Hey, beautiful people! Miss you! Advice???

[DivineSunshine]

To All (oldies and newbies!)

I was posting for a while at the beginning of this year.  I was in terrible shape in in need of support and encouragement.  I found so much help and love on this board from all of you!  I had to stop reading and posting due to increased surveillance from an abusive N husband who has been hovering over me for months.  I have recently been able to steal a few moments to read back on some of my posts and I found renewed strength from the advice and encouragement from you guys.  I miss you all so much!!!!

I have been able to do a few things to prepare to leave my abusive situation with my children.  I realize that my husband is a terrible abuser and with his Narcissim I also realize he will never change or discuss anything.  My trying to ask for respect and love for me and the children has only brought out physical abuse, more mental and emotional abuse and increase isolation.  BUT....

I have been able to put money away (not much, but some), I have been able to get a storage unit (to put sentimental things into) and a po box in secret, speak to advocates, even to Patricia Evans herself by phone,  and sneak to see a counselor who is supporting my escape.    I know my rights and I am prepared to use them at a moments notice.  I wait now only to try to put my children in the best situation possible.  As I see it, I only have 14-30 days left (best case).  I am ready to bolt with my 6 children at a moments notice.  My NH is nuts and dangerous enough (I am afraid he has crossed over into sociopathic behavior) that my escape has to be very very precise and planned well so I can keep him away from the kids for as long as possible.

I wondered if anyone had advice.  I may have to go to a shelter for protection, and I am worried about what to expect.  But it will be better than here with this monster in our "home".  I worry about having to take the kids from their home and father.  I worry about doing so during or almost into "the holidays".  I worry about finances.  I worry about everything.  For now, this next week or two, until he spends everything, we finally have some money in the bank. He has used finances as well to keep me down and trapped, I know.  I am talking about  upwards of 10 thousand.  Each day he spends more on himself and it is money he should use to pay others back, but I want to take it all and run.  I think, maybe that isn't fair to him or to others.  Should I just go?   My mind is spinning.

 I am trying to get photos out and important papers.....I am able to get away with it because we have finally put the house we can't afford up for sale and in order to "de-clutter" I convinced him to box up tons things and move them to a storage unit.  What he does not know is that I have one of my own that I am moving stuff to as quickly as possible.  Since I can honestly see him destroying the house and all things in it when I leave to upset me and be vindictive in his rage and then worrying about the consequences later.  It is his pattern.  My leaving will send him over the edge.  He will always blame me and try to make others hate me, including my kids. 

I am totally alone due to his isolation.  I have to do this myself. And I have done it basically alone to this point.  (This board has been my best support ever and I have had to give it up for a while.) I do not even have church to go to.  I have no family contacts any longer either or friends.  This is all due to his narcisstic abuse through the years.  And I won't rely on anyone I know and put them in danger.  My counsellor says he will need to learn the hard way.  Either have police protection to move out or leave while he is gone and go to shelter.  He does not leave  often (he works at home and monitors me 24/7---literally)  and then be prepared to fight for kids.  But with his antics this year, I should not have a problem there.  But I still worry.  Does any of this make sense?  I am trying to hurry! 

I worry too, about computer use, since he might be using some device to monitor me, but is self involved enough he might not check it very often as long as he thinks I am "behaving".  That is what I am doing.  Behaving, which is acting.  I am getting so tired and worn out.  I can now check internet and email on my mobile phone without being monitored but it is tedious and I still have to do it when he is not looking. 

I could go on and on, but I wanted to check in here mostly and say thanks.  This board is a beautiful place!  Thanks to you all! 

If anyone has any advice, I would not mind hearing it.   Seems I need a dose of ya'll right now to hold strong.  I hear I should "take no prisoners" in my fight with him if I can because he won't worry about what is right or fair with me.  I struggle so much with that.  But in my heart I think I know that I have to do this and I hate it.  It isn't me and I feel so exhausted just trying to get out this whole year under these circumstance while trying to raise 6 children and be a good mom and tolerate this huge huge NH, that I don't know if I have the strength for the battle I know is ahead of me.  Help!  You guys are so wise! 


XoXoXoXo!!!!!  Take care all!!!!!

Sunny

[gratitude28]

(((((((((((((((((((Sunny))))))))))))))

A huge congratulations!!!!!! You have been hard at work - and look at how smart you have gotten!!!! I think you are right - you have no choice but to leave.
Do you have any family who might support you? Is there a shelter which would take you on the recomendation of your counselor?
I am so proud of you!!! You have done some clear thinking. I know it is hard, and will be hard. But your kids will be safe and you will be as well. Please check in often and let us know how your situation is progressing.
Love, Beth

[lighter]

If he's physically abusing you..... have you had him arrested yet?

I'll have to go back and read intire post.... not time now but.... the physical is worrisome.... esp when you file and he's telling lies the oppisite of your story.... and no one knows WHO to beleive.

I worry about his monitoring the computer.  Look for a cable bewteen the keyboard and the computer.  If there's an extra cable there, with a little bulge in it.... about 3 inches long, about 1 inch round in diameter... it's a keystroke recorder and it's illegal... a felony.


Please be careful.  I hope you've documented but then he's watching you and I fear that would catch you out.  No way to hide things when someone's watching you 24/7.... oh I know that agony.

And you're caring for children!  AHhhh... so....::sigh::..

::sending you strength and care from the board:::

IF HE TOUCHES ANY OF YOU AGAIN>>>> HAVE HIM ARRESTED AND HELD ACCOUNTABLE!!!

Do not doubt that it is your obligation. 

For you and your children.

[isittoolate]

Good for you, Sunny,

When you leave, what are you taking? The kids of course and you and your clothing, but anything else? Like BIG, like the furnace or the 'fridge.

Take the money. You need it!

You can go to a shelter, with police protection as you leave?--that sounds the safest to me.  On foot or a car? You have to do the 'sneaky' thing.

I packed all of HIS things when he was at work, the steamer trunk, and his suitcases. There was just enough still around for him to not notice, Underwear etc.  took me 6 weeks (I even packed the spare button for his overcoat, that I kept in my sewing box. Iknew where everything was) Then when he was sober (the safe time) I told him to leave.  Mine was a little easier, but I understand the need for sneakiness. I, too, was alone except for the minister at the church who knew and a lawyer who advised me free.

Since he is around so much, that is why I suggest Police Protection.

Stay calm, keep a level head and you will know when the time is right?

Good Luck and Take Care
xx
izzy

[Ami]

Dear Friend,
  I feel that you will have a good outcome ( as far as your "escape"). I so admire you. You have so much courage. Seek Divine Guidance,as I have had so many supernatural  experiences when I was really hurting.
  I am so ,so sorry that you married such a  bad man.I will keep your in my prayers.  Keep writing and sharing. I am so sorry that you have to suffer like this.Life was not meant to be this horrible.I hope that someday soon,it is just a bad memory---in the past                             Love  Ami

[Poppy Seed]

Hello,

Sounds like you have your plan.  Sounds like you know what you have to do.  I hear the aloneness you feel.  Would you feel confident contacting a church outreach program cold?  So many people out ther who are willing to help.  I suppose it is mustering the courage to find them.  Do you have the shelter in mind?  Do they have support systems or counselors in place to guide you through these courageous steps?

My thoughts and strength are with you today. 

Poppyseed

[lighter]

You're going to need every penny of that 10K to protect yourself and fight for your kids. 

If you take it, it's not stealing, it's empowering yourself and you can't steal from yourself. 

Community property.

Sounds like a way to hire a good attorney and get the ball rolling. 

It'll be at least 5K to hire one.... maybe 10K.

You can go and ask for a Temporary Restraining Order yourself.... no need for an attorney to do that.

In fact, they usually slow you down and try to get you to file for divorce under irretrivably broken bc it's less work for them.

You need to file under domestic violence, cruelty and whatever else applies.

Seriously..... go to the police and press charges if he's battered you at all.

Everybody will roll their eyes at you if you say he did and you never did anything about it.... even if they don't actually do it TO your face, they'll be thinking it.

Women are dismissed wholesale in the court system.

You're in danger.... you know it.  Don't expect much help and please reach out to family and Church Members.... tell people so you don't look off balance when all the sudden you start making these accusations when nobody suspected a thing all along.

Reach out.

Riding the tiger's not dangerous.... it's when you try to get off... that it's gets dicey.

Please be safe. 

Please try to get help.... maybe a female advocate attorney that works with women in your position can help more than some others. 

Ask around. 

[Hopalong]

hi (((((((Sunny))))))),
GOOD for you. So good to hear from you again.

On the fly...my advice is that this $10,000 is for taking care of your children.
I understand the ethical dilemma, knowing that he owes money to others,
but children trump creditors.

Please keep us posted and please do exercise all the caution you can.
Especially about computer privacy.

with love,
Hops

[Sela]

Hello Sunny,

This just sucks!  Talk about a control freak!  Violence is the ultimate control tool too eh?

My advice is that when you make your break, make sure in your head, in your words, in everything you say to the shelter people, the police, etc....to be very, very clear that you are certain that this is the end of this co-habitation and that you are doing this to protect your children and yourself.  It's very important to make it clear that your priority is your children's and your own safety and well-being.

Take the money, guilt free.  How much have you been paid to do the work you've done around the house, the chores, the childcare, the N care....over all these years?   Never mind the pain and suffering you've endured being incarcerated in your own home with this "terrible abuser".  Consider it backpay.

I will be keeping you in my prayers from now on.  Please be careful and do make use of the police if you fear for your children or yourself.

You can do this!!

Sela

[reallyME]

Sunny,

I just want to let you know that I've stayed in shelters before when I left my husband several times.  Shelters are not bad places and the children will learn to adapt.  Eventually, once it is determined if your husband is safe enough to be with the children, they will get to see him again.

As for the shelter itself, the people who run them, keep the doors locked for safety.  You might make some friends of others in your situation.  It is a really good step you are taking.  RIght now, in the midst of it all, you can't probably see this, but after you are out of it and you begin to think about what was going on while you were there, you are most likely going to have a clearer picture of things...a new perspective.

Take care of yourself and the children.  Give that husband back to God who loves him way more than any human could.

~Laura

[axa]

Sunny

Save yourself and your children.  God bless you and keep your courage.  I will pray for you and your children,

Axa

[changing]

Hello Sunny-

I am so very sorry that you are in such a sad predicament, but I am glad that you are taking intelligent steps to remedy the situation. I do not have dependent children, but in many respects our situations are similar. I have been away from the board for a few days due to nasty and frightening NH events, and I understand your fears all too well. My NH battered and threatened me and he was the one who took the entire savings accounts and put them in his own name. He continues to try to frighten and coerce me, with the notion of his threats of murder and his possession of guns, and he is now using others to physically threaten me in my own home as well.
I would suggest purchasing a Tracfone cell phone or similar no contract type phone, and a small and inexpensive laptop computer that can both be hidden from your husband, as well as a wireless broadband account (with the bill going to the P.O. Box) and wireless connection card. That way, you can run to the store or school, and use your phone and computer in the car, or in the ladies room, etc. Have a code to send for help set up with a friend, and have specific times of the day to check in. If you do not call, the friend will call and ask for a recipe, etc.- if you cannot be reached, your friend can call for help. You need a lifeline and information conduit that cannot be monitorred. These items may prove essential when you leave as well.
Please gather any resources (ie funds) that you can for yourself and the children. This is your duty and a moral imperative. It would be shameful and tragic if you were to be hurt and your husband have control over your helpless children because he got the upper hand. These resources will assist you in getting the legal expertise and providing physical needs that you wil require as you make your escape. Please be careful- you may be watched.

Love to you and your babies,
Changing

[sun blue]

Wow!  You should be congratulated.  You are doing all the right things and in very difficult situations.  You are indeed a very strong person.

Others here have given you very good advice.  If I could add my two cents, I would suggest a few things as well.

--Before you leave, check out a couple of shelters for abused women.  Most areas have at least one.  They are well versed in your rights and could probably also offer you some other good advice including assistance with legal issues and attorneys.

---On the day you plan to leave, make a very specific plan in terms of time you're leaving, route, everything.

---I know you said you don't have many people in your life.  But if there is ANYONE at all you can trust, let them know and let them help you.  In particular, a pastor or someone from your church could help you.  In a pinch, they could help you to a shelter or even shelter you until you are safe.

---Keep a journal detailing your NH's dangerous and abusive behavior.  It will help your case down the road especially as it relates to child custody and such.  If he is physically abusive, document it so you have proof of these situations.

----Take all your important papers---financial, birth records, SS cards, school records, credit card numbers and passwords, medical records, insurance information, etc.  Be aware of his and yours financial records, bank accounts, etc. 

----Leave when it is least expected, preferably when the situation at home is agreeable and calm.

----Create a false trail.  Call agencies, shelters and other organizations as far away as is feasible for your situation. 

-----Take important phone numbers with you (doctors, schools, friends) as well as medications, credit cards, pay stubs, checkbooks and information about bank accounts and other assets. If possible, take titles, deeds or other property information and tax returns, copies of marriage license, wills, birth certificates and other legal documents,

----Alert school officials about the situation and make sure they know who you authorize to pick up your children.

----Reschedule any appointments that your NH is aware of when you leave.

---Use different stores and change your routine.

You have a lot on your plate and I know must be worried about a lot of things.  The priority should be to keep yourself and your children safe.  There are a lot of organizations to help victims of abuse.  Please check into them BEFORE you plan to leave.  They can help you escape your situation in a safe way.  And, if possible, please try to tell someone you can trust about your situation.  It's important that someone else know about the abuse you've suffered and your plans.

Best of luck to you and please let the board know, if you can, that you are safe.

[Certain Hope]

Sounds like you are very well organized and prepared, Sunshine... and you've received so much wise counsel here!
I'm praying for you and your children... for safety, and for open doors to a new life of peace.
Take good care...

Sincerely,
Carolyn

[DivineSunshine]

thanks so much everyone!  Good to hear from you all! 

I want to just make a few points I omitted earlier...I am carefully "buying" my and my childrens safety with my good behavior ....and sex when necessary(vomit)......

I have taken all bullets out of the house without his knowledge since he ran around in the middle of the night with a rifle he took out of our safe threatening to kill himself because i didnt want sex that night (yeah he is a piece of work)

I know it is my obligation to keep my kids safe and i do and will.....i am just needing moral support to stand my ground AND be as pleasant as possible at the same time for safety and buying time.  (just a little more)  A very bizarre and trying situation indeed-eh?

I have been blogging or recording his antics daily all year very very carefully.  Since I was limited on computer I had to resort to digital recordings lately, but I have unbelievable records of his nism and abuse!  It has not been easy but I have known it was necessary.  I have also let some key people know about what he has been up to regarding a couple of physical incidents this year as well as his suicide attempt/threats.  I have called shelters and a national dv hotline and spoken to a couple of attorneys briefly.  Trying to cover all bases you know.   

Thanks so much you all for encouragement, support, advice, thoughts, ideas, and prayers!!!!   And hugs!

Love you all!

Sunny


PS----this post ended up in the 'Pray the House sells!' thread due to my haste last night to post on my mobile phone.  Had to wait until this morning until I could copy and paste it to the right thread.    Sorry for the confusion to anyone!  I guess I will leave it there too since there are a couple of replies there which I appreciate!  But paste it here now too where it belongs.

Anyway--- just FYI...........