My Truth

[Meh]

Hi, Ami,

Thank you much for your last comment, your comments do ring true for me, when I see the way you explain things or rephrase the experience of not having love it helps my mind see it from another angle.

I'm still digesting all that you have written to me. I really have to pay attention to the things you wrote and feel them reverberating around inside me for a while...... I'm still processing....

[Meh]

Squirming

Around some people: Some invisible part of me is squirming inside. Kids squirm to get away, wiggle out of the grasp of something they do not want to be grasped by.

As an adult I can just feel INTERNAL SQUIRMMING, But it is not always obvious why.

I'm not a new age person but I am open minded.
I think there is an aura/qi/ki/energy thing that happens between people. I really do believe this is part of what happens.
We get attacked by another person's energy.

So I think Narcissists do something to our energy, the observable energy and the not so observable energy.
A "bad" person's energy can make me feel like I'm in a prison.

I will pick that thought up later...

[Meh]

More Taboo: Suicide

This is more of my stuff here.

Focus, Focus, Focus. My mind is 1,000 words ahead of my typing fingers. I have so much to write about.

I have to put out a disclaimer before I write this:

I'm not going to kill myself, I don't plan to kill myself, I'm not suicidal.

There is a phrase that comes out of me, it is a deep feeling that comes out rarely and it's coming from the bottom of the well.

" I don't want to do this anymore".
This living thing, this life that is what I don't want to do anymore. At least a part of me does not want to do it anymore.

Any person reading this, don't worry, I feel pretty stable, I've never tried to commit suicide, I'm not suicidal.
Yet, I do want to write about it. There is some part of me that has given up and decided to die. My body is here on earth I think but there are parts of me that did commit suicide parts of my psyche, just rolled over and gave up.

I will come back to this thought. There is too much for my mind to process right now

My mind is like a hurricane with all of this debris swirling around. Hey look there is a lazy boy chair flying by, and hey there is fido flying over the telephone pole. Swirling ideas.

Food time... must put that food there into my stomach here... open mouth.. get that nourishment in there.

[Hopalong]

Ah, Helen. Could it be that:

You don't want to do this any more this way...

??

Good on you.

It may feel random but it looks creative and purgative and in a fine, self-respectful way.

You are just no-b.s.

Hops

[Meh]

Yes, Hops, Yes.

[Meh]

I have my moments...even in my depression.

I was dancing to cajun-zydeco music in the shower. What is my body doing?

I'm a saxophone dance.
The ostrich dance.
The sea turtle dance.
The smashed spider dance.
The elephant ears dance.
The I'm a man dance.  (I most definitely am not a man but you know how they dance.)
I'm an igloo dance.

And the music gos: "Aloogaloo".

While I'm dancing, I apologize to someone outloud. I apologize for dancing. I know there is nobody there and I'm talking to myself but the apology is compulsive.

More later. I'm going to go visit my trees in the park.

I'm smiling,  I love my rare moments of being goofy.

If you dance in the shower, remember it's slippery.

[Gabben]

I have my moments...even in my depression.

I was dancing to cajun-zydeco music in the shower. What is my body doing?

I'm a saxophone dance.
The ostrich dance.
The sea turtle dance.
The smashed spider dance.
The elephant ears dance.
The I'm a man dance.  (I most definitely am not a man but you know how they dance.)
I'm an igloo dance.

And the music gos: "Aloogaloo".

While I'm dancing, I apologize to someone outloud. I apologize for dancing. I know there is nobody there and I'm talking to myself but the apology is compulsive.

More later. I'm going to go visit my trees in the park.

I'm smiling,  I love my rare moments of being goofy.

If you dance in the shower, remember it's slippery.

What a precious soul you are. Thanks for giving me a glimpse into your world of life.....

[Meh]

Witness to a mugging.

Too many things in my head.
I'm writing to myself again.

I meant to write about being a witness to a mugging. I live in the city. I don't really feel like writing this because I don't think I can put it down right.

An old man with a cane was mugged by two other younger men, I was the closest person nearby, the old man never made eye contact with me. One of the muggers did make eye contact with me. I did not intervene. I observed myself doing nothing.
I felt guilty that I did not do anything. I felt like I needed to just protect myself. A woman yelled from across the street that she was calling the police, the muggers did not stop at the news of this. The muggers no doubt have been in and out of jail and are not afraid of police and know that by the time the police arrive it's too late.

I have made peace with this I think, about witnessing it and not doing anything, well not really, it sort of bothers me but I know that I can't expect myself to turn into superwoman.

The mugger looked at my face and directly into my eyes. He was looking for something, he was looking for the enlightened witness, he was looking for courage, he was looking to see if I was going to do anything to stop him.

I was there, I did not "leave my body" but I went blank.

I know that every person has realistic limits on their own strength and courage, I found out one of my limits that day.

I felt bad and angry at the situation. Angry that sometimes it really is unsafe just to walk down the side walk in broad daylight.  
Angry by how the world is shaped by bad events and it has power over us.

In my head I related this to how my mother would blank out on me and go "emotionally comatose", well this time I blanked out.

Time has gone by, this was not a recent event, I see that I am not the same as my mom. My mother was never in real danger when she blanked out, she was in danger of her own emotions probably.

The other part of this I got while I was walking through the tree-park was, how do I say this?

Ok, so If I don't do my own processing and then I come to a real life event that evokes pain or fear then all of the things I have not processed up to that point threaten to surface. That a real life event can be even more threatening because of it's power to bring forth our own unprocessed stuff.

If I'm already carring around a lot of fear and then I come upon a fear inducing situation it is fear + fear = too much.

[Meh]

More of my "stuff"

Today I found 4 trees that I have never noticed before, I have walked near that area many times but never went over to these trees. It was only 4 trees together, but man were they BIG. The ancient big ones. So I put my hands on their bark and I looked straight up their trunks and checked out the strange perspective of their branches. A little bird landed on one and started chirping. I love those trees. They are almost in this forgotten area, but the area is out in the open, they just are camouflaged well within the greater landscape so they don't stand out until right up next to them.

It's amazing the things that are right around me that I don't notice.

My body and especially my spine feels more solid today. I guess I WAS spineless.

So that is where the word spineless comes from....I get it.

[Meh]

Out of the corner of my eye I have caught glimpses of my jury duty summons about six times, each time I see it I think "What is that?... Oh yeah." Something is threatening to take me back out into the "real world" again. My dirty-home, sleep-too- much- and cry world now feels more real then the "real world".

I have had to pretend that I was not depressed at work. I could not sit in a meeting and blurt out "I'm depressed".
The depression never effected my work, just me. For a while I wore make up and then stopped because it started to feel like a mask. Phony corporate world. I realized I didn't respect most of the people there so who was I trying to impress?

Of course I do have to be civilized, I just wish my life could find a course into a path where I can be me.

[Meh]

http://www.prayersoftruth.com/Site/Welcome.html

This Link is to the Angry Prayer Project, I thought interesting concept.

[Meh]

I should not go this far..but I will anyways.

Digestive problems are linked with stress. During the stressful points of my job with the Nar-coworker. I started having some digestive problems. I started farting a lot.

Then there is the damage done to my teeth from clenching. Permanent damage.

I also started having skin problems.

Memory problems, the more stressed I am the harder it is for me to think straight and remember things.

I can't 100% contribute these problems to the nar-coworker situation, but I have no doubt that some of this is from being around that person. God! They make us fart, they make us hate ourselves and then we lose are dignity

It is said that most illnesses are caused by stress.

I think the nar-people really do want us to be be dead.

[Meh]

The boogey man is gonna get you!

I'm a fear based person, not in every choice or decision or action but in my mind. I think it has been getting worse.
Ok, I think some of this IS just my innate temperament apart from Narcissists. I also think Nar-exposure has contributed to this.

I can be somewhere at night with a friend or in a park and I am always the most afraid. Some other people behave like they have never seen a bad thing in their whole life. I act like I'm not afraid, I act strong but I am afraid of "bad people".

I'm noticing how the more I write my truth and cry I feel a weakness leaving my body. I still feel back pain and weariness but there is a shift. I don't know maybe the weakness leaving my body is when I remember to take an antidepressant. I've got to pay more attention.

I walked through the park today and I thought about weapons, I thought about how I really should have some super-duper
stun-guns and ninja stars with me. You know those barbarian clubs with spikes on them, I've fantasized about owning one.

I guess I'm afraid of my own shadow.

It makes sense that if one was never protected as a child then there would be a learned feeling of being unsafe.
Feeling unsafe in the world.

[Meh]

When I was walking home today I spontaneously starting thinking about "holding the baby-me".
I think all this stuff on the board is starting to sink in a bit.

[Meh]

to change the subject for just a moment....

If my mother saw what I was writing about her, I think she would laugh. Then she would get mean and then punishing. Then she would throw a tantrum. She would look like a little kid when she did the tantrum.

This I can relate...and much more you wrote but this paints a good picture, when you say laugh you mean that evil sarcastic laugh, correct?

Helen, I throw tantrums...Or feel them in me,but the difference between me and the N mom throwing a tantrum is that they then deny that they threw one. They also do much more damage.

Yeah, it would be a sarcastic laugh, my mother does not outwardly seem evil like somepeople are blatant about it. It's more of a passive thing but she is sarcastic. I know that some kids really have mean, mean, parents. Mine are messed up and unkind but not extremely evil-villan like.
Her sarcastic laughs have this feeling-tone of being intentional, like every thing she is doing is on purpose. My Nar-coworker was an evil-villan type but with that coworker it was a lot of ridicule.

It strikes me how my mother has her own reality in her mind and it is different then what she outwardly expresses. I think she is still punishing me for a minor thing that happened years ago.  Maybe she is punishing me for what happened to her as a kid, eh, who knows.  

Yes, my mother denies a lot including the tantrums. Sometimes she directly denies stuff and sometimes it is just a matter of never talking about it or somehow it gets omitted. It's hard to explain.



Hey, Gabben!   What does it feel like to have a tantrum inside of you? What causes you to have a tantrum?

I think I only have play-tantrums. I only do them when I'm being silly with myself.

My personal immaturity is probably intimacy, I want to run sometimes, I have litterally turned my back and walked away on people- this was an uncontrollable action, there was so much fear, the thought that someone might like me sometimes is horrifying. It messes with my mind, they can't possibly love me because my deep beliefs say otherwise. And oh god I'm in such a state of embarrassment.

Unfortunately when it has happened, I bet the person didn't really understand why I did it, I think they have an idea though, people who are around me do eventually think there is something bad that has gone-on in my life. I do behave rudely in this instance. I'm not perfect either!
I think there is the chance that too many emotions will come rushing to the surface and I will be undone.

I sometimes give people the impression that I don't like them, but it's not true.