Has learning of the skeletons helped you cope? Long ramble....

[adrift]

Here's what I mean.  As I've mentioned before, my mom was beyond difficult.  She ran hot and cold without any rhyme or reason.  We were never close and I hated her for much of my life. The emotional abuse she put me through (while not nearly as bad as many of you have endured) was very painful and it's taken me years to begin to heal.   However, no matter what she did or said,  I was always a dutiful daughter because she had so ingrained that in me. I was terrified of NOT being a dutiful/loving daughter.  I only stood up to her maybe 3 times ever and two of those were extremely traumatic episodes for me ( the other was a minor little thing, so no big deal).  I buried my hate and put on a smiling face and she never suspected my true feelings.  But it's easy to not suspect someone's true feelings if you aren't in tune with that person, isn't it.   It's easy for people like my mother to think all is well as long as everything is going along the way they think it should---and she always knew EXACTLY how everything in life should be/go.  Her thinking was extremely rigid, very black and white, nearly cultish. She loved to use Bible verses/themes as threats to make me behave.  Her favorites were "You reap what you sow" and "Honor thy father and nother"  The main things for her was that 1) no one rock the boat and 2) I was to do nothing that would embarass her and I was to do everything to make her look good to others.

Anyway, the day she died, I sat and watched her. (Dad wasn't there although he tried to be,,,,long story)  She had suffered with cancer for years, the end had come and she was eaten up with it.  Every breath was a struggle for her and it shook the hospital bed.  But only once or twice did I get up to hold her hand.  My hatred was so strong that I just watched her die without any glimmer of compassion or sadness on my part.  In fact, I felt that as she was dying there practically all alone with no one hovering over her/ no one loving her....I felt I was finally getting to express how I felt.  Gosh, was I a cold hearted bitch or what???   I did cry some later, so I'm not totally heartless.

 But getting to the whole point of the thread title, after my mom died I began to ask all the questions I was never allowed to even ask when she was alive.  She kept her life from me, I knew very little about her childhood and nothing about the years before she met and married my dad (she was 27 when she married him). Mom was from another part of the country, so it's not like anyone I knew would have known about her secret years.  So behind my dad's back, I began e-mailing a relative of my mom's who I felt I could trust.  I learned a little here and there.  After dad died, I started digging big time and the sheer amount of stuff I found was overwhelming.  My mom had a hard life before she met and married my dad.  No wonder she was the way she was.  If I had known her secrets when she was alive, I could have found some compassion and some love for her. I could have forgiven and understood.  But I'm sure she kept it all from me because she didn't want me to think her lifestyle had been o.k. and didn't want me to make the mistakes she had made.  So she made up lies (I've uncovered LOTS of lies, some of which I'm sure Dad always thought were truth too) about her past life and what she couldn't bring herself to lie about, she simply refused to talk about and acted really weird if I asked anything that might even lead to a discussion about her childhood/young adulthood. 

I still have lots of questions, but I think I've exhausted nearly every available source.  Mom's sisters are old and only one had any info that was of any help.  Lots of people I would like to talk to have died.  The story is spread from Alaska to South Carolina, with states in between involved as well so finding vital records is impossible unless I win the lottery and can hire a PI and travel to do research. 

I have a half-brother who was put up for adoption in Oregon around 1950 that I have almost no way of finding (Yes, I've checked into all the Oregon laws, etc...)   I have a half-sister who is buried somewhere near where I live "out in the country" but I can't find her grave. I learned she was hydrocephalic and that she was in constant pain.   Being an only child, or rather having been told all my life I was an only child, I would so love to find my half-sister's grave and be able to tend it and give her a headstone if she doesn't have one.  According to divorce documents, my mom was married to two men at the same time but she claims in the divorce documents that the first husband had told her their divorce was final and she thought it was when she married guy number 2       One of these men stole money, supposedly, from my mom's sister, then disappeared and when mom found him much later he claimed to have amnesia     There's more, but I'll stop.


The picture of the hydrocephalic baby (that a friend of my mom's saw), along with any birth and death records that my mom should have had, have disappeared.  How could she just bury that baby somewhere and not see to it the grave was tended???? Couldn't she have left a note or something for me to read after her death??? It just breaks my heart to think of that baby being so purposefully forgotten. 


Gee, can I ramble or what.  Anyway, I wonder if any of you have learned of skeletons that have made it easier to understand the way your family member is. 

Adrift

[Hopalong]

Adrift,
I believe that your little sister is receiving your love.
Or maybe it's all the lost little graves that you will make lovely when you do hers.

She is safe, at peace, and your grief and love for her are a gift.

Take her flowers, tell her goodbye.

Then, you will see her in another baby, somewhere, who you can help or love.
Maybe in a hospital, or as a Big Sister, or something you've never tried.

Your mother, too, is receiving your understanding.
It didn't come too late. Your bedside anger did not hurt her.

You did the very best you could, and you can heal it all ... by finding your own happiness.

Hops

[pennyplant]

I believe that people don't die until their most important lesson has been taught them.  Perhaps your mother's most important lesson had to do with you.  You got to express your feelings, finally.  It was a gift of some sort.  Either for you or for her or for both of you.

My husband's family has many skeletons.  He has learned about many of them.  He doesn't seem compelled to learn any more about it.  Maybe in the long run, when he has answered other questions that seem more pressing to him, it will turn out to have been good to learn the stories.  In general, it seems to me a good thing to have this information.

I hope you can find your sister's grave.  Keep trying every so often.  You never know how you will gain the information.  I know of someone who also needed to find his sister's grave.  She died as the result of a botched abortion before he was born.  It took him over 70 years but he finally found it.  It was right here in town.  I think he was the one who looked for it because the tragic events happened before he was born.  He was removed enough from the  circumstances of her death that his heart could feel pure love for her instead of being mixed with pain and grief and shame and fear.

Pennyplant

[reallyME]

In my case, I talked to Jodi's mother and found out about how she was as a child and how her mother raised her.  Yes, it did shed light on things.  Even when I talk to Jodi now, realizing her upbringing, where she was forced to look "perfect" in public, but had dysfunctional family stuff goin on in private, it helps me to think "ohhhhhhhh I remember, THAT is why she said that or does that...it's about HER not me"

[DreamSinger]

Adrift,
I believe that your little sister is receiving your love.
Or maybe it's all the lost little graves that you will make lovely when you do hers.

She is safe, at peace, and your grief and love for her are a gift.

Take her flowers, tell her goodbye.

Then, you will see her in another baby, somewhere, who you can help or love.
Maybe in a hospital, or as a Big Sister, or something you've never tried.

Your mother, too, is receiving your understanding.
It didn't come too late. Your bedside anger did not hurt her.

You did the very best you could, and you can heal it all ... by finding your own happiness.

Hops

This is beautiful.


Demian,
  ~DreamSinger

[adrift]

THanks everyone for your kind words.     I've searched high and low for my sister's grave.  I've contacted the only funeral homes in the area back then, but they don't still have their records from the 1950's.  I've searched all the cemetery sites online, I've walked overgrown cemeteries, I've asked everyone I know who might possibly be able to shed some light.  When my dad died I just knew I would find the answers somewhere in papers in his house.  I searched his house with a fine toothed comb THREE TIMES and found nothing.  I couldn't believe it!   I've called the churches around to ask about cemetery plats---nope, they don't do those.      I've talked to a preacher who does cemetery transcription work, but he's never come across any information.  The surname would stand out as it is not native to this area at all.  I've posted on countless websites.  The only thing I haven't done is to go to our capital city to the vital records department to search for information.  A very old friend of my mom's has a name for the baby (if it is correct, not sure on spelling) but I have no date for the birth or death.  Not even exactly sure of the year.  Our state makes vital records available to the public after 50 years, so if she was born in 56, like I think she was, then this would be 50 years.  I wonder if they'll let me search day by day???? Also, the baby was born at home and died at home, so do you reckon it even had a birth and death certificate???????????????

In my mind I see a old headstone with a little lamb on top, overgrown with weeds. Course mom was estranged from hubby #2 by this time so she might not have had the money to buy  a headstone.  Her grave might only be recognizeable as a depression in the ground.

I've prayed about this.  I guess if God wanted me to find it, I would.

Adrift

[pennyplant]

Hi Adrift,

This is what I know from research in New York.  Vital records are required (ever since the 1880s here) and they are filed in the municipality where the event occurred.  They are usually alphabetical by year.  So, here for example, if you don't know the date, they will look for a few years in a row for a certain fee.  Usually the clerk has to look, not the customer.  If she died too recently for the records to be released then you'll have to wait it out.  But if you think 50 years ago is just about right, you could also ask them to look at that year and a couple more back.  They will charge you for this so it is revenue for them and they should not mind doing this for you.

Infants graves are smaller of course, and some cemeteries have all the infants together.  There might not be a marker.  It sure would be nice if you could get one for her in that case.  I hope you find her.  It may take some time, though.  Good luck, A.

PP

[Hopalong]

Hi Adrift,
If it's healing for you to find her actual grave, go for it.

I am wondering though, do you think you might alternatively like to devise a little ritual, full of love and meaning, that is your own way of burying your lost sister?

You could find a gift you would have liked to place in her arms.
Write her a letter about how you have loved to know her and hold her.
Choose a flower you might have named her after.
A soft little toy.

You could put all of those in a small special box.
And bury it in a place that makes you think of peace.

Hops

[gratitude28]

Hi adrift,
I have a lot of thoughts here, and I am not sure how to put them in order or make sense of them... but here goes.
Do you think you want to care for the baby because no one else did? Is it hurting you that no one even cared to make sure that others knew she existed... that they treated her like a "thing?" Is that why it bothers you, so you think? Do you think it's also some way to deal with how you feel about your treatment? Forgive me if I am way off here... I am trying to think of my mother's "skeletons" and see how they would affect me...
I think my mother has a lot of nasty abuse... Her world is so "Pretty pretty" it makes you sick. We went to a restaurant and she had a dinner and said, smiling sweetly, that it tasted exactly like her mother's recipe. Her mother rarely cooked, and certainly not what was on the menu. Every other sentence out of her mouth is something like, "Look how pretty. That is just like the one we had at home." Or, "My mother cleaned everything so that we didn't have to." When I knew my grandmother, she lived in a trailer and was dirty and messy. I always loved her, don't get me wrong, but there just is no reality in these fantasies my mother had.
I am not trying to take away from your story, adrift. I am trying to find the link. I am wondering if the baby was part of a fantasy too. Were the babies the by-products of needing attention from the men, I wonder?
It must be so strange to find out all of this information. Please keep us informed when you find out more.
Love, Beth

[moonlight52]

HI Adrift ,
Such a sad story, I was wondering in your reaching out is it simply a feeling of wishing or looking for the reason 
 it could have been prevented ? The dear way you wish to care for the head stone so dear.

I do know how important it can be.But after loss I FINALLY came to know OUR DEAR ONES  are not really lost no matter what.

Just keep your sweet love for your sister in your heart pocket the LOVE will always be there never lost.Truly

All love and peace I am sending to you.

moon

[adrift]

Gee, y'all ask some great questions.  I guess having always been told I was an only child and then living a very lonely childhood with emotionally unavailable (or perhaps emotionally distant-on-purpose parents) and remembering how I had wished for a sister when I was growing up-----well, now that I know there is one, I'd like to do for her what I can.  Wherever her grave is, it is untended.  No one in my dad's family has a clue about where the baby was buried (it was before mom met dad) and mom's family lives 3000 miles away and only one of them even knew about the baby.  The baby's dad (if he knew about the baby at all) apparently lived around Idaho and supposedly mom left him because he beat her (this is the story she told dad, but she didn't tell this story to her other friends from that era and no one else knows she was possibly committing bigamy at the time, except the lawyer who handled the two divorces----I highly doubt my dad knew).....the point of all this being, there's no one to care for the grave.  Is there anything sadder than an untended grave?? Especially that of a child?????  I know she's at peace, I know she's o.k., but for my healing I want to know her, to see her grave, to read her headstone or else buy her one.  Maybe in now forgiving my mother, I feel I can take care of my sister and say aloud, "Mom, it's o.k. the mistakes you made.  It's horrible what you endured.  You could have told me, I would have understood far better than you think.  I accept and love my sister, regardless of the circumstances of her conception/life" 


I guess forgetting the dead runs in my mom's family.  Come to find out, my mom had an older sister that died in childhood that mom NEVER TOLD ME ABOUT---not ever.  Then when I was about 35, my mom's sister came to visit and she held up a picture and said, "That's Kathleen" and I said, "Who's Kathleen??" and mom very casually said, "She was my oldest sister, she died when she was 18"  Come to find out, Kathleen was mentally handicapped in some way and was eventually sent to a "home", where she died less than a year later.  Mom's dad died not long after that----I suspect much due to a broken heart. 

 I did internet detective work and found out where Kathleen was buried and a nice woman from the net group went to the cemetery, found the spot, laid a branch on the grass where Kathleen is buried, and took a picture and sent it to me.  Kathleen doesn't have a headstone either.  All my mom's family lives near where Kathleen is buried, but none of them know where she is nor care.  Maybe we  Southerners are different??????????????/


As for my half brother that was put up for adoption in 1950.  Should I try harder to look for him????  I'm not sure he was "normal" either as mom said to one of her sisters, as late as 1998,  "I know he wouldn't have been normal, but I wish I had him anyway"------then again, mom's other sister thinks possibly this particular baby was the product of incest, that maybe their older brother took advantage of mom and maybe mom assumed that being the product of such incest, the baby wouldn't be normal.  Mom's brother is dead, but his widow said to me in an e-mail that she had no doubt that if mom had been "interested" or had "let him" that the incest would have occurred!!  This aunt-by-marriage said that mom and her brother shared a bedroom upstairs after the other kids left home.  The family was very poor and only two bedrooms and by then, mom's dad was already dead so according to my aunt, mom and her brother were allowed to come an go as they pleased and grew up pretty wild.

Again, didn't mean to ramble so.  Thanks everyone for your insights.

Adrift

[gratitude28]

You know, adrift, maybe they didn't acknowledge the children because they weren't perfect. My family ignored anything that "wasn't right." They NEVER dealt with any issues like drug use, depression, etc and it was basically assumed that if one of those things happened to you, it would be better to die than let anyone know about it. Seriously, if I had ever gotten pregnant, AI probably would have killed myself before telling anyone. That's what our family life was like... no help... just blame.
You will never know what happened with your mother completely. If you want to find out as much as possible, and it is not upsetting you, then you should do so. But maybe, after a while, you can give the skeletons a ceremony and focus on YOU.
Also, you said you would have wanted a sister. I did enjoy growing up with my sister. We were so wonderfully close when little. But as we grew up, Mom made her into the sweet one, and me into the black sheep, and it is just now, after decades, that we are learning to like each other again. I hated my family and the fact that my sister was adored and I was considered an outsider. I was a very angry young adult because of it. And, when we were in school, we were always compared... I gave up piano because my motehr made it into a big contest, with my sister being the more "discipined" one. And they never came to see my stuff, but went to everything she did. I was very shamed.
Love you, adrift!!! Keep working through it all and let us know what you are finding out/deciding.
Beth

[Hopalong]

Beth,
I am so sorry. That must have hurt so much.

That makes it all the more wonderful that you are reaching to your sister now, not blaming her for your parents' foolishness. I'm glad your anger is not with her any more, since she was a child too.

What a wonderful thing to be reconnecting with her, or just plain connecting...new sisters, with your whole lives ahead to share.

I always yearned for a sister.

love,
Hops