Hey again,
Lighter...
"a good gershlappity" I saw this last night just before I shut down the computer and grinned
It's wonderful that you gave your mother that reality rundown and she responded so well.
Sometimes I think it's like we individuate ourselves once early on (in adolescence?) and then somehow blur back together with parents (at least in their minds... and maybe in our own, too, to a certain extent) as we have children of our own. That seems to be what's happened with me.
Earlier this year I gave them one of those gershlappities re: my own religious beliefs (with differ greatly from theirs, with which I was raised.)
I got silence from my mother and numerous articles from dad which pointed to the fact that my belief is heresy.
In all fairness, after years of general silence, that was a doozy of a topic for me to pick on which to "communicate".
So I read this last night and then went to bed... and cried. I don't know how it began, it just did. My eye was watering and suddenly I was crying. Talked with my husband and cried some more... because my parents have indeed been supportive (in their own way - financially and physically) through my divorce struggles. It's the emotional component that's always been missing... missing in them and in me.
It's been missing in me because I didn't see it modeled. I can only assume that their debilitation is based on lack of modeling, as well.
The fact is, my way of reaching out for emotional contact was destructive and rule-breaking (by Christian standards).
My mother and dad value the rules too much to do that, so they never learned. Everything in me that
did reach out to others - - - my mother views as weakness. And yet I know that she envies that in me. That must have put her into quite a bind.
Well, my husband says that he's come to terms with his own mother by simply saying, "She did the best that she could with what she knew." He doesn't try to fix her... or convince her... that she's okay. He doesn't return her calls, either.... .
I kept up communication with her for some time, because I highly prized her willingness to delve into the realm of emotions.
Very recently, though, I learned that's not all it's cracked up to be. She dropped her email correspondence with me - cold - and sent my husband's birthday greeting through my email, with an icy note re: her being unable to locate his email address and perhaps he could read it on my computer. No "hello"... no "thank you"... no "I'll reply to your last letter soon..." Nothing. And nothing since.
Last night, I said, well... I wanted to feel these things (just not all at once!!)... and now what? What's the purpose? And the answer was,
so that I can hold the entire picture in view at once and stop splitting the good from the bad, ponging from one to the other depending on the circumstances of the moment. An integrated view. God help me maintain it.
And thank you, Lighter, from my heart... for giving me the gentle push in that direction.
Thank you Hops and Pennyplant and Ami...
It's good to have these discussions someplace other than within my own head. Don't think I'd best write their letters after only 4 hours sleep, but soon. Nothing huge and heavy, just some clear statements - with love. Because I do love my parents.. I just don't "need" them to be anyone other than who they are. That's a need I can't afford to nurture.
Maybe I can share with them a bit of my own "evolution", if they're interested. I dunno.
And yes, this board works together in wonderful ways
I've learned so much here... and I wouldn't trade that experience for anything.
Thank you all.
With love,
Hope
