Denial

[Prosperity]

Hi All,

One of my biggest complaints about my possibly "N" husband is that he is so undependable.  He just comes and goes when he feels like it.  I never know what time to expect him, or if I should expect him at all.  And of course there are all the wild excuses.  I say why bother with excuses.  I don't even get mad anymore, just annoyed because when he does finally show up it usually throws a monkey wrench into the family routine which I have had to develop wihtout him since he is so unpredictable and sporadically absent.  I got sick of every night waiting on him only to finally figure out he wasn't showing up, or having to throw away food I had cooked for him that sat there until it got cold.  I don't bother cooking for him anymore because many times even if he does show up after work he is "not hungry"  (ok so we will throw out a whole plate of food what does he care he doe

[rosencrantz]

Tha'ts interesting - I was having my own 'hissy fit' with my husabnd last night and, in a paddy, looked up passive aggressive on the internet.  I was so taken aback at what I read, that I stopped being angry!

http://www.passiveaggressive.homestead.com/PATraits.html

There are two pages at this link.  It's pretty typical behaviour in lots of people so I'm not suggesting that you consider your husband's behaviour in terms of the full-blown personality disorder.

Aren't they just totally but totally frustrating and wearing...

I don't want to have to 'manipulate' back - I'm already worn out with handling my mother.  I'm hoping that talking things through will work.  He's quite a rational person tho not at all into introspection.

Is there no-one we can trust???  Is it possible as a human being NOT to have buttons people can press???

[Prosperity]

That was an awesome web page, thank you.  The passive-aggressive mold fits him quite nicely, as I already suspected about his mother, anyway.   I will be visiting that one again should I end up needing suggestions for "divorced with children" eventually.. Actually he behaves as if we are already divorced sometimes when it comes to the kids...I guess it is all he knows due to experience with my stepson's mother.  They were never married.  

Sorry I got cut off during the middle of my last post on this thread.  As I was saying, my husband tends to burst in unexpectedly after I have already assumed he is out for the night.  I was typing on this forum, he came in, I hit submit right in the middle of my post because I didn't want to lose my typing, then "X-ed" out of the screen quickly.  The last thing I need is for him to catch me typing about him on an internet forum.

Prosperity

[Prosperity]

I called this post "denial" because of the way he always comes up with these brilliant excuses for himself as to why it was actually beneficial in some way to the family that he was out...such as he was at the library researching mortgages or how to start a new business (ha!) or at a real estate meeting (he is a construction worker with 3 mos. experience and it is his third job in a year)!?!? Or talking to his lawyer about custody issues, and somehow I always suspect it is a lie and he was actually goofing off with his friends, or at a bar or restaurant drinking because I examin his bank statement each month (we have separate accounts--thank god) and there are always daily charges with his debit card at bars and restaurants with tabs in excess of $40 sometimes, and it seems as though he almost dialy withdraws money from an ATM as well. $20, $30, $80!!!!

No wonder he can't pay any bills.  Oh, but it's all gas money for his 45 minute commute, about which he is bitterly resentful, even though he chose to work there AFTER we moved into our home.  AAACK!!

Properity

[rosencrantz]

That just set up a little alert in my mind.  I'm not sure if it's appropriate for me to share this, but the words Gamblers Anonymous popped into my mind...??? Apologies if this is way out of line.
R

[mary]

Proserity,  I am struggling with my husband.  My kids were falling apart with depression as we went into therapy as the months went on we learned that my husband is N and so is his mother.  It explained so much of what has happened in our lives.  I have pulled away from his mother and that has been a relief.  I have blamed my relationship with her mostly on myself and she has been mean and manipulative.  My husband has been wonderful and terrible.  There has been so much that was terrible.  He has expressed so much dissatifaction with our kids.  He talks to one kid saying bad things about another one.  He has brought about a lot of  pain.  Everyone had to be super intelligent like him or be a dissapointment to him.  None of us could ever quite be as smart and as wonderful as he is.   Now that we realize that he is N I realize that I have built a world in my mind .  That world has tried to make sense of his behavior and really was kind of filled with hope.  Now I am trying to figure out what is real.  I cant figure it out yet.  I have so throughly moved into this world of finding a way to survive that I don't know how to find my way out of it.  I dont  know for sure what is real.  I wanted to smooth out things for my kids but now I am learning about how he talked to them behind my back.  My daughter says that she feels a lot of what I feel.  She says that they(the kids) lived in an unreal world too.   I am struggling to find  what is real.  I am struggling to understand what has happened to us.  I am angry too that we are so hurt by him.  My kids will never get their childhoods back ofcourse but maybe they can get a handle on this and get it behind them.  The therapist says that they are not N.  I am grateful that it stops here.  Now if we can get our lives into a real place and feel some happiness.

[Prosperity]

More like, Alcoholics Anonymous.  GA not a suggestion out of line....hubby drinks all his money away in bars.  There are usually three places I am almost guaranteed to find him at one of them if I call there.
Prosperity

[Prosperity]

Mary,

I am sorry to hear of the struggles with your family.  Thank you for sharing it.  It helps to feel that others know what I am experiencing.  The situations sound similar.  It gives me a window into the future for my children, and ideas for some ways i could prevent or reduce some of the damage to them from their father.  Just the awareness of it alone has got to be some help.

Prosperity