I was quite confused at first as I was reading about references to other's stories, but finally I was able to find my way here and determine what they were talking about. I believe telling my story will be as much for me as for anyone here. Maybe writing it down will make it clearer. I have continually made the same mistakes and believed I was in a cycle, now I realize it was just not recognizing the mistake so that I could either change or accept it.
My father was a career military officer who was not affectionate or emotional. This was compunded by the fact that my mother died when I was five years old. My father was in the Korean was at the time and had to be flown home by Red Cross. My mother had been out at a party (on a date?) with another man. She supposedly got into a fight and walked home. She fell down and hit her head and then died from exposure to the cold. I use to joke and tell everyone she froze to death, I believe this was for the shock effect.
My dad being in the military, we moved every year or so and therefore formed little bonds. We had family that we would visit about once a year, but no real ties. I didn't even know I had a grandfather until I was nine and my dad told me he had died, I thought he was an uncle. So as you can see there never was anyone that was really close. We lived with housekeepers that my dad hired on each move. They seemed to be the dredges he came up with or the invisible society. Thinking about it, who would give up their life to live with four children?
I married at 18, was pregnant, to a guy I met that was in the service. He spoke so warmly about his family that I believe I married that more than him. We moved back east shortly after the marriage, his family was just as unemotional as mine, just intact. I endured five years of cheating before I moved home to my fathere who had finally remarried. I now had two children. I remarried about four years later to another unemotional man who was stable ,but continually told me that he loved me even though I was a hard person to love (this was never explained) Weremained married for 26 years, maybe two to three were good.
I finally divorced after 26 years and became involved with the major N of my life. The other relationships were just appitizers for this one. It was four years of being degraded and abused, which I gladly accepted just so he wouldn't leave me. This has just recently ended and I hate him, but miss him. Doesn't make sense, but none of this really does. I guess I should add ( though you probably have already guessed) both my parents were alcoholics
and I am the perpetual caretaker/codependent. I'm still trying to sort all this out and figure out how to change the important stuff and not sweat the other.
