If whoever diagnosed him did so correctly I'd say you were fortunate to have one who barely clears the bar.
Many of us only know those to whom such relatively decent and reasonable conversations and behaviors like the ones you describe of your ex are not only unimaginable but utterly impossible.
that's been the problem with me swimming against the tide for a long time dear Mud- remember when y'all used to tell me I was crazy ( I may be paraphrasing that ) and he'd never change?
And then sit with me through setback after setback.
You must have all thought I was the most naive and stupid person ever, but I always saw this glimmer in my ex, always knew he could change if he tried to.
I wouldn't advocate anyone doing what I have tried to do- and no doubt the next set of setbacks will have people tutting and wondering just what kind of an idiot I am- but nothing's impossible Mud, and especially not with G_d.
You know I have always felt it was my path as a Christian to help my ex as much as I can and allow him to see my vulnerability in that. And yes- he has hurt me.
But I have survived, and kept my family together, and possibly helped him and definitely helped me.
Some people with personality disorder may be out-and-out monsters, and I am not doubting that with most NPD people behaviour is frightening and confusing and maddening.
But I have to take some responsibility for our relationship dynamics too.
Ex stopped abusing me when I stopped allowing it.
He started listening to my truth when I got brave enough to speak it, then shout it, then speak it again.
And he started being kinder and learned humility after I did....
This is a problem with a support group- you only belong whilst you can share the same problems.
I noticed the exact same thing when I finally stopped drinking.
Comments of 'well your problem isn't as bad as mine' crept in as my abstinence months crept up, and it started to feel like gloating to celebrate victories and milestones.
Same with the bipolar- I have had the same levelled at me 'it would be impossible/unimaginable for me to live without medication' etc.
One of the reasons I have overcome all this stuff is undoubtedly I could afford to- financially I have had the best family input from psychiatrists and a wonderful therapist just for me for the past four or so years.
But the strongest is this- when people have said it's impossible I have still carried on, done it anyway if it felt like the right thing. You can't know how many times I've picked myself up, over and over, though I have often written about it and been encouraged here.
I'm sorry other people haven't had similar outcomes with their difficult situations but I've been through all this and I am going to savour every single triumph. Because I've worked for it. And earned it. And I'd do exactly the same thing again.
Je ne regrette rien! I tell you....
*
That's not to say anyone should undertake a relationship with NPD or alcoholism or mental illness or any other problem in it; now I am well I am trying to look for relationships with healthy people, or at least people who can manage their unhealthiness.
And that's another place where it was my responsibility too- breaking a pattern of looking for situations and relationships with severe problems so I could avoid myself.
*
There's one thing I especially do not regret in any of this.
When my bipolar was at its worst I vowed as I recovered never to do anything hurtful or hateful ever, and to raise the bar on my values and standards so that if and when I do get sick I am living the best life I can.
I don't have casual relationships/sex, flirt, hang around with people who are married, and especially don't allow myself to be dismissive or unkind any more.
Then when I do get manic I don't find myself embroiled in affairs or horrible arguments or vulnerable situations.
And you know- as I have changed my family has changed, ex has changed. If he goes for therapy he'll change more; I no longer feel that's any of my business so long as he takes care of our family and behaves acceptably.
But if he does change and grow and overcome his limitations I will be the first to cheer and encourage that; it would be churlish of me not to surely, and to keep going back and simply continue pointing out all the things he's done wrong etc?
I asked him to make recompense, to undertake acts of apology and compensation. And I know he feels better for doing them, now he 'gets' what it means.
But also- I would still be afraid of him, as I was for so long, even until recently when I had the courage to finalise the divorce, if I hadn't said all this and risked rejection or humiliation.
And I'm not afraid now, of anything. Of being left out, or criticised, of being sober, of loneliness, of my illness or my past....I can do this and build the life I want and my family needs.
As you said a few weeks ago, out of great difficulty and pain has come growth and strength. I'm wobbly but I'm going to be fine.
~W
