Hello
I wanted to post about my journey thru the N minefield, my discoveries and realizations. I hope other people will also share their journeys. I feel so good to hear other people’s stories because it makes me feel less alone.
For about the past year, I’ve been reading this web site and other web sites that discuss dealing with N people. I’ve also read many, many (MANY) books on Nism and been in therapy.
My father died 10 years ago and my mother died around 2 years ago. I grew up in a house that was full of yelling.
I have an older brother (he’s 45). He can’t hold a job. I support him thru a family business. I recently confirmed that my brother is a misogynist (he hates women).
Up until my mother died, she and I ran the family business. I used to think that my mother and I were equal partners in the business, but my therapist showed me that my mother retained all management control of the business and always thwarted my attempts to make improvements. I had always thought that my mother could be hard to deal with, but I didn’t realize she had N traits until after she died.
So, how did I get on the road of N discovery? After my mother died, I asked my brother to help me with the business and he did. But, his “help” involved me being subjected to his rages multiple times a day. Once I called 911 and the cops came: I had asked my brother to leave (because I couldn’t take his screaming) and he refused (as he always did) and he continued yelling at me so I called the cops.
I spoke to a friend of mine about the 911 incident and my friend said my brother sounded like a “Borderline”. So, I read about Borderline Personality disorder and that cross referenced Narcissism. I decided that my brother has N traits. Reading about Nism lead me to see that an N often has at least one N parent. I can’t decide which of my parents was the N: it’s a toss up.
As I read about Nism, I, of course, looked at myself and my relationships (love, friendship, employment) and I saw that many, if not most, of my boyfriends were Ns and that due to my upbringing, I subjected myself to Ns: I allowed boyfriends, friends and employers to mistreat me, I always second guessed myself, I ignored or rationalized my feelings, I didn’t listen to my gut, my voice within, and I didn’t think I deserved good things in my life.
After reading many books and web sites on Nism and going to therapy, I realized that my feelings and ideas, my “world view”, were typical of someone who is raised in a “dysfunctional” home by N parents.
I have also realized that when someone is raised in a “dysfunctional” home by N parents, you don’t know what “normal” is, so, you allow people to mistreat you because you’ve been mistreated all your life and (a) you think the mistreatment is “normal” and (b) you realize that you don’t know what “normal” really is.
So, as an adult, I have to learn what is and is not “normal” or “mistreatment”.
Also, now I listen to my inner voice and watch for “red Flags” which I used to rationalize and excuse because my parents told me I was too sensitive and over reacting.
While I may sound very “matter of fact” in telling my story, it has been a VERY, VERY painful and shocking journey and I still have a long way to go.
I used to think “journey of self discovery” was a trite cliché, but no more. I am on a “journey of self discovery”.
I’m about 25% to 33% thru my journey. What have I learned, experienced, discovered so far?
-a huge sense of sadness for all the wasted years,
-disappointment that my parents were so messed up,
-shock that I, as an adult, am beginning to learn what is “normal”,
-A sense of joy in feeling “validated”,
-A sense of joy in feeling that I should trust my inner voice,
-stronger because I can now identify “red flags”.
These are some of my discoveries in my journey of self discovery. I’d love to hear about yours.
Love to you all,
Sally
