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[Ellie]

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[Anonymous]

Hi Ellie,

I'm glad to hear that you are taking steps with your H to enjoy life after kids and after N exposure.

H says Nmom is trying to make herself feel good, thinking she had done the noble thing by sending a card. But the reality is they absolutely hate us.

You're both right, you know.  She sent you a card so she doesn't have to feel guilty.  Good for you for seeing through all of it.  Peace, Seeker

[Moonflower]

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[flower]

Ellie,

I read what I call my mom's last letter the other day. I had to see what she was up to....not again.....

Into the shredder, woodstove, garbage can is where my mom's card's, letters etc. are going....unopened. I don't need her lies in my life.

[Anonymous]

It is frustrating when N parents who are so raging and hateful won't go away. I often wondered why my mother kept expecting to see me when she seemed so angry with me. My adult life's motto has been: "I wish people would just leave me alone."

My mother is nowhere near as bad as yours but the principle is the same. They appear angry, enraged, hating, but don't go away and leave us alone. They're persistent and relentless.

I have two explanations:

(1) No boundaries. They have to intrude into people's lives.

(2) Splitting. They can act out outrageously, then "forget" they did it and act like nothing happened. They expect us to do the same type of splitting and have amnesia about their behavior.

bunny

[Ellie]

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[Anonymous]

Hi Ellie,

Wow.  How are you even able to breathe with someone like this around?     I often wonder if people like your mom and my NSIL need people simply to send back sound signals to let them know they are alive.  I think that is why they don't let up--it freaks them out when they send out their static and nothing bounces back from the void left by the loved ones they chased away.

The amnesia thing drives me crazy also.  I bumped into my NSIL at a store by accident and was polite to her.  Of course to her this means my door is open again and was all smiles at an event our families attended at the same time (another accident).  Since I had my family along this time, I avoided her.  I asked myself why?  She's being so friendly, etc etc.  And, not to bear a grudge but to protect my kids, I reminded myself of all the really nasty stuff she poured on our heads, of her inability to concern herself with anyone's safety, of her vicious temper.  To look at her in public you just wouldn't be able to believe she was the same person   .  Guess that's pretty typical of people's experience here on the board.  It makes me look like the aloof rejecting type to outsiders.  Oh well.  She torched her bridge with me big time.  

My father also likes to try and "unring the bell".  He will rage and then we are all supposed to be OK with it because he didn't intend to hurt our feelings!  Therefore, we are not supposed to feel.  We're supposed to stay and take it because he needs to rage, get things off his chest.  Then everything's dandy.  

I can also related to your comment about the genepool, Ellie!  I ask my therapist about this all the time.  She chalks it up to brain chemistry but also temperament.  I wonder what a completely N family would look like with no voiceless people in the mix.  Yow.

Sorry, this has all been up at the surface the last couple of weeks.  So had to share on what I hope is a relevant thread.  Yes, we threw out all letters from NSIL during the "war".  My H wouldn't let me read them and they went right into the trash.  Actually felt quite empowering.  

Take care all, Seeker

[Ellie]

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[phoenix]

bye

[Anonymous]

Thanks Phoenix,
Seeker

[ch]

"slit wrists"    HA-HA-HA!!
I'm sorry. i don't mean to laugh about such a thing, but the way you told your story was so heart-wrenching, with that hilarious punch.  

Well, Brava to you Ellie!!  It took you a long while to know what you were dealing with because you are so loving and persistent to keep the family connection.  Its very touching how you tried and tried, but cannot create the happy family with the Nmother still in the picture.

Now its time to get rid of your guilt once and for all, and carry on without her.  
The sweetest revenge is to simply be happy. Be good to yourself and to your true family members, and just enjoy life. You can do it!!!

[Anonymous]

Yes ch,
I can do it, I believe in myself finally. You're right, the slit wrists was a funny - it was something I said all my life and never meant any harm by it.  

I'm getting stronger every day. It helps to have a board like this to vent when thougts come up, but then I express myself, and move on.

For the first time I am really enjoying my life. No more worries over getting the "Perfect" gift for the Nparents who are just going to sneer at whatever they get anyway. No more worries about not being able to please them. No more worries about missing a phone call and getting blasted for not being home when they felt like talking. No more worries about doing things my way and having to hide it from the family.

Life is good now, I smile a lot more, I don't have as many nightmares, and my kids are starting to see a more stable mom in the house. H is happier because I am happier.

This was funny - H and I got motorcycles last weekend, I just started riding and love it! I sent my Nsister pictures -  the mole who will report back anything to the parents that will anger them. Motorcycles were absolutely forbidden  - we couldn't even speak of them! She sends back an email saying they are cool and "Now you can come out and see me for a rally here...". Yeah, right, can't wait to drive across 6 states to see someone who just wants to make me feel bad! I didn't even write back. And it was so expected - nothing about how we are doing, what kind of bikes, are we having fun with them - just - you can come see me now. What a JOKE!

[Ellie]

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[nassim]

Ellie,

When I think of motorcycles, I think freedom. It seems appropriate that you have had your independence day and now have the free wind blowing in your hair.....nice visual anyway!

Nassim

[Ellie]

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