Coming out of "shock"

[Ami]

Thank you for asking, Hardtotrust,
 I really think that my heart is breaking,at some level(energetic level?)and that is what the weight on my chest is. Yesterday,I had pain rolling over me like a tidal wave and my chest felt crushed.
 I laid in bad and just felt it and "allowed" it in, rather than run from it. After a while, it stopped, and I felt an acceptance and a peace with God. I think that I  will try to handle  the grief  like this, in the future.                                                                                            I think I learned an important lesson about feelings. I had a meditation tape which said that you should 'feel" and embrace your  feelings and then they would change their nature.
 I found this to be true. I am not as afraid of my feelings,now. I feel like whatever feeling comes 'at " me----- pain, rejection, shame ,guilt, worthlessness, fear etc, I can just "embrace" it and eventually,it will 'change  it's nature.
  I learned s/thing very profound. I was running away from shame ,all the time. Shame was a big bogeyman,who had me
dancing on it's chain.
  I don't feel quite so afraid of my feelings,anymore.
 Thanks for being so kind , Hardtotrust.                                                                     Love to you,   Ami

[James]

Hi Ami......I had just joined this board around the time I read the news about your son. I felt so much sadness for you. I went thru a similar experince 10 years ago and in retrospect i see that profound grief/pain can only be digested in pieces....just a little bit at a time. It might not seem like it now but you will feel better one day. A little over a year ago a couple that i'm friends with lost their only child in a motorcycle accident. He had just finished his medical internship. His mother told me that shortly after they recieved the news she got sick at her stomach. She still talks about what happened next and swears it was real. What happened was that she could hear her son's voice talking to her just like he was there. He told her that he didn't have long to talk but to listen and repeat outloud what he was saying so his dad could hear everything  He asked them to lay down on the bed together and to have his dad put his hand on her stomach and by way of this act of love he could heal her nausea. They did exactly what he said and the nausea left. He also told her that he was just fine and to know that the only thing that truly matters is love. I wish you could here her sincerity and conviction when she talks about this. Surround yourself with as much love as possible. It really is what makes the difference while you heal.    James

[Ami]

Thank you James for sharing that. I really, really appreciate it, friend!!                                                  Ami

[hardtotrust]

I laid in bad and just felt it and "allowed" it in, rather than run from it. After a while, it stopped, and I felt an acceptance and a peace with God. I think that I  will try to handle  the grief  like this, in the future.                                                                                            I think I learned an important lesson about feelings. I had a meditation tape which said that you should 'feel" and embrace your  feelings and then they would change their nature.
 I found this to be true. I am not as afraid of my feelings,now. I feel like whatever feeling comes 'at " me----- pain, rejection, shame ,guilt, worthlessness, fear etc, I can just "embrace" it and eventually,it will 'change  it's nature.
  I learned s/thing very profound. I was running away from shame ,all the time. Shame was a big bogeyman,who had me
dancing on it's chain.

You're welcome, Ami!

I also learned to surrender to my deepest pain last year, a similar experience. I noticed this pain (or pains) was something I couldn't handle and to avoid it I ate, I watched TV, I listened to music, I thought fast, I talked fast etc. Everything to run away from it.

I think that the most we avoid some feeling, the more important it is to our cure.

But it still is very difficult for me to stop and feel these things. I only managed to do it a few times. It looks like going crazy. But I'm sure this repressed energy slowly wanes. Your post motivated me to try this experience of "feeling the feelings" more.

Thank you,
Ney

[Ami]

Dear Htt,
 It is amazing how freeing it is to "feel " the feelings, the scarier the more healing. I am not as afraid of feelings in general,now. I was really afraid of shame ,before, and not so much,now.        Love     Ami

[hardtotrust]

Thinking of you, Ami!

((((((((Ami))))))))

[Gaining Strength]

I'm thinking of you too Ami.  Each and every day. Always hoping the pain is lessened.  Always hoping that you are able to grieve and then to live and then back to grieving and so on.  You must do all you can to take care of yourself.  That can really make a difference in "surviving" the grief.  It takes a terrible, terrible toll on your physical body.  If you can - exercise.  Don't forget to each nourishing food.  Don't forget to take vitamens and supplements to help build up your strength.  Don't forget to get enough sleep.  The more you can take care of yourself physically the easier you will be able to handle the pain (which is inevitable.)

With love - GS

[Ami]

(((((((((Amber)))))))))))) It is worth a try for sure, Amber!. Thanks for caring .                     Warmly ,  Ami

[James]

Morning Ami...........i'm sorry you're having to deal with shame too. It really hurts. i've been crushed under a mountain of it......James

[Ami]

Oh James,
 Shame is probably the biggest killer. I asked my counselor if *I* had the "worse" mother she had ever seen. She said that everyone thinks that their pain is the worst and THAT prevents us from sharing it with other hurting people. Shame is the feeling that WE are bad.
 As I do share ,I find that I question that belief more. I question how God could have made "junk" with me,only.
 The way out of shame is to bring it to the light, as we do ,on the board ,and as you are, James.
 If you want, I will go to the Members side and start a "James Story "and you can write under it,so you know where to go. Let me know, James.   In our 'tradition"(lol)-----a hug back to you!!!                          Ami

[James]

Ami...........the offer you just made is one of the nicest things a person has ever offered  me. I'm so touched. Todays not the best of days. I'm sort of a split person. My intellect works fine but when it comes to the emotional side its a struggle. I hope you don't mind me writing under your thread. "coming out of shock" is exactly where I am. I had a lot of abuse but the worst part of it is the sexual stuff. I feel like the only one. Intellectually i know what your therapist said is true but some part of me just doest beileve it. I've got a lot of my memories back recently but sometimes it makes me sick to my stomach. The shame i feel is horrible. Thats what keeps me from writing my story.   thanks for the hug  James

[Ami]

Dear James,
 Please use this thread ,as a place to talk. When they get long, they get a little "hidden", so only people who really care come on(lol).
I will write more later, when I come home.           Love and Peace,    Ami

[hardtotrust]

Thinking of you, Ami!

Hugs!

[Ami]

Thank you, Htt. I am doing better, today!!!                 Love,  Ami

[hardtotrust]

Yesssssssssssssssssss!!!

I am happy for you!!!!