In my dream before waking today for work, two images stand out. The one was my husband was jealous because a male co-worker had called me. So, my husband turned off my alarm so that I woke up one hour late--
woke up at the time I was supposed to
be at work. He had a very stubborn look on his face when I found out what he did. The other dream image was me feeling labor pains and shifting around to get more comfortable, thinking it would hurt less if I was sitting the way I do for yoga. Then I felt my stomach and realized it was too small to be ready to give birth. And then I realized with sadness that I hadn't actually felt "life" yet, hadn't felt anybody kicking around in there. So, I wouldn't be giving birth afterall. The day before, I dreamed of a little baby that stood up and danced to the music in a very cute way. Am I getting ready to bring myself to life soon? That's what I think these dreams mean. The one about my husband--we are working very hard on things ever since the "incident" two weeks ago. I'm going to have to be ready to accept his real emotions once he learns what they are and how to feel them and express them.
Work was hard. Lots of work to do and I had to stay later than expected so I didn't get to eat lunch. Only had a pear for my short break during seven and a half hours of physical work. I made sure to take a break because my least favorite co-worker was getting on my nerves and I didn't want to have to do a particular duty with her and needed to gather my thoughts about how to handle it. I figured it out by the time my pear was gone and felt pretty good about how it turned out. But still, a hard, heavy, long day. And at the end of it, one of my other co-workers came back from his lunch and was so happy that we had everything all cleaned up and done rather than chores waiting for him as usual. He is pretty lazy and this day was the lazy man's dream come true. In fact, he was so happy, he even thought of more work I could do. So, that was my signal to find a graceful way to leave for the day. And I did.
Feeling sad because my supervisor got the promotion she has wanted for a very long time. She will be leaving to go run the office I visited frequently this summer with the idea of learning more about the N-co-worker (who works there). It is a complicated relationship with her. Even though she kind of set up things with me and N, and all the rest of it, yet I will miss her because I have learned a lot from her. I think she has learned some things from me. This weekend we worked together two full days. It is bittersweet for both of us. And I feel so odd about so much of it. She is something of a mother type with everyone she knows. Her mother was absent emotionally, and is absent for real now, deceased. B took over the mother role early in life. It is part of who she is, sometimes in a bad way, but now I see it has some goodness in it.
My mother was absent emotionally, too. But I am still a child in many ways. So, B, I now realize, actually gave me something, in a way, that I never had and I will miss it more than I realized. This is a real loss. And it serves to dredge up the old losses too. I think that must be a good thing for my insides. But it doesn't feel so great.
Came home from work and collapsed with fatigue. I did make myself eat first. And checked out my email. Checked out this place. I do that many times a day even if I don't post. Then collapsed on the couch with a cat anchoring the afghan and keeping my back warm. Sometimes I have three cats napping with me. Today just the one, Hobbes.
Because of the unexpected way my day went, I didn't meet my goals today. Was going to grocery shop, cook dinner for the first time in a while, do some genealogy for someone who sent me a request, stuff like that. When I finally got up from the couch, I checked my email again and my husband had sent one saying he was leaving for home and would go get groceries after "dinner". Oh no! He really thought I was going to cook tonight! Oh man, I better at least try to start something. Come on, what is this pressure? I should just live alone, I thought.
I made macaroni and cheese, Kraft Dinner. Didn't have enough ingredients for the tuna cassarole I had imagined making. Peeled some potatoes, carrots, parsnips, rutabaga, sliced radishes and onions for a "Root Vegetable Medley" I said I would make for us to eat all week. It took a lot of peeling before I felt like I was on an even keel again.
While I was peeling I thought of my supervisor again, the one who is leaving, who thinks of herself as Earth Mother, loves to cook and feed her family and granddaughter. And I thought, I like to cook because it is creative. I like to cook by myself. The feeding others part of it is secondary. Important, but not the real reason I enjoy it. I crave the creativity part of it.
That must be what's wrong with my life, I thought. There needs to be a way for me to make room for my creative side. The part of me that solves creative problems and puts things together and expresses myself three dimentionally. That is the main challenge in my life that, if I meet it, might actually make me feel fulfilled.
I thought of lots of things while I peeled and chopped. The "Medley" came out looking very pretty. We will eat on it for a few days.
My husband said he was not disappointed with having only Kraft Dinner. I asked him, is this like when the new wife makes her first meal after the honeymoon and she burns it and her husband gags it down anyway and says, honey, this is the most delicious meal I have ever had? He laughed and said no, I just want Kraft Dinner. Then he found some hot dogs I had missed. I didn't want one and he did so he made it and I peeled an orange and that was supper.
Spiked-hair son came downstairs while we were cooking and talked for awhile and then took himself shopping. I love talking to him. It is so easy compared with NYC son. But he's okay, too.
After "dinner" we went to the grocery store and got our free turkeys to put in our new freezer (the one my mother "made" me take even though I told her I didn't want it). Actually we were almost to the store when my husband remembered we forgot the coupons. I said, let's turn around and get them, otherwise we'll never remember to get the turkeys. Every holiday we forget the coupons and don't get our free turkeys and this time, I thought, just go back and do it right. No big deal. Also, we had forgotten the grocery list too. It is funny to see that in letting go of my hypervigilance learned in childhood, I am actually a very forgetful, absent-minded person. I will have to teach myself other ways to remember important things without becoming hypervigilant again. I
never want to be that way again. List-making, I suppose. If I remember to make the list....
These are just the highlights. What did you guys do today? Did any of it make you think of the past or how you have changed since coming here? Or was it just a nice slice of life? Sad? Glad? Maddening? I'm so nosy
! But I already knew
that about myself! Must be one of my core values.....
PP
