Blackie/Whitie

[Ami]

What was Whitie's crime?
She wanted to have her own power .
That makes Whitie a psycho, I guess

Alice Miller is right. You will die to think that your mother loves you.

Whitie almost died but Divine intervention in the form of her friend intervened.
Whitie was slipping in  to the darkness . In the darkness was Mother's love, a family, belonging. Whitie wanted  it. Are  you in the dark, Mother?
 Will I find you if I follow?I would gladly go.

[Ami]

Mother was with Whitie, in bathrooms. When Whitie went in  bathrooms, she could talk to Mother. At Scott's school, for Parents Weekend, Mother was in the bathroom.
 In one bathroom, Whitie started crying. Another mother asked her what was wrong. The answer was not available to Whitie ,other than mothers can cry at rites of passages.
Maybe, Heaven  will be that you finally will be mothered
 




  

[Ami]

 Whitie's Heaven will be that you will finally be mothered. Maybe everyone's Heaven is different but it will be all you want, nothing missing, nothing hurting like on earth where love seems so scanty that you have to slurp it so it won't go away when you aren't looking.

[Ami]

 

Whitie wants to have her own power. This is scary to Whitie cuz it has a BAD, BAD,BAD attached to it. An arm comes down from  the sky with all the scary things Mother said to Whitie. "Who do you think you are; what are you so big about; what do you feel so good about?"
 Whitie wants to cower.

Really and truly, are you BAD if you have a snake like inner part which coldly asseses life for you? Really, is it BAD or just how humans are?
It is like a cash register. It adds up things and gives you a total. Then, you take the info and do what you want .
That is Whitie's BAD.

[Ami]

 Everything Whitie  learned about SELFISH was wrong.
 What about mental illness ? Mother  smirked and raged that Whitie was NEUROTIC.
Whitie was NEUROTIC when she was afraid, dependent, joyful, excited, studied too hard, didn't study enough, dressed up too much, didn't dress up enough, wanted a boyfriend, didn't care if she had one. wanted to be popular, gave up ,wanted independence.
Whitie was doing the NEUROTIC dance;every step  she took.


 

[Ami]

What if Whitie is NOT selfish or NEUROTIC?
What if Whitie is a regular person?
It is mind boggling.

  Whitie  wanted to think her own thoughts :  wanted to  learn to navigate life without Mother?
 When you read Freuds accounts of his patients ,you see how simple human motivations  and needs are behind  weird pathology .
 I remember  a  Freudian  account of a woman who was afraid to drink water. The reason, found after much digging ,was that she saw a dog drink out of a cup  
          

[Portia]

Oh yes....how simple the reasons, how very very hard to see them and accept them and and ....... see them again through new eyes!

I call my inner snake Realism. He (for it is a he) has a cold eye that shows me things that make my other eyes blink (he knows what altruism really is). Sometimes he sees a bit too clearly and I have to go and read philosophy books, or look at my art books, for relief and escape. It works, finding something bigger (and more entertaining) than my self.

[Ami]

Oh yes....how simple the reasons, how very very hard to see them and accept them and and ....... see them again through new eyes!

I call my inner snake Realism. He (for it is a he) has a cold eye that shows me things that make my other eyes blink (he knows what altruism really is). Sometimes he sees a bit too clearly and I have to go and read philosophy books, or look at my art books, for relief and escape. It works, finding something bigger (and more entertaining) than my self.

Yes ,(((Portia))). You understand perfectly. I was safe as long as I had the inner snake. It seems so simple. You MUST have that inner snake part of you become road kill.Do you agree?                            Ami

[Portia]

The snake tells us important things about survival. I guess we learned (were taught) not to listen to our snakes. I wonder if my snake also recognises things which may be helpful to me (like sustenance) and sometimes I don't listen to those things? That may explain why sometimes I get very hungry and don't realise it until I get stomach cramps! Hmm. I do that less these days.

[Ami]

The snake tells us important things about survival. I guess we learned (were taught) not to listen to our snakes. I wonder if my snake also recognises things which may be helpful to me (like sustenance) and sometimes I don't listen to those things? That may explain why sometimes I get very hungry and don't realise it until I get stomach cramps! Hmm. I do that less these days.

I am gonna accept my snake, Portia, and will think of you when I listen to him. Thanks for your posts. They really helped!      Ami

[Ami]

Last night, at 2 AM, Whitie realized something. She is not gonna give her power away to other people cuz they don't deserve it. Your power was meant for you. It is Life 101.
Whitie had her head up her ass the day they were teaching that .
Whitie's mother wanted Whitie with no space in between, like white on rice.
Mother hated Whitie's power. Whitie had to learn quickly  that her power brought BAD things from Mother, scary things. Mother had scary things tucked inside that Whitie did not want to touch with a ten foot pole.

Whitie was an innocent kid. Times were different. Whitie  prayed that Mother would not go over the edge . Whitie sure as Hell did not want to push her there.
 Hence, Whitie gave up her power some where along the line and you have the Whitie of today : impotent, simpering, a big nice smile, can't respect herself,   no gonads.
Yes, we could hate  Whitie, badly, if we let ourselves.

[Ami]

Who can respect a wimp?
Whitie took on  NICE like a badge.
No one is NICE in a one dimensional white bread way.
NICE is surrender, don't hurt me, I am weak, weak, don't hurt weak people.
That is Whitie. It is what it is.

[Ami]

Perhaps, Whitie can think in her own best interest.  Everyone else is on a path of self survival but you get a freak like Whitie who is going on the Autobahn in the wrong direction. People protect their primal nature cuz that is existence in the jungle we call life. Whtiie was de-clawed by Mother for Mother's own purposes so Whitie's foundation was built on crumbly rock.
It couldn't work cuz it wasn't REAL.

Crumbly rock was giving  up your basic, primal nature for Mother.  If you want it back, you are  BAD.
BAD is mentally ill, sociopathic,  pathologically selfish, criminally sick, cold and hard,  evil, you can't even look, things lurking behind doors,  in  darkness, nameless. They are gonna get you, get you,get you.   Whitie wants to be GOOD, GOOD, GOOD.

Is she all that Mother said?  That is her hard question. What if...? What if Whiitie really is a sociopath? Whitie almost would rather find out than keep running with the simpering smile on her face. Maybe ,BAD would be better than this .
 I hate Whitie just enough to find out.
Maybe, it is time for Whitie to  be killed?

[Ami]

Whitie should have fought back rather than sell out.She should have fought for her life against them :her H, F, M, in laws.
She became the BAD for all of them.
She hates them so much.
She hates herself worse, the wimp, wanting to belong, part of something,matter ,matter ,matter.
I think Whitie and her BAD are gonna go on the funeral pyre, soon.

[Ami]

Yes, when Whitie is gone, life will be different. Whitie was born to carry the BAD. So, when the BAD goes, Whitie will ,too.

 My cousin married a girl, Sherrie Ann. She walked like she  owned the place, had opinions and didn't ask you  before she gave them.
 Sherrie Ann knew that she belonged on this earth.
 Sherrie was gorgeous, naturally, one of those wonders , just because.
 They were divorced  and he married a more compliant version of Sherrie, not so blond or so "all that".
 Why am I thinking of Sherrie Ann right now?
 She may have her flaws but she was better than Whitie.