Help for my brother?!

[bigsis]

Hi all,
I'm here on behalf of my brother who I believe has a Nwife. He used to occassionally confide in my mother who passed away a year and a half ago. My dad and I are all he has left. My dad went out there (dad and I are in AZ and he's in FL) Monday because my brother began drinking (and driving) last weekend. He has decided to file for divorce (unknowingly to her) and she will be served either Mon or Tues. They have been married for 14 years and he confided in me that she has been like this their whole marriage. They have 4 children. He doesn't care what she gets as long as he gets costudy of the kids. But this morning he called me saying he doesn't know if he can go through with it....he says he weak. She's NEVER nice to him....always screaming and telling him what he has to do to make her feel good. She moved out of the house (with out the kids...I'm also very concerned about them) and told him not to seek legal advice or try to get a divorce or it will get ugly. She recently told him she cheated on him a few years ago, justified it and laughed when he began to cry.
He just started seeking counseling for which she told him he's basically not getting his money's worth. What can I do to help him? I can't believe he's put up with this for this long. He's an amazingly caring person who acknowledges his own faults. What's really ironic is that he's in the army and was a drill sargeant for a few years.
Also, does anybody have any idea how she might act when she gets served divorce papers next week? How do N's usually act when confronted?
Thanks for any advice.
A caring Sis

[seeker]

Hi Bigsis,

Sounds very similar to my brother's story except that he's still hanging in there.  First, you need to tell your brother to buck up and tell him there are consequences for his decisions.  He is choosing to stay in the bed that his wife made.  I know I don't sound very sympathetic, but I have to tell you that my brother would moan and groan and then not take any action.   He wanted to have his cake and eat it too, that is, he wanted sympathy, wanted us to feel like we had to do something, while he went off to work and left us with the mess.  Like, here, fix this for me while I go focus on making money.  Take her off my hands so I can look helpless and nice.  Then if we had a complaint about her, he was spineless enough to act "dumb" like he didn't know what we were talking about.    I ran out of sympathy.

I don't know if my brother is seeking counseling now that we have stop buying into his act, but I am glad that your brother is.  It will help tremendously.  And tell him to stop putting bullets in his wife's gun (like informing her that he is seeking counseling.) That said, go to www.bpdcentral.com and look up their book about divorcing the borderline spouse.  His wife does sound destructive.

I believe that stepping aside has actually improved my brother's situation (maybe not in his mind) by causing him to take responsibility for his own decisions vs. staying stuck in the victim stance.  

I apologize for sounding impatient.  It is the impatience with my own brother that you are hearing.  I also encourage you to limit your own involvement in all this.  I advise that you can be loving, caring and supportive.  "suggest and leave" as you would with a teenager.  And don't be surprised if the response is "Yes, but".  If he is in the army, he may be used to other people giving the orders.  But this is his life.

Good luck to you and your brother.  Seeker