Author Topic: sharing with people as a way of healing  (Read 7104 times)

Life Is Precious

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sharing with people as a way of healing
« on: August 18, 2007, 01:15:27 AM »
Hi everyone,

I'm so glad I found this site. I would have liked to have had this kind of community a long time ago.

I have knwon for several months now that my so-called parents must have been Narcissistic. They were certainly pathologically abusive. I am posting my story here in order to see if it helps me to get some positive feedback from other individuals who have had similar pasts, as well as the courage to face their pasts and the integrity/strength of character to get beyond narcissistic abuse from parents.

Please pardon me for the length of this posting, but I would like to share my childhood history. I would like to receive feedback from anyone who would care to send me any encouragement in my journey.

"N.parents" for me, stands for Narcissistic-Parents and also Non-Parents, because the N.Parent cannot really 'parent' anyone. They can only conscript the yung child's life and resources in the service of their own ego and personal drama. So, they are the least qualified psychologically to be good caregivers.

In my particular case, the N.Parents were very well educated and upper-middle class. They demanded absolute loyalty and a kind of adoration from my older brother, myself and my younger sister. When we were children, they frequently "spoiled" us with material gifts and would tell us how unworthy we were to have them as parents. How they were the 'best parents' anyone could have. They were constantly telling us how they had financially difficult childhoods and how they were sparing us all that misery. And how ungrateful we were for all that.

I used to tell them that it was not MY responsibility that they suffered. I used to tell them: "Is that why you are trying to make us unhappy too?" They hated me for talking back to them. As I grew older, it becmame more and more difficult to live with them and even have a decent conversation with them. My borther used to go around chanting "You are the best paretns in the world".  He was so fearful of them.

When I was 13, I had a full scholarship to an international school (I come from an Asian country - I will leave out details here). The N.Parents were seriously upset by this. I think they realized that I was growing up and living my own life, bit by bit and. This made them feel like I was losing my childhood dependence on them. They took this as a serious attack, aimed deliberately at them. In their warped view, this must have looked like abject ingratitude in the first degree. They were both medical doctors so they were used to everyone kow towing to them.  But, it was not in my character to just give up and become their slave.

The result of this was that they told me I must be mentally derranged. That children who are mentally well do not behave like I did. My siblings and I were by now living in an extremely anxious environment. The N.Parents were extremely unhappy in their marriage. My N.Mother used to complain to my aunt about how her N.Husband never paid any attention to her. They took out their personal fruistrations on us. We became their  scapegoats. They would tell us how life would have been perfect without us. How we were useless, worthless children.


In an effort to control me, when I was 13 , my own N.Parents declared me mentally ill. In the third world country where I was born, children have very few rights. Parents who are doctors often prescribe medicines to their own families and no one bats an eyelid. If a parent gives you enough to eat, they cannot be considered bad parents. It is unthinkable to an Asian mind that paretnal abuse could even occur. So, I was very, very much alone in this situation. From the ages of 13-18, the N-Parents subjected me to psychiatric abuse. They formed me to take psychotropic medications, forced me to see a friend of theirs' who was a psychiatrist, threatened to incarcerate me in this frightening mental institution etc. They got a psychiatrist friend of theirs to give me shock treatment. This happened several times. I was emotionally and socially degraded and reviled for 5 years. During those years, I suffered tremdous stress; developed obsessive complusive disoreder (I was always washing my hands, trying to 'clean' myself up from the horrors of each day); I put on 30 Lbs. of extra wiehgt and chronic eczema, which covered my body like a rash of burn sores.

No one helped me at all. My brother and my sister, no doubt afraid for their own survival, became the N.Parents' best helpers and fans. I think that these N.Parents had no fear of retribution or consequences, so we were in very real danger. I think this is typical of third word countries, where children have very few right at all. NO ONE listens to children who complain of abuse by parents becuase in that culture, it is take for granted that parents are like gods and that they can do no wrong, especially if they are socially and professionally high achieving.

I know now, looking back, that they were also emotionally incestuous. Back then, I had no idea that such a concept even existed, I simply knew that I hated them and and their attitude. My N.Mother viewed my growing up as a serious threat. There was one time when she hid my teenage bras and refused to let me have them. I had to complain to my N.Father until he got very angry with her and told her to give me back my  bras. Can you believe this? When I think back, I reject her for this disgraceful abuse of a young daughter.

In the meantime, they were constantly degrading each other. He was never interested in being her friend or acting like a couple. In this world view, everyone was against him and beneath him, including the N.Mother. He would tell her how she was an inferior doctor and that she was jealous of other women. I think she felt really worthless both intellectually and personally, because in return, she did everything she could to try and get his approval, including throw us into the fire of his anger, just to show him how far she would go to be a great team with him. There was one incident where she took my underwear from the laundry and showed it to him pretending that she had a 'medical concern"! I was absolutely MORTIFIED. That was when I realized that I did not have parents. I was living with emotional Nazis and I had to bide my time until I could legally get away from them.

I honestly cannot think of worst people than these, except for perhaps the mass murderers who occupy the history books. Ironically, I think my N.Father's particular selfish brand of Narcissism is probably why they did not gang up on us to hit us or pyshically/sexually abuse us. Even when they were cruel to us, he was clear that she too was beneath him in the final analysis.  In retrospect, I wonder whether she was really trying to use us as bait in order to have some kind of relationship with him, even if it meant creating the "shared enemy" out of her own kids. I think his self-absorbed N. would not give her the satisfaction of thinking that he was her ally or her equal in anything, including their abuse of us.

When I look back on all this, I think they felt like they were 'acknowledged' when they were cruel. They relished it when all their friends would tell them what a shame it was that their talented daughter was mentally ill. How much they had done for me and how incurable  my 'illness' was. They were the martyrs, and I was the evil child. They were satisfied when it was clear to them how much suffering they had unleashed on me. I think this is another reason that they did not actually physically abuse us. I do not think it was because they had any concept of respect for us or for our lives but rather because they had pretty much spent their anger on psychiatric cruelty.


It was a family from hell. Now, when I look back, I cannot imagine how on earth I came through that except that God Must Be Real.

My freedom from them came suddenly, when at 18, the N.Parents shipped me off to school in England, where my N.Father tried to collaborate with his elder sister, also a doctor in England, to send me to a spychiatrist and get me on medications. Well, guess what? In England, it is not possible to put someone on medication just because you are a petty-dictator in a back in your third world country. The doctor that I saw flatly refused to give me any medications. In fact, he said he was astonished that I had pulled through all that hell. Because my N.Parents were never British Citizens, British law against child abuse cannot affect my Asian N.Parents.

This was almost 20 years ago that I made my great escape, away from N.Parents who degraded me for 5 long years, subjected me to systematic abuse and used their education and social influence to destroy my crediibility and to disable me psychologically and socially - why? Because I DARED to speak up for myself and be an individual. Because I refused to be a clone of their egos.

I have not seen the N.Family for over 10 years and I will not pressure myself to even look at them again. I am glad to give myself that much. I moved to the USA some years ago and I'm doing fine. I've had many confrontation with them in the pasdt and told them exactly what I think of them and now, I just don't want to feel strong negative emotion any more because it can be damaging. And I don't want that for myself.

These days, I often have moments of terrible anguish, the most horrible pain and emotional suffering when I remember that time of torture. I want to stop suffering when I remember things. I hug myself and I tell myself that I did great. I want myself to heal and have fewer moments of anxiety, stress and emotional suffering. There were times in the past when I had major stress episodes, pushed away people who loved me, had serious anger and rage. Time helps to heal eveyrthing . I do know that if you honestly want to let go of the past and disable its power to harm you, then you can do just that. I see a therapist and am considering group therapy, because I think it would be great to share with other people who understand suffering and the task of moving on.

I think my survival and my life are a MIRACLE. I can't take credit for that, because I honestly don't know how anyone can go through all that, but I am just immensely grateful that I am in one piece and that I am still standing. AND that I am not on drugs, or getting into abusive relationships of just destryoing my life. I owe my survival to God and this innate ability I have been given to keep my sense of self, even when my N.Parents were threatening my life. I absolutely believe that God can heal me and give me freedom beyond my highest expectations.


Life Is Precious. And I will NOT let the N.Parents  steal my life or the JOY of my life from me.

So, that's my experience. Thank you all for listening to me. I know this is a lot to tell/share, but I hope that talking to you online will be another positive step in the direction of healing and restoration.

Stormchild

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Re: sharing with people as a way of healing
« Reply #1 on: August 18, 2007, 01:24:06 AM »
Welcome, Life Is Precious!

You are not only strong, but incredibly brave. I'm horrified by the story of your early life and dumbstruck by the miracle of your escape and thriving now.

Wow.

Please keep posting. You'll be welcomed here with enthusiasm! 
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JanetLG

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Re: sharing with people as a way of healing
« Reply #2 on: August 18, 2007, 05:30:47 AM »
I am re-posting my response here, too, Precious,  as I think this thread will become a better place for your thoughts:

Life is Precious,

What you've been through sounds appalling.

You are very strong to have survived that.

You're obviously very intelligent, and have worked out/through a lot already.

The realeasing the anger and hurt, and getting to a stage of acceptance is the rtricky part, IMO, but keep posting here and you can get a lot further forward.

Your family were awful to you, and you didn't deserve that.

I'm so sorry.


Janet

Ami

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Re: sharing with people as a way of healing
« Reply #3 on: August 18, 2007, 07:45:11 AM »
Dear Friend,
 What  a testiment to your strength. I feel such an inspiration that I really can do it,too, when I read your story.
  You are right   .NOW, you need to heal the pain. You are in the right place,in my opinion.,
  My conclusion about my life is the same as yours. I survived b/c of a "miracle".God pulled me up . It was a Divine intervention.
  I hope that you will become a part of  the board and keep posting. You can begin to heal with people who have survived ,also .                                   Love   Ami
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
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towrite

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Re: sharing with people as a way of healing
« Reply #4 on: August 18, 2007, 09:53:43 AM »
Dear Precious - welcome to a place where you can be safe, accepted, and cared about. Please keep posting.

Your childhood was a dangerous place for you or for any child. You escaped the brainwashing. Did your siblings fare as well as you?

Please acknowledge your own courage and ability to survive! You deserve tons of credit for that.

towrite
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Certain Hope

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Re: sharing with people as a way of healing
« Reply #5 on: August 18, 2007, 09:57:47 AM »
Dear Life is Precious,

You are so right... the most precious gift of all is new life, free of all the traps and devices of N.

I'm so sorry for all that you've endured... and so very glad you're here.

Welcome!

With love,
Hope

Gaining Strength

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Re: sharing with people as a way of healing
« Reply #6 on: August 18, 2007, 10:03:26 AM »
Quote
I think my survival and my life are a MIRACLE. I can't take credit for that, because I honestly don't know how anyone can go through all that, but I am just immensely grateful that I am in one piece and that I am still standing. AND that I am not on drugs, or getting into abusive relationships of just destryoing my life. I owe my survival to God and this innate ability I have been given to keep my sense of self, even when my N.Parents were threatening my life. I absolutely believe that God can heal me and give me freedom beyond my highest expectations.

Your post is a powerful story of survival.  Thank you so much for posting.  Your story gives me courage.  I personally identify with every word in the paragraph  quoted above. I am so glad you are here and deeply hope you will register and post often.  I deeply connect to your story.  I see your survival as Miracle and your presence as an act of courage.  I admire you.

Life Is Precious

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Re: sharing with people as a way of healing
« Reply #7 on: August 18, 2007, 02:18:02 PM »
Dear Wonderful Survivers,

Thank you so much for the wonderful letters of encouragement! I was just so happy to receive them. I sat here and I cried reading them. It is such a blessing, such a relief to be acknoweldged and to be told that I am brave to have gotten through that. Thank you so much for your integrity and support!

I am thrilled to be here. Also, it is terrific that I can be an inspiration to others. It is just so satisfying to know that some of you have gained strength and courage by reading my story. This is an incredible bonus for me. I know what suffering is, so if I can give you strength and carry that batton for you for just one lap of the race, just by sharing my story, I am thrilled to do it!

The amazing thing is, that seeing that you are inspired by my story has somehow reflected back on me and now I feel really strong! Can you believe that? What a bonus. I think the gift of being acknowledged really has far reaching effects. I am looking forward to seeing how things evolve for me here. I am looking forward to growing more.

I think this must be an emotionally 'rich' group of people because we have collectively been through so much. Yet, we have dealt with those trials, modified thoese negative elements and used them to serve Life Again! I think that by surviving, we have acquired many tools for appreciating life and relationships, perhaps more than those who have not suffered as we did.

I am repeating myself here, but I just wanted to tell you how Good it is for me to be supported and upheld by people. I am re-reading the letters and letting the messages sink in. I am so happy to have found this group.

 :)



teartracks

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Re: sharing with people as a way of healing
« Reply #8 on: August 19, 2007, 12:02:29 AM »



Dear Life is Precious,

What a terrible experience for you, but how wonderfully you communicated it.  I am amazed again and again at the strength of individuals who come here to tell their stories.  It is truly a miracle that we made it through.  I pray that our combined strength, the telling of our stories and talking through the miseries we suffered will encourage each newcomer who comes to the board.  Thank you for sharing.  I hope you will stay with us.  I think you have so much to contribute.  So glad you are doing well.  I'm fighting back tears...

I hope your brother and sister are well too.

tt

 

Hopalong

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Re: sharing with people as a way of healing
« Reply #9 on: August 19, 2007, 12:57:03 AM »
Dear Life,
Welcome.
We will learn so much from you.

I am so sorry for all you have been through.

Thank heaven they sent you away to school...I guess that tradition was your saving grace.

Hopalong
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Overcomer

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Re: sharing with people as a way of healing
« Reply #10 on: August 19, 2007, 09:46:54 AM »
Hi and welcome.  Some things jumped out at me here.  You were the whistle blower!  That is awesome.  That is what I do.  I no longer accept the game as the status quo-I AM MAD AS HELL AND I AM NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE!  That is my favorite line from any movie.  Also being the scapegoat.  If we dare stand up for ourselves we become the problem who needs to be fixed!  Guess what that is gas lighting and it is garbage.  Keep posting-it is the way to healing.
Kelly

"The Best Way Out is Through........and try laughing at yourself"

axa

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Re: sharing with people as a way of healing
« Reply #11 on: August 19, 2007, 11:41:58 AM »
Life is Precious

I hear your story of the truth of your abuse.

You are a miracle.

Axa

Life Is Precious

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Some tools that I am using to navigate the waves of emotion
« Reply #12 on: August 21, 2007, 03:10:21 PM »
Hi Everyone,

Thanks for the responses. I've been reading through all of them and it is giving me so much confidence over the feelings of feer that are associated with thoese memories- just to have everything acknowledged and out in the open. That is just great.

Today, I would like to share some other things with you. Recently I have been making some substatial steps forward, in terms of processing some of the actual emotion reltated to that era. I realize that those feelings of distress which come like a sudden rushing of the sea water to my feet, these feelings are not inspired or created by my present. So, I wondered why they were coming up at all and I realized that it is because I am now relaxed and, secure and established in my own life, with my own perspective being quite establsihed and supported, such that it is possible to go back and feel the force of the anxiety and even fear of that time without being totally oppressed by it. I can tell you that sometimes these feelings are quite vivid.

So, here is how I am dealing with them.

Everytime I get this rush of emotion, I talk to myself, "My dear, I am very calm, I am at peace, Thank you Jesus so much for my life, for all stages of my life that I walked through. My Life Has Been Gorgeous, so Wonderful in Every Way". You may ask: Why am I doing this?

I am doing it to actively take control of the experience of recalling, because recalling is a precious commodity.
I think recalling is one of the 'forms' in which we relate to ouserlves and to our emotions. I do this NOT by denying anything, but by denying a narrow focus or perspective. I let the feelings be whoever they are, but I won't let the emotion of that time set the perspective on that time. I set the perspective super-lovingly, according to the best of my current viewpoint and wisdom.

After all, negative emotions are only one part of the entire repetoire of feelings, thoughts and knowledge that I have. I mean, I am not doing to define my kitchen in terms of the one jar of jelly that is sitting on the counter, with the jelly all spilled out. You know?

And I am not being fanciful when I speak positively. I do have a Gorgeous Life because every human being is MUCH MORE than the sum total of all the positive and negative things that they have seen in life. A human being is the person who corresponded with difficult situations, set the perspective on that situation, handled the emotions generated by that experience: a human being is also someone who corresponded with positive and loving situations, gained perspective by those loving circumstances, and had the experience of the positive emotions generated by them - AND THEN, navigated through all of these to create a collage, a constantly moving piece of  'art', which is the collaboration between experience and hope, between external situations and internal identity, outer unhealthy OR healthy dynamics and the inner will to live and laugh and be true to youself! All this surely makes for a Gorgeous Life.

I mean, if this were a piece of art, I would buy it and have it in my living room! Can you imagine the conversations we could have about it?

It's like this: If there were a piano and no one in the house knew how to play piano and they were only ever making a horrendous clanging noise on it, does that mean that the piano should think of iteslef as a noise-maker? I don't think so. When the piano is transferred to a new environment, where trained musicans cherish it and play fabulous music on it, the piano will finally know who he/she really is. However, when the piano recalls the past, the piano should not be visualizing itself as a former noise-maker. Just because that was the only way in which those people could relate to it, does not mean that that is the way the piano should relate to itself.

That is why I can say as a matter of fact that My Life Is Just Splendid. So is yours.

And when I remember those times, I show respect to myself as I was in that situation, but also as a person who is beyond just any circimstances. I think when you greet/salute yourself on the basis of you identity and the existence of your life per se, and NOT primarily on the basis of certain finite events and the negative emotion generated by them, it is THEN that you truly show respect to yourself as a person, as an entity. And I show appropriate and fitting respect for myself.

When I say good things to myself, I am calling forth the good things that are at the foundation of life, NOT just periferal specific things/feelings that are tied up to particular events or situations in life. Do you see what I mean? It is short-sighted to view your life only from the perspective of certain events or situations. There are other options. You can respect yourself for having suffered. But then, you congratulate yourslef for being you and for having a great hope and a future!

And you know what? As soon as I do this, I see immediately the immense amount of strength and general goodwill I have and I see that I am up to the task of handling this project. My goal is clear: I have no negative feelings left. When I think of everyone in that past era, I shall have nothing but the most peaceful and positive ideas and conclusions to think of.

^^^^^
FYI, if you recall, I said I had had obsessive compulsive disorder. I 'weaned' myself off of it when I was in school at 18. I kept telling myself that I did not need to do that anymore. That the thigns that I wanted to wash off were already lost in time and that my life was clean simply because it was here and now, in the present. My greatest 'therapy' was the change of environmental conditions and I had it in me to just take the wheel of that car of opportunity and drive with the freedom I had!

^^^^

Anyway, back to my main discussion.  I refuse to get permanently or persistently upset. I certainly have had moments of serious distress, but I am learning to monitor and allow these events, not to fight them off, and to be 'present'  regardless of what I am feeling. It is not being a 'parent', but it is a new role that deserves a new title. It is about being very good to oneself. At these moments, I can say " I certainly am feeling very bad right now and the feelings are like blue and green waves", but "I am also in my living room, looking at the leaves on the trees outside." I focus on the present, and then I just feel whatever I am going to feel.

Later, I try to affirm what I should affirm: that the overview of these things cannot be written in terms of these things. The overview is: how great it is to have a current perspective on things! It is OK to feel upset, feelings of distress from the past. What a time that was! What a narrative! What is the overview of such a life? It is more than just these things, including but beyond them, it is ssomething I know through and through and therefore, I will stand firm on it - It has been a Good Life, hasn't it?  I am still learning from it"

And then I say, "And it is the Right Life, and I am becoming the Right Person here and now ".

You should try it.

The title of this role should be something like Her Majesty the Queen of Frienship and Deep Reconcilliantion or Her Excellency the Ambassdor of Myself in the Country of Memory. It is also a very simple role. It's about being here in the present moment and not trying to argue with yourself or push anything upon yourself. Just being here and now and just relaxing.

Clearly, I get terrible feelings of distress from time to time, but they cannot direct my plans. I may write again in another few days and be very upset. But you know what? That doesn't change the general direction in which one is going. I mean, a violin may wail loudly, profoundly from the front row and make you cry, but it is up to the conductor to steer the direction for the entire orchestra. Right? I must give as much time to my friendly flutes as I do to the dramatic violins.

I remind myself that I have the strength of Christ, which He gives me at the Resurrection. As scripture says, "I can do all things through Christ Who empowers me" and again "For I have the Mind of Chris". "For weeping may endure for a night,", but geuss what ? "Joy Commeth in the morning!" You know? 


My concluding thought is this. No matter how badly anyone has suffered, they are not only going to be a "surviver". No. I think You can go beyond that, go from surviving to living. We are Live-ers, not just survive-ers.

 
I will be back later to write and share more with you. I hope you all have a great day. I am going to give you a few Scriptures here which encapsulate some of these points. I hope that they will really establish your perspective on who you are and give you peace.

"For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power, of love and of a sound mind." II Timothy, 1:7

"Stand fast therefore in the liberty wherewith Christ has set you free and be not entagled in the yoke of bondage." Galatianns, 5:1

"For this day is holy unto our Lord. Neither be ye sorry. For the Joy of the Lord is your strenght." Nehemiah 8:10b.



Life Is Precious

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« Reply #13 on: August 21, 2007, 03:25:34 PM »
I just re-read my posting and wanted to acknowledge that getting to the place where you can be positive is not easy and you do not do it overnight.

Processing the anguish takes is course. And I have immense respect for people who are currently undergoing that particular stage of theri healing. I don't mind if it takes months or years, I am still going to be very positive about them. I don't insist that they take a positive attitude and put pressure on themselves to do everything all at once. One cannot insist that someone else take a positive attitude, especially when they are suffering terribly. But, we can be there for them, to be loving and kind and remind them that even if they do not see it, we see it. We can see that they are going to make it through.

Again, I have so much respect and admiration for people who have taken the time to process all the neative emotion that results from negative experiences. I say my most special prayers for those who are still struggling but looking forward, perhaps struggling with additions or OCD but still looking forward. That is courage.

Even those of use who still suffer in some way or another, no matter how residual or substantial it may be, it is still a victory. I can't help but see it that way. It has to be a winning situation simply because that person's life is just precious and I would do everything I can to promote their healing and well-being.

People who grapple with their feelings are victors. If they keep on going, if they persist, surely they will find themselves in that plance that they had seen instinctively all along - that place of great peace and joy.

Take care until next time.
XO XO

Ami

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Re: sharing with people as a way of healing
« Reply #14 on: August 21, 2007, 04:12:28 PM »
Dear Friend,
   I am in awe of your post. It reminds me of Steve-- who ,also, abounds in wisdom that my "jaw drops"
   What an inspiration your words are. What a blessing to me,dear friend.
   I hope that you will keep writing and sharing                    Love   Ami
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung