This other doctor adivises to avoide the relationship. You do not exist for the N. You are zero.
In a sense that is true,
we are here for the N's, but here for one reason and that is for them. They are emotionally children,
if you have a child, baby, then do you not exist for them? Well that is how the N's see us, they are acting out the childhood drama of "needing." They are emotional infants acting out what never got fullfilled for them, the need to be seen, heard, deeply loved, valued, wanted and seen as absolutely precious in someone's eyes. They must had had N parents, just like us.
I have spent a great deal of time in my life wanting to be seen, heard, valued, wanted, cared for in tenderness, and loved, deeply as precious. But since these needs did not get fullfilled, as I expected, (sometimes because I JUST failed), then I turned to other ways. Some of those ways were Nish, self destructive and for long periods and still can plague me. But, in the end, what I had to turn to was
blind Hope and facing the losses of those things, the loss of love and all that it contained.
Below is something that I wrote two years ago (on a thread I started titled "Average"), when I was awakening to a deeper level of Nishiness in me...allowing myself to fully experience the loss of love rather than act it out. Am I better today, yes. Can I love more and give more to others in empathy and compassion, yes. It may sound boring but learning to love others has brought more fulfillment to me than seeking to get love.
Me: Two year ago...
As a little baby I needed affirming and that IS what I
got, but what was affirmed was not that I was lovable
and good but rather a deep belief that I was and that
I am bad.
Why, because once I was a little bundle of big needs
and strong emotions; it was all that I could identify
myself with and it was more than my N mom could handle.
In the tenderness of my early childhood my needs were
rejected by the displeasure they caused my mom
therefore confirming the that I must be
bad. Then comes the rage that a little baby feels
when her needs don't get met, a rage that if expressed
causes a stronger reaction of displeasure from my mom.
My rage got pushed down and lately is has been up, my
arms burn and my heart aches, we can't heal what we
can't feel.
Today, as an adult, when I don't get my needs met or
someone squishes me by belittlement, it pushes old
buttons (which I try not to react to) but instead I
stay with the process and feel my old hurt and anger.
I look to see how I am still acting out the drama of
my childhood, the unfulfilled wishes and needs to be
seen, to be heard and to be understood and to be
valued.
As a baby and child I was voiceless and deep inside,
at times, my actions still scream from that place of
my murdered soul....
My nights have been dark, I have been reliving the
earliest years of my life, refelling the terror and
the loneliness I experienced as a baby.
I can't reach out for anything anymore (although I still do), not
relationships, not medications, not conforming,
food, or shopping and I can't act out (even
though I still do) Realistically, I
will be acting out and healing for the rest of my
life.
Today, I have to reach into my little girl, let her
rage and express all that was unexpressed and mourn
her losses all the while silently screaming and
reaching up to God to hear and to hold me. When I
become intense...others run for the hills, it is hard
to accept each other especially when we are in our
pain. The one thing that allows me to get moving on
with my life is compassion. If I don't get it from
others than I give it to myself.
God's love and Mercy can reach into our deepest wounds and
heal us. All of this healing started for me last
Spring when I started looking again at my behaviors
and became willing to let go of some attachments. Some
of our wounds are deeper and different, but the
mourning is the same.
But we all need. We need to be loved, some just more than others.
