Dear Hurt,
I could say that I am sorry for your pain, but you know as well as I, that you created your own situation and now you are paying the price.
I have been divorced twice. The first time, was from a man who was emotionally abusive, that I married very young, to get away from my emotionally abusive father. There were no children, and by the time the divorce happened, there was no love left to care whether he was there or not.
The second divorce was, however, a very painful and devastating experience. I was married for 22 years to a man who I believed was honest, kind, caring, loving and would have sold his soul to the devil before he would have cheated on me. I was so wrong about him because he lied and hid his real self from me for all those years. We had a wonderful family, with 2 beautiful children, who thought we were the perfect family. I thought so too, until I learned of his infidelity, lying, addiction to pornography--the list goes on.
I learned of all of this over 3 1/2 years ago. I was in indescribable pain and devastation. I couldn't eat, sleep, function--but had to care for the child I still had at home, be supportive of my son who had just left for college, put my home on the market, navigate through a divorce that I never wanted and certainly did not initiate, and try to figure out what I would do next when I was 53 years old and had been a stay-at-home mom for 20+ years. I was so scared and very alone. My children are the only family I have.
My ex and I went into couples therapy (at my pleading) when I learned that he wanted out of the marriage. We did therapy together for 6 weeks before he literally walked out of a therapy session, went home and packed his clothes, said good-bye to his daughter and left--never to return again. The therapist we were seeing, became my therapist for an additional 2 years before he finally felt I could manage on my own. He was the one who identified my ex as n. Prior to that, I was totally unaware of the disorder.
Today, I am in a new relationship, which is wonderful and has made me very happy for over 2 years. This past weekend, I attended the graduation of my son, who was 2 weeks into his freshman year when his dad decided he wanted to be with his girlfriend. My children were devastated by their father's behavior, and really hate being forced to spend time with the girlfriend, but have figured out their relationship their dad and they get along. The four of us actually went out for lunch together after my son's graduation. It was the first meal we had shared together since our separation over 3 1/2 years ago. It went fine and everyone was polite and cordial. I guess that is the best we can expect going into the future and knowing we will share other important events in our children's lives.
I can tell you now that I am better off for the divorce and have a chance at a real relationship as I go into the future without my children around full time (or even part-time, for that matter). My b/f has 4 young adult children who I have grown very attached to and enjoy spending time with. I am having to re-create my idea of family and how that will look as I move into the future. But I would be a liar if I did not say that there is a part of me that still misses my intact family. I felt it yesterday, as the four of us chatted at lunch and I could remember all the times we had done it in the past. But I love my b/f and know that he is my future. I did all I could to hold my family together, but it was not meant to be.
Get yourself into therapy and find a divorce support group. Find out why you did what you did. Work with all your might to restore your relationship with your children. Prove to them that you can be a better man than you have been. I don't know if your marriage can be saved, but maybe it was not meant to be. If you truly love and respect someone--you would never cheat on them.
I wish you well.
Brigid
