Fears (Adding to Moon's Topic)

[Portia]

Hi, okay, I know Beth you said no discussion but....was that a hard and fast rule? No I guess not!

If i may.

TT

The next day I fretted about whether my post was PC.    

You mean politically correct? I don't think I understand. How could it not be PC?....I was a bit overwhelmed by your post; by the bleak imagery (me a strong visualist), by the fears, some of which dovetail with my fears. I was afraid - wary, unsure - at the turn of the century. Nobody really knew what might happen with computer systems. i found that not knowing quite scary. I also knew there was zero I could do about it. If chaos comes (and I fear chaos most, lack of control) then chaos comes to us all and we'll all be in the same situation. Some would die, some would live. I could be either. It's all chance. We can learn to live with ambiguity, with chance. Chance makes good things possible! I found your post thoughtful and thought-provoking, and there's nothing un-PC about that. Thinking is free and necessary in a complicated world. Especially critical thinking. (Sometimes PC-ness in its ignorance likes to stamp on critical thinking. It can be quite non-PC itself.)

Wishing I could hold back the hand of the strong man.  

Who is the strong man TT?

and is it your responsibilty to hold back his hand? Maybe others are doing exactly that, right now. Others who are younger and fitter and better equipped than you or I. It's not all your responsibility.

Hope this makes sense.
Absolutely, as ever, you make good sense to me TT. At least in the way I interpret what you say! Hey, we're all human.

[Gaining Strength]

Thanks for this line -

This is so important to me!!  I am standing on the threshhold right between you Brigid

Day to day I live with the fear of never again feeling connected to a family unit. My great fear of abandonment is certainly connected to the above. I fear never figuring out what I will do when I grow up.

I fear not getting out of my paralysis, of not becoming functioning, of not becoming able to generate an income, of not being able to deal with the financial mess created in these years of paralysis, and of being so, so alone, no friends, no family.

between you Brigid and you Mum

you who will not give in to fear.  I know that you have described an important truth.  I am trying to step out of fear and shame and into receiving that overpowering love.  I see it as changing my negative thoughts, shackled by fear and shame and inadequacy.  Changing the deeply embedded habit of these thoughts to positive thoughts of love, gratitude and abundance, (abundance in friends, family, connection, creativity).  This is a difficult step. 

The validation that I have received here - validation that what I experienced growing up  under NPD father really DID have these outrageously wretched effects on me - this validation was undeniably necessary in order for me to move forward.  I am moving so painfully slowly.  I am progressing, but slowly, in changing my thought patterns from fear to love.  I can tell by my dreams that I am making progress.  In my dreams I am part of something, I am working with people on projects, and oddly I am buying new, beautiful clothes.  Until this week, my dreams were always of being shut out, left out, ignored, shamed.  So I see progress in the shift in my dreams.  But I still wake many times in the night in fear, having to over and over repeat, "Let the love of Christ overcome this fear."  "I choose the power of love over fear."  "I reject fear in the name of Christ.  I open my heart to love which conquers all fear."  I know that in time the new message will overwrite the old.  I so look forward to being able to wake in joy rather than consciously forcing myself to overcome fear step by step.

Mum - have you any words of encouragement.  Have you been through this process?  Your earlier post has already renewed my determination.

[teartracks]

Beth,

Ooops,  I missed the mark and started discussing or maybe I was just explaining.  Thanks for the prompt to face our fears.

tt

[teartracks]

((((((Portia)))))

Glad you're back! 

Thanks for talking me through what I said.  Yes, I was concerned about whether what I said was politically correct. 

More later,

teartracks

[portia late]

Glad to be back TT thanks...(((((TT)))))

whenever is fine with me. Time means less some-times. But I feel i belong here
P

[ANewSheriff]

Brigid:

I fear being stuck in this spiral forever.

((((((((((((((((((Brigid))))))))))))))))))) 

Don't give up. 

ANS

[Certain Hope]

Dear Brigid,

  Thank you. Wish I could give you a bouquet here of iris and daisies, but you'll have to use your imagination.

It's wonderful that your daughter is doing so well. For you, this is no downward spiral, just a dip in the road... it's all so new and fresh yet. Please be patient with yourself and take good care.

Love,
Hope

[Stormchild]

((((((((((Brigid))))))))))

[teartracks]

Portia,

You sooooooooo belong here!

tt

[Brigid]

Dear Stormy, Hope and ANS,
Thank you for the hugs.  I really seem to need them these days.  Hope, I do appreciate the cyber flowers as well.  My garden still blooms, but I'm not getting the same joy from it that I usually do. 

Please be patient with yourself and take good care.

Have you ever felt like you just wanted to crawl out of your skin because you can't get comfortable with the way things are?  Everyone--my children, my friends and my b/f--keeps telling me to be patient, relax, take my time, it will get better, don't rush into anything.  I want to scream that my patience has run out.  I can't keep living with so much of my life in limbo.  My heart won't stop pounding and I haven't had a decent night's sleep since Labor Day--despite taking sleep meds every night.  I'm afraid of what will happen if I commit to something and afraid of what will happen if I don't.

GS,

I fear not getting out of my paralysis,

Me too.  I have always had to be so strong and self-sufficient.  Now I feel weak and needy and dependent--and I hate it.  But also, no one really understands it and they still expect me to be as strong as ever.  I feel as though I'm not allowed to show weakness, because that would be a character flaw, so I hide it behind a mask of everything being fine.  Maybe the real fear is of others knowing how afraid I really am.

I'm glad to hear that your dreams are becoming more positive.  That is a good sign of strength within you starting to build.  I hope it continues for you.

Hugs to you all,

Brigid

[Gaining Strength]

Brigid

I'm afraid of what will happen if I commit to something and afraid of what will happen if I don't.

I pray for a break through for you and I pray for it quickly, not for patience for a break!!  This will be my fervent prayer for you - a real break through.  I will pray it day and night, until it materializes.

Holding your hand through this rough spot - Seeing you through it - Gaining Strength

[Brigid]

GS,
Thank you for your prayers.  It means a great deal.  I pray for it too, along with the strength and patience to get me there.  I guess if it were easy, I wouldn't appreciate it as much when (you'll notice I did not say if) it comes.  I have to assume it is all part of the plan--I just wish I could read the final chapter and know if there's a happy ending.

(((((((Gaining Strength))))))))))

Brigid

[Plucky]

Hi Brigid,
why is your life in limbo?  I am asking as someone who has not been through the so-called empty nest phase and trying to understand.  Is it that you feel you need to be available in some fashion for your children, except that day-to-day they don't need you the same way they did before, and you're not sure how exactly you will be still called on to be mom?  So you don't know what you have left to actually commit to other things?

Is it that you now have a chunk of free time and don't feel comfortable having that free time?  Do you feel guilty, as if you are a slacker?   I think I would feel that way.  As if I didn't deserve freedom, in a way.  I have to be productive, to justify my existence.

Perhaps you have covered this already someplace.  If so please excuse my asking again.

Are the things you are thinking of doing very big commitments?   Are deadlines coming up?  Are they things where you cannot get out easily?  Have you sat down and listed your ideas in writing?  I try to do this when I am tormented by different choices which are very important choices.  Make a T on a sheet of paper and write positives on one side and negatives on the other side.

How about thinking back to old hobbies and interests?  Going to the library and just loitering and reading whatever you find?  Going back to a sport you used to do?  Reaching out to old friends?

Is there an older women's group you could join or visit?  I mean women older than you.  Maybe you need a role model, a woman who is living life out loud without all the stereotypical reasons to be happy and fulfilled.  Because honestly, loads of women who are young, healthy, beautiful, married, and with their children at home, are unhappy in lots of different ways.  Read stories of people who changed direction very late in life.  It can be inspiring.

Can you decide on a certain time period as your 'vacation', and just do little things you have wanted to do if you found the time?  Perhaps decide that for one month you are on vacation.  After that  time you will buckle down.  But for one month, no worries. 

I am not sure if this helps at all.  If not, all I can offer is a hug.
((((((((Brigid)))))))))))

Plucky

[Brigid]

Plucky,

why is your life in limbo?

That is a bit complicated, but I'll try to be as brief as possible.  I have talked about it in bits and pieces, but probably not all condensed in one thread.

 - I moved to where I am now 25 years ago when I married my xh.  I have no family here at all (well, actually no family anywhere), my kids are both in school elsewhere and really don't want to come back to this area to live unless they have to for employment reasons, and my closest friends are all married and spending a lot of their time in warmer climates or travelling.  I gave up my career 21 years ago to be a full-time mom and despite having had a few part-time jobs over the years, I haven't worked outside the home for a number of years.

 - I spent much of the last 21 years being heavily involved in volunteer activities within my childrens' schools and the community.  When my son graduated from high school 3 years ago(my daughter had just finished her freshman year of HS), I decided it was time to give myself a break and spend some time on me.  I got more involved in golf and some other leisure activities, was really starting to enjoy a little freedom from kid responsibilities, got my son off to college, and the next weekend my xh announced he wanted out of the marriage.  All leisure activities came to a halt and I went into survival mode for the next 2 years to get myself and the kids through the divorce. 

 - During the last 3 1/2 years, my grandmother has died, my son left for college, my husband left me, I had to sell my home, my mother died, and now my daughter has left home to start school.  The only things which have remained constant are my pets and my girlfriends.

 - I am now faced with living in this house all by myself, with a bunch of empty rooms.  It is much more than I need, and I'm guessing my daughter will probably only come home for one more summer.  If I plan to stay here, there are changes I would like to make, but I don't know if it makes sense for me to stay.

 - The real dilemma I face is, the only good reason I have to even stay in this area is because of my b/f.  I love him dearly and would love to make a life with him, but I don't know if that is going to happen and I'm not sure how long I can wait to find out.  I think I have about 6 months of waiting time left in me at this point.  Otherwise, I would probably choose to move to a completely different part of the country and start all over. 

So that is why I am in limbo and fearful of making any serious commitments--to a job, to this house, to this community.  I'm sure part of it is to be protective of my heart and soul, so as not to suffer another devastating loss.

I appreciate all your suggestions and will take them to heart, as I have so many other words of encouragement.  I have offered my services to our local humane society to give me something to do in the short term as I try to figure out the long term.  I also will start the curling season at the end of October and that will keep me busy for the winter months.  I know things will get better as I become more accustomed to this new empty nest, but believe me, it is not easy when you are all alone.

Thank you for the support.   (((((((((((Plucky)))))))))))

Brigid

[teartracks]

Brigid, lots of hugs!

I think you should give yourself minimally a year.  Or a year from the day you became an empty nester.   That is what my instincts are saying. 

However things develop, I wish you the very best.

teartracks