Today is co-F's 80th birthday, and I'm ignoring him :(

[Hopalong]

I hear you, Kathy.
And I agree with Ann...you have to do what is right for you.

What a deep slice, that things have to go to "the son" -- regardless of what they might mean to a daughter.

Ow. Oh I can relate to that.

You take care of your own heart's healing. That sounds right to me whatever form it takes.

Bah humbug. And all hail, PHamilies.

love,
Hops

[JustKathy]

Thanks Hops. Doesn't it seem that the GC is always male? It's been my observation, from this board and general reading on the subject, that if there is a male child, that child will be the GC. Ns place great value on a son, the male heir, the one who will carry on the family name, etc etc. I swear, when my brother was born, the clouds parted and the angels sang . . . "a son, a son, a son." Both my sister and I achieved a higher level of education and employment, but still, we're "just girls."

Well guess what. I happen to LOVE being "just a girl." 

Kathy

[sKePTiKal]

Hey Kathy,

I want to apologize for using the "F" word - you know, "forgiveness". Even tho' this is the word that gets used all the time to describe what I really meant, I had enough of my own issues about the connotations tagged to that word: as if it's a "get out of jail free" card or an absolution of responsibility or a "they couldn't help it". Those connotations are not what I meant to suggest as being helpful. I've got my own list of "crimes" against myself as a child, for which there is no stature of limitations, after which "it doesn't matter" anymore. I should know better than to toss that F word around casually... when people suggested it to me, I felt like I was wrong-bad for not being able to be charitable enough to "forgive" in some christ-like way. I also faced a lot of self-imposed unfair guilt about that. I wasn't that charitable in reality. Pain'll do that to a person.

But there is some peace; a place beyond the pain where your choice of relationship style (LC, NC, whatever) no longer stirs up guilty feelings, or wishes for things to be different. Not saying you'll ever forget specific things nor that they'll stop hurting completely. You'll still stub your toe on these things from time to time and it'll hurt; it just won't start up a whole bunch of other stuff again anymore. It won't be a "what's wrong with me" moment (guilt)... or even an "those evil people" moment. It'll just be that your toe hurts for a while, then the pain subsides. Happens to everyone - it's no one's fault anymore. No one "made" me stub my toe.

That's all I was suggesting - that you might be able to find that place - by looking at your experiences from someone else's perspective. Sometimes, this works.

[JustKathy]

I want to apologize for using the "F" word - you know, "forgiveness".

No need to apologize. I knew what you were trying to say. I use the word often myself, when it's not really the word I want to use. Unfortunately, the word that I want to use usually escapes me. I'll often say "I can't forgive them for _____," when I have no intention of forgiving them. That's just the word that comes out, for lack of a better one. I'm not sure what the right word really is. I have a problem with that sometimes in writing about my feelings, especially describing the things that my N parents have done. It's very hard to find the words. Odd, because I'm a writer, but writing fiction, and writing about your own pain are two very different things.

[sKePTiKal]

Odd, because I'm a writer, but writing fiction, and writing about your own pain are two very different things.

I'm not so sure about this. I know from a personal perspective, that they really do appear to be "different voices"**... saying different things. And that I wouldn't want anyone to read the repetitive, vengeful, raging pain-purge journals I've written. They are, to me, kinda embarassing. Eventually, I'll have another bonfire (I got rid of a lot of "early" paintings this way; I never wanted to be judged artistically on the kind of visual art therapy I indulged myself in.)

On the other hand - in the visual arts, specifically in figure drawing/painting - we're cautioned to be aware of and try to avoid an unconscious reflex: that is letting a "self-portrait" superimpose itself on the subject... or emerge in places in the drawing...

and aren't beginning writers often counselled to write about what they know about?

**
I think this concept also shows up in what's known as "self" psychology - the concept of the personal narrative. And that's extended to the therapy process, where therapy is defined as developing a "new" personal narrative from the old one. "The story of me" that lives in my journals has a narrative; I played with the idea of trying to develop that into a fictional structure - written from the 3rd person. And my idea behind that, was that I'd already plumbed the depths of my agony in the journals... but what would it look like to someone else? Someone not part of the FOO-games? A chance stranger who discovered the story?

For me, it was a creative dead-end. As much as my fingers spew characters on this website - I'm still less a writer than I am a visual artist. But the effort - the attempt - was very much worth it. Because just trying to see my "story" from the 3rd person opened up a permanent (I think - is one ever sure about these things?) perspective wall that I could "throw my emotional spaghetti" at... and see what "sticks".

Maybe you'd be better at this than me? Or maybe just the attempt might help?

LOL about the writer who can't find the right words! I used to look up words in the dictionary - then consult the thesaurus - and still not have a word that sounded right to the wounded, feral cat part of me. I think we have to make up words - then write our own definitions. Like Hops' "phamily"...

Gotta run - I've got new kinds of dramas (MIL's medical issues) to go deal with... but hugs to you & I hope you're starting to feel a bit better.

[JustKathy]

I'm not so sure about this. I know from a personal perspective, that they really do appear to be "different voices"**... saying different things. And that I wouldn't want anyone to read the repetitive, vengeful, raging pain-purge journals I've written. They are, to me, kinda embarassing.

I understand what you're saying here. What I write on my own, in my journal, is MUCH different from what I write here. My journaling is much like yours, filled with rage and pain-purging. Here, I try to be more "professional," and in that case, the right word very often escapes me. My journal looks more like "f%$4k sh^t b@astard scum hateyoub!tch garble garble evil evil evil." On the board I'll use what may not be the perfect word, but the best one that comes to mind, which IMO is often the wrong word.

Your concept of making up words to describe our feelings is a very good. In a way, it could be therapeutic. I like that!

Kathy