Lost My Job and Doubting Myself

[Hopalong]

Hi Bones,
You've had an important insight, that grief and shock over your job loss have reverberations that go back to expressing grief not being allowed in your FOO.

Your nightmares are letting it out for you. That's painful, but I believe that's their purpose.

Is there anyone you feel very very safe with, who would let you talk and cry right now?

Hops

[Certain Hope]

Dear Jac,

  Thank you for sharing the "rest of the story" re: God's provision for you. You've certainly inspired me and I know for sure that you matter to Him. I am still trying to come to terms with how much the Lord wants us to delve into our feelings as opposed to setting them aside and simply following Him in obedience. It's a constant struggle, I think, and one for which we're fully equipped as long as we're looking to Him for our strength.

Love,
Hope

[Certain Hope]

((((((((Teartracks))))))))

  I really don't feel that my mother considers me chattel. I think that she simply never learned how to cope with anything that is outside of her realm of control. If she can't obsess or compulse over it in order to gain her desired results, she blocks it from her field of vision in order to relieve her own torment. This is what I think. How does it make me feel? Sorry for her. What's the alternative? To feel sorry for myself? I can't do that. I can't take this personally because I know how miserable this makes her within her own heart. She is not an unfeeling monster. She simply is not equipped and.... there, but for the grace of God, go I. Any good that is within me is nothing about which I can boast or hold as a standard for another, because it's not mine at all... it's all a gift from the Father of lights.

Love, Hope

[gratitude28]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((Bones))))))))))))))))))))))))))0
How are you doing? You must have felt so terrible when you lost your job. How awful. I don't handle things like that at all well... I always assume it's my fault.
As an outsider, I can see that maybe this happened to pave the way for something else...
Take GS's advice and just put one foot in front of the other and make it one day at a time for now.
Love to you bones.
Beth

[Stormchild]

Stormy, I think that she's just a person who believes that by marching stoicly through life she is proving her strength. To her, this approach assumes a higher moral ground than the stance of those who engage emotions and empathy. She'd likely never admit it, but I'm quite sure she thinks of me as her daughter in only the biological sense.

  When I was 16, I subscribed to Psych Today magazine. Her response when my first issue arrived in the mail:  She thought it was just awful, all these people digging back into their pasts and complaining about their parents. heh

Hope

Yes, that's almost always a dead giveaway. That business about 'not obsessing about the past' comes from people who lack the courage to face their own deeds.

[Certain Hope]

Stormy,

  Can't argue with you there.

Love,
Hope

[Stormchild]

BONES!!!!!!!!!!

VITAMIN D!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&q=vitamin+D+depression&btnG=Google+Search

I take 800 IU daily, along with supplemental Ca-Mg-Zn [have just recently added the CaMgZn back in, because the Mg and Zn were triggering my ulcers, but they are improving.

I live at the same latitude you do, I know this because you mentioned the state you live in. I'm 51 and don't get out enough. Literally as well as figuratively

Please look at these articles, the scholarly ones and the ones by N.D.s - this might help you immensely; I know it has helped me, and I just posted the search link to Hops also.

[Certain Hope]

Jac,

  I'm guessing that my dad feels the same way about a female living away from her parent's home. I think that in general, that's the "very old school" manner of thinking combined, in his case, with a very negative view of the role a woman plays in a man's downfall, beginning with Eve. 

  I understand what you're saying about looking into your heart and uncovering the root of feelings in order to pursue obedience with a willing heart. Thank you for that. I can also completely relate to the brick up side the head. I guess if we didn't have to work it through, we'd only be practicing an empty religion without the true change of heart. If that's the alternative, I'll take the feelings and the brick both.

Love,
Hope

[Bones]

Dear (((((((((((((((((((Bones,))))))))))))))))))))))

I'm with you as you melt the heaviness in your life. 

teartracks

Thanks, TearTracks.

Bones

[Bones]

Hope, you didn't have a mother except in the biological sense. And she clearly didn't want a daughter, she wanted a clone. What a price we pay for health.

Hope,

Your Nmother sounds like my Nmother.  In her mind, only one child existed in her world and that was my brother.  She made it clear to me that she wanted to abort me.  However, because I survived birth anyway, she tried to exert total, unquestioned control and attempted to force me to be a brainless extension of her or, barring that, throw me away into a mental institution or force me into prostitution.  Needless to say, she did not succeed.

Bones

[Bones]

Hi Bones,
You've had an important insight, that grief and shock over your job loss have reverberations that go back to expressing grief not being allowed in your FOO.

Your nightmares are letting it out for you. That's painful, but I believe that's their purpose.

Is there anyone you feel very very safe with, who would let you talk and cry right now?

Hops

I've been networking with some former colleagues who got "railroaded" similar to me by the same former employer.  Now I'm starting to feel angry at the disservice plus a lot of other issues that are too numerous to elaborate on here.

Bones

[Certain Hope]

((((((((Bones))))))))  Your mother sounds to me like much more than NPD. I am so sorry.

I think perhaps my mother's deal was... she had a 2nd child (me) finally, 10 years after her 1st (my very Nish brother), to please my dad and also perhaps because my brother is not one to be molded into anyone's image. So I was her last ditch effort to recreate herself?
I don't know what she was trying to accomplish but like your mother.... she failed and I am thankful... for both you and me.

Love,
Hope

P.S. on edit...  Bones, if you've said, I'm sorry... I don't recall... but do you still have contact with your mother?

[Bones]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((Bones))))))))))))))))))))))))))0
How are you doing? You must have felt so terrible when you lost your job. How awful. I don't handle things like that at all well... I always assume it's my fault.
As an outsider, I can see that maybe this happened to pave the way for something else...
Take GS's advice and just put one foot in front of the other and make it one day at a time for now.
Love to you bones.
Beth

Thanks, Beth.

I've started networking with other former colleagues who experienced the same thing I did from the same employer.  They gave me additional information, about how this employer is dysfunctional, that I did not know before (ex. my former supervisor does not even have a degree!!  Therefore, he may have found my impending graduation with a masters threatening).

Bones

[Bones]

BONES!!!!!!!!!!

VITAMIN D!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&q=vitamin+D+depression&btnG=Google+Search

I take 800 IU daily, along with supplemental Ca-Mg-Zn [have just recently added the CaMgZn back in, because the Mg and Zn were triggering my ulcers, but they are improving.

I live at the same latitude you do, I know this because you mentioned the state you live in. I'm 51 and don't get out enough. Literally as well as figuratively

Please look at these articles, the scholarly ones and the ones by N.D.s - this might help you immensely; I know it has helped me, and I just posted the search link to Hops also.

Thanks, Stormchild.

I've been increasing my vitamins and trying to get outside now that the rain has finally stopped.

Bones

[gratitude28]

Yea bones!!!!!!!!! I am glad you are feeling angry, because that means you are starting to heal and look at the situation in a new light!!!!!! Congrats to you!!!!!!!!
Love, Beth