Help Please

[gratitude28]

Do you all ever go through periods where you feel you are making this all up? Or making a mountain out of a molehill. Or that maybe it really is like this for everyone?
I am feeling this way now. I feel like since there is no conflict now (and, there really isn't much anyways since I am basically ignored unless they feel the need to check in with an email).
My life is good... my kids, husband, dog, house... I am a bit lonely, but that is the life I chose...

Even more than making it up... I feel like this is all my doing. I wasn't like them. I don't live near them. I didn't like the same movies they did. I went to a different kind of school. I feel like I made them not like me.

[Gaining Strength]

Hello Gratitude -

I'm feeling this -

I am a bit lonely

In fact I just wrote you a message to say that but then  felt too silly.  Lonely and down.  Don't feel that I made it up but it seems so strange that other people don't get it.  That sort of makes me think I made it up and at times  the fallout feels utterly surreal, as though with a prick the balloon will pop and life will turn out all normal again.

I do want to wake from the nightmare - GS

And somehow I can - it's up to me - simply but so hard to grasp it.

[gratitude28]

GS and Moonie,
Thanks. I am still me... still fun at work and all and I'll be picking on you soon.
I just feel somtimes like I am looking for stuff to pin on my parents. Obviously, I have gotten past all my raging anger and those issues. But sometimes, when so many people think they are normal, I start to feel like maybe it isn't real. Like I was just an unhappy child and that's that...

GS ((((((((((((((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))))))))
Wish you were close by so we could go out and have a coffee.

My lonliness is a bit strange... I don't know what it's for. I think it's partly for my husband, although we eel close b/c we get to talk a lot and send each other stuff. I just can't pin it down. That's what's bugging me. I have great friends here and I have great friends in you all too...

I just wish I could put a finger on it...

[Gaining Strength]

I can't remember who hold what beliefs but if you are a praying person, ask God to reveal what the loneliness is.  I often get very clear answers to similar prayers.  That's how I identified shame and fear of success sources for my frozenness.  - Gaining Strength

[gratitude28]

You know, GS, I think you are right. I've hardly been praying at all (including running down the things I am grateful for before bed). I also haven't been to any f2f meetings lately and I need to do that... keep coming up with excuses...
Thanks... I will do that.
In a kind world, people would phrase things as you just did, "I'm not sure what your beliefs are...". I wish the world could get there...
Love, Beth

[Gaining Strength]

What's f2f Beth?

[chris2]

Do you all ever go through periods where you feel you are making this all up? Or making a mountain out of a molehill.

Aaaaallllll the time. And then I tell someone just one of the things my Nmom did, that I didn't think that much about, and they go ballistic with rage, and I say "Wow. I should tell you some of the things I thought were bad!"

Or that maybe it really is like this for everyone?

It's like this for a lot of people, unfortunately, but not most. This statement is the belief that has kept us imprisoned for so long. We didn't know that what we endured wasn't normal. We thought it was like this for everyone. But this kind of belief is typical of people who are abused, even if the abuse is jaw-dropping. None of us thinks we are unusual.  Realizing that my upbringing was not normal, and my Nmom's infantile game-playing and abusiveness are not the way grownups act has been extremely liberating for me. It has taught me to stop doing many things I learned from her and to expect mature behavior from others.

Even more than making it up... I feel like this is all my doing.... I feel like I made them not like me.

That's them talking.

I have divorced my Nmom and no longer allow her to cause me pain, but it amazes me how much she squats in my psyche and needles me still. Nonetheless I know I can endure the needling, and that it will fade with time. I feel guilty, I feel responsible, I feel like a whiner, but in reality, I know that I'm not guilty or responsible or whining. There is just too much evidence that points in the opposite direction, and that makes it clear that I am a survivor. You're a survivor too. It is lonely sometimes, but that's ok.

Chris2

[Portia]

Dear Beth

Do you all ever go through periods where you feel you are making this all up? Or making a mountain out of a molehill. Or that maybe it really is like this for everyone?

Yes.

Was it really that bad? Aren't I guilty of just being horrible to them? Don't they deserve my compassion and forgiveness?Aren't I a bad person for thinkiing like I do? Shouldn't I just put up with it?

Isn't it all my fault?

I think when I thought (and still think) lke this sometimes, it's remnants of denial in action.

It's okay. Thing is: we weren't bad and aren't bad. We're not guilty. It wasn't our fault: we were children. Part of us still wants to believe in our parents' love. If we just are nicer to them......perhaps they'll love us as we want?

Normal, it means you're normal and human! If you really doubt your own perceptions of the reality of your situation, give 'em a phone. Try it out. Ask some emotional questions and see how you feel. Seriously. Testing the reality of how people really are has helped me to embrace that reality more easily. I doubt myself less often now but it's taken a long time.

Take it easy on yourself Beth. You are loved here. P

[teartracks]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((beth))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

teartracks

[WRITE]

Self-doubt.

I think it's inevitable part of being human, even healthy. Isn't that what the Ns run from into grandiosity and bombastic thinking?

It's more likely with Nism/ abuse because it's not apparent to others so we don't always get real feedback from them.

Realizing that my upbringing was not normal, and my Nmom's infantile game-playing and abusiveness are not the way grownups act has been extremely liberating for me.

I think it's also inevitable we will try to salvage our relationships by reframing abuse etc. But it's really liberating as Chris says to recognise that our family isn't us and we can have our own view of the world.

I feel like I made them not like me.

ouch.

No, they just who they are and you are you. You're not a good fit maybe, or they're damaged and unwilling to change.

Hope you feel better soon.
((((((((((((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Hopalong]

Hi Beth,
I think Friday night can be the loneliest night of the week...especially if you're missing someone.

Most people are very tired on Fridays. The weekend stretches ahead...

Whatever hurts us, whatever self-doubts...I think they're busier with us on Friday night.

True for me anyway.

((((((((((Beth))))))))))
I'm glad you said you are feeling lonely. And then look, several other people popped in and said they did too.

I figure we're all sitting in a circle painting all our toenails different colors, passing the polish. Little grunts when you have to grab a tootsie, or some are flexible like rubber bands. We can yawn and scratch our stomachs just like the guys do. Listen to a clock tick, toss a bunch of pillows on the floor...then somebody will start telling a story, and we'll put the lights out and light a few candles. Everybody's got a puffy quilt or a sleeping bag, and one by one, we all drift off...

A slumber party. Relaxing in the comfort and soft sounds of us all breathing our separate breaths, settling into the peace of sleeping friends.

love,
Hops

[penelope]

hi all,

yes, it is lonely....I guess since my brother told me he's really getting tired of "it," I've felt not so alone.  I know a lot of my friends here don't have parents they can lean on, but when my brother said it too - I just suddenly felt OK. Like everything would be alright.   I thought "if he can do it, I can" (he's my older brother and I always looked up to him)...also, "we will lean on each other" came to mind.. "even if it is only in our minds," I thought.  He's kinda a quiet guy when it comes to feelings, he doesn't express feeling easily, in other words.  Anyway, having a sibling say this suddenly made me feel so much less alone and validated.

hops - wanna make popcorn?     I love that color pink.  What do you think of my brick red toes??  he he

bean

[Stormchild]

((((((((((Beth))))))))))

((((((((((GS))))))))))

((((((((((Hops))))))))))

((((((((((everybody))))))))))

[Hopalong]

PB,
I tried sticking a piece of popcorn to each toenail...
I like that look.

H

[gratitude28]

I've been reading all the new stuff and didn't see all of these great responses.

GS - f2f is face to face... actualy meetings for AA. I need to go because I feel better, especially seeing new people come into the program who are starting to feel better and enjoy life. Unfortunately, we are such a small island that meetings are once a day and far away from where I live. I promised myself I would go more and I haven't.

Again, thank you all. I do know I am not making it up... but I think I just want someone to tell me the TRUTH. I wish God could hand me a document that said, "YOU ARE PERMITTED TO FEEL THIS WAY." ANd I wish someone who KNOWS them could validate my thoughts. It is hard to see what no one else seems to see. Especially when people say, "I know you don't like your mother," or things like that. That was one of the first things my sister's then-fiance said. And I had NEVER said that... in spite of how mean she had been. So either my sister or mother told people that.

OK, enough about me. I hope in some way this topic helped someone else.
Love, Beth