Author Topic: divorce hurts  (Read 2570 times)

Hurt

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divorce hurts
« on: May 19, 2007, 11:22:08 AM »
Going through a divorce is really tearing my insides out and making me unable to focus.  My mind is full of memories, events, both good and bad, trying to figure out what happened to make it all fall apart.  The hurt is effecting me physically and it really has made my job performance terrible.  I am the father of two children and I feel guilt on not being able to shake the hurt, and get things done.  Stomach in knots, vision problems, anxiety, lack of sleep....  any advice?

Hurt   

Overcomer

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Re: divorce hurts
« Reply #1 on: May 19, 2007, 11:27:22 AM »
Hurt:  Divorce is never an easy thing even if it is wanted.  The emotions run high and you have to mourn the loss just like you would mourn a death.

Not knowing any of your story, I cannot comment on anything..............tell us more and we can help you through this!
Kelly

"The Best Way Out is Through........and try laughing at yourself"

hurt

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Re: divorce hurts
« Reply #2 on: May 19, 2007, 11:48:45 AM »
Thank you for responding Overcomer I am more interested in not revisiting the past but advice towards making a better future.  The past makes me hurt too much especially since I really loved this woman.  I would have a difficult time writing about it.  The effect of this tremendous void in my life from this person stepping out has made me want to stop look inside myself and try to put things in order.  I wrestle with wanting to hate my X, but deep down I still care more about her than myself.  Then the process of divorce is so sterile no one cares about the hurt its just money and custody that matters.   The conflict of a lover becoming your worst enemy is so terrible!   

Hurt

Overcomer

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Re: divorce hurts
« Reply #3 on: May 19, 2007, 02:15:24 PM »
Hurt:  I have been through a divorce.  This board is for people who have dealt with Narcissistic People and had no voice.  With my mom I have had no voice at all for over 40 years.  She controlled almost everything I ever did until the last few years......for five years I have been on a journey to climb out of the pit I have been living in because of her.  When I was married so got totally involved in the marriage and would'nt let me divorce my husband even though he had been with over 25 women during our marriage, left me for one of them when my second child was two months old, didn't work to speak of, was totally irresponsible and lazy, etc. etc.  He had his own issues but I was fed up and someone else gave me permission to leave him.

On the other side of the coin, I dated a man who was divorced by his wife.  He never got over her and was always crying about what he lost-job, wife, daughter, perfect home and life in the suburbs.........I considered her awful and stuck up for him for three years.  After I had suffered with all his "whoa is me" crap I realized she left him because he was a raging alcoholic and let it take over his life.  He would have kept all that stuff if he hadn't let his alcohol control him......

So don't know if you are a wonderful man and your wife is bad news, or if you drove her away with some addiction.  Or something else entirely.  What I do know is divorce is hard.  It breaks up families and it can be devastating.  It is devastating even if you want it.  Ask CB, she left a horrible marriage but her life is no piece of cake.

Also my friend had the perfect life.  Both she and her husband were beautiful, physically fit, had perfect kids and perfect house and jobs..................but she was rigid.  When he was going through what I will call a midlife crisis and wanted to invite the guys over to the house to have a few beers and watch the ball game she said NO!!  (Because she was a "perfect" Chrisitan and she couldn't have alcohol in the house..........)  I told her to let him because she needed to ride this midlife crisis WITH him and not become the enemy......but she didn't and he left her.  Now she struggles and struggles all for the need to be "perfect" and controlling...........

So whatever you are going through, we cannot help you other than give you cyber hugs if we do not know the circumstances of your divorce.  Whatever it is, I am sure it is painful and maybe sometime you will be able to talk more specifically about it.  Until then, peace to you!!
Kelly

"The Best Way Out is Through........and try laughing at yourself"

Hopalong

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Re: divorce hurts
« Reply #4 on: May 19, 2007, 03:36:08 PM »
Welcome, Hurt...
There is no litmus test for posting here, glad you found us.

I know the pain of divorce (2x). I agree, it is devastatingly painful. You asked for advice...I couldn't urge you more strongly to find two things: a good therapist who has a good reputation and whom you feel you can trust (don't be afraid, but don't be afraid to "shop", either), and a men's support group, perhaps through a church youo are comfortable with, or run by a good psychologist.

You need to not be isolated as you suffer and grieve. Simply being heard will help you heal. You can practice that here, as much as you are ready to. We'll listen.

Grieving, being in pain...these are the human responses to heartbreak. But it is being a human in community that will heal you. Your children need you, so you do need to take the steps to get yourself help and support. These are the best medicine for this kind of pain.

Keep posting, there's a community here too.

Welcome again,
Hopalong
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

aware

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Re: divorce hurts
« Reply #5 on: May 19, 2007, 06:53:18 PM »
I can relate.  I went through one of those myself.  It sounds like you are very overwhelmed with yourself and your feelings.  Maybe, you should see a therapist.  I am for therapy, while my family is the complete opposite, meaning mother and siblings.      You need to take care of yourself, so you can take care of your kids. 

hurt

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Re: divorce hurts
« Reply #6 on: May 20, 2007, 04:58:19 AM »
First Thank you for so many responses!
 I will seek a therapist and more people for support. Hop your are correct in your observation I have isolated myself too almost being an outcast.  I am so un motivated, hurt, and devestated by this loss.  This woman was so much to me and especially the children, that I walk around "sick" just missing them.   

This Pain was brought on by my own selfish actions, infedelity, abuse, threats, trickery, and deception.  (I know a real winner!) So I am not without fault as to my own situation.   Looking inward I am at a loss as to why I did these things?  That is the question and inner peace I seek out.  Sometimes out of anger... but How can someone love a person and still do bad things?  Why do we get greedy?   The guilt I carry is heavy along with the remorse... especially for my childrens sake.  They are ones paying for the sins of the parent.   Alas, if we could go around twice the things we would change. 

Overcomer:  I appreciate the focus of this board!  I hope that I am not to far off the main path, but in an interesting note  my spouse  accused me of acting like a N. I guess you see the irony.  Anyways...N or not the Pain is crushing, and the sickness is terrible, and many questions remain unanswered... 

Trying to get up off the floor.....
Hurt

axa

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Re: divorce hurts
« Reply #7 on: May 20, 2007, 07:41:36 AM »
Hurt

You say you care about your wife more than you care about yourself.  For a start I think working with a therapist and looking at this issues is paramount to your healing.  This may be a great challenge for you but houses that are built on shakey foundations fall down.  About your lies/infidenity etc.......... My X did the same and the wounds were just so painful that I left him.  I do not believe you can love someone and do this to them.  I do believe it is possible to change if you are brave enough to look at yourself and why you behaved in this way.  You must have known somewhere in yourself that this behaviour could only end in disaster.  I know my X, in as much as was possible, cared for me but he sabotaged the relationship and lost one of the few people in his life that ever loved him.  He has gone on to another and is going to play out the same "game" again I guess this is your chance to create change for yourself which will benefit not only you but also your children.

Hope you find a lot of what you need on this sight..........keep posting.

axa

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Re: divorce hurts
« Reply #8 on: May 20, 2007, 11:00:34 AM »
One thing you should do I M O is make sure you take case of yourself-my friend went from bad to worse after his wife left him-now he never sees his daughter and has become a raging alcoholic.  Plus if you take care of your issues and become a better person, your wife may take you back.  Although your pain is much right now, try to get better not bitter!  But no matter what, you are going to grieve and there are many stages to that grief.  Love and peace to ya!
Kelly

"The Best Way Out is Through........and try laughing at yourself"

Hurt

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Re: divorce hurts
« Reply #9 on: May 20, 2007, 05:55:45 PM »
Overcomer,

You are so right...I am so hurt and sick, then I feel bitter and resentful!  I kick myself for being so stupid and caught up in my own selfishness and lust...  Then I become so BITTER, I usually never drink and recently have been going out and getting a drink with dinner.  Nothing I cant handle,  but your post is a good warning shot that I dont look for some chemical to help my hurt go away.

 Ami, Yes I am FACING MYSELF and it is UGLY the deeds, tactics, lies...  I have read some of your posts on other threads and note that you are also on a healing path.  I enjoyed seeing that and it helps to instill a ray of hope.  I wonder what your story is?   I will be attending a support group to help gain some more spirtual growth... this is necessary!!  I believe my lack of spirit led to the demise of my marriage... I just know God doesn't believe in divorce.  I married the woman of my dreams (and her faults) and just killed the relationship with SIN.  She has no trust for me left and we began to aways 2nd guess each other....  Now, its just a $$ game ...   Sad with children on the alter....  SAD, SAD, and more SADNESS...

AXA.. talk to me about the anger and the wound your X did to you.  I wonder if their is an act of contrition that would have helped to keep together?  I would love to repair my relationship with my wife.  I believe the damage is too great... but I am willing to try anything to keeep the family together. 

Thank you all for your thoughts.....

Humbled and Depressed

Hurt

Hopalong

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Re: divorce hurts
« Reply #10 on: May 20, 2007, 06:19:07 PM »
Hurt,
Divorce is a death. It has to be grieved.

I am sorry if this isn't helpful, but I don't believe there is a god who approves and disapproves. Marriage is a very new and complicated insitutaion, in human history. Quite recently it was simply a contract that involved protecting land ownership, inheritance, things like that.

We've iherited the tradition and "obey" it.

I believe that new truths are revealed in life, new ways of seeing things. I don't think you have to be trapped in a miserable marrige out of fear of wrath from a deity.

How about thinking about this: maybe your life, in the long run, would be completely different if you dedicated yourself with no more self-pity to learning everything you can get your hands on about emotional health and inner peace, and devoted yourself to being the best human being you can be.

And that includes happiness. Not selfishness, but real happiness. So be a loving father. Control yourself. Make positive choices. Be responsible about the money. Never, ever miss a time with your kids.

And never, ever, make them feel responsible for cheering you up. That's not their job...it's YOUR job to go learn about being a good man.

You can do it.

Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Hurt

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Re: divorce hurts
« Reply #11 on: May 20, 2007, 06:28:58 PM »
Hops:

Your a good person and I appreciate the post.  I still have a lot of work to do to gain inner peace the bitterness of divorce has a strong hold on me.  I guess the bitterness and depression are a one two punch to getting any inner peace.  My wife used to accused me of being an N!  These accusations make me wonder if I am scarred and damaged in my thought process and will ever find spiritual health, and enjoy true love.

Hurt

Hopalong

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Re: divorce hurts
« Reply #12 on: May 20, 2007, 07:57:01 PM »
Hi Hurt,
thanks for thinking well of me.

I wanted to ask, do you know what's happenig inside you when you want one woman to talk to you, or to accept private emils from you? What feeling are you having when you ask that of someone here? You've only typed a couple of posts so I found that kind of startling.

Do you think you feel a sense of entitlement? That would be one characteristic to look for, if you're concerned you may be narcissistic.

I know many N men I've known have had problems accepting therapy, they usually feel afraid (but it comes out as superiority to therapists). Have you been in therapy? Are you going now?

I don't know if you're an N or not but you might start tracking your anger, see what sort of messages it gives you.

best,
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Brigid

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Re: divorce hurts
« Reply #13 on: May 20, 2007, 08:07:47 PM »
Dear Hurt,
I could say that I am sorry for your pain, but you know as well as I, that you created your own situation and now you are paying the price. 

I have been divorced twice.  The first time, was from a man who was emotionally abusive, that I married very young, to get away from my emotionally abusive father.  There were no children, and by the time the divorce happened, there was no love left to care whether he was there or not. 

The second divorce was, however, a very painful and devastating experience.  I was married for 22 years to a man who I believed was honest, kind, caring, loving and would have sold his soul to the devil before he would have cheated on me.  I was so wrong about him because he lied and hid his real self from me for all those years.  We had a wonderful family, with 2 beautiful children, who thought we were the perfect family.  I thought so too, until I learned of his infidelity, lying, addiction to pornography--the list goes on.

I learned of all of this over 3 1/2 years ago.  I was in indescribable pain and devastation.  I couldn't eat, sleep, function--but had to care for the child I still had at home, be supportive of my son who had just left for college, put my home on the market, navigate through a divorce that I never wanted and certainly did not initiate, and try to figure out what I would do next when I was 53 years old and had been a stay-at-home mom for 20+ years.  I was so scared and very alone.  My children are the only family I have.

My ex and I went into couples therapy (at my pleading) when I learned that he wanted out of the marriage.  We did therapy together for 6 weeks before he literally walked out of a therapy session, went home and packed his clothes, said good-bye to his daughter and left--never to return again.  The therapist we were seeing, became my therapist for an additional 2 years before he finally felt I could manage on my own.  He was the one who identified my ex as n.  Prior to that, I was totally unaware of the disorder.

Today, I am in a new relationship, which is wonderful and has made me very happy for over 2 years.  This past weekend, I attended the graduation of my son, who was 2 weeks into his freshman year when his dad decided he wanted to be with his girlfriend.  My children were devastated by their father's behavior, and really hate being forced to spend time with the girlfriend, but have figured out their relationship their dad and they get along.  The four of us actually went out for lunch together after my son's graduation.  It was the first meal we had shared together since our separation over 3 1/2 years ago.  It went fine and everyone was polite and cordial.  I guess that is the best we can expect going into the future and knowing we will share other important events in our children's lives.

I can tell you now that I am better off for the divorce and have a chance at a real relationship as I go into the future without my children around full time (or even part-time, for that matter).  My b/f has 4 young adult children who I have grown very attached to and enjoy spending time with.  I am having to re-create my idea of family and how that will look as I move into the future.  But I would be a liar if I did not say that there is a part of me that still misses my intact family.  I felt it yesterday, as the four of us chatted at lunch and I could remember all the times we had done it in the past.  But I love my b/f and know that he is my future.  I did all I could to hold my family together, but it was not meant to be.

Get yourself into therapy and find a divorce support group.  Find out why you did what you did.  Work with all your might to restore your relationship with your children.  Prove to them that you can be a better man than you have been.  I don't know if your marriage can be saved, but maybe it was not meant to be.  If you truly love and respect someone--you would never cheat on them.

I wish you well.

Brigid

Hurt

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Re: divorce hurts
« Reply #14 on: May 20, 2007, 09:59:05 PM »
Thank you Brigid.  I am responsible for this Pain and it's effects.  It is the pain and hurt that motivates me to understand this "death".  I am going to see a T next week for divorce depression and hope to gain more help.  This forum is helpful and cost effective, plus it allows me an outlet to pin my bitterness and hurt.   Your story about the family "lunch" after all that time really made me feel sad.... why is it we don't see the consequences of our actions?  I won't even try to salvage a marriage until I fully understand all my problems, events, and make some spiritual growth.  I would have never left my wife, then why would I, since she wasn't the abuser.  After all those years of marriage you had Brigid  and he walked out.  So, so sad why do we hurt people we love?  It is a lesson in priorities, I wonder if your X regrets his mistake now?  The value of keeping your original family together should be conmended I wish I could have had some insight before letting things fall apart.

Hurt