Why Does Boundary Setting Feel so Traumatic

[Hopalong]

Hi Kelly,

Here's to your inner delightfulness.

(I understand. When codependency meets hard survival questions, sometimes perfect independence takes a while. Right now, you're certainly incubating it, so don't beat yourself up for halfway measures. They're better than no action at all, and you've been really tackling this.)

Hops

[Overcomer]

DELIGHTFUL!!  Just give me a lobotomy and I will be delightful for the rest of my life.  But you know, sometimes I think I am psycho because I really have a plan - this devious plan to make things happen without conflict.  I cannot win by fighting so I will just do what I need to do to get what I want.........................still doing my side business...........hoping to get it REALLY going this fall, because when nmom doesn't expect it, I'll be making enough money to walk in and say goodbye!!

[gratitude28]

Here's to sending tons of customers your way!!!!!!

[Overcomer]

thanks!!!!!   I need them so send some positive vibes my way (prayers if you believe in a higher power)

From all of you!! Prayers and good wishes that lead to tons of new customers - and away I go!!!!!!!!!!!

[Gaining Strength]

this devious plan to make things happen without conflict.  I cannot win by fighting so I will just do what I need to do to get what I want.........................still doing my side business...........hoping to get it REALLY going this fall, because when nmom doesn't expect it, I'll be making enough money to walk in and say goodbye!!

Way to go Kelly!!

Prayers and good wishes that lead to tons of new customers - and away I go!!!!!!!!!!!

You got mine - every day.  I pray for customers and success.  Lots of success - release and distance from Nmom.  Your release helps release us all. - GS

[Overcomer]

Thanks for your prayers.........................and boundaries???  I have a question.  So you know we hired my aunt.  Well my nmom wants her to work every other weekend and aunt cried and told us she felt like the sacrificial lamb because she had to do it and no one else on the management team do...................so I reminded nmom that when we first bought the business I worked EVERY Saturday night and had three little kids at home.  I was divorced and the 10 year old watched all of them..............so I am so upset and the I decided that I just need to leave it alone...........why am I so upset about this.  If aunt wants to manipulate the situation, why should I get involved?  I'll just be labelled the bad guy some how!!

Send me those clients.  Send me those clients!!

[Plucky]

Hi Kelly,
I don't know how to put this.  I think the direction you are going is great and All Good.  Once you can be independent you will feel such a rush of energy and light!
But.  You have to do it for the right reasons, with the right karma.  If you are embarking on your freedom with even a whiff of the idea that you will Show Them, or Make Her Pay, or Let Her Fall Flat or Her Face, then it will compromise your success and the wonderful benefit you and your lovely little family will achieve.  Your new life has to be clean of the muck you are rising from.
Am I making any sense?
Plucky

[Overcomer]

Plucky:  Thanks for the advice.  I have been upset because my aunt doesn't want to work weekends and I have gotten so bent out of shape because of it, and then I realize - life is too short.  Why, oh, why does that bother me?  Do I think she needs to be punished as I feel I have been???  You are right.  My motivation should be to individuate from my nmom, not take her down and trash her.  After all, I truly believe she is not a malignant narcissist - I believe she is just extremely self-absorbed, self-obsessed, and wants what SHE wants when SHE wants it.  I don't think her intent is to hurt me or anyone else.  And in an earlier thread someone said that my nmom doesn't love my kids.  They are just easy to manipulate, etc.  Well, not true, I don't think.  What I think is she realizes (but will never admit) that she sucked as a mother so she is being a much better grandmother.  My kids for the most part like and love her (although occasionally they will talk of the guilt that she throws their way - that is her MO, to make you feel guilty if you do not make the same decisions as SHE would make..............funny thing is - what are we supposed to do?  Read her mind?  But that's another story...........)

So, Plucky, I will keep giving it up to my higher power and allow my freedom to come without costing my nmom and angst!

[penelope]

hi again kelly,

boy do our N Moms sound alike!  You're doing fine.  Feelings of revenge are normal.  Problem is, if you start to actually follow through on them. like plucky said, they distract us from the main goal which is to GET THE HECK OUT!

I know that's what you really want (but it's great to fantasize about revenge too - my T says it's even perfectly normal for those of us who've been abused, go figure!) 

OK, I'm sending a prayer your way too..
hugs,
p bean

[Overcomer]

Thanks so much, PB...................but problem is, I kind of obsess................I get to thinking and my mind goes down a path.  I grit my teeth and think of all the horrible things that could happen to her to put her in her place.  But then I think, it is not my responsibility to take her down.  What comes around goes around and eventually she will either be completely out of it (with Alzheimer's) or she'll mellow.  Maybe she'll realize she just can't do it anymore and back off.  But I tell you, (and how stupid of me for not thinking of this sooner...) if I just be nice, she is more apt to do what I want!!  DU+H

[Gaining Strength]

OK Kellydckm

Stop wasting your thoughts on your mom and aunt and start putting you thoughts on images of customers flowing into you  business.  Turn your thoughts around.  As one of my favorites, Wayne Dyer, writes, "Don't focus your attention on what is missing (a supportive work relationship with mother) but shift to what you absolutely intend to manifest and attract into your life - with no doubts, no waffling and no explaining!"

You can do it.  Kelly - let your mom and aunt deal with their own stuff.  Keep you thoughts and imagination focused on what you are doing and the business you are building.  Keep asking for support and encouragement here. - GS

[reallyME]

I just have a quick suggestion...

I have read many times on this group in posts, where people talk about how their mind wanders or how they obsess or can't stop thinking about things...it might be helpful to get on meds with the help of a therapist.  It helped me get my brain quieted and re-trained to be more discerning about what I ponder on.

~Laura

[penelope]

yes, that is a great suggestion Laura.

My anxiety meds helped me stop obsessing about my family.  not only did I want revenge, but I wanted for them to just understand me, finally.  Why did I think they are capable when my whole life I've been the odd one out?  So I agree, meds can help us to overcome this, and focus our thoughts back on more calming/centering/productive things.  But, I've noticed they don't eliminate my obsessing altogether.  The thing that has helped me is to talk to my T and get all the garbage out.  Just telling her how I used to wish my mother would die in a car accident, all the time, when I was a child, was hugely relieving to me.  I think I'd been carrying that guilt around for so long, and just didn't know what to do with it.  To tell a mental health care professional this, and not have her jump up and say "WELL, LET'S GO GET THE STRAIGHT JACKET THEN, CAUSE IT'S OBVIOUS YOU'RE DEMENTED BEAN"  (ha ha, I know...but hey, there's a part of me that still fears people would actually do this - it's my projection/transference of my Mom onto them)...let's just say, this does wonders to your mental health.  When you start to get all this out, the guilt lessens, the revenge thinking lessens, the fear, anger, sadness, and the shame lessen.  It's going to be OK kelly, this is a process and you're in control, even if it feels like you're not.  Just remember that.  This is all "normal" responses to abnormal parenting.

love,
bean

[reallyME]

Yes PB

I agree about not only using meds but of course, therapy.  I just wanted it to come from you, as I have not seen a therapist in years, so it would seem I was condemning others and trying to portray myself as perfect...that was not my intention at all.

I'm just saying that, every time I hear someone talking about how they can't seem to stop all the "busy" or "tormenting" thoughts, I want to come through the screen, march them over to the nearest clinic, and get them on some meds, so they can have their minds settled enough to take "one thing at a time" and make some healthier decisions.

Because I've been there, because I've had such obsessive thoughts in my mind, that I could not stop with any amount of hoping or praying, or pleading, until I went on meds that straightened out my thought patterns via the neurotransmitter chemicals, I could NOT make any sort of reasonable decisions to "stop the insanity."  It is true.  I know how that feels, like something else is controlling you and you are helpless to stop it, so you go along for the ride, always wishing you could end the cycle.

Please, listen to me fellow-strugglers...meds DO work!  At least go to your therapist and agree to TRY something.  Give yourself a break and a chance, and get on a med till your thoughts belong to God's control and yours again. It is well worth it!

~Laura

[Hopalong]

Mega dittos on the meds question.

When I finally asked for some, I remember saying to my doctor, "I've been suffering panic attacks for 15 years now and I am tired of being a hero." I was so inculcated with "tough it out" and "don't be dependent on anything" that I genuinely didn't recognize the common sense of using Rx as needed.

Hops