My Truth

[Meh]

The interior maybe it is like a jungle, a place where new things grow every day, new species are discovered on a regular basis. A place where the trees are so dense no light gets through and then other places where the light comes though and catches the mist from a waterfall.

My logical mind, my socialized mind tries to put a structure on me, like I am a technical diagram of a car.
I have been trying to look and look at the schematics of me like I'm a machine. Like just take me to the mechanic, get a tune up, a new part, a clean out.

It's not that way, I'm alive not a machine. I'm a mystery. My internal life maybe is an ever changing landscape.


The question that I'm dying to hear the answer to is:

WHAT DO I WANT WITH ALL MY HEART?

I want this question to be answered in the form of a user's manual. A how to guide with all the details clear and filled in.

It's not coming this way.

I'm impatient with myself.. WHAT DO I WANT!!!!
ANSWER ME GOD DAM IT! WHAT DO I WANT!!!

That is what I say to myself "Answer me already...I've been waiting to find out what I want"!!!!

SPIT IT OUT ALREADY


The above is not a good example of me being gentle with myself.

I will have to go talk to my essential self when I get home and am less caffeinated.
See if it can tell me what it wants, tell me what it doesn't want.

My fear is that my essential self does not want anything practical.

Like maybe it wants to go to the North Pole become an honorary elf and work for Santa Claus.

Some part of me really likes that idea, that is what I'm afraid of.

[Meh]

It is said that some part of every person knows exactly what it wants.

Why can't I hear this part of myself.
Is it afraid.
Did it die.
Is it gone.
Where is it.
Come out.
Come out.
Come out.

You are like a cat hiding under a bed!! I'm tired of trying to entice you out.
Come out.
What do you want? What do I want.

Essential self.... talk to me.

Ok, Essential self, you tell me when and where.

Is it a board meeting. No
Is it on the porch..maybe
Is it in some enchanted woods...umm no
Is it in a boat...maybe
Where are we going to meet essential self.

In the desert? Really... ok... whatever

I will meet you there.
 
Is it a pot luck? Should I bring some green grapes? Pomegranates? Franckensense and Myrrh... I'm just kidding.

Wine?

Is this like a ritual or something?

[Ami]

 ((((((Helen))))))My yoga tape says that depression is NOT being with your essential self.                                             Ami

[Meh]

Is my essential self riding a horse around in the desert. She says Yeeeessss!

I think this sounds like my imagination. Some part of me says Noooooo!

What the f*ck.

What do I do with all this metaphorical stuff.
Hey essential self, you know that my bills are not metaphorical right?

When I ask my essential self if she can heal herself. She answers with a loud scream Yeeessss!!!!

Am I too believe this?

[Meh]

((((((Helen))))))My yoga tape says that depression is NOT being with your essential self.                                             Ami

That makes a lot of sense.

Which yoga tape?

[Ami]

My favorite Yoga Teachers are Ana Bret and Ravi Singh. They have Kundalini Yoga tapes which deal with the breath as well as the postures. Also,they talk about how emotions are stuck in the body and ways to release them.
On one of the tapes they had postures for Depression and said this.
   xxxxoooo  Ami

[Meh]

I'm afraid that my essential self believes she is stronger then I really am.

Like my essential self is some sort of kid's Xena warrior princess person.

If I tried to be Xena I would hurt myself.

Ok, no, no maybe essential self is not Xena.

Should I name this essential self.

Essential self. Do you have a name? Do ya? Huh?

I could hear her better if I wasn't in the city, surrounded by rushing, give me, give me, get out of my way, honk, honk, crash.

I'm sorry little essential self. Ok, I will stop calling you little.

Pulling your hair out sweetie....

Ok, essential self... I love you.... I'm sorry that you feel like pulling your hair out.

She is screaming at me.

Ok, can you stop screaming and just maybe articulate it... Nooooooooooo

Ok so my essential self is like a screaming kid. Fair enough. I accept you, your screaming, your demanding ok.

You are not demanding? Ok, fine I take that back, you are not demanding, you are EXPRESSIVE!!!

Essential self jumping up and down...

[Meh]

I'm like a freaking hand-puppet show.

I have these puppet legs and they just run like crazy.

Oh my god, I need to get out of this puppet show. The stage is gonna crash.


I see the stage falling down and the puppets running amuck. Like a Jim Henson set when all the muppets just started going nuts and all came out on the stage together it was like a zoo got free.


Ok immune system up!! Deflect the sneezes.

[Meh]

What if my ego can not provide what my essential self needs?

What if my essential self wants to go live in a pyramid, I mean really you can not have everything you want..
Can you?

I don't know..

Alright essential self, there are things you want to be and do, sooo, Do you know how you are going to pay for these projects?
You don't speak any foreign languages. You don't own a sail boat. You don't have a land rover.

You are going to stow away!! Oh Jesus Christ.

I can't believe this.

My essential self is a wild hobo adventurer. No wonder I cant let it out. It's going to get me killed. 

[Meh]

I don't think I'm strong enough to handle my essential self.

My essential self seems to be in fantasy land, Indiana Jones.
IT would run from tree top to tree top.

I am not super woman. Maybe that is not my essential self or is it? Is it my fantasy world??

Do I keep telling my essential self NO?

It is screaming at me YESSS!!!


I'm sorry, I keep telling you no..
I'm afraid my life is going to fall apart..  if I let you out.

Would that be ok if my life fell apart?

[Meh]

Attn: Essential SELF

WE must go get a job together. You have to be there with me during the interview. We must get a job, it has to be done..
Can you understand why? Do you see that. Essential self please be reasonable, ok don't be reasonable.
This is so frustrating. I will listen to you Essential SELF, but I need you to HELP me. It just isnt going to work if you go BERSERK on me. I know you are in a running wild land galloping faster then the wind. I know, but I'm also here in the real world.
We need to meet somewhere in between you know? You want me to take risks on your behalf, like what?
You want to go be an animator or something for Disney? I don't think that is reasonable. Ok OK I get it you are SICK of what Ego has been doing. I know Ego is sick of itself too. Ego likes you Essential Self. It just is trying to deal with adult stuff, serious stuff.
Ok, well essential self is on a horse running across some sandy place.

Is that essential self or the subconscious?

Can I trust this? What if its nonsense...

Ok, YOU with the horses. Help me out, all the puppets, bubble heads, monsters, spirits, pirates, smurfs and smoofs. I need you all to work together... OK
Like communicate with each other OK?   
Please I'm begging you.
Ego will try to be a good boss, a boss that brings out the best in you, not a tyrant ok?
You talk to Ego boss, and Ego boss will try to listen. We will figure something out OK?
 NO bickering.

Ego will do things that you don't like to do like to do like Tax paper work.
You guys can do other things.

Ok, maybe Ego is just the book keeper.
Ego you are not allowed to control essential self anymore.

[Meh]

Would essential self really sacrifice ME.

IS the reckless wild part of me is that essential self?
YES, it is part of essential self.

My father always told me I had to be practical and boring, and dull. That is not my essential self. There is a battle inside me between the practical and sensible and then the more creative side that is large and broad and doesn't seem to give a rats ass about facts.

I'm censoring myself here.  

My essential self is like an exotic animal, it has a striped tail, and orange ears and very long legs. It crosses it's legs when it sits down.
This essential self is very different and it does not fit in anywhere.

My ego does not know how to make a place for the essential self.


This is not about something eccentric and over the top in the way that a drag queen is. That kind of eccentricty only threatens certain types of people. That is sort of an act or a put on or a getting attention act.

The thing is, I'm afraid that my essential self is scary to other people. That it is too powerful and too different. Because it's not an act, it is really really threatening. I know that if my essential self comes out I will be a target for attack. The question is, can I hold up against the attacks... maybe.

Who would attack me? People who don't "get it" or don't have the courage to have an essential self.

Defensive Mode

Defensive mode is not a good place, it is where Nar-people want me to be.

Ok what if I look at that defensive me... Maybe this part needs to transform. A different type of defense.
I believe this can me done.

Defensive mode explains itself and trys to get people to understand.
People who will never understand... it is a waste of time and energy and it is a weak place.

What part of me is defensive is it ego is it essential self, probably both.

Question to Essential SELF:
How do you propose you should defend yourself?
How do you want to handle this situation?
What do you want me to do with the bills?
Ok, essential self I'm going to give you some tasks and projects, this will be an experiment, I'm going to let you run with them.

[Meh]

Courage

Lets write about this next time

[Meh]

My Essential SELF has so much bouncy energy and I don't know where to dirrect it.
My ego is trying to manage it, maybe my ego just needs to step aside and get out of the way.
My ego is judging everything.
Yay! I think today is a Tai-Chi class day.

Bye!

[Meh]

I need some bouncy friends. I want friends who are not followers.
Creative friends. I'm not comfortable in packs. I like having a circle of friends but not to hide myself in a pack.
That is ok, that is the curse of the Nar-persons life, they have their packs that are hell bent on destruction and fighting an enemy, making an enemy so they have someone to fight. I see it now.

I don't want to be surrounded by people who require me to BE JUST LIKE THEM!!!!!
People who require me to reject parts of myself.

I never did fit in with that energy, and I'm ok with this.


Ok, that is good to know. I'm getting a better picture of the friends I want.