Hi again...
I'd like to give this another try, because it's been on my mind and heart both
all day, here and there and everywhere.... and I feel that I can't move on until this is sorted.
Gonna start back where I left off earlier. Many thanks for your patience with my method here... it's the only way I know to put thoughts and feelings into order.
Mof4, I don't know what my dad is trying to accomplish, but thank you for this! If I'm going to discuss this with him at all, I think that's the first thing I should ask. I feel so stupid for not even being able to think along the simplest line of reasoning when under the haze of all this emotion. I used to blame the emotions and try to shut them down so I could see clearly. All that resulted in
was silence. So thank you again! Takin notes this time and that will be my question to him if I decide to write back (not sure on that yet).
Thanks, S&S ... you've helped me see - about this: "If you feel dread then he is violating you or all the times he did are descending on you."
I think it's the latter... and then that combines with past impressions of N ex-husband, the way he'd back me up against the wall... and then that all co-mingles until there's this one giant N in view. But my Dad's not NPD. He's just ignorant and unskilled in emotional matters and... 86 years old. I have to say that if I ever called on him to help with something he would be there.
It frightens me that I can so easily forget all the good because of this sort of grisly flashback which relates more to N-ex than to my Dad... ? Obviously, I'm confused about this, but the feelings I have against my father relate more to wishing he had been able to deal better with how my mother ruled the house. I think he's just weak and misunderstands what the Bible says about honoring
his wife in marriage. For what it's worth, I CAN give him my views on that topic, along with appropriate Scripture references.
Bigalspal, Yes, passive is right! I can only recall a handful of occasions when my Dad has actually put his foot down about something. Passive-aggressive would also be accurate... in a mild sense (if that makes sense). Dad's always been a very hard worker and very old-fashioned. I've often thought that he must have a special squadron of angels watching over him to have escaped
dire consequences from all that drinking. I'm so sorry about your Dad... about that whole situation. It is very sad. I'm so glad you're able to share here... that's how we all learn to grow through it. Thank you!
Lighter... your post was my stopper earlier today
Thanks!
I read this:
"I don't think you can begin to express your own needs,much less get them met in all your parent's neediness."and then this:
"I can't find much value in relationships that require I be witness and conspiritor ONLY." and I blinked hard.
Looked back at it several times today. Still blinking.
It never dawned on me that I should be expressing my own needs... to my parents?!! ... let alone getting them met??!
That's how new all of this is to me. Only with my husband and kids and on relatively few other occasions has this become my new m.o.
Yanno, I think I need to get out more!
No kiddin, I read this and thought... Hmmm... what a novel idea!
And then this: "Maybe if you put some boundaries in place and withdraw a bit, with love, they'll notice you're there for more than just their own selfish needs?"
Now that gives me hope
Helped me move all that stuff from my head to my heart and tie it together. I haven't applied these things with my parents... my new skills, so to speak. Only here at my own home and practicing with others, little by little, but where
they are
concerned, I can see that I'm still reacting out of the "old me".
Not making much sense of this right now, but it'll come out. What stopped me up short earlier is now becoming the gateway to a new possibility.
Thank you so much!
Hops and Ami,
Thank you both for your support!
I think what I'm recognizing here is that my Dad really has no reason to know me at this point... because I haven't shared anything of my self with him.
Since I haven't allowed him to see who I am (who knew who I was? I was too busy surviving) I really can't blame him for using his same old lines.
Also, I just read this week's letter after picking it up from the p.o. and he just talks about his woodworking, etc.... same old thing, just his own stuff, but that does me no harm... unless I choose to take offense at his lack of interest in me. Before I cross that bridge, I feel that I must at least try to share myself with him... no strings attached. All this time... I have only written
very rarely, so basically he's just carried on this monologue for the past 6 years with no feedback. I feel like what happened is I reacted to alot of old images in my mind and this thing tried to take on a life of its own. I feel like I know my Dad alot better than he knows me... he has an 8th grade education and
is not the most literate person in the world... so often he comes across in a rather crude manner, but the drama in this whole thing is in my mind... not in his words... and I want it outta there
So - my tentative plan is to write to each of them individually and seal each letter separately. That oughtta give them both pause, for starters. I'll ask Dad what is his goal in having this private discussion and tell him that he'll have to
do that in writing AND that I don't want to hear or read anything negative about my mother. If he has issues with her, he should take them up with her, face to face. I don't know how much I'll give of my own take on this whole thing, but I would like to "introduce" myself to this man while he's still on this earth. It just seems like the right thing to do. I'm thinking that they didn't steal anything from me near so much as they neglected to put something in. What was missing was just the most basic training of how to relate as a human being in a world of other human beings who need to connect with each other instead of competing against each other and playing off each other.
Thanks again, everyone... so very much!
Love,
Hope
