the extra blessing, the silver
lining was that my children were able to see how much I cared about them,
despite all the obstacles.I believe the fact that I left my marriage provided them
with an alternative ethical framework.

They will never doubt that I love/loved them, because I stayed strong
and proved it.

[Sheela]

Thanks, Moonlight,

Thank you for the welcome.

I appreciate how "uneasy" it has been for you as I have had to watch my children go though so much pain.

It is clear of late that my eldest is also NPD and I feel a little overwhelmed about it and sad.

It feels difficult to have had my kind of past because it doesn't bear telling in most arenas and in my case some of it is too difficult to believe.

And yet, wasn't, isn't talking always the best cure?

Due to my NPD child's behavior of late, it is almost as if the Great Wheel of Karma stopped by to say:

Sorry, we're not quite finished . . .

which of course we never are.

[BJ]

This is a great question that deserves good thought. Before thinking seriously and writing about core beliefs and survival techniques, I would like to comment on something that stuck to me on Sheela's post.

Due to my NPD child's behavior of late, it is almost as if the Great Wheel of Karma stopped by to say:
Sorry, we're not quite finished . . .
which of course we never are.

           
                      K

[BJ]

Sorry for the above error in posting. Here it is in full.

This is a great question that deserves good thought. Before thinking seriously and writing about core beliefs and survival techniques, I would like to comment on something that stuck to me on Sheela's post.

Due to my NPD child's behavior of late, it is almost as if the Great Wheel of Karma stopped by to say:
Sorry, we're not quite finished . . .
which of course we never are.

I've been thinking about "unfinished" and "karma", and children, visited here. It's true, each individual should never be finished seeing, reflecting, growing, and changing. But when it comes to us and our children--well, I continually find myself being accountable to myself and my children, just being a parent. Given my history, this is a good thing. To me, this is living and loving them with intention and attention, for all our needs. Now, I don't always do it right, but, if I can closely pay attention and give attention, then I have a better chance knowing what needs adjusting.  
What about "passing-down" of genetics and breaking the chain of destruction? How does this relate to being "unfinished"? Yes, I often find myself reflecting on how parenting has a way of opening my personal life character challenges and how to do it better. But karma?...that adds a different dimension. And...the unfinished business now begins anew in our children's world. This adds to our unfinished stuff and now they have some all-their-own. Will they even have the capability or open-mindedness, interest, desire, or will to choose to see themselves? And what about their children...and their children? Unfinished also takes on a different meaning...now in the next generation. Do we have better "karma" if we each genuinely reflect and work on ourselves? I don't know if it's about karma?

To me, this somehow implies, hmmm let's say, punishment. Why, if we are working to be the best of what we are capable, why would our children suffer, maybe because of us? Isn't it more about conscious living, biology, nurture/nature, cycles etc. Ya, it hurts to feel myself suffer as my children are growing because I need to be smarter, with every NOW, in order for them to thrive.
I'm not sure I have accurately expressed what I really wanted to say here. Maybe this thought will help.
When the tsunami hit and killed 227,000+ people, I heard a man speak. He was a native of the island and the sole survivor in his family. He asked about his "bad karma" and what he might have done, or not done, every day---to be alive while the rest of his loved-ones perished. To him, his karma has caused him a future of the greatest suffering. It's interesting, would good karma have kept them alive and maybe have taken him? I'm not sure about karma...I guess I'm more pragmatic?
BJ

[Sela]

Hi all:

Very interesting stuff here.  Thankyou for posting.

Another way some might look at it as fate.  Is it my/your/anyone's fate to be destined to strive/survive.......no matter what calamity/stress/or test is givien?  Or is failure certain?  Is everything/anything predetermined?

I truly do not worry about stuff like this.  Maybe, because I think I'll drive myself batty trying to figger it out and deep down inside I'm sure......I don't know and won't know until whatever is going to happen....happens.

So, ya.....if a person believes in karma or fate being the determinating factor in life.....I can see how that might really hinder or make survival difficult, in some cases (I guess I'm thinking along the lines of when a person is sure their karma is poor/bad/not good).

Beliefs can make such a huge difference on our attitude/out look eh?

And they're not easy to change, sometimes, either are they?

Sela

[Hopalong]

Ya know, as much as I moan about having an NMom, she never hit me.
And I think it was probably easier in many ways than having an NDad.

Because the power thing is usually doubled with a male.

I know how destructive Nwomen can be, I do...but I am just also so very sorry for anyone who had an Nfather...much less a violent one.

 
Hops