Confrontation with faces

[cat]

After being voiceless for so long with my parents, it has spilled over into my personal life and work life.  When people get in my face I don't respond  - - - or I back away from the confrontation.

Confrontation is an entirely different thing to do it on email or in a message board when you don't have to know the people or see them face to face.

A girl at work who seems to confront on an almost monthly basis sends me chastising and confrontational emails after she's pondered something all evening.  She feels it necessary to tell me what I've done wrong - or how she feels about something I've said - months back.  Whenever I get these emails, I just think, here we go again. . . and apologize and take all the blame because she's going through cancer.

It's tiring, it's upsetting, and straining on a friendship.  Any suggestions out there?

[movinon]

Cat -

PLEASE stop apologizing.  It's HER stuff. 

I would recommend the book boundaries.  It has helped me to figure out where someone else ends and where I begin and help me to define my values in CONCRETE. 

It is not okay for her or anyone else to treat you that way and you are ALLOWING IT.  It's okay to say, "THis behavior is not okay with me and you need to STOP.  I will not take this anymore."

One of my favorite sayings:

http://WE TEACH PEOPLE HOW TO TREAT US.
You're TEACHING her it's okay to do this to you.  THis was hard for me to grasp as I grew up in the deep South and didn't want to "offend" anyone by "hurting their feelings".

Unless she's your boss, you can block her e-mails, let her know if she has something to say about what you've done srong it needs to be constructive and professional (if you are even willing to HEAR that from her), or not at all, it needs to be tempered with an equal amount of what you are doing RIGHT.

Her cancer is very unfortunate, but it's not a license to be cruel.

It's okay to stand up for yourself.  YOU wil be with YOU for the rest of your life.

Movinon

[movinon]

Oops - Didn't mean to do the http: thing

Try this:


WE TEACH PEOPLE HOW TO TREAT US
m.

[reallyME]

MOVINON!!! A HEARTY AMEN TO THE STATEMENT: WE TEACH PEOPLE HOW TO TREAT US!

Dr Phil says that   I agree and I LOVE it...so so TRUE

Blessya

~ReallyME

[Sela]

Hi Cat:

What I think you are saying, to a certain extent, is that you have taken the blame because this girl has cancer?

In other words, you usually back away and do not respond to confrontation but this time, almost in a sort of
compassionate way.......you are just taking the blame because you feel sorry for the girl??

Ok.....logically.......is this helping?

Is it helping her to lord it over you, get away with venting. projecting or whatever it is she's doing? 

You could return to your regular mo of avoiding it all by blocking her emails etc and not responding?

But if you really feel sorry for her and want to help......I wonder if it might be reasonable to try to voice your compassion?  What if you tell her what you think and how you feel?

"I've noticed you've been sending me emails monthly and I've been taking the blame for whatever your complaint has been.  I know you are suffering and I feel sad for you and for all you must be going through.  Is there anything else I can do to help?"

Maybe I'm waaaaaaay out to lunch?     Wouldn't be the first time.

I was just wondering if maybe trying to speak honestly and openly would be as scary as a confrontation ?

What do you think?

  Sela

[butterfly]

"We teach people how to treat us."  hmmmm.  okay.  But, how exactly?  Can anyone provide more information on the nonverbal ways we may communicate wrong messages about how we want to be treated?   

[movinon]

A couple of examples right off the back -

A co-worker of the opposite sex keeps making comments to you (maybe even about you) that you find offensive.  You smile and walk away or give a little chuckle from the awkwardness of it.

This teaches them that they can keep getting away with it or keep pressing your buttons.  Instead, I would say, You know, I take offense to that (specific comment or action).  I want you to stop OR If you don't stop, I will _________________.

Another example would be flirtation.  Lots of women seem perplexed why some guy might come onto them that they weren't really interested in.  I have seen too many women flirt for the sake of making themselves feel better or getting their fix.  I have seen MANY, MANY people use it like a drug to boost themselves up.  Then they wonder why this "jerk" won't leave them alone.

Pretty much I see it as not speaking up for ourselves or doing something opposite from where your value system lies b/c you don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.

I used to have a co-worker that would just NOT be quite for a second and I could not get any work done.  I tried (very feebly) to say that I needed to work on some stuff (and she was always negative and griping), but she would not get the hint.  I didn't want to appear "rude".  I didn't even LIKE the woman.  We had nothing in common and she had some HUGE issues she always seemed to want to dump on me.  A friend of mine said I was lacking in the follow-through.  After I'd state a boundary, she kept coming back over and over (within minutes) to run over it and I let it go b/c it was too hard to folow through with something like "What part of I don't want to talk to you right now did you not understand?"

Blunt, but it was better than me suffering for her selfishness.

Movinon

[Sela]

Ps:  If she does not acknowledge the fact that you have been taking unnecessary blame or at least, show some vunerability and begin opening up the discussion with you.......then.......I agree......put up a boundary and stick with it.   This might be as simple as saying:

"Well,  I won't be doing that any more." (re taking blame)  and ending the conversation.

Sela

[reallyME]

"Teach People how to treat you" in my book, is equal to allowing your husband to call you names, put you down and you just sit there and say "ok honey, whatever you need.  I'll get off the phone right now to come talk to you.'

I have watched my own friends, when their husbands walk through the door, literally DROP EVERYTHING and tell me "my husband's home, I'd BETTER GO" as if the dude was standing there with a machine gun ready to open fire on them.  To me, this makes me both angry and ill!  NO HUMAN should evoke that much fear and control over someone...and don't try and tell me it's cause you love and submit to him either.  I love mine and submit too, but I'll be darned if the guy can't wait for me to politely say goodbye or finish up what I'm doing before I talk to him.  That's ridiculous and controlling.

I also watched a former friend, as soon as her mother came to visit, type in "Mom's here, gotta go. Love ya bye" and then while I was at her house, and her mother came in the door, it was like the friggen queen arrived.  Everyone had to stop doing what they were doing and pay fullest attention to "MOM" cause she only comes over once in a while.  It was a very MATRIARCHAL setting and it was STRANGE and uncomfortable, to say the least.  The "MOM" herself said to me, regarding her grandchildren "they need to go to their room during adult conversation...I still feel sometimes children should be SEEN AND NOT HEARD!"

The whole affair disturbed me to the point that I questioned about it, but of course, I was immediately targeted to be demolished on the spot...I was mocked, labeled "mentally ill" accused of things I didn't do, ignored, and just basically shunned and mistreated the rest of the time I was at the house.

You TEACH PEOPLE HOW TO TREAT YOU...I taught them that I would NOT tolerate being mistreated, by speaking up about the weird things I saw goin on.  The treated me as an enemy who "knew too much"

Other people treat me like someone who has a  lot of knowledge that can keep them out of similar situations.

~ReallyME

[cat]

Thank you to all of you for your input.  I can detect that it touched a nerve in some of us!

The resolution of this was rather odd.  Part of what I had to deal with was to determine if this was a boundary that I really needed to take "down to the mat" about.  Or was this something that she was going through while on some type of cancer treatment medication.

Did I want to add to the aggrevation - or let it go?  If I wanted to do something about it - would I hurt her?  Probably.  Would it come back on me?  Probably.  Would it be worth it?  Probably not.

But do I want these emails to continue?  No.  So, I believe until she's emotionally stable (once again, I DO blame the cancer treatments) to keep all conversations "vanilla".  And when getting her emails (if they do come again) to not absorb it like a sponge - but let it bounce of my back into a trash can!

[seasons]

Hi Cat,

Quote from movinon:

A co-worker of the opposite sex keeps making comments to you (maybe even about you) that you find offensive.  You smile and walk away or give a little chuckle from the awkwardness of it.

This teaches them that they can keep getting away with it or keep pressing your buttons.  Instead, I would say, You know, I take offense to that (specific comment or action).  I want you to stop OR If you don't stop, I will _________________.

Her cancer is very unfortunate, but it's not a license to be cruel.

That sounds way to familiar, my reactions to my N's.

Cat,
Did this co-worker treat you differently before she was diagnosed and going through treatment?

Good luck, you got wonderful support and advice. seasons

[Hopalong]

Hi Cat,
Ditto this from Sela, I like the simplicity of it, and especially the END THE CONVERSATION part. I think part of feeling voiceless is not knowing that we are allowed to END A CONVERSATION.

If she does not acknowledge the fact that you have been taking unnecessary blame or at least, show some vunerability and begin opening up the discussion with you.......then.......I agree......put up a boundary and stick with it.   This might be as simple as saying:

"Well,  I won't be doing that any more." (re taking blame)  and ending the conversation.

I also love MO's example, and it could apply to offensive remarks about race, sex, age, religion, culture...anything at all that insults yourself or others and makes them Less Than:

A co-worker of the opposite sex keeps making comments to you (maybe even about you) that you find offensive.  You smile and walk away or give a little chuckle from the awkwardness of it.

This teaches them that they can keep getting away with it or keep pressing your buttons.  Instead, I would say, You know, I take offense to that (specific comment or action).  I want you to stop OR If you don't stop, I will _________________.

Likewise I agree that cancer is no license to be cruel. Nothing is.

Hops