When Bill posted Dr. G's article on voicelessness,it hit me just what voicelessness was. It was us becoming "little voices". It is much better than being an N (ANY day).There is hope for us.
However, I am ready to "move on" from being voiceless. Being voiceless"helped" me to find God. It "humbled" me to the point where I reached out to God. I am very happy that I got that "low".I would not go back and change how low I got. I am happy that I got low enough to find God. I was very self sufficient. It took me every bit of "humiliation" to find Him b/c I was that hard hearted.
However, now it is time to have a voice--a definite personality---a definite '"me". This is a big "jump"
It is a huge shift from a "little voice". The "little voice's" MAIN concern was that no one be angry at it. The "little voice" had to make sure that she pleased everyone so they would "like" her. The most important thing was being liked and not being rejected. The "little voice" could not cope with disagreement so she had to make everything "nice". It tool a lot of "watchfulness" to make everything 'nice" so she would not have to see the shame that she was running from ALL the time(the shame inside).
She was on the hamster wheel. She was running away from her own shame . That was the main thing that sent her running.
It really was NOT other people she was afraid of . It was how she thought that she was really worthless and had to KEEP trying to play a tape that said,"No, you are not worthless.". She had to ask everyone all the time to keep telling her that she was not worthless. Inside the old tape of worthlessness drove her on and on.
However, she never went inside deep and changed the tape. She just kept trying to "out run "it.
Now, she is going inside and changing the original tape. Her worth is inherent. It is not 'up for grabs".
It is inside her as a building block. It is not up to other people or "objects' to make her feel worthwhile. It is about going in--down deep--in to that shame tape and changing it.
The little voice is there b/c she is making sure that no one will "set off" that shame tape.
Now, is the time to go in as a car mechanic and readjust the shame tape.
I have always been afraid of being confident(since 14). I thought that a sword would come down from the sky and "slice" me if I had the nerve to love and value myself. I feel like I am "wrong" to love myself. I guess that I was brainwashed so well to hate myself. Now, I am away from the NM,but I still am scared to death to have an 'average ' voice or a confident voice.
I feel so "wrong"loving,honoring and esteeming myself.
This is a hard part of the recovery process. I feel like I am commiting a "crime" by loving myself and being confident-----having a strong voice.
I am here, now. That is why I am writing about it. I want to shed the "little voice" and have a balanced voice. I want to have a confident voice.
