bean,
Today, I'm really good, actually. I like and trust my therapist (so far). But I haven't started therapy yet.
I don't "fear a relationship with a man" I just don't want it. I never understood why all the girls would talk about boys . I don't understand it at all. In fact, I'm repulsed by them at a very deep level. I think it's cognitive thing involving neuron paths, neurotransmitters and synapses. This is speculation, but I just might hate them all at a chemical level. (I prefer the cognitive branch of psychology). I became aware of this in the last few months. For example: one day I was walking across the university lawn and I saw two people laying on the grass, their bodies parallel to the ground, and they were leaning on each other. I didn't see their sexes but I think they were male and female. The sight of them made me sick to my stomach, I felt the bile creeping up my esophagus. I had to look away or I might have vomited (which would have been embarrassing). I was shocked at the intensity of my reaction. Normally when I see things like this or hear people talk about dates or kissing or sex or anything like that, I can't relate. I normally just roll my eyes and wonder what would possess them into these activities. But mostly I ignore such conversation.
It is no big deal really. The issue is this: I am only just now aware of this dislike. But I can't control it, my body and mind do it instinctively, and even when I try to be nice to them, I can't. I know in theory that all men aren't bad, I reckon alot are actually quite nice. I know it is wrong to have a huge and all-encompassing prejudice like this. But my body reacts that way. And I truly have no desire to change this. BUT I do have male acquiescences since I like to play videogames. They are good for that.
