Hi CJ. I know how you feel. You are not alone. You have every right to be angry by her manipulation. emotional blackmail, etc.
(maybe I was playing games and expecting some kind of response/argument?).
Or maybe you were crying out for what you need. Having needs is normal and healthy and don't let anyone tell you differently. But in our cases, we must learn not to expect if from N's because they *can't* give it.
What I lhave learned (relatively recently) is that when my mother said repeatedly some of the same things as your mother that she was just *playing me.* What was coming up for me - that I wasn't loved unconditionally -was my
intuition giving me clues. It has taken a long time in my case but I am finally believing in myself and trusting myself.
I seriously doubt if you can ever talk to your mother about how you feel about her ways. She will likely see this as you separating from her - by having your own feelings - and she would see that as a threat and move in more...with her various tactics designed to get you to hate yourself, doubt yourself and bang your head on the wall. These Ns don't care about our happiness even though they lie and say they do. My mother had me fooled for a long time.
Changing what I said to her into something 'against' her, putting words in my mouth.
This is classic. Everything has to do with them. This is not your problem...its hers and is only yours if you make it so. Recently, I've formualated my questions to my Nmom in an almost scientific way to *research* what her response will be. Here is an example:
Nmom: "someone asked me at work today how you were doing and I didn't have a response. sad."
Me: "why were you sad?"
And she couldn't answer. Instead she told me that psychotherapy was not necessary for her (
) and that she's found someone else that doesn't "cost a time" just her "belief and faith."
ALWAYS about her. How I would love to get a reply saying, "because I am interested in how you are doing and a little concerned. Please let me know that you are allright." Aint gonna happen.
CJ, I am with you. The sooner you learn what your mother is up to, the sooner you can separate from
her craziness and heal.
Next stop hospital I'd imagine, because I can't face being there anylonger, and have no friends I can move in with.
There are other options besides the hospital. If we lived closer, I would let you stay with me for awhile. I know what it is like to feel like you have no friends who will help you. Hold your head up high and
know that you have options. I also found that its helpful to write everything down that you are feeling especially if you are living with her at the moment. When I visit my mother and stay with her, I bring a big notebook and several pens because I know that I'll be writing out my anger.
And post here.
