Is It Always N Behavior to Violate Others' Boundaries?

[BonesMS]

Hi (((Bones)))
 I am doing Yoga AFTER coffee  . Sorry about your cold!     x o x o Ami

Morning, Ami and thanks!

BTW, did you get a chance to look at the YouTube link that I posted?  Watching the Narcissist on the receiving end of the Vulcan grip is pretty FUNNY!!!!   

Bones

[Ami]

I will look , Bonesie. Take care of that cold!  x o x o  Ami

[BonesMS]

I will look , Bonesie. Take care of that cold!  x o x o  Ami

Thanks, Ami!

Bones

[HeartofPilgrimage]

Hi Bones, I know it is January and therefore the usual time for viruses and stuff to get us, but it does seem that around here there are an especially large number of people running fever with upper respiratory bugs. My hubby hardly EVER gets sick (he's one of those weird people who believes he can just DECIDE not to get sick ... and I kind of believe him because he could always throughout our 24 years of marriage hold off getting sick til vacation, at which point he always was sick with something, even the kids noticed) ... anyway, even he has been really really ill with an upper respiratory infection of some sort ... he ran up to 102 degrees of fever several days.

I hope yours is quick and mild. However, since I know your childhood memories are not that great ... maybe I can share some of my comfort stuff with you and maybe you can feel comforted by osmosis ...

Hi-C (orange or fruit punch flavor)
potato soup (my version is basically very thin mashed potatoes with lots of butter, milk, salt and pepper ... no chicken brother or anything else)
Vicks Vap-o-rub (either in the little compartment in a vaporizer OR smeared on an old piece of flannel and tucked into your nightgown like a bib)

My mom was best at nurturing when I was physically sick (she UNDERSTOOD physical illness but not emotional upset), so I do have memories of feeling secure when I was ill (it's a wonder I didn't turn into a malingerer). She always served Hi-C when I was sick, potato soup after I got my braces tightened, and "doped me up" with Vicks when I had congestion.

[BonesMS]

Hi Bones, I know it is January and therefore the usual time for viruses and stuff to get us, but it does seem that around here there are an especially large number of people running fever with upper respiratory bugs. My hubby hardly EVER gets sick (he's one of those weird people who believes he can just DECIDE not to get sick ... and I kind of believe him because he could always throughout our 24 years of marriage hold off getting sick til vacation, at which point he always was sick with something, even the kids noticed) ... anyway, even he has been really really ill with an upper respiratory infection of some sort ... he ran up to 102 degrees of fever several days.

I hope yours is quick and mild. However, since I know your childhood memories are not that great ... maybe I can share some of my comfort stuff with you and maybe you can feel comforted by osmosis ...

Hi-C (orange or fruit punch flavor)
potato soup (my version is basically very thin mashed potatoes with lots of butter, milk, salt and pepper ... no chicken brother or anything else)
Vicks Vap-o-rub (either in the little compartment in a vaporizer OR smeared on an old piece of flannel and tucked into your nightgown like a bib)

My mom was best at nurturing when I was physically sick (she UNDERSTOOD physical illness but not emotional upset), so I do have memories of feeling secure when I was ill (it's a wonder I didn't turn into a malingerer). She always served Hi-C when I was sick, potato soup after I got my braces tightened, and "doped me up" with Vicks when I had congestion.

Thanks, HoP!

Bones

[BonesMS]

I just received an e-mail from NDoofus.

Her sister died of cancer on Monday, January 25, 2010.  I debated about responding and went ahead and sent a message of condolence from bf and myself even though I know it is risking opening that "can of worms" with her.  At the same time, I don't feel comfortable being completely stone-hearted under these circumstances.  I just have to be REALLY vigilant about my boundaries with her at this juncture.

Bones

[BonesMS]

The memorial service is tomorrow morning at a church down the street from me.  Ironically, the deceased sister has NEVER had ANY connection with this particular church.  Only NDoofus has attended this particular place.  If bf is willing to attend the service, I'll go.  Otherwise, I do NOT want to walk into that situation ALONE knowing that I might be ganged up on by NDoofus and her coterie of Narcissistic Suppliers!   

Bones

[Ami]

Yes, that makes sense ,Bones! Good Morning     x o x Ami

[BonesMS]

Yes, that makes sense ,Bones! Good Morning     x o x Ami

Good morning, Ami, and thanks!

Bones

[BonesMS]

Knowing NDoofus the way I do, and given that the venue of the memorial service is on HER turf instead of a neutral place, it wouldn't surprise me that she would GRAB this opportunity to make HERSELF T-H-E STAR, put on the total DRAMA QUEEN routine, and DEMAND ALL THE ATTENTION BE FOCUSED ON ONLY HER!!!!!  She would IGNORE the fact that her other sister is there, her mother is there, her husband is there, along with other mourners.   

There's grief, then there's Narcissistic GARBAGE!

I no longer have any patience for that kind of rubbish!

Bones

[HeartofPilgrimage]

I know that your bf sometimes doesn't "get" the interpersonal stuff very well, but ... I found it really helpful when my Dad was sick to put my husband between me and my parents as a buffer. Maybe your bf could play this role in this situation for you too. For example, my dad knew how fragile my mother was emotionally, and I guess he always made it his #1 priority to take care of her. (I think this is how he loved her for 50 years despite her narcissistic nonsense ... he perceived clearly that she was fragile and needy and treated her as such).  So when he was told his arm had to be amputated because of the cancer, he came over and said YOUR MOTHER is going to need you. I heard that giant sucking sound H. Ross Perot used to talk about ... I was going to get sucked back into too much closeness with my parents and I was terrified. Yet, I knew that Daddy genuinely needed me and I genuinely loved him and didn't want to let him down.

However, when he first said that i just froze. I probably turned white as a sheet. Not because of the awfulness of having his arm taken off (although that was bad enough) but because I felt a "soul amputation" coming on as well. My hubby, bless his heart, stepped up and assured my dad that HE AND I would always be there to take care of them (my parents) and that we would do anything they needed done. What a relief it was. They could be supported but it didn't have to be just me ... and my mom seldom gaslights my husband, I guess she's kind of in awe of him or something.

 I mean, I knew that he was going to be there for me anyway, but in that situation I felt like my parents were using this terrible circumstance to reel me back into their dysfunction. He kept that from happening and was able to love my dad and help him through that terrible time. In fact, a year later he sat up with my dad all night, the night before he died.

IMO, it's not only OK, it's a blessing if someone can be a buffer.

[BonesMS]

I know that your bf sometimes doesn't "get" the interpersonal stuff very well, but ... I found it really helpful when my Dad was sick to put my husband between me and my parents as a buffer. Maybe your bf could play this role in this situation for you too. For example, my dad knew how fragile my mother was emotionally, and I guess he always made it his #1 priority to take care of her. (I think this is how he loved her for 50 years despite her narcissistic nonsense ... he perceived clearly that she was fragile and needy and treated her as such).  So when he was told his arm had to be amputated because of the cancer, he came over and said YOUR MOTHER is going to need you. I heard that giant sucking sound H. Ross Perot used to talk about ... I was going to get sucked back into too much closeness with my parents and I was terrified. Yet, I knew that Daddy genuinely needed me and I genuinely loved him and didn't want to let him down.

However, when he first said that i just froze. I probably turned white as a sheet. Not because of the awfulness of having his arm taken off (although that was bad enough) but because I felt a "soul amputation" coming on as well. My hubby, bless his heart, stepped up and assured my dad that HE AND I would always be there to take care of them (my parents) and that we would do anything they needed done. What a relief it was. They could be supported but it didn't have to be just me ... and my mom seldom gaslights my husband, I guess she's kind of in awe of him or something.

 I mean, I knew that he was going to be there for me anyway, but in that situation I felt like my parents were using this terrible circumstance to reel me back into their dysfunction. He kept that from happening and was able to love my dad and help him through that terrible time. In fact, a year later he sat up with my dad all night, the night before he died.

IMO, it's not only OK, it's a blessing if someone can be a buffer.

Thanks, HoP.  I'm hoping that bf would be willing to go to the memorial service, otherwise, I don't want to go at all.  Given that NDoofus' mother has Alzheimer's and is going on 92 years old, I'm sure that her passing will be in the very near future.  When that occurs, I have a feeling that the arrangements are going to be held at NDoofus' church AGAIN even though NONE of these family members EVER were ANY part of this church other than INVOLUNTARY visits during their respective illnesses when they were too weak to object, just so that NDoofus could LOOK GOOD to EVERYONE she encountered.

Bones

[Hopalong]

Hi Bones,
It may be brutal of me, but my opinion is that since you have intentionally closed the door on that friendship, though it was very civil of you to email condolences, I believe you are under no obligation to attend the funeral or to be part of the congregation.

You were not close to her sister, right? And you are no longer close to her. Even though there has been a death, that does not change the fact that you have moved on in your life, and it is no longer necessary for you to "fill a pew" as her friend.

In truth, you are no longer her friend. Doesn't mean you hate her, have no compassion for grief, or that you've made her an enemy.

She is just no longer occupying a position in your life, so I don't see why you need to go backward and attend.

love,
Hops

[BonesMS]

Hi Bones,
It may be brutal of me, but my opinion is that since you have intentionally closed the door on that friendship, though it was very civil of you to email condolences, I believe you are under no obligation to attend the funeral or to be part of the congregation.

You were not close to her sister, right? And you are no longer close to her. Even though there has been a death, that does not change the fact that you have moved on in your life, and it is no longer necessary for you to "fill a pew" as her friend.

In truth, you are no longer her friend. Doesn't mean you hate her, have no compassion for grief, or that you've made her an enemy.

She is just no longer occupying a position in your life, so I don't see why you need to go backward and attend.

love,
Hops

Thanks, Hops.

It's not being brutal at all.  It's just being real and what you describe is quite accurate.

Bones

[BonesMS]

Talked with bf last night about the memorial service.  He's NOT interested and suggested I go....ALONE!  HELL NO!!!!!!   

I also looked back on the way NDoofus responded when NWomb-Donor died and I was dealing with THAT aftermath TOTALLY ALONE!!!!  While she blathered mindlessly, and fell all over herself, about being my "BEST FRIEND", she was NOWHERE around when I needed emotional support the most.  Now, with the loss of her sister, she has her husband and her remaining sister.  Based on these experiences, I told bf that I have absolutely NO interest in dealing with NDoofus' BS ever again!  Then he changed the subject to groceries....  Makes me wonder where HIS empathy is?   

Bones