Hi, Hello to all. I am trying to change my inner voice right now. My automatic reactions to people and difficult situations.
Hello and welcome, SoSmall...I'm glad you came to join us here. It shows such maturity that you know you have "automatic reactions" in your relationships. Some people who have been so wounded, can't figure out WHAT they are doing when they respond to others. You are ahead of most in that observation.
When someone is treating me wrong - either by words or actions I do not speak. it is almost as if my mouth is sealed shut. I cannot voice my unhappiness. When someone yells at me - I become small. So very small.
This is where you will learn to have boundaries. Sometimes it's ok to be silent and not respond, but other times it is ok and necessary to say "hey, that was mean. please stop that."
When I grew up I had 2 odd parents. My mother didn't want anything to do with me. She would go months on end without talking to me. It was as if I didn't exist.
Yes. This is called "withdrawl of affection" and "dissociation" on your mother's part.
There was no anger - there was just nothing. When I was about 20 she admitted to me she had believed her child (ME) would be and act a certain way. Even look a certain way. I was nothing like that
Generally, from my experience, Narcissists deny how they feel, but I think occasionally they WILL let you know that you don't fit their "mold" of what they "want." In my case, Kay would decide she wanted me to do something or be some way, and then be angry when I tried to do it, or accuse me of trying to get accolades from her. Either way, no matter what you do, you will NEVER please someone who is like your mother.
and after that she only saw me as someone that took away from her free time. I wasn't what she wanted so she didn't want me at all.
Ok, see, once again, in my experience, a narcissist doesn't TRULY want you to be anything other than her exact CLONE, and yet, if you ARE able to clone yourself into her, she RESENTS seeing 'her self, her image" in your actions/looks, etc...and, thus, considers you worthy of being punished for even "trying to be like" her. It's weird; a no-win situation.
"What makes you think I care about the pittily little things that go on in your life?"
How cruel! Yes, they do say crud like that though. They always strive to make you feel like you are BENEATH them and not worthy of their time...or, at least not AS WORTHY as someone else who is currently giving them more narcissistic supply (possibly a favorite sibling, a friend, etc)
My father, for as long as I remember, felt the need to point out everything I did wrong. I was always supposed to know what would make him mad ahead of time and not do it.
Yes, Narcissists expect you to be a "mind-reader" or, as Kay always said "one step ahead of me at all times."
Thing is everything made him mad. I cannot overstate how everything I did was wrong. When I won honors in a highschool jornalism contest in my city, I was told (yelled at for hours) that it was a waste of time b/c I needed to focus on my math skills to get through college.
Yep. Everything you do IS wrong in their brains. It's like this:
Narc: "bring me my coffee cup on that table, since you can't seem to figure out that I'd want coffee, you stupid child, you."
child: "i'm sorry I didn't know you wanted it, mom
Narc: "well, if you weren't so caught up in your own issues, you would have thought of MY needs, now wouldn't you?" (projection...it's actually Narc who isn't thinking of YOUR needs, but, since they can't bear to admit they are selfish, they try to convince YOU that YOU are to blame)
child: (brings coffee to N-mother)
Narc: "what the he** are you doing, you imbusil!???"
child: "I was getting you your coffee, mom."
Narc: "Did I ASK you for coffee??? DID I? Now, get away from me and go wash the dishes, and next time, don't get me ANYTHING unless I say so, do you UNDERSTAND?"
child: "yes ma'am."
I remember about age 5 or so making my mom a card and putting it in the mail box. I was so proud and couldn't wait to hear her go get the mail. All I did was get yelled at b/c I was apparently going to confuse the mail lady with my crayon card.
That's what they do to you. They belittle and criticize everything you do, so that you are never sure where the heck you stand.
Once when I waited for the mail lady to offer her coffee because it was so cold outside, my mom said to me, "Why would you do that? She probably thinks you are so stupid? I bet she dumped that coffee out before she got to the next house."
TOTALLY CRUEL AND FALSELY TEACHING YOU TO BELIEVE THAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK ILL OF YOU JUST BECAUSE NARC DOES
So where am I now? I doubt everything. I doubt every thought I have. Or word to come out my mouth. I hesitate b/c I think it is wrong.
Sos, this is very understandable. You were "programmed" to believe that.
. I don't know if a board about Narc parents is where I need to be. I think so.
I think so, but you follow what your inner voice is telling you. For me, this is Holy Spirit.
The final straw was when I got engaged and my mom belittled me for about 20 minutes over the phone when I told her. She even went as far as to say she didn't really believe he wanted to marry me
That's between him and you.
and told me she wasn't going to go if I had it out of state like I planned.
HER loss, certainly NOT YOURS!
That was her real issue she didn't want to travel. I wanted soooo bad at age 33 STILL to get some love and attention from her.
Please take this kindly from me...people need to stop expecting from dysfunctional folks what they never had in them to give. Expecting a crazy person to act sane is not healthy in itself. Expect dysfunctional people to act nuts. That's all they know how to do.
everything was all about my mom. Didn't matter at all how hurt I was - all that mattered was how my mom felt.
Right...and you don't need to play that "game"
. I refused to reinvite my mom. My father didn't come and my sister just sort of disapearred. I had NO family at my wedding.
Again, please do not take this unkindly. Even if your "sister" "mother" "father" (and I entitle them those dear names VERY LOOSELY) did come to your wedding, you still would have had NO FAMILY there. People who treat you that way are not FAMILY, period. As hard as this is to accept, they NEVER WERE FAMILY...a family doesn't treat you like that.
Are these narc parents? Or just mean parents? Either way I know how they treated me took my voice away? I don;t know how to get it back. How do you practice that? Things like that happen in real time? How can you practice for unknown situations? Thanks so much for reading all this drama - So Small
First of all, this wasn't DRAMA. This was your life as you experienced it. Thank you for trusting us with it. Secondly, YES this happens in real time, a LOT of the time. There are Narcissistic, abusive, neglectful, and even "golden child" homes all over the world, in every culture and practice known to mankind!
How to get your voice back? First, have NO CONTACT with the dysfunctional folks in your life, if possible. Secondly, read encouraging books like, the Bible, The Language of Letting Go, and others that talk about healing childhood wounds. Many people on here can suggest some others. Thirdly, take one second at a time and spend your time finding out who YOU are, apart from ANYTHING those creatures tried to turn you into. Ask yourself what flavors YOU like, what YOU enjoy doing, how YOU think about things in life. You being to learn who YOU are as a person and those evil beings will NEVER steal your SELF from you again! GUARANTEED!
~Laura
