does my shirt

[Redhead Erin]

(((Seasons)))

Wow!  What a weird and inappropriate thing to do t somebody.

I will tell you, I have had a lot of those moments where I am absolutely speechless from shock and sometimes even pain.  For some reason, some people think it is OK to hurt dancers as we walk by.  It took quite a few times of being pinched, spanked, and grabbed before I grew some nerve and learned to say, "Don't do that to me.  It is not acceptable." 

So don't feel bad about not knowing how to respond to your cousin's outlandish behavior.  I bet very few people would have had a rational, appropriate response to being assaulted like that out of the blue.   But by now I bet you have given this so much thought you now have about 17 possible responses the next time someone touches you inappropriately. So next time, you will definitely be prepared. 

I have found out that once you confront a bully, they tend to back down (how I wish I had known this in grade school!) and the more prepared you feel to handle bully attacks, the less frequently it seems to happen. 

Good luck.  Let us know how it goes if you decide to confront her.

[seasons]

(((Seasons)))

Wow!  What a weird and inappropriate thing to do t somebody.

I will tell you, I have had a lot of those moments where I am absolutely speechless from shock and sometimes even pain.  For some reason, some people think it is OK to hurt dancers as we walk by.  It took quite a few times of being pinched, spanked, and grabbed before I grew some nerve and learned to say, "Don't do that to me.  It is not acceptable." 

So don't feel bad about not knowing how to respond to your cousin's outlandish behavior.  I bet very few people would have had a rational, appropriate response to being assaulted like that out of the blue.   But by now I bet you have given this so much thought you now have about 17 possible responses the next time someone touches you inappropriately. So next time, you will definitely be prepared. 

I have found out that once you confront a bully, they tend to back down (how I wish I had known this in grade school!) and the more prepared you feel to handle bully attacks, the less frequently it seems to happen. 

Good luck.  Let us know how it goes if you decide to confront her.

Hi Erin!

            That was such a supportive post, thank you so much. I was grinning when I read "17 possible responses the next time", yet I have played many through my head. You've been there and you know. (sorry)

          It is so nice to hear others have been bullied and have learned to deal with them accordingly in the future. Yes, I will be prepared.

 Thank you for sharing your kind thoughts and wisdom.       warmly, seasons

[seasons]

I received this email today. I asked my N sister if she knew why our cousin Ruth came over and pinched me. I told her I don't remember exactly why? I told her it hurt, and was unacceptable.

Not suprising at ALL she ignores my QUESTION and HURT. It was kind of a test too, I admit I didn't expect anything from her. Wanted to see if she would suprise me.

Hi seasons,

I read my emails while I am on break at work . Hello !

Ruth called me to email her my eating schedule and I sent it to her last night.  (N sister has lost weight after seeing a dietition for pre diabetes, but no one can know the real reason)

She emailed me this morning that she is going to do it.

I know she is struggling with the change. I feel bad considering she had all that work done. I am still in shock that she is so upset with Ann. We are so lucky seasons that Mom AND Dad loved us so much.
                            Our cousin is going though menopause. I also asked her what age she started and our mother of course she did not answer my question.Ann felt Blanche did not love her and Ruthy feels Guy didn't love her. Ann is Ruth's sister. Ruth is the pincher her older sister Ann was not there.
Looks like it is a lifetime of sadness.

Well Mom and Dad had six kids and boy we all know how much we were loved from both.

Did you see me take my glasses off at Ruth;s when I was on the couch. I can't find thema nd Ruth can't either.

Help, ther prescription.  NO I don't have her glasses.

At first I was mad that Ruth was so angry at the cousin's get together . I wanted to talk about hair. !   She means HER hair. lol
But hopefully she feels better.  How about me? Thanks for asking. LOL again.

Next stop - Deb's and lots of laughs !!!!! See N sister doesn't acknowledge what happened. Already expecting me to go to the next cousins party.
Bye

I have come so far. I would of been furious and hurt by this email. I feel nothing, except laughing at her.
So predictable, boring, selfish person.

I feel so free. She will get no response.            seasons

[Sealynx]

Seasons,
It sounds like your extended family is one big culture of self-absorption. That email was so trivial I had trouble even reading it through. Don't expect any help from this crew. The pincher could have driven a tank into the room and blown you away and all anyone would have done is shake their heads and say...menopause is awful isn't it?

I don't even think this woman cares about the cousin's menopause. The discussion is more a kind of mystical chant to keep her own thoughts of menopause at bay.

Stick to your friends for support! The family we make as sane adults is almost always better than anything that touches an N.
S

[Gabben]

What she did is totally inappropriate. I'm sorry this happened to you.

Ales, I really appreciate you taking the time to respond and acknowledge that this is inappropriate. (thank you)

Has anything hurtful or insulting happened in the past that indicated to others/family present that you will be non-responsive?  Thats the only thing that I can think of that might make you a "target".  Either way, again, its totally wrong.

Great question. My N sisters definitely show a much stronger presence than myself. They may see me as the weaker out of us.
Would they speak up, "YES."
Would seasons? Probably not.
I tend to go towards the gentler people in the group. Keep away from being an audience to my N's.
This cousin I am speaking of, we aren't close. She did ask me to promise I would go to her get together when she had one. I did promise and kept it.
I don't think I'm cool enough for her compared to my siblings.
She usually ignores me, then at the end of an event says how sorry she was she didn't get a chance to talk to me.

Weird thing is in the past when I have spoken up for myself I never get it right. I always come out looking like I am the bad guy. Or just don't have the right words to express myself in the right context. Guess I get nervous and I sound like I don't know what I'm talking about.
All these insecurities I think stop me in my tracks.

Could I call her and tell her how I feel. Right now, it feels like jumping off a cliff. So expossing.
Gosh, I could do so much better for myself. Bit embarrassed admitting to being a wimp.

Just one incident can bring up so much, triggers past hurts etc.                     seasons

One thing that I have always sensed about you is your kindness and gentle nature in way of actually really caring about others, really. I think that perhaps your cousin takes advantage of that kindness that you have? Perhaps?

I am beginning to see the goodness of my own self, that stuff that the N's don't want us to know or really see about ourselves, you know what I mean? The way that your N sister keeps you in the gaslighting place or arena of projecting her negative motives onto you, then we spend so much of our energy staring at what they may need/want or how we can keep the peace...etc.. Because ultimately, what people like you and I want is peace, friendship, love, fun, camaraderie, correct? We want our consciouses to be clean so that we can be at peace, when the N's come around they push their mud onto us, making us feel like the dirty ones. Not that we are not without imperfections, but just what is OUR stuff and what is theirs, the N's don't really spend their time wondering this, they just dump and move on to the next target.

We never really want the drama, the pain, so much so that we will sell ourselves out just to keep the peace and make friends with people that no one could ever really get that close with in the first place.

Setting limits with the N's, allowing ourselves to have boundaries and finding the balance of respecting ourselves enough to not be stepped on, yet staying out of aggression with the N's is a challenge.

[Gabben]

I think the ones that pull in get bullied and the ones that rage out do the bullying.
I chose the gentler road, too. As such, I was bullied and abused by the bully types .

yeah...this makes sense. I pull in, therefore, I get bullied while the bully claims to be the one getting bullied.

[Ami]

I think the ones that pull in get bullied and the ones that rage out do the bullying.
I chose the gentler road, too. As such, I was bullied and abused by the bully types .

yeah...this makes sense. I pull in, therefore, I get bullied while the bully claims to be the one getting bullied.

Oh Yeah

[seasons]

Sealynx,

It sounds like your extended family is one big culture of self-absorption.

Yes, that's why they love my N sister. They all get off on each other, who's the prettiest, the skinniest, the smartest, bigger house, best vacation..it never ends.
And the two that are not like this just sit there with a smile and are so happy for them. It's quite bizarre to witness. Like zombies applauding them.

That email was so trivial I had trouble even reading it through.

These emails are quite common from her, always rushed and never addresses my questions, like an N.  My sister was probably eating her lunch and painting her nails while trying to type.
Everyone else would receive a very professional polished email. To keep up her image of perfection.

Stick to your friends for support! The family we make as sane adults is almost always better than anything that touches an N.

Ditto!   seasons

Because ultimately, what people like you and I want is peace, friendship, love, fun, camaraderie, correct? We want our consciouses to be clean so that we can be at peace, when the N's come around they push their mud onto us, making us feel like the dirty ones. Not that we are not without imperfections, but just what is OUR stuff and what is theirs, the N's don't really spend their time wondering this, they just dump and move on to the next target.

Lise,

Yes, you spoke through my heart also.

Some thoughts with myself and my faith.
 I have spent decades filled with such shame for my feelings. Being separated from God as I must of been such a dissapointment that I couldn't take it. Turn the other cheek........haunted me. Because I tried that for years, over and over again and it didn't work.
Trying to be more patient, kinder, softer, attentive etc. It was never enough to keep them from ripping my heart out.

Finally I know God loves me, with all my imperfections, he knows my heart better than I. He knows how much love, joy, and support I wanted to share with my siblings.
This sickness I cannot heal. I hand it over to our loving Father. Which has brought me peace on my road to recovery.
It is pitiful to think of all they are missing out on. All the people that run away. All the attention, love, compassion, joy from real relationships they would of received if they were not narcissistic.
It is tragic for so many that this sickness is not treatable.
After much reflection, rather it's being bullied, abused, n supplier I need to let go of their stuff and start being more vigilant and stop being a victim.

I really am rambling here.  Much appreciation seasons

[teartracks]

Hi seasons,

Does your shirt advertise 'target'.  Don't know.   I wish it were easier to figure out outrageous behaviors of others.  

I can tell you a story that is a little bizarre, darkly amusing, and which may contain a little mystical retribution.

I grew up in a farming community.  In our community, there lived a girl a few years older than me who had the bedeviling habit of getting in close proximity of the unwary and pinching their ear.  I don't know how she chose her targets, but she targeted me once.  Just like the pinch you received from your cousin, it was excruciatingly painful.  And just like you, I did nothing.  I did nothing for several reasons.  1) She was older and more powerful than I.  2)  I was taken by surprise.  3)  I was fearful of everyone and had already adopted the belief that EVERYONE had power over me.  I purposed never to get close enough for a replay of the ear pinching.  I was perpetually on the run from people, all people for I was sure they would would harm me.  Home provided very limited sanctuary.  Of course, the ear pinching ordeal drove the point home.  I never forgot it. 

Years later on a return visit to the community where we'd grown up and where she remained throughout her life I was told that she was dead.   It was an early death.  Of course, I asked, what happened, thinking that a catastrophic disease had overtaken her.  Well, something catastrophic HAD happened, but it wasn't a disease.  Lo and behold, she had been tending the hogs on her farm.  The hogs attacked her and killed her.  I've wondered from time to time if she'd been pinching their ears!  True story.

tt

[HeartofPilgrimage]

Maybe she was trying to make silk purses (out of sow's ears) ... sorry, the urge to say that was truly irresistible.

[Hopalong]

I may have told this on another thread but I can't remember, think it timed out on me...

A friend of mine in her earlier 60s, elegant and dignified and lovely, went home to
see her Nmother in Texas a couple years ago. Her Nmother never, natch, felt any
sense that my friend's body belonged to my friend (and was always on her about
weight).

So my friend goes to the door, her mother answers it, looks at her and yanks up her blouse,
staring at her body, to comment on her weight.

My friend, too (after years climbing a corporate ladder before many women did), was
paralysed.

The shock of that level of entitlement can freeze anybody...

love
Hops

[bearwithme]

Seasons:

I think we are twins or soul to soul identical persons.  I felt every inch of that story and would have done the exact same thing, before, during and after.  My God.  I'm so sorry.  I need to learn assertiveness as well.  But my arm was bruised just reading about your cousin doing that to you.  I felt hurt for you and cried.   I feel weird saying that but it's true.  It's like I feel it happened to me instead.  I got to thinking that it really did happen to me at one time or another in my life.  No, I take that back.  It's happened to me so many times that when I think about it, I get so angry and hurt all over again.  I was raised by an angry, raging Nmom that lived her life for herself.  She verbally abused me to the point that I wanted to die.  I'm grown now and after much therapy, I am on the road to reading and learning about Narcissism in parents and the children left in it's wake.  Your story is one that I thrive on hearing because it validates my life--that I'm not alone on this planet.

(((((Seasons)))))  We need to get together and learn about assertiveness.  I want it so badly to come easy for me but it doesn't.

Bear

[seasons]

I received this email yesterday. Sadly I saw her name and thought it was an apology, big mistake an email forwared to all the girls. I didn't ask about her hair, I think it must of been said before I arrived.
Please get over yourself.

Notice she says "we got talking", LIER, she yelled, swore and cried the whole day and came after me. Now we act like we are 16 and had a beauty sleepover? WTH?


Sounds like another N to me. I'm sick because they are sick and now we act like the elephant in the room isn't there. I see it clear as day.

I can't believe how many N's or Bullies I know!     

Hello My Darlings!!
 
Trish and Jeannie had mentioned something about the shine in my hair...We got talking so much about other things I forgot to share them with you....These products are expensive, but I can't justify using "cheap" product in my hair..
 
Shampoo = (Bumble and bumble) Bb Curl Conscious Smoothing Shampoo (It's also for straight hair)  Around 20 bucks
Conditioner = (Bumble and bumble) Bb Curl Conscious Smoothing Conditioner (Also for straight hair) Around 22 bucks
 
 
After I shampoo and condition....While my hair is still wet I first add in Moroccan oil (same amt of $$..20) BUT you only need a dimes worth!!...If you use too much you are going to look like "Mo" on The Three Stoogies!!
Still wet, I spray a "Root Lifter" (Just) on the crown of my head...It's called "Pureology" (Again around 20 bucks) Again just a smidgen of spray....After I dry and style my hair and I have it "just the way I want it" (kidding)  I then take a VERY SMALL AMOUNT  of "Goldwell Brilliance Jewel Shimmer"  The consistency is like a paste and I only put a dimes worth on my fingertips and if I'm wearing my hair curly I wrap the strands around my index finger forming my own soft curl... just to the top of my head..I don't bother with the bottom.  The Pureology gives a "lift" to the crown of my head ( So it doesn't fall flat by the end of the day) and the rest of the products give a tremendous healthy shine.  The shampoo and conditioner is sold at Aria's in Saus...These products control your hair so well I rarely use hairspray...And believe me I was the Queen of hairspray...you just don't need them with these products...."Not" using the hairspray allows your color to shine through giving your hair a healthier glow) "Could I not do a commercial or what??"
 
The rest of the products I buy at Aria's in Dan where I get my hair cut and colored...Michael does my cut and Vinnie does my color...2 Italian guys that know there stuff!!!  Oh Dan does not carry Bb..You can only found it at the Blank Mall in Saus!
 
Hope it helps!
Love and hugs....ME!
 
By the way no credit to me...My 20yr old peeps (clients) work in hair salons, they introduced me to these products!
 

I thought I would share because I think it is so Nish.

 I Never asked for the help. Notice how the "ME", speaks volumes to anyone who is a victim of an N=ME..ME...ME....ME.....ME

I am on the road to recovery........seeing things so clearly. Still stings.           ox seasons

[seasons]

((Bear))
((TT))........wow...bizarre!

 To everyone who is sadly here on the Voicelessness and Emotional Survival board. (((()))) seasons

[bearwithme]

It is my understanding that this email is from your cousin, right?  Wow, what an N!!  I don't think I've read such an email packed with me, me, me, me.  Did this hair spectacle create such a flurry of interest that she had to share all this useless information???  Even if I was into hair stuff to that degree, I would be embarrassed to send that email to anybody!! 

Seasons, you definitely have an N on you hands.  I can pick them out in a line up.  Someone once said here, and I'll have to go back to read to see who said this, but it goes something like this:

If you give N's enough rope, they will eventually hang themselves--taking the approach "sit back and watch the show" is actually quite satisfying and validating to a degree--whatever the N says or does that crosses your boundary especially while in front of other people, don't say anything and let it hang in the air like rotting meat so that everyone else can get a whiff, then walk away in silence.  In a social setting and maybe in emails, too, if you let the N get the last word, you might be pleasantly surprised at how ridiculous they sound when nothing is said in retort, which is what they want......

I didn't say that the best but I hope you got the point.  I need to take this advice myself with my SIL.  It's challenging but the reality is: the N is the fool.  Just a fool.

((((((Seasons))))))))

Bear