Conduit for all communication

[Nony]

I have read here many times that the N parent seems to be the conduit for all of the communication that goes on in the family. Is that because of control, to seperate and divide, to feel important and indispensible or because the N parent thinks that his/her children are an extension of themselves, or all of the above?

I recently got a missive from my mother (who I haven't spoken to in a long time) thanking me for writing to my two oldest siblings (I decided after all of these years that I should form my own relationship with them). She said....well, so you don't have time to write to me, thanks anyway for writing to ____ and _____. I felt like saying, _____and_____already thanked me. They are two discreet, individual people and you don't have any business thanking me like it was some paean to you. But I didn't say anything at all to her in return (what's the point anyway?).

Anybody care to comment?
 
Back to top

[Anonymous]

I thought this only happened in my family. Nmother is the one whom all communication must go through or it just isn't validated. Wanna know if Grandma is having Christmas this year, ask Nmom.  Want to know what Uncle Jim's schedule is like, well she'd better get on the phone and find out for you. To go around her, you get no reply from anyone in her family. I call it "her" family, because that is exactly what it is. To incorporate her own grown children into her family isn't something Momster is going to do. It's her and them and you're out in left field. I just don't have the time to deal with it or make sense of it anymore. Used to think her family was the "normal" side. Now that I've spent years away from them, I'm starting to see how she was created.

[Anonymous]

I have read here many times that the N parent seems to be the conduit for all of the communication that goes on in the family. Is that because of control, to seperate and divide, to feel important and indispensible or because the N parent thinks that his/her children are an extension of themselves, or all of the above?

All of the above.

Your mother's letter sounds really obnoxious and doesn't merit a reply.

bunny

[les]

Grand Central Station...the Clearing House...all communication went through my NM.  She still  exerts control at 91 although my siblings and I are getting a grip and actually talking to each other now.  It has taken quite awhile. Very good question. What do they get from it? Everything you mentioned. I can almost see my mother out in the train yards, rerouting trains, derailing others, making sure everything passes her way.  

I remember watching slides with the family a few years ago.. My sister and I were walking along a beach in one of the slides. Mother's comment was - "you are talking about me, I can see that." So maybe intense paranoia figures into this too. When you are the centre of the universe you want to be sure to hear everything that is being said about you and you need to cook the books so that no one can even begin to compete with such magnificence.

Les

[Moonflower]

....

[Frustrated]

A few years ago my sister and I (we live in different states) went on vacation together.  When I got back and went to visit my parents, they did not ask if we had fun, what we did, what we ate -- they asked "What did you talk about all week?"  I thought that was the oddest question, and I was only at that time starting to get a clue about these two weirdos.

When I brushed the question off with "Oh you know, this and that" (as I was sitting there thinking am I actually supposed to answer this question??) they continued to press me and grill me for a good 20 minutes.  "You must have talked about something."  "You mean you don't remember what you talked about?"  "Gosh you must be getting old to be having such memory problems."

These two seriously need hobbies, I thought

I'm pretty sure that what they wanted to know was if we were talking about THEM (I certainly wasn't going to tell them thats exactly what we were talking about

Every time I get an email from my mother she asks:  "Have you heard from your sister lately?"  Every time I see my mother she asks:  "Have you heard from your sister lately?"  And if I say yes I know I'm going to be asked to report what she told me (so I just say "no not lately").  She never seems at all interested if I've heard from my brother (whom I don't speak with unless its forced on me - because he's a nutbar too)

[flower]

Hi Nony,

The conduit phenomenon was very active in my family. Borg queen stuff. I think your reasons for Ns doing this make a lot of sense.

Is that because of control, to seperate and divide, to feel important and indispensible or because the N parent thinks that his/her children are an extension of themselves, or all of the above?

[Nony]

You know, now that I think of it, there's something else my mom does with the divide and conquer thing. If she finds out that any sibling is having a problem with another, she will go out of her way to mention this person (the one the other is mad at) and how good they are doing and how well their children are doing too (even if they're not). It's like she's trying to create a rift, but she would say that she just wants everyone to get along. She did this with my two older siblings who used to be close but ran into a hitch in their relationship some years back. She would twist the knife one against the other depending on which one she was talking to. I so used to wonder why she did this. Of course now I know what an Nidiot she is.

It's so nice having the blinders off. I used to play into her schemes and now wish I hadn't. But I guess I just didn't realize what was going on. It's so maddening to know you have wasted time not getting to know your own sister or brother. It's almost like sexual abuse that's covert and one sibling doesn't talk about it to the other. That may be an extreme comparison but it does have some similarities.

Les, I guess for you it must be nice to finally get some validation from your sister. I know it helped me to get some from my one sister. The other sister isn't wise yet, but I just don't talk about my mother to her and she is a decent sort. We have lots of other stuff to talk about though and it's been very pleasant.

Nony

[Moonflower]

......

[Ellie]

Frustrated said:

Every time I get an email from my mother she asks: "Have you heard from your sister lately?" Every time I see my mother she asks: "Have you heard from your sister lately?"

That used to be the first question Nparents asked when they called me or I called them.

We don't talk anymore - so the conduit to comminucation cut all lines my way. If my sisters called - Nmom would be livid. They all know that - so no one conacts me anymore.

This is why when some considers standing up to Nparents, or cutting them off, if they act the conduit, they will probably cut the communication lines to all family members. Everyone else still beleives in their power of control even if we don't anymore.

Nony,
My Nmom was the instigator between us also.

Moonflower,

How dare we have anything to do with each other *gasp* like a normal family. My youngest sister and myself have cut all ties with her.

Yes, I've experienced this. It extended to cousins, and god forbid we consider speaking to one their age like an aunt or uncle. And my grandmother was completely untouchable unless Nmom was with me. And then she would interpret every word my grandmother said back to me in her words and visa versa.

[Nony]

Ya know Moonflower and Ellie and everyone.....I would think these machinations and manipulations would make an Nbody tired. But they're so good at it and it seems to be 2nd nature. I guess only sane people would get tired if they tried to keep up with all of this. My Nmom is uncanny at the way she can push buttons.

But now I know how to deal with her sorry butt. I just mostly ignore her and take everything she says as seriously as so much wind in the trees. Like someone said in an earlier thread... firm and non reactive. The ACON's mantra.

[Moonflower]

.......

[Nony]

Yeah, I've always suspected that my Nmom would live to a ripe age just off of meaness. Well, I'd rather have a conscience and be a good person and die young (er). Actually now that I think of it, I need to live longer so that I can live the second half of life according to my agenda instead of hers.

Nony

[Avril]

I need to live longer so that I can live the second half of life according to my agenda instead of hers.

Nony, I like the way you put that!  I hereby aim to live my life by my own agenda - as of now!  No more waiting!

This communication conduit idea is a very interesting thread.  At first glance I didn't think it was so relevant to me, but I'd never really considered it before.

I can't quite believe it's been a deliberate conscious strategy on my NMom's part, but there certainly are huge communication issues in our family.  NM operated through Dad, over whom she had total control.  Now that he's gone, she's lost that control mechanism, and bit by bit I'm starting to find out what I can 'get away with' now.  For example, now my sister and I communicate freely by phone and by email, and I feel such glee in not reporting all the details to command centre!  It's because of this new found freedom, that we've finally been in a position to put the pieces together and realise what NM is!

NM came to Scotland from Germany when she was just 19.  She spoke very little English then and could only talk to Dad, who spoke fluent german (and several other languages).  My sister and I were not  brought up to be bilingual.  German was like M&D's 'secret' language and we were not encouraged to learn, so felt very alienated when we spent every second summer in Germany.

Of course we picked up some of the language from cousins etc, but if we spoke it in front of NM, she corrected everything and was very disapproving.  Probably she felt it reflected badly on her that we couldn't speak it perfectly.

The only one of my G-relatives I can readily talk to is a cousin who speaks excellent English.  Interestingly, when this cousin (B) came to visit whilst NM was looking for a place to live around here after Dad died, NM blatantly corrected the one minor grammatical error B made when talking to the House Manager who was showing us around the retirement residence.  Everybody was taken aback and embarrassed by NM's inappropriate outburst.  It was quite bizarre!

NM also isolated us from the English-speaking relatives by insidiously turning us against people.  It's so obvious to me now, I can't believe I missed it!

The family is so spread out now.  Visiting each other is very rare indeed.  My sister left home as soon as she could, moving first to Africa and then to Australia, where she is now settled with H & kids.  I moved 500 miles away (NOT far enough!), but missed my friends and missed Scotland, so moved to the North of England (215 miles from NM & D).  Now NM has moved here and lives a mere 6 miles away.  I hate it!  

Sorry, I do go on a bit, don't I  

I'm tired now and not making much sense.
Goodnight.
Av.