Is It Always N Behavior to Violate Others' Boundaries?

[BonesMS]

OT, but I really, really enjoyed asking the nice moving man when he was here packing:
Would you mind just wrapping up that Xmas tree and all those decorations? He said sure!

I kept a tiny (10") fake tree I actually like, had bought it for my Mom's breakfast table, and my one favorite ornament with my D's baby photo that she'd made in preschool. And the door wreath.

Otherwise, the tree, star, ornamants, garlands for balcony and mantel, cinnamon wreaths and bows I made, outside netting lights I'd put on the bushes, and the garlands and bows for the lamppost--all packed for my brother.

Who accused me (among his other adorable things, in a 8-page document) of "Not allowing my mother to celebrate Christmas".) ???????????  I created Xmas for her every single year. Took her to lovely feasts with close neighbors/friends who invited us year after year, took her shopping while she could and helped her order things after she couldn't, wrapped and mailed her presents, got her presents, put on the music, made the potpourri, took her to Xmas Eve services...typed her holiday letter, helped her do her cards.

And he actually put that on his "list" of "abuses". The tiny spark he had was, my D does not do Xmas. I raised her UU and she had the choice. (She'd always visit her grandmother and me for a week sometime near then.) So because NMom always complained pitifully to my brother, when she'd call him, that there wasn't enough Xmas (she wanted full-tilt Norman Rockwell and it wasn't available, I could not recreate a big extended family for her and my brother's family rarely came) ... he took that tiny spark (my D not participating) and painted me with the same brush, when it bore no relation to reality at all.

I just really, really enjoyed the idea of him opening box after box after box of all the Xmas stuff I used to make a peaceful, pleasant, reliable and musical Xmas for our mother year after year.

(Not that he'd turn a hair about all the lies he told. I'm sure it didn't really trouble him a bit. But it was fun for me anyway.) And I love having that tiny tree with 2 ornaments and 1 door wreath, it feels so nice. That and the great music.

Hops

(((((((((((Hops)))))))))))))))))))

[sKePTiKal]

Bones, hon - you were the only sane, rational, competent one in that bunch!  Glad you finally got them to see sense. Is it snowing where you are? Even here at the beach, there was a threat of snow - and it's close! But still no white stuff!

HOPS!    does your post mean that you'll be moving soon? I'm confused; I knew you were packing up your bro's stuff and shipping to him... but packing your tree? Is that just one item being packed... or one of many? I've been so self-involved lately I feel like I've not paid enough attention to what's going on with everyone else... and so completely missing things.

[BonesMS]

Bones, hon - you were the only sane, rational, competent one in that bunch!  Glad you finally got them to see sense. Is it snowing where you are? Even here at the beach, there was a threat of snow - and it's close! But still no white stuff!

HOPS!    does your post mean that you'll be moving soon? I'm confused; I knew you were packing up your bro's stuff and shipping to him... but packing your tree? Is that just one item being packed... or one of many? I've been so self-involved lately I feel like I've not paid enough attention to what's going on with everyone else... and so completely missing things.

Thanks, P.R.!

It's COLD here but no snow yet.  After last winter, I don't want to see snow for a LONG while!

Bones

[Hopalong]

No sorry--I confused you.
I just meant the man from the moving company who was here to pack the furnishings and such (the personal property) that was to go to my brother as part of our legal settlement.

I'm still here, with two rooms empty (but I like them that way!) and quite cozy in my usual digs. The LR is still all furnished and quite lovely. He wanted all the furnishings and valuables from the dining room and the master bedroom suite and is welcome to them. I love it that all that stuff is gone, because it felt as though my brother's poison went with it, in a way.

I sent off the tree as it was not a happy item for me--my mother pressured me like mad year after year to create an impossible Christmas, and though I always did all I could, I soured on the holiday too. (The bit about an imagined rebuke to him, is just my imagining.)

xo
Hops
(thanks for the space Bones...bitter cold here too! Stay warm and I think it's hot chocolate weather.)

[sKePTiKal]

Thks Hops - I think my anxiety button is working overtime, these days! That, and my "empathy" button is a bit raw from overuse, lately.

About Christmas aversion, I'm beginning to think that there's a real connection between the "unrealistic expectation" of a Currier & Ives or Madison Avenue experience... and the unrealistic expectations forced on some of us, by the Ns in our lives. So I get it, about how much relief you felt sending the tree, too.

Bones - back to you! Tks for allowing us to "cross-talk"!

[BonesMS]

No sorry--I confused you.
I just meant the man from the moving company who was here to pack the furnishings and such (the personal property) that was to go to my brother as part of our legal settlement.

I'm still here, with two rooms empty (but I like them that way!) and quite cozy in my usual digs. The LR is still all furnished and quite lovely. He wanted all the furnishings and valuables from the dining room and the master bedroom suite and is welcome to them. I love it that all that stuff is gone, because it felt as though my brother's poison went with it, in a way.

I sent off the tree as it was not a happy item for me--my mother pressured me like mad year after year to create an impossible Christmas, and though I always did all I could, I soured on the holiday too. (The bit about an imagined rebuke to him, is just my imagining.)

xo
Hops
(thanks for the space Bones...bitter cold here too! Stay warm and I think it's hot chocolate weather.)

You're welcome, Hops!

Hot chocolate AND hot cider with a stick of cinnamon in it!

[BonesMS]

Thks Hops - I think my anxiety button is working overtime, these days! That, and my "empathy" button is a bit raw from overuse, lately.

About Christmas aversion, I'm beginning to think that there's a real connection between the "unrealistic expectation" of a Currier & Ives or Madison Avenue experience... and the unrealistic expectations forced on some of us, by the Ns in our lives. So I get it, about how much relief you felt sending the tree, too.

Bones - back to you! Tks for allowing us to "cross-talk"!

You're welcome, P.R.!

Christmas is so stressful right now and I can't help but feel a bit jaded about it.

I remember how I felt as a child, enjoying the beauty of the Christmas lights, the animated window displays, and the snow.  Now, it feels so commercialized with all the ads showing families getting together, (reminding me of what never existed in my reality), and the constant message of:  "BUY, BUY, BUY!!!!", (even when one can't afford it; then pressure to put it on a credit card that one can't afford either.)  Oh, then there is the occasional reminder of this charity or that....until January....when the attitude seems to revert back to:  "Not my problem, your problem!"   

Bones

[sKePTiKal]

Exactly Bones - that's what I meant about unrealistic expectations.

My family will never be the one in the ads - and it never was when I was a kid either. But then - it matters so little now because I've got "phamily"... and I get out & enjoy the lights etc, by my own self! In high school, I used to treat myself to midnight mass on Christmas Eve, to wash away the taste of my family's version of celebrating. It was like having my own private Christmas and it could be any way I wanted it to be.

I seriously fight the urge to "not celebrate" now, though. I'll not be denied participating - somehow - in the festivities just because all my early Christmas's were wrecked with awful fights; serious tension & anxiety; and overall gloom. That would be letting "them" win, to me. Hubby is genetically descended from one of Santa's elves and is the biggest kid of all - even this year, losing his mom. In some ways, it gives him some relief and a sense of "normal" - and let's him carry on doing what his mom so got a kick out of.

Here's how I boil down Christmas - sans sentimentality and marketing:

it's a holiday like any other holiday - no work and a chance to get together for a meal, catching up with people and their lives... with presents. The presents don't have to be "the one thing I've (they've) always wanted".... if I knew what that was for me, I'd probably stop posting because I'd be so happy & well adjusted I wouldn't have anything relevant to say here!    I sure don't know what it will be for someone else... so I just do the best I can. IF I get inspired - great! It seems like every year I find something memorable for a different person...

I am hostess-ly challenged so I've kinda learned to cope by always keeping things casual and informal. And I'm not afraid to slip in something I picked up at a bakery or deli, either! Even tho' I used to bake a lot.

[BonesMS]

Thanks, P.R.

[BonesMS]

Just random thinking this morning....

You may have heard of the TV program, "Stupid Criminals"....well, what about writing a book about "Dumb Things That N's Do"?  What would you put in the book?

Bones

[cgm1028]

It would not be a book, Bones, it would be a set of Encyclopedias 

In keeping with the holiday season, which goes without saying were stress-filled beyond belief with NM at the helm, this is a gem from Christmas past:

I had just gotten married in October (32 years ago), so DH and I were very excited to spend our first Christmas together as a married couple in our own home.  I also vowed that the holidays would be completely different in my household.  No stress, no fights, no drama!  So even though money was not plentiful, we had kept aside some of our wedding money in anticipation of the holidays.  I always loved a real tree, NM used fake ones cause she hated the mess real trees made.  Of course, she found the cheapest one available and kept it for years, way past its prime.  By the time I was married that poor tree of NM's had been serving us for at least 10 years by now and it was in sad shape.  So at Thanksgiving that year, NM asked what we were doing for a tree.  I told her we were going to get a real one.  So of course she went on and on how much better it was to have a fake one, trying to push her POV down our throats.  DH politely told her that we had made our decision and to back off.  She was miffed, but said nothing but had a strange smirk on her face.  Christmas Day comes and were are at NM for dinner.  (We would spend Christmas Eve at my in laws.)  I noticed that NM had gotten a new fake tree that year, but did not put 2 and 2 together at the time.  Now, of course I would understand.  Gift giving comes around and NM pushes over to DH and I this huge box.  Its beautifully wrapped and heavy.  I could not imagine what it was.  We were so excited to see what it was.  I know all of you know what it was.  Yes, the old decrepit fake tree that had been replaced.  DH and I were speechless.  NM launches into a speech on how we don't need to waste our money again now that we have a tree that will last for years.  Without saying a word, DH gets up, takes the tree and marches outside and throws the entire mess into the trash bin.  It was now NM turn to be shocked.  She told us we were ungrateful and DH set her straight on that.  We left shortly after.  Oh and by the way, that was our ONLY gift that year.  Not that I care about "things", but when she asked us what we wanted for Christmas that year we had asked for an electric heater since our apartment heat could be iffy at times.  But as usual NM had her won agenda. 

[BonesMS]

It would not be a book, Bones, it would be a set of Encyclopedias 

In keeping with the holiday season, which goes without saying were stress-filled beyond belief with NM at the helm, this is a gem from Christmas past:

I had just gotten married in October (32 years ago), so DH and I were very excited to spend our first Christmas together as a married couple in our own home.  I also vowed that the holidays would be completely different in my household.  No stress, no fights, no drama!  So even though money was not plentiful, we had kept aside some of our wedding money in anticipation of the holidays.  I always loved a real tree, NM used fake ones cause she hated the mess real trees made.  Of course, she found the cheapest one available and kept it for years, way past its prime.  By the time I was married that poor tree of NM's had been serving us for at least 10 years by now and it was in sad shape.  So at Thanksgiving that year, NM asked what we were doing for a tree.  I told her we were going to get a real one.  So of course she went on and on how much better it was to have a fake one, trying to push her POV down our throats.  DH politely told her that we had made our decision and to back off.  She was miffed, but said nothing but had a strange smirk on her face.  Christmas Day comes and were are at NM for dinner.  (We would spend Christmas Eve at my in laws.)  I noticed that NM had gotten a new fake tree that year, but did not put 2 and 2 together at the time.  Now, of course I would understand.  Gift giving comes around and NM pushes over to DH and I this huge box.  Its beautifully wrapped and heavy.  I could not imagine what it was.  We were so excited to see what it was.  I know all of you know what it was.  Yes, the old decrepit fake tree that had been replaced.  DH and I were speechless.  NM launches into a speech on how we don't need to waste our money again now that we have a tree that will last for years.  Without saying a word, DH gets up, takes the tree and marches outside and throws the entire mess into the trash bin.  It was now NM turn to be shocked.  She told us we were ungrateful and DH set her straight on that.  We left shortly after.  Oh and by the way, that was our ONLY gift that year.  Not that I care about "things", but when she asked us what we wanted for Christmas that year we had asked for an electric heater since our apartment heat could be iffy at times.  But as usual NM had her own agenda. 

YAY to your Hubby!!!!!!  I LOVE his response to her Royal #$@!-ness!!!!  I'm not surprised that she attempted to gift her garbage!!!  UGH!!!!   

[cgm1028]

Yes DH is pretty awesome and never took any crap from NM.  He was raised in a normal family, so he would see through the BS right away and was able to validate my feelings.  He's a great guy!

[sKePTiKal]

Applause for hubby for sticking up for you with NM, being insulted by her rediculous "gift" that only pleased herself, and dealing with it in a no nonsense fashion.

That's just a super story!

[BonesMS]

Yes DH is pretty awesome and never took any crap from NM.  He was raised in a normal family, so he would see through the BS right away and was able to validate my feelings.  He's a great guy!

Yeah, he's DEFINITELY a keeper!!!   

Bones