Dismissiveness - the scars of living amonst the Ns

[sKePTiKal]

Dear, dear GS...

I'm not a very religious person - that said, I've had what can only be described as intensely spiritual experiences.

I'm SOOO glad you've found the wavelength of comfort and peace that always co-exists with the pain, grief, loss and yuck of this life. It's far greater than any of the "bad" you've experienced via your parents & FOO experiences, or so it seemed to me when I had those moments. What's still a mystery to me - and that's just fine, I don't need it explained - is why and how those validating and confirming experiences remain available in their full-strength version to me... all these years later. Unlike garden-variety, everyday "happiness" that can be wrecked by the next uncomfortable or irritating situation - this kind of comfort sticks around and has some mysterious auto-start mechanism for me. It kicked in the night we drove home in the wee hours of the morning, knowing MIL was making her final earthly jouney.

From those kinds of experience - a sort of "mother mary comfort me" moment - I've learned that love is the most powerful emotion in the universe and that it makes possible the ability to grieve and mourn in a healthy way... a letting go with love. And it exists beyond any one person's ability to control it, give it or receive it. It belongs to God or the Universe... not to people - yet it's always there, ready to be tapped - or auto-starting by itself - when we need it most.

((((((((GS)))))))))


You can TRUST this comfort and peace and healing, completely.

[Gaining Strength]

I am enjoying my pudgy, lathargic, laxy self this morning, having a hard time motivating to tackle the brush fires burning around me.

[Gaining Strength]

OK PR - I completely connect with your description of spending an hour per day for a limited period and then revisiting.  That makes sense and is definitely manageable.  Thank you for sharing.  That is so practicle - real advice that I can actually put to work.  I get it.

[Gaining Strength]

Thanks PR, I am feeling stronger.  This has been one of the longest "struggle" periods without that plateau sort of place where the incessant attacks do indeed retreat.  So glad to get he for a time.  Needed a break.

[Hopalong]

I am so grateful to hear about that moment when a loving hand rested over your heart.

((((((((((((GS)))))))))))))))

You deserve that. And one reason it happened is you let it in.

love,
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

YAY! Do rest, take care of yourself (emotionally and otherwise)... and just give yourself time to soak in the good, peaceful place... but just like my advice on how to tackle the yuck - do this in doses... pace yourself... the "magic" is in balancing all of the different things you're juggling right now and that takes time to learn.

So a little of this now... a little of that tomorrow... a little of ________ on Monday.... repeat as needed! 

I've not been forced into a "schedule" for almost 2 years now. Lots of people expect that I"m climbing the walls from boredom. Not so. What I have found is that I'm much more attuned to my own rhythms & energy now. I know when I'm out of energy to do another housework task and that I need to let it go for another day... I know when I need to work 8 hours outside... I know when it's time to play or when I need to say yes when asked for time/energy from someone else or when I need to seek someone out. I really needed a chance to learn this - I couldn't have told anyone what it was and didn't know myself what was the "right" balance of all this for me. And I'm still learning and refining and yes, struggling against the "shoulds" and resistance to "wants" vs needs... I think this is absolutely a fundamental "attunement" that I was denied by the circumstances I grew up in and then later on, reacted to.

Once one gets a "taste" - I think one wonders "what took so long", you know?

[sKePTiKal]

Hiya - how are you today? Did you get all your helpers organized and accomplish all the tasks you wanted done? That sounded like a great plan. I'm thinking I probably ought to seriously consider the same! (feeling a bit overwhelmed as it's already houseguest season - end of the week - and I'm way behind even on normal housework again.)

I'm waffling - and procrastinating - and telling myself that my ideas just haven't gelled yet - on the new theory of how the physical side of ourselves can be involved and also get in the way of - healing. There is a tiny element of truth in all that - but there's also a ton of avoidance, rationalization... and even conditional thinking involved. I've deliberately even added some tasks to my to-do list, that will disrupt my thought process and interfere with writing one long essay that gets me to an a-ha moment (my old friend resistance returns).

Today's rationalization is that I prefer to collaborate with other people - bounce ideas off of others, get their feedback - rather than work in isolation and an intellectual vacumn. On the other hand, I have gotten a couple of house maintenance things off the list by trying to avoid this instead!