Has anyone dealt with a narcicistic relationship?

[Debbie]

I have been with this man for six years, off and on, if I don't do as he says he will kick me out of the home, in his mind he owns everything including me. In swears like a mad man, calling me every flith known to man, he smashes and breaks my belongings. He is always right, I have tried and tried to reason with him but nothing I say or do is right. He will kick me out with no where to go and no money, I am to serve him 100%, he continually wants me to tell him how wonderful he is but in actuality he is a selfish, self centred, manipulating, controlling PIG. He always threatens me with other woman, he is seductive and very charming, his life revolves around his possessions and wants more and more possessions all the time. Everything is huge, the biggest the best, he can't afford a fraction of what he has but keeps borrowing more money, he lives in a Grandiose world not really wanting anything that he wants but insists that family, neighbors, firends all see how successful he is. He will have sex with anyone that is even remotely attractive and will tell me that it is nothing, that it is equanliant to Masturbating, he says he is faithful and devoted, yet can just crawl out of bed with a whore. In his mind the whole world evolves around him. He controls all the money, our home and everything in it belongs to him. He is very suspicious and jealous of whom I may talk to who. When raging he will grab me throw me on the floor, pull my hair, spit on me and when he throws me out of the house, when I try to make a small bag he beocmes even more enraged. In the past six years he has thrown me out of the house over a hundred times, changes locks on the doors, belittles and wants me totally dependent on him. He has told me that he is the King, and we live in his Kingdom, the reason I get thrown out is because I am not a Loyal servant. I am his 4th Wife, in each marriage, he has been with multiple partners while all wives have been faithful and devoted. When there is no one else around, he cries, actually cries, gets on his knees and begs me not to leave him, promises change and promises to get help, he never follows through with anything. He takes Holidays by himself and leaves me at home as I would only wreck his holiday.
As horrible as this man is, he can be wonderful and gentle but only for a short time. He beleives that all his ex's are in Love with him and that woman would be lined up at the driveway to be with him. He dresses like a Cowboy that's the new image as woman love Cowboys and really plays that role. He can go from a very together man to a 6 year old child throwing a tantrum. In our marriage he had me sign papers signing over all our property to him and signing away my dower rights.
I have left him once again, I left with some old furniture as he owns all, he is Arizona right now with the Huge brand new 5th wheel  camper that we bought for holidaying, he is on another Whore Tour, he has his Mother sitting in our home house guarding while he is on his month's vacation. He tries to convince people that I am crazy and that I am possessed by Satan, only he could have put up with me for so long, no one else would have been able to acheive what he has. He treats my kids like they are nothing. I was not even in his Will, yet in his mind, he has given me everything. It is extremely hard to break free from the control and the bondage that this person has over me. My heart is broken, I have cried a million tears, he has no empathy or conscience. Whatever enters his mind, he feels righteous in acting upon it, and each and everytime I am blamed for making him do it. He also is a drinker, but the alcohol is not the cause it only makes it that much easier for his pants to slide off and the abuse can be maybe a little more critical.
As nice as this man can be he is not a nice person. Everything that is important to me he has poisoned nothing is sacred to him.
I am so hurt and in so much pain, I really do miss the nice guy because there really is a nice guy, I am terrified of the other guy, there have been times when I have gotten out in the middle of the night in barefeet and a nightgown so frightened, and we live out on a farm in the country.
He wanted sex all the time but as soon as he was done screwing me, he could actually throw me on the floor like an unwanted whore.
Like I said, I am no longer with him, but the hurt is huge, the whole in my heart and the grieving is a slow process.
It makes it even more difficult when he parades around like a tramp.
He will follow me in my vehicle, phone and leave stupid messages, I don't talk to him.
Is he done with me yet???? Or he is only done until the next woman leaves him or until that blows up in his face??? He still has contact to some degree with all his other wives because he thinks that at any time they would toss out their husbands to be with him.
I am involved with a Narcissist, don't ever get involved with one!!!!!!
I knew all this before I married him - All - and married him anyway, he convinced me to and yet I did it anyway. I am not a kid, I am 51 years old and still did this, BEWARE  of the narcissist, they are unlike anyone I have ever encountered.

[Debbie]

I have been with this man for six years, off and on, if I don't do as he says he will kick me out of the home, in his mind he owns everything including me. In swears like a mad man, calling me every flith known to man, he smashes and breaks my belongings. He is always right, I have tried and tried to reason with him but nothing I say or do is right. He will kick me out with no where to go and no money, I am to serve him 100%, he continually wants me to tell him how wonderful he is but in actuality he is a selfish, self centred, manipulating, controlling PIG. He always threatens me with other woman, he is seductive and very charming, his life revolves around his possessions and wants more and more possessions all the time. Everything is huge, the biggest the best, he can't afford a fraction of what he has but keeps borrowing more money, he lives in a Grandiose world not really wanting anything that he wants but insists that family, neighbors, firends all see how successful he is. He will have sex with anyone that is even remotely attractive and will tell me that it is nothing, that it is equanliant to Masturbating, he says he is faithful and devoted, yet can just crawl out of bed with a whore. In his mind the whole world evolves around him. He controls all the money, our home and everything in it belongs to him. He is very suspicious and jealous of whom I may talk to who. When raging he will grab me throw me on the floor, pull my hair, spit on me and when he throws me out of the house, when I try to make a small bag he beocmes even more enraged. In the past six years he has thrown me out of the house over a hundred times, changes locks on the doors, belittles and wants me totally dependent on him. He has told me that he is the King, and we live in his Kingdom, the reason I get thrown out is because I am not a Loyal servant. I am his 4th Wife, in each marriage, he has been with multiple partners while all wives have been faithful and devoted. When there is no one else around, he cries, actually cries, gets on his knees and begs me not to leave him, promises change and promises to get help, he never follows through with anything. He takes Holidays by himself and leaves me at home as I would only wreck his holiday.
As horrible as this man is, he can be wonderful and gentle but only for a short time. He beleives that all his ex's are in Love with him and that woman would be lined up at the driveway to be with him. He dresses like a Cowboy that's the new image as woman love Cowboys and really plays that role. He can go from a very together man to a 6 year old child throwing a tantrum. In our marriage he had me sign papers signing over all our property to him and signing away my dower rights.
I have left him once again, I left with some old furniture as he owns all, he is Arizona right now with the Huge brand new 5th wheel  camper that we bought for holidaying, he is on another Whore Tour, he has his Mother sitting in our home house guarding while he is on his month's vacation. He tries to convince people that I am crazy and that I am possessed by Satan, only he could have put up with me for so long, no one else would have been able to acheive what he has. He treats my kids like they are nothing. I was not even in his Will, yet in his mind, he has given me everything. It is extremely hard to break free from the control and the bondage that this person has over me. My heart is broken, I have cried a million tears, he has no empathy or conscience. Whatever enters his mind, he feels righteous in acting upon it, and each and everytime I am blamed for making him do it. He also is a drinker, but the alcohol is not the cause it only makes it that much easier for his pants to slide off and the abuse can be maybe a little more critical.
As nice as this man can be he is not a nice person. Everything that is important to me he has poisoned nothing is sacred to him.
I am so hurt and in so much pain, I really do miss the nice guy because there really is a nice guy, I am terrified of the other guy, there have been times when I have gotten out in the middle of the night in barefeet and a nightgown so frightened, and we live out on a farm in the country.
He wanted sex all the time but as soon as he was done screwing me, he could actually throw me on the floor like an unwanted whore.
Like I said, I am no longer with him, but the hurt is huge, the whole in my heart and the grieving is a slow process.
It makes it even more difficult when he parades around like a tramp.
He will follow me in my vehicle, phone and leave stupid messages, I don't talk to him.
Is he done with me yet???? Or he is only done until the next woman leaves him or until that blows up in his face??? He still has contact to some degree with all his other wives because he thinks that at any time they would toss out their husbands to be with him.
I am involved with a Narcissist, don't ever get involved with one!!!!!!
I knew all this before I married him - All - and married him anyway, he convinced me to and yet I did it anyway. I am not a kid, I am 51 years old and still did this, BEWARE  of the narcissist, they are unlike anyone I have ever encountered.

[alc400]

Hi,

  I was married for 6 years to one.  He started out fabulous, as they all do, the "man of my dreams".  We got a divorce after I cleaned him up from drugs...for another woman. Can you tell I am bitter?  So, I proceed into another one, with my divorce money.  I get turned upside down in a business that I worked my butt off in.  I take a break, get my job, have my home, doing fine.  Along comes the present...He now decides after wooing me and I moved 1500 miles away, that he isn't that comfortable.  We go through that, he is ok for 2 days and tonight, well, this morning he is still not home at 3:45 am.  I am heartbroke and lost.  I assume that is a good example of our topic, I am so mad but so hurt. I don't know what to do.....

[blue]

N's do not change
And unless WE CHANGE we will be stuck in the nightmare that never ends
My b/f is an N and N's are all over my family (I believe that this disorder is in the genes as i have too many members in my family to believe otherwise)
N's are metally ill and we need to see them in that light
You are not going to do anything or say anything to change them
I believe that those that stay with them are codependent  (it has been my issue) I am always looking for the love that i could not find at home (cant find love wit two N parents)
My b/f and i have drifted and i have let it happen. I have not "ended" it but i have kept away (I tell him him i am too tired to see him etc I call him so he feels i am in "contact" but we are so far apart emotionally its a joke) we do not live together and never have  I would NEVER want to live with him I cannot imagine what it would be like He likes to "control" me as if we are married or live together Its funny because he really doesn't want that but acts like we do
he has not cheated on me though for a long time he was "chatting" sex crap on the net until i left him (no calls nothing He had no idea where i was)
He has since quit doing it (most of the time anyway) N's lie so i believe nothing he says
They are vampires and they are sick.
We have to ask OURSELVES : WHY ARE WE WITH THEM? Yes they can be sweet and loving :when they want something from us or they think we are leaving them This is not love This is NEED and FEAR.
blue

[Hopalong]

Debbie, ALC, and Rose:
Welcome, and I'm sorry I didn't say it sooner. Glad you're here.
Debbie, the abuse you've endured is appalling...I am so glad the relationship is behind you and hope soon the grieving will be too.
ALC, there is nothing to do except let it go--and get ftf support and help for yourself...a T, a support group, maybe both. I had been a raging codependent for most of my life and at last, after my last Nbf, I am truly confident I'll never believe it again.
Blue, you got it.

I think when the "nice guy" in an N appears, for example, once a month...we need to stop and tell ourselves, it's the REST of the month that is the main reality, and THAT's what I need to base my decisions on.

Anyway, I'm sure I'm preaching to the choir, but welcome again, all...

Hopalong

[reallyME]

Amen blue.  I think I stayed in the relationship with the N, because I like challenge maybe.

[natman]

I am a man that has been in a 8 year marriage witha beautiful, brilliant female N. Red flags didn't appear until about year 2. I now know she is incapable of a mature inter-personal relatiopnship.

First get yourself out. NO CONTACT. They will never give you what you need.
 You mean nothing to an N. Taking the time to heal yourself is the only answer. You will no longer seek out or attract emotional vampires to yourself.

Don't have time today to do a longer post. Go on and have a good life.

[Certain Hope]

Hi natman,

  I'm sorry. It's a rough situation, I know. I only lasted 3 years. I hope you'll be able to come back and get whatever support we can offer here. How long have you known about npd? Do you have children with this woman? Again, I'm very sorry you've had this experience, but glad if you're out and able to practice no contact. I agree, that is the only way.

Hope

[dandylife]

It's all about HEALTHY BOUNDARIES. I know that it's hard to deal with things in the moment. You have to step back. SLOW THINGS WAY DOWN. And assert your boundaries. If someone is yelling at you, you say, "I will respond when you are speaking quietly and respectfully." Obviously if the person is physically abusive, you GET YOURSELF OUT OF THERE. Any situation has a counter-point. If someone is crazymaking, you say, "We can return to discussing this after we've had a chance to calm down." Even narcissists respond to logic. When it is firmly stated as a boundary and you are sounding CERTAIN OF YOURSELF.

Take control. The N in your life is all about control. Shift the ground beneath them by responding in a different way than they are used to. You will have amazing results.

You can always leave the person. Or your other alternative is to become in control of the situation.

An amazing book and resource: Destructive Emotions, edited by Daniel Goleman (author of Emotional Intelligence)

[natman]

Hope:

I moved out of the house 3 weeks ago, but we own a business together, a situation that may last about another 3 weeks before she leaves to go on her own. She already has man she is "in love with" so at least she is not coming to me for her narcisstic supply anymore. But a crazymaker is the only way to describe her. No contact will be the only way to be.

No children. I am in therapy and in 2 different support groups that meet regularily. I scoped her out as narcisstic over the last few months, and settled on her being "Destructive narcisstic pattern."
This is a syndrome being like NPD but less traits and less severe than full NPD.

I am moving on quite well and optimistic about my future.
Thanks for your concern.

natman

[Hopalong]

Hi Nat:
Do you think men move on more briskly and healthily than women do, generally speaking?

I have often wondered what it is that meant it took me several years to accept the reality of what some men I know who've had that painful awakening...mere months.

Got a secret? (It sounds like you're doing a wonderful job of getting intensive support right now, I'm sure that's part of it. Good going.)

Hops

[Certain Hope]

Hi again, Nat,

  It's great to hear your tone of optimism and especially that she will be leaving your business, moving on to other interests.
Painful though it may be initially, it is actually a blessing, I think, when someone with such destructive behavior patterns finds a new "love". At least she hopefully will not be stalking you and trying to make your life miserable. You know, she may return at a later date to try to resume where she left off... your support groups should give you all the preparation you need to ward off that sort of maneuver. I hope you'll keep in touch.

Hope

[natman]

Hi:

I have no idea if men recover faster than women. Women tend to feel deeper and have a different sense of attachment than men do. But in the end perhaps we are not that different.

Being able to intellectually evaluate my wife's condition and see how clearly it fit Destructive Narcisstic Pattern, has made it somewhat easier to move on and see that I would never have the relationship I crave with her. Deep down it still hurts though to be discarded so easily, but remember everyone: Time heals all wounds, esp. if you truly are ready to let go.

Hope, I truly do not believe she will ever come around to contact me again. She is very single-minded and has moved on. Perhaps men with the greater need for sexual validation do come back to drink at the well. She describes me as being her best friend and seems at some level to miss me, but to act upon that feeling would require her to face how she has treated me and all behaviour is projected outward. No introspection allowed.

Her ability to deny what she has felt, said or done is well developed. She once treatened to commit suicide as a tool to manipulate me, and to this day she denies ever having said it.

The general prognosis for someone such as her is that she will never be able to have a normal sense of empathy and develop a somewhat health relationship.

She is no longer my problem. I am looking forwrd and moving on as best I can.

[carissa]

Hello.
I have dealt with a narcissist, but it ended well. She would constantly brag about the money she earned on the side as a hair stylist. She was always stating that she makes at least double the earnings styling people's hair at her home than what she earned at her job. Unfortunately for her, she would brag about the fact that she wasn't declaring any of this income on her tax return (she would only accept cash as payment). So I contacted the Canada Revenue Agency to report her. They are now auditing her & they are auditing her going back about 15 years. She's going to be charged with tax evasion/fraud & the amount of money she's going to have to pay will be in the thousands of dollars. When the trial is completed, then I'll let her know that she got caught because of me.
At least this is one narcissist who's going to think twice about her narcissistic attitudes/behaviours. I'm ecstatic...

[Certain Hope]

Hi Carissa and welcome to the forum 

  If you'd like to share more about your situation, I'm wondering... is this person a family member?

   My brother has shown plenty of evidence of a definite destructive narcissistic pattern and he's been audited many times for finagling on his taxes (he has his own business). I dunno if that ever stopped him from cheating, even though he's received many fines and penalties. Maybe if he'd been sent to jail.... hmm... nope, I doubt it.

Oh, it seems that you would likely get more responses over on main message board if you'd like to talk further.
Best wishes and welcome again!

Hope