Author Topic: The Shy/ Covert Narcissist  (Read 75137 times)

SilverLining

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Re: The Shy/ Covert Narcissist
« Reply #30 on: February 20, 2008, 12:22:55 PM »
She is still "saving" stuff to give me that I don't want and don't have room for. The "hurt" is implied rejection of the parent, you know and part of the game to keep you "hooked". For me & my mom - not wanting her "stuff" = not wanting her. But, ya know what? I've been saying I don't want it, for a couple of years now...


Hi Phoenix.  Yes they want to give us their "stuff" on several levels and if we don't take it they are hurt.   For the material stuff, maybe learning how to sell Ebay can be therapy... :)
« Last Edit: February 21, 2008, 12:06:53 PM by tjr100 »

SilverLining

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Re: The Shy/ Covert Narcissist
« Reply #31 on: February 22, 2008, 12:31:33 PM »

Cooper observes that this narcissist, secretly harbors fantasies that he or she is engaged in a heroic rescue of someone of lesser capabilities...

Everytime I go back and review this information, more elements of my past become clear.   After the narcissist fails out in the world, then who is left to rescue but vulnerable members of the FOO?  It's much easier to imagine family members as "less beings" than people out in the real world.  If he has to actively work to destroy the family members in order to indulge his heroic fantasy, then that's just the way it is.  Narcissistic supply is far more important than the real needs of other people.

About the time my father was going through a "mid life crisis" and started claiming to be completely unhappy and unfulfilled in his job,  all of a sudden there was a shift in the way he related to the FOO.   Even though I was in my twenties at the time I started getting the "parenting by mail" letters and other infantilizing treatments.  I was kind of bewildered at the time but now it makes sense...  He had no where else to go to feed his fantasy life. :o   



« Last Edit: February 22, 2008, 06:02:35 PM by tjr100 »

Certain Hope

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Re: The Shy/ Covert Narcissist
« Reply #32 on: February 22, 2008, 09:37:29 PM »
Hi Carolyn... this is an interesting thread!

Quote
At this point, I don't care whether or not he feels righteously indignant. Right, I say that... and yet I've never said aloud, "Look dad, I don't read all this stuff and I don't want it, so please don't send it anymore."  Why not just say that?  Because I don't want to hurt him.

My mom & I played this game for years. She is still "saving" stuff to give me that I don't want and don't have room for. The "hurt" is implied rejection of the parent, you know and part of the game to keep you "hooked". For me & my mom - not wanting her "stuff" = not wanting her. But, ya know what? I've been saying I don't want it, for a couple of years now...

and it hasn't hurt her enough to stop it.


Dear Amber,

My mother stopped it... now she just makes sure to let me know that she's given it away to someone else  (who will appreciate it more, no doubt).  :shock:

Dad's the one who continues like the energizer bunny... but I need to just let it go, because he is 87 and I'll feel awful when he's gone if I'm still stuck in this adolescent rut.

Really, I figure that this past 3 years has been like squishing the ages between 13 and 18 into half the time... and so now I'd best be done with it, or else.

Hugs,
Carolyn

Certain Hope

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Re: The Shy/ Covert Narcissist
« Reply #33 on: February 22, 2008, 09:53:34 PM »
If he has to actively work to destroy the family members in order to indulge his heroic fantasy, then that's just the way it is.  Narcissistic supply is far more important than the real needs of other people.

About the time my father was going through a "mid life crisis" and started claiming to be completely unhappy and unfulfilled in his job,  all of a sudden there was a shift in the way he related to the FOO.   Even though I was in my twenties at the time I started getting the "parenting by mail" letters and other infantilizing treatments.  I was kind of bewildered at the time but now it makes sense...  He had no where else to go to feed his fantasy life. :o   



Instant recognition there, tjr... as though he made you his career... you, who were to be his coup d'grace (sp?)

That's what I was supposed to be for my mother, I guess...  when my brother (10 yrs my senior) failed to be moldable.

And it's never clicked with me till I read you here, but "infantalizing treatments" .... yeah, I think I've done some of that myself, at times.
Maybe that's what is really going on with people who come across as "mothering" types, I dunno. There's mothering and then there's interfering and controlling.
But that's all I'd ever seen modeled, and it's what was presented to me by my mother as "the way to be" in order to accomplish anything in this life. Yikes. Will give this more thought... but yeah, I wonder whether we all don't do this to a certain extent... and sometimes think it's a form of intimacy... when in actuality it's nothing but an attempt to control?!  Sheesh... making a human being our "mission" in life is just another way of objectifying him/her.
Thanks!

Carolyn