narcissism leads to narcissim - am I the only one

[flowers12]

I've read a lot of the postings on here and most refer to their parents.  Am I the only one who grew up with a horrible Nmom - and has now taken on many of her traits?  I have a beautiful daughter who is about to turn one year old.  My biggest fear is that I will leave her with no self worth.  Although I haven't seen any narcissistic behavior on my part toward my daughter, I am still so scared.  I treat her father like crap though, and then make it seem like it is him.  I recognize this behavior, but for some reason cannot stop, or acknowledge to him that this is my problem and he is not the bobbling, do nothing right idiot I make him out to be.  I actually love him terribly and don't know why I feel the need to control him.  I have zero self-esteem and accuse him of looking at other girls whenever the t.v. is on or one crosses his line of vision.  I personalize everything he does and truly believe he does these things to hurt me.  Why do I make everything be about me.  Is it just the insecurity of not being loved as a child....or have I turned into her?

[bunny]

flowers12,

Hello and welcome.

No, you haven't turned into your mother. We all have "internal parents" inside of us. These are the templates of our childhood parents that we internalized as small children. If we haven't worked on our issues related to these internal parent templates, they will run the show and we'll act out.

I've been working on my internal parents for years and I've gotten way better. I used to act just like my mom at her worst. But I was never "her." I just imitated her because I didn't have a bag of skills to draw upon as an alternative. I had to learn those skills (aka"Maturity") and you can too! It's not easy, it takes a lot of dedication and practice. You'll have to give up some of your acting out and you'll feel vulnerable. I think it can only be done with a support system (therapist, husband).

BTW your husband also has a problem, or he wouldn't put up with your behavior. He needs help too.

Have you ever been to couples therapy?

I think it's really great that you admitted to poor coping skills and want to get better. That's half the battle right there. Healing your marriage is essential for your daughter. The married couple's relationship is a huge part of her internal templates and you want her to have positive ones.

bunny

[meadow]

Dear Flower,
I am amazed at your internal awareness of your behavior and thinking patterns.  That is half the battle........Awareness.  There are three A's to recovery work to heal from our past.  Awareness, Acceptance and then Action.  We were never intended to heal by ourselves.  I hope you can find a supportive skilled therapist/counselor who is trained in the area of what you are dealing with.  Shop around....you deserve the best.  You sound like you have a caring mother's heart.  One of the most foundational needs that your daughter has is for her to grow up seeing a healthy relationship between her mom and dad.  Many people make the mistake of focusing all their time and energy into the Parent-child relationship and don't realize that the first foundational relationship that receives the priority for everyone's sake is the parent's relationship.

As they say...If you love your Child...Love their Dad/Mom.

Meadow

[flower]

Just in case anyone is wondering I'm not the person who started this thread.

For one thing, I don't have a one year old.

flowers12,  

Nice user name.   Shows good taste.  Let's start a flower club on here. A whole garden of lovely blooming personages.

Anyway, might help to start apologizing to your husband for your treatment of him, if you haven't already.

I think Wildflower. you were the first flower on here. I didn't see your name until after I registered. There may have also been another variety of flower before me but I don't recall.

[BlueTopaz]

Hi Flower12.....

I don't think you are a narcissist (as per heading "nism = nism") or  necessarily displaying narcissistic traits at all.  But what could be happening is that you are carrying forward into your relationship, not the narcissism itself but the effects of its abuse that you unfortunately knew so well as a child.

I agree very much with the mention counseling as a way to work through this, and to heal the familial cycle of emotionally damaging acting out.  Even if it is not directed at your daughter at this point (though she is still very young) she will observe and be affected by the relationship that you and your husband have.

As a child of a narcissist as you have been, my heart is really with you.  It is perfectly expectable that you would have a lot of hard and painful feelings and emotions to work through, and to vent out.  

You might find both individual & couples counseling helpful with this...

Best wishes

BT

[Anonymous]

I want to thank everyone for welcoming me and responding to my post.  

When I got back online to check to see if anyone responded, I was terrified that no one would.  I thought for sure that I wouldn't be worth anyone's time and I would be seen as one of the "bad guys."  It is this feeling of unlovability that I want to get rid of.  How do I teach esteem to my daughter when I don't even know it truly exists.  

I'm hoping be reading what others have gone through and continue to go through I will start to understand how to turn this around.  I have started going to counseling 5 times in the last five years and never make it past 6 sessions.  I have also been diagnosed with BiPolar Disorder and usually slip into depression once things start getting to deep.  Has anyone else had problems sticking with therapy?  Do I just need to push through my discomfort, or does time make things better.

BT,
I want to thank you for saying "my heart is really with you."  Everytime I read it I start crying.  I've had friends who have felt bad about the years of abuse I sustained, but to see people on this site who can empathize takes a little weight off of my shoulders.  

Meadow,
I wanted to thank you for the reminder about the importance of the parents relationship.  I've always wondered how I can have a "functional relationship", when I don't even know what one looks like.  My husband and I have a lot to work on so that we can show our daughter what love looks like.

Bunny,
We have not gone to couples therapy.  I've had therapists suggest it, but I'm always to scared.  I'm so afraid that if he goes to therapy with me he will hate me like I hate me.  I have decided right now that this is something we will do.  He has offered to go in the past, so I know that he will still be willing to go.  We will seek out a counselor and begin counseling within the next six months.  Also, the fact that when you said I need to give up some of my acting out makes me want to run like I always have.  It is what you said afterward- that I would feel vulnerable - that lets me know you understand and have been there (i think).  

I thank you for support and hope that this site will be a good place to turn for encouragment and advice.  I look forward to the day when I will be able to help others.

-Flowers12

[flowers12]

That last message was mine.


Does anyone know why my message didn't appear as mine, but as a guest.  I signed in - I thought?  Sorry, this  is only my second day.

[Anonymous]

Hi Flowers12,

I used to have the same problem signing in.  Usually I have to sign in twice.  I dont know why it doesnt always take it the first time.  Once you bring the screen up to type on,  and you see a space at the top for "username", that  means you arent signed in.  So just sign on again.  

Once you are properly signed on, then all you should see is the subject line, and the box below for your text.   Good luck.    

[Anonymous]

Kelly here - yes, flower12, I asked the same question, too.  We need to ask Dr. G if he can look into that double sign-in thing - I'm impatient and it is such a waste of time!!

I agree with you.  Sometimes I wonder if my behaviors are N - just a different form of N.  I find myself doing exactly the opposite of what my mother did to me when raising my children.  When she was never at a school party, I make a point of going.  When she didn't stick up for me at school when I was wronged, I accuse the teacher of mistreating my daughter.  When my mom enters a room and tries to be the center of attention, I enter a room and find someone I know and have a conversation with them.

I constantly tell my children how pretty and smart they are.  Almost too much.  But when I get angry I kind of go off.  Maybe that is where the bad behaviors are modeled.  When I lose my cool!!!  God help me when I start spewing at them for being late or having a dirty room!!!

And belittling your husband?  Is he a good guy?  I have decided that since I have no sense of self worth (thank you, nmom) I have chosen men that are going to disappoint me.  I have been desperate to find someone, anyone that will love me, that I haven't waited until someone that has the same morals and values as I do comes along.  Every man I have had seems to have addictions.  Smoking, drinking, sex........................I just cannot seem to find a "whole" person......................don't know if that applies to you, just wondering.

Hang in there.  Love this post.  I have been a member here since September and these people have really helped me deal with a lot of crap over the last two months!

[flowers12]

Kelly,

It was so weird that you wrote this.  I was laying in bed last night thinking about the same thing.  I'm sure I'm not the only one around here who doesn't drift off into an angelic sleep as soon as my head hits the pillow.  

So, around 3am I was analyzing if I am going to end up with a spoiled little brat for a daughter.  I'm afraid I won't be able to say no to her for fear that she might think I don't love her.  I constantly tell her how pretty, smart, funny, wonderful and lovable she is.  Then I'm constantly asking my husband "Do you think she knows I love her?"  "Are you sure she knows I love her?"  He's very good about reassuring me, but sometimes he lets out the - are you asking me this again -sigh.  

Of course I also suffer from the other side you talked about.  I'm all loveydoveylovey and then PSYCHO.  It comes out of nowhere.  I can't figure out why little things will all of a sudden have me enraged.  I have a hard time resisting the urge to slap her in the face.  I never do, instead I pick her up and hug her and sing a little song about how much mommy loves her.  This always leaves me holding her and crying and saying a silent prayer that I will never hurt her physically or emotionally.  If I can get so angry with a little girl who is only going to be one on Thursday, how am I going to keep my cool when she starts talking back.

About my husband -I'm pretty sure he's a good guy.  Of course like bunny said earlier he has some of his own childhood issues.  I constantly accuse him of lying and cheating even though there isn't evidence that he has done either.  For the most part he is the most wonderful guy I have ever dated.  Like you, though, there is a long list of losers before him.  Drug addicts, compulsive liars (this seems to be my specialty), Porn addicts, and cheaters.  It always reminds me of what Julia Roberts says in Pretty women - something about if there is a loser within a ten mile radius I'm going to find him and fall in love with him.

Wishing you the best,
Flowers12

[Portia]

Hi Flowers12, you said

I can't figure out why little things will all of a sudden have me enraged.

I felt like this for years. Until it got too destructive and exhausting, then, like an addict stopping their addiction, I thought enough was enough. I didn’t want to die still being angry.

You have to work out really why you are angry – not the surface stuff, but the deep childhood stuff. A therapist can help you do this, but at the end of the day, you have to do the hard thinking work yourself.

Only you can stop you getting enraged and help you be healthier. You’re in charge of your brain , maybe you can take a step back from it and watch how it works when you get angry. Then figure out how to change your reactions.

And try clicking ‘Log in to check your private messages’ – that usually logs me in first time. best, P

[Anonymous]

I have started going to counseling 5 times in the last five years and never make it past 6 sessions.  I have also been diagnosed with BiPolar Disorder and usually slip into depression once things start getting to deep.  Has anyone else had problems sticking with therapy?  Do I just need to push through my discomfort, or does time make things better.

Try to tolerate the discomfort for longer than you have been. Tell the therapist that you want to quit. The therapist will hopefully understand the situation and help you through it.

I'm so afraid that if he goes to therapy with me he will hate me like I hate me.  I have decided right now that this is something we will do.  He has offered to go in the past, so I know that he will still be willing to go.  We will seek out a counselor and begin counseling within the next six months.  Also, the fact that when you said I need to give up some of my acting out makes me want to run like I always have.  It is what you said afterward- that I would feel vulnerable - that lets me know you understand and have been there (i think).

He won't learn to hate you in therapy. He's going to feel a lot of compassion for your suffering (really). A good therapist won't let the therapy go there anyway. I'm glad you're willing to give couples therapy a try.

bunny

[Anonymous]

So, around 3am I was analyzing if I am going to end up with a spoiled little brat for a daughter.  I'm afraid I won't be able to say no to her for fear that she might think I don't love her.  I constantly tell her how pretty, smart, funny, wonderful and lovable she is.  Then I'm constantly asking my husband "Do you think she knows I love her?"  "Are you sure she knows I love her?"  He's very good about reassuring me, but sometimes he lets out the - are you asking me this again -sigh.

A child is hardwired to bond to mommy. So yes, she loves you, no matter what. Maybe your question is whether you love her enough to change your acting out toward your husband. It's a very hard decision but I think you already made it.

 

I'm all loveydoveylovey and then PSYCHO.  It comes out of nowhere.  I can't figure out why little things will all of a sudden have me enraged.  I have a hard time resisting the urge to slap her in the face.  I never do, instead I pick her up and hug her and sing a little song about how much mommy loves her.  This always leaves me holding her and crying and saying a silent prayer that I will never hurt her physically or emotionally.  If I can get so angry with a little girl who is only going to be one on Thursday, how am I going to keep my cool when she starts talking back.

Has anyone mentioned "splitting" to you? This is a very common defense mechanism, we all do it. But if it goes to this extreme of emotional polarizing, I would get help to diminish it. (I had to get help for my own splitting.) I believe you won't hurt your daughter physically but you'll feel better if you have a therapist to back you up.

About my husband -I'm pretty sure he's a good guy.  Of course like bunny said earlier he has some of his own childhood issues.  I constantly accuse him of lying and cheating even though there isn't evidence that he has done either.  For the most part he is the most wonderful guy I have ever dated.  Like you, though, there is a long list of losers before him.  Drug addicts, compulsive liars (this seems to be my specialty), Porn addicts, and cheaters.  It always reminds me of what Julia Roberts says in Pretty women - something about if there is a loser within a ten mile radius I'm going to find him and fall in love with him.

Realistically - has your husband lied, cheated, or given any cause to be untrustworthy?

bunny