Hi Everyone,
Thanks for the responses. I've been reading through all of them and it is giving me so much confidence over the feelings of feer that are associated with thoese memories- just to have everything acknowledged and out in the open. That is just great.
Today, I would like to share some other things with you. Recently I have been making some substatial steps forward, in terms of processing some of the actual emotion reltated to that era. I realize that those feelings of distress which come like a sudden rushing of the sea water to my feet, these feelings are not inspired or created by my present. So, I wondered why they were coming up at all and I realized that it is because I am now relaxed and, secure and established in my own life, with my own perspective being quite establsihed and supported, such that it is possible to go back and feel the force of the anxiety and even fear of that time without being totally oppressed by it. I can tell you that sometimes these feelings are quite vivid.
So, here is how I am dealing with them.
Everytime I get this rush of emotion, I talk to myself, "My dear, I am very calm, I am at peace, Thank you Jesus so much for my life, for all stages of my life that I walked through. My Life Has Been Gorgeous, so Wonderful in Every Way". You may ask: Why am I doing this?
I am doing it to actively take control of the experience of recalling, because recalling is a precious commodity.
I think recalling is one of the 'forms' in which we relate to ouserlves and to our emotions. I do this NOT by denying anything, but by denying a narrow focus or perspective. I let the feelings be whoever they are, but I won't let the emotion of that time set the perspective on that time. I set the perspective super-lovingly, according to the best of my current viewpoint and wisdom.
After all, negative emotions are only one part of the entire repetoire of feelings, thoughts and knowledge that I have. I mean, I am not doing to define my kitchen in terms of the one jar of jelly that is sitting on the counter, with the jelly all spilled out. You know?
And I am not being fanciful when I speak positively. I do have a Gorgeous Life because every human being is MUCH MORE than the sum total of all the positive and negative things that they have seen in life. A human being is the person who corresponded with difficult situations, set the perspective on that situation, handled the emotions generated by that experience: a human being is also someone who corresponded with positive and loving situations, gained perspective by those loving circumstances, and had the experience of the positive emotions generated by them - AND THEN, navigated through all of these to create a collage, a constantly moving piece of 'art', which is the collaboration between experience and hope, between external situations and internal identity, outer unhealthy OR healthy dynamics and the inner will to live and laugh and be true to youself! All this surely makes for a Gorgeous Life.
I mean, if this were a piece of art, I would buy it and have it in my living room! Can you imagine the conversations we could have about it?
It's like this: If there were a piano and no one in the house knew how to play piano and they were only ever making a horrendous clanging noise on it, does that mean that the piano should think of iteslef as a noise-maker? I don't think so. When the piano is transferred to a new environment, where trained musicans cherish it and play fabulous music on it, the piano will finally know who he/she really is. However, when the piano recalls the past, the piano should not be visualizing itself as a former noise-maker. Just because that was the only way in which those people could relate to it, does not mean that that is the way the piano should relate to itself.
That is why I can say as a matter of fact that My Life Is Just Splendid. So is yours.
And when I remember those times, I show respect to myself as I was in that situation, but also as a person who is beyond just any circimstances. I think when you greet/salute yourself on the basis of you identity and the existence of your life per se, and NOT primarily on the basis of certain finite events and the negative emotion generated by them, it is THEN that you truly show respect to yourself as a person, as an entity. And I show appropriate and fitting respect for myself.
When I say good things to myself, I am calling forth the good things that are at the foundation of life, NOT just periferal specific things/feelings that are tied up to particular events or situations in life. Do you see what I mean? It is short-sighted to view your life only from the perspective of certain events or situations. There are other options. You can respect yourself for having suffered. But then, you congratulate yourslef for being you and for having a great hope and a future!
And you know what? As soon as I do this, I see immediately the immense amount of strength and general goodwill I have and I see that I am up to the task of handling this project. My goal is clear: I have no negative feelings left. When I think of everyone in that past era, I shall have nothing but the most peaceful and positive ideas and conclusions to think of.
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FYI, if you recall, I said I had had obsessive compulsive disorder. I 'weaned' myself off of it when I was in school at 18. I kept telling myself that I did not need to do that anymore. That the thigns that I wanted to wash off were already lost in time and that my life was clean simply because it was here and now, in the present. My greatest 'therapy' was the change of environmental conditions and I had it in me to just take the wheel of that car of opportunity and drive with the freedom I had!
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Anyway, back to my main discussion. I refuse to get permanently or persistently upset. I certainly have had moments of serious distress, but I am learning to monitor and allow these events, not to fight them off, and to be 'present' regardless of what I am feeling. It is not being a 'parent', but it is a new role that deserves a new title. It is about being very good to oneself. At these moments, I can say " I certainly am feeling very bad right now and the feelings are like blue and green waves", but "I am also in my living room, looking at the leaves on the trees outside." I focus on the present, and then I just feel whatever I am going to feel.
Later, I try to affirm what I should affirm: that the overview of these things cannot be written in terms of these things. The overview is: how great it is to have a current perspective on things! It is OK to feel upset, feelings of distress from the past. What a time that was! What a narrative! What is the overview of such a life? It is more than just these things, including but beyond them, it is ssomething I know through and through and therefore, I will stand firm on it - It has been a Good Life, hasn't it? I am still learning from it"
And then I say, "And it is the Right Life, and I am becoming the Right Person here and now ".
You should try it.
The title of this role should be something like Her Majesty the Queen of Frienship and Deep Reconcilliantion or Her Excellency the Ambassdor of Myself in the Country of Memory. It is also a very simple role. It's about being here in the present moment and not trying to argue with yourself or push anything upon yourself. Just being here and now and just relaxing.
Clearly, I get terrible feelings of distress from time to time, but they cannot direct my plans. I may write again in another few days and be very upset. But you know what? That doesn't change the general direction in which one is going. I mean, a violin may wail loudly, profoundly from the front row and make you cry, but it is up to the conductor to steer the direction for the entire orchestra. Right? I must give as much time to my friendly flutes as I do to the dramatic violins.
I remind myself that I have the strength of Christ, which He gives me at the Resurrection. As scripture says, "I can do all things through Christ Who empowers me" and again "For I have the Mind of Chris". "For weeping may endure for a night,", but geuss what ? "Joy Commeth in the morning!" You know?
My concluding thought is this. No matter how badly anyone has suffered, they are not only going to be a "surviver". No. I think You can go beyond that, go from surviving to living. We are Live-ers, not just survive-ers.
I will be back later to write and share more with you. I hope you all have a great day. I am going to give you a few Scriptures here which encapsulate some of these points. I hope that they will really establish your perspective on who you are and give you peace.
"For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power, of love and of a sound mind." II Timothy, 1:7
"Stand fast therefore in the liberty wherewith Christ has set you free and be not entagled in the yoke of bondage." Galatianns, 5:1
"For this day is holy unto our Lord. Neither be ye sorry. For the Joy of the Lord is your strenght." Nehemiah 8:10b.
