Wife, Now Mother of A Narcissist

[SheelaNaOg]

I am an survivor of an abusive narcissistic husband, and now after tearful entreaties by my daughter-in-law, I am the mother of a confirmed narcissist

So much has happened to me that it is easier and saner to say, that I have seen it all and have come to understand what happened and why.

Usually I am able to stay in the moment and be grateful for the healing path of my life after I left my marriage.

I was a sued by my narcissistic ex for three years until I lost custody of my children and lost what assets I had, to lawyers.

Eventually it came around as my ex's behaviors finally caught up to him after 11 years. He fled the country and left the children behind.

Aside from the narcissist son (whom I love) I have two other healthy children.

Now that my daughter-in-law is being treated for depression and her counselor has said that my son is narcissist,

I feel great almost overwhelming sadness, not despair, sadness.

All in all, my experiences have been that no one was/is really able to help. The only curative posture is to move away from the narcissist.

Now that I see my daughter-in-law facing the same bizarre behavior as it emanates from my son, I have had to be direct and honest.

I have given her tough advice.  Now I am Left with pain and shame (however unreasonable) that I could not protect my son

from being co-opted by his narcissist-father.

I have just reached fifty and I am tired. So tired.

Thanks for listening,

 Sheela

[Carole]

As the wife of a N and the mother of a N son with two other non N sons, I understand the word "tired." I bolted from a cruise in Alaska last year because of my voicelessness and pain when having a panic attack which was a latent result of a trauma suffered from my N husband decades ago. After trying to leave him and going to what seems years and years of counseling, I came the closest ever to a divorce, but after moving to my own space, I wound up taking him back. He suffered a major depressive episode and I could not turn my back, yet again. My mixed feelings and the pain of separating directed my choice to believe his attempt to understand and change yet again. He is trying so hard that it is equally sad to witness. I believe I love him. I would hate to live without him when things are good. Waiting for the ball to drop is my life. Though after reading all the messages above and learning about NPD, I know I am truly a strong person and a very strong mother. I clawed my way through this life knowing it was not my fault. The issues were so obvious that no one would ever consider thinking it was my fault. But here I am, close to my faith, looking forward to eternal peace and hoping that the time in between will finally see my N husband finding a way to maintain his new understanding and promises to me so we may all feel happiness in our lives.

[Sheela]

Dear Carole,

I appreciate you sharing your exxperience and understanding.

I sympathoize with your panic expereince, I have those from time to time, they are like flashbacks,a kind of psychic PTSD.

Does anyone, having gone though the experience ever "recover?"

I know that I still have anxieties after having been my ex's favorite catnip toy thoughout our marriage.

He still tries to "engage" me through my healthy children, but as they have entered adulthood they have become quite aware of the manipulation.

My NPD son is like his father, derisive and critical.

I have decided to accept this and for the most part, let it go.

I said, it help me to developdistance and detachment.

[:orna]

I too am the exwife of a narcissistic man who has cost me thousands of dollars in order to maintain custody of our child - according to him i am the one that has deep psychological problems - i am truly scared of the damage he can do or is doing to my daughter

[Sheela]

I wish I could offer you hope or relief. Do everything you can to protect your daughter and yourself, but remember that you don't have complete control, if it goes to the courts, chances are that they will not be able to discern his true NPD ature. All you can do is try your best and remember to love your daughter, even if she retains affection for her father. After living with a full-blown NPD, anyone would have "psychological problems" Nothing like a court case to boost an NPD's narcisstic supply.  I found I could do more by remaining eerily calm even when all hell was breaking loose.  NPD's feed on disturbance. That is important to remember, especially if it is (your) emotional disturbance.

Stay strong!

[arlene johnson]

I am an survivor of an abusive narcissistic husband, and now after tearful entreaties by my daughter-in-law, I am the mother of a confirmed narcissist

So much has happened to me that it is easier and saner to say, that I have seen it all and have come to understand what happened and why.

Usually I am able to stay in the moment and be grateful for the healing path of my life after I left my marriage.

I was a sued by my narcissistic ex for three years until I lost custody of my children and lost what assets I had, to lawyers.

Eventually it came around as my ex's behaviors finally caught up to him after 11 years. He fled the country and left the children behind.

Aside from the narcissist son (whom I love) I have two other healthy children.

Now that my daughter-in-law is being treated for depression and her counselor has said that my son is narcissist,

I feel great almost overwhelming sadness, not despair, sadness.

All in all, my experiences have been that no one was/is really able to help. The only curative posture is to move away from the narcissist.

Now that I see my daughter-in-law facing the same bizarre behavior as it emanates from my son, I have had to be direct and honest.

I have given her tough advice.  Now I am Left with pain and shame (however unreasonable) that I could not protect my son

from being co-opted by his narcissist-father.

I have just reached fifty and I am tired. So tired.

Thanks for listening,

 Sheela

[arlene johnson]

This sounds just like me.  I have lost the children I raised, my home, my job...my life.  I was loved then dumped...moved another woman into the home in front of my children.  Attorney fees out the wazoo.  Talked badly of me to others.  I feel so alone and removed from my children

[Hopalong]

Arlene,
This sounds horribly painful, I am so sorry.
I hope you will find support here..and in your real world too.

After what you've been through, you've earned it.
(It can make such a difference to have a therapist, a women's support group...)

I hope you will walk out of your isolation, one step at a time...

And welcome here,

Hopalong

[Sheela]

Dear Arlene,

I feel enormous sympathy for you and I have an understanding of the bizarre experience you have just lived. Foe one thing, the complete die-away of friends, family and supportive people was incomprehensible to me. The unearned shame offered to me as a non-custodial mother seemed unreal. I knew i had not earned it except perhap sin the view that it took me too long to realize in what dire circumstance i and my children were. I alsohad to endure distance and removal from my children. My abiltiy to protect them was weakened.

But aside from all that, I decided I had "agency" as their bith mother that no one else could have and tI decided I would act when the situation called for me to. My biggest danger was losing myself to self pity and woundedness. I can't say that it all came out rosily but it certainly came out better than it could or should have.

This could be the fight of your life and there may be no accounting for your loss. However if you act upon your non-custodial rights and insisit upon them, you will have a chance to help your children in more ways than you can imagine.

My heart goes out to you.

Love Sheela

[ANewSheriff]

I have just reached fifty and I am tired. So tired.

I can imagine how exhausted you must be.  This must feel overwhelming.  Sometimes, when I am all wound up about people, places, and things I remind myself to just be still.  To breathe.  These emotional situations are so draining. 

Spring is here.  I hope you will take the time to go outside and see the flowers and trees budding - everything is coming back to life after a long winter's sleep.  We can too.  These emotionally draining relationships tend to put us in a sleeplike state.  It is as if our critical thinking skills, our own needs, our sanity is in hibernation. 

I hope that you will find some comfort and solace in your own "spring".  You are a weary traveler.  Take your shoes off and rest for awhile.

ANewSheriff     

[blue]

I just wanted to add that my thoughts are with you
i too feel tired..waiting just for the day when i can rest..and not have to feel this constant pull and saddness
I was raised with two N'(both parents)
 My brother is an N and my daughter (my three young ones are fine) (Even my  Grandmother was an N)
and my b/f for five years who is still constantly in my life (because i still love him)
I have been lucky in that I have been able to keep my self centered
But it is hard
Sometimes I am so tired
I have lost so much(money,freinds,etc) and i have tried to hold onto what is important
it is a constant struggle because N's drain you and leave you feeling as if your brain has been turned upside down (because it is how THEIR brain is)
meditation has helped me and having my pets...because they are real
and N's are never real
blue

[bobby mcgee]

Hey, I don't know if this willl work.. I haven't been on in a while.  
I just wanted to commend you women (mothers and former wives) for recognizing the problem.
I am 24 and I just today got out of divorce mediation.  In october I left my husband (can't decide if he was an N or a sociopath or both) but definitely abusive.  His father also really damaging.  First, I thought I just got taken to the cleaners financially, and your posts make me so relieved that we don't have kids... as in it could have been worse.
My former mother in law will never be honest about what happened between she and her son's father.  I think she still blames herself to some extent.  This makes her very defensive and protective of her son.  She was a good friend of mine before I married her son.  When I first tried to tell her that he had abusive tendencies, she sided with him.  From then on she conspired with him, and her failing to be honest with herself and him about the problems (both of her past with X-NH father) and XNH himself, has certainly not helped my soon to be former husband get therapy and it was really harmful to me for our 4 years of marriage.
So I guess this is just a word of encouragement.  You can get trapped in blaming yourself for an awful lot, and taking responsibility for things that are out of your control.  But telling the truth and facing things honestly is in our control, and by getting divorced (after a thousand second chances and efforts to fix things) and by seeing your children honestly, you are doing that.  And that honesty (supporting unfortunate daughter-in-laws while still loving your sons) and fighting for custody even if it means going bankrupt, and loving yourself for protecting youself and doing healing work for yourself)) really means something significant.  Blessings!      

[April]

I am sad and glad to find out that I am not alone.I know the pain and damage a N can cause.I was married to one for 13 years. My N ex is also a psychiatrist and has used his training and money to fool the courts into awarding him with custody of our children.I used to be a stay home mother but all that changed when I had, had enough and asked for a divorce.He had me almost convinced I was the crazy one.I am still fighting this custody battle.I have gathered alot of evidence against my ex and am now on equal footing in the eyes of the court.The last time I went to court my ex's attorney asked if I was willing to have a psychological evaluation .I stated that I was fine with it as long as my ex be ordered to have one too,due to all of the documentation I had filed against my ex. The judge agreed with me.The kicker to all of this is that my ex was ordered to pay for both of our evaluations.I walked out of that court room with the biggest grin on my face.I am going back to court in two days to review the evaluations.Unfortuanately for my ex he has to explain to the judge why he never showed up or called to cancel the appointment.The best advise I can give is to never give up.N's are by nature childish bullies.They run like little cowards when the heat starts heading their way.

[Sheela]

Dear April,

The story you related conveys an important truth: the only things that N's can't effectively oppose is . . . courage.
Bravo!

There is such a thing as justice and we owe to the world to require it!

sheela