need adivse on how to get over this

[Anonymous]

Hi everyone -

This is my first post so forgive me if it is long but I need to include a bit of background.

I have a N Mother and a N sister who are also both very critical , negitive and  controlling so  I did not count very much growing up - my feelings, my needs, what I wanted,etc was secondary.   I have the same issues as most people here because of this. Specifically, growing up I learned that in order to be loved, I had to give up everything of myself, ignore my own needs, suppress my own feelings and put my Mother and whatever she wanted before anything else, even if it was detrimental to me.  My Mother promoted discord between my sister and I because we fought for her attention, to be on the "A" list as she could only be nice to one of us at the same time which meant we went from being loved and adored one second and then discarded and ignored the next second, over and over again.  I also have major trust issues because my Mother has used things that I have told her at a vulnerble moment or when she was pretending to be a caring, loving person, against me at a latter time, at a time when it would hurt the most or be the most destructive to me.

My relationships usually mirror that which I had with my Mother on some level and I date people with commitment issues and who are not faithfull even though loyalty and fidelity are so important to me.

I recently broke up with someone who  is a narcissistic sociopath.  We were together for a year.  I was 100% in love with him and trusted him more than I have ever trusted anyone.  

When we met I did not want to date him because of his history and other issues- he is 17 years older then me, he has been divorced for 12 years and has not had a relationship longer than 6 months since this time and has a history of being unfaithful. He did everything to convince me that this would be different, that he had spent the last few years not dating, dealing with his issues, that he was remorseful for the things he had done to other women in the past and that he had never felt this way about anyone. He was so nice, warm, caring, etc that I eventually believed him and fell for him hard.  

Long story short, a few months ago I discovered he had a complete separate life that I knew nothing about, he was using dating services the entire time we were together and he was sleeping with prostitutes. He denied everything, regardless of the evidence I had, told me he had gone on a few dates because he was feeling pressured, he handled it wrong, wanted to work on our relationship, could not think of not being with me, etc.  The more he lied and denied things, the more I began to doubt myself and I became obsessed with finding out the truth.  I went to great lengths to find out the truth but continued to believe every story or excuse he came up with to explain away whatever I had found out about. Instead of walking away, I believed anything he said because the truth was too painful

I felt annihilated, that I was worth nothing without him and could not possibly live without him.  So for the last few months he has continued to tell me how much he loves me, that he is not dating other people, etc and little by little he separated from me while saying and doing everything to make sure I would not move on and now he is 100% over it and I still feel like we broke up yesterday.  He told me that he was not ready to break up with me when I found out about everything as it was his intention to just start dating other people and when he found someone else he would have broken up with me.  He also told me how much he has enjoyed stringing me along the last few months and how much he has enjoyed hurting me.

As my denial has worn off  I have slowly realized that he is a totally different person than the person he portrayed himself to be and I know now  the extent to which he lied to me and deceived me.  This is difficult swallow and very painful.  It has devastated me, I have been very depressed and I am barely functioning.

I could go on and on about the details of this, the things I wish I had done and wish I had not done but I know none of this matters anymore.  I am still so hurt, so angry, enraged, etc and I don’t know how to deal with how I feel so I can let go and move on.  I still have a difficult time believing the truth - believing that he has no conscience, that he has always known exactly how much he was hurting me but he did not care, etc I am also having a hard time dealing with the fact that he feels no remorse for what he did and he most likely never will.  It also kills me that he walks away from this fine, that he is dating a million other people and could care less about me, while I am devastated and a complete mess.

 Logically I know that he is sick, that this has nothing to do with me, that it is a blessing that I am not with him but emotionally I feel lunlovable and non-existent because of the things he did, because he no longer needs or wants me and because he has so easily moved on.  

I want nothing more than to put this behind me, to heal and to be able to move on yet I honestly don’t know how to do this and this scares me because I cannot stand feeling this way.  Any advise or suggestions as to how I can deal with this, how I can help myself, would be greatly appreciated!

Thanks -

Kate

[Camilla]

Oh my goodness... how I feel for you.  I know exactly how it is - as I read each line, it could have been my own story.  What can I say to help?  I am not sure I can help, but will tell you how I have managed so far.

Some background is in another post from me to 'Cindy' .. so please forgive me if I spare the major part of the detail.  What I want to comment on is the deception - the part where you realise the person in your life is not the person you thought you were with.  That this person has no remorse, no empathy and basically no feelings toward you.  That he could just up and walk off - have affairs with others and leave behind a path of total devastation.  My children say to me: 'Mum, Dad was never what you wanted him to be.  He was never what you thought he was.  He could never be what you hoped - he just wasn't that person'

Why did I think he was the person I wanted him to be?  It seems I idealised him to be that person.  I think he acted out the role of that person in the beginning and I was beguiled and I believed what I saw and heard.  I never questioned anything.  I took everything to do with us at face value.  The problems began when I allowed denial to get the better of me.  There were signs - but I didn't deal with them properly - instead allowing denial to get in the way.  I did this many times and I could go on - detailing each occasion/incident.  Finding condoms in the glovebox of his car years after I had had a tubal ligation and denying the reality is just one example.

The crunch came last year when I went overseas to spend my 50th birthday with my daughter.  Unbeknowns to me, he had begun a liaison with a patient - 21 years his junior, who had propositioned him - 10 days before my departure.  By the time I returned, 5 and a half weeks later .. they were an item and I was to be phased out.  The end of a 20 year relationship.  As if that weren't enough, I subsequently discovered he has been seeing another patient at her flat for YEARS, in the evening, before coming home to me and the children.  I have been very shocked by this.

I have seen a psychiatrist every week for the past 13 months.  I needed to begin to understand what he was all about and what his treatment of me meant - the comprehension of so much confusion.  I needed to understand why I lived a life of denial - why I didn't face up to the reality of my relationship.  Why I unswervingly believed my husband was a faithful family man.  I have been and continue to be on anti-depressant medication.  I am still very affected by what has happened.  I am less angry than I was and I have moved beyond being impulsive - text messages to my husband at the drop of a hat.. so angry and consumed by the desire to inject a massive dose of reality so late in the piece.  Possibly still thinking he would be that man I always idealised he was - if only I could get him to see the reality - the enormity of what he has done.

I have lost my husband, my job and my lifestyle and we are no longer a family, the way we were and should still be.  I felt for a long time that the woman he left me for now 'has my life'.  That my identity (my life) has been taken from me by the woman who took my place.  He is due to retire in 6 years (he is 13 years older than me) and I thought we had planned to retire to our 30 acre holiday property and build a new house.  He did lead me to believe this was our future plan - he earmarked a high point on the land, on which we would build.  I now don't have any vision for the future but am hoping as the property settlement and divorce are dealt with, things will become clearer and I will find some direction.

I suppose I want to say - you are not alone.   As everyone has told me - it DOES get better.  It is a very slow process but 12 months down the track, I am definitely in much better shape than I was - even a few months ago.  The passage of time helps blur the unpleasant things and then the positives can slowly come through.  One thing I do know - I am infinitely better off without him and I would never, never consider taking him back.

Lots of hugs to you and don't be tough on yourself. XX

[Camilla]

cindy wrote:
It's been over 4 years for me, I'm pretty much back to my old self, and am still petrified. To what extent you wouldn't believe. Any contact and/or interest by a man who is not a trusted friend, and I look and act like a deer in your headlights. I'm not sure I will ever get over this in the repect of trusting my judgement again.

Voicelessness - is it synonymous with control?


Hi Cindy,
It's been only one year for me .. and like you, I couldn't think of anything worse than contact/interest from a man who is not a trusted friend. My 20 year relationship (16 married) to a medical professional finally was revealed as a monumental deception. When I met him, he was widowed with four children. His wife drowned (aged 40) like Natalie Wood .. fell off a boat whilst under the influence. He had four children - 9, 12, 14, 16 and I had two - 4 and 7. He was on the brink of entering into a deed of arrangement with the tax department, which subsequently sold his family home. They took everything, including his medical rooms. We joined our families together but people he knew never treated me with respect. Women were jealous .. his late wife had a lover and there were at least 3 women he was having liaisons with. When I arrived on the scene - a newcomer to town - I came in for scrutiny big time. I tried to earn respect from people, but resentment ran high and I have now come to realise my husband didn't respect nor care particularly for me and this was projected to anyone we associated with. I didn't ever 'crack' it with his children. He blamed me and I blamed me. He is a Narcissicistic MD .. his work is mainly cosmetic surgery. His patients (mostly) adore him and he thrives on it. Others - hospital staff, nurses etc. all adore him. He appears as someone calm, mild-mannered, decent, charming and is the most convincing case of 'what you see is what you get' I have ever come across. But depending on who you are, the opposite can be the case. Well.. finally, he ran off with a patient. I have discovered that he has bagged me out to staff at the rooms (which I ran as practice manager for 7 years) .. and I now believe he bagged me out to his children - hence my never being able to form relationships with them. I have discovered (as you do) that he has been cheating on me for years (another patient, at least) and I am stunned, still. Now the patient he has run off with is attempting to take out a 'misconduct restraining order' on me - all false accusations - but I will have to find money to pay for my defence. Of course, I have hardly any money any more. He has seen to that. I believe he has fired her up to do this to me. This type of narcissist is like a Jekyll and Hyde-type person. No-one but me and my children - we also had 2 together - (not his four) knows or can begin to know how evil he is. Unlike other Narcissists described in this forum, you would never, never, know he is anything other than absolutely charming. He has neglected me emotionally and distanced himself from me - even leaving a room when I entered.. though it took me years to realise. I believe he is an alcoholic - can't do without drinking every night and starting at lunch time on weekends. He would drink, I would drive. Eventually I wouldn't want to go to medical dinners with him - or anywhere he would be drinking. He argued with me incessantly - I never knew why. I now think he was just trying to destroy me. I have ranted and raved a lot here .. but, Cindy, what I really mean to say is I don't think I will ever again be trusting enough to enter another relationship. My judgement is so damaged and I am so fearful I have no measure by which to assess anyone. Quite simply, I would be terrified to get involved again. At 51 years of age, that is sad. Life seems pointless - except for my children. I have been seeing a doctor weekly for 12 months and am on anti-depressants. What this man has done to me is evil and I have been so confused as a result. He treated me with disregard and I wouldn't know what it is to be truly loved by someone. I am trying to be strong, but it is very, very difficult.

[cindy]

Hi, guys.  For me, the first 6 months were hell.  But then things began to get better and better.  A year and a hlf later I was realizing how happy I was, and that I was so unhappy in my marraige, but so controlled and incapacitated I didn't even know it.  Life in general is 100% better, but The last thing I seem to be able to get over is trusting my judgement.

Mine, too, had a secret life and I felt so stupid.  But by then you are so conditioned it really is understandable.  I am just now able to see this, as I went thru much self-blame.

Without these broken people in our lives, we have so many more opportunities and celebrations.  Attitude of gratitude works best for me.  If I can stay there, I move ahead.

[Alan]

The secret to getting past the pain is to work on ourselves.  Therapy, books, friends, etc., is the only way to learn why we did/do this to ourselves.  Sure, we want to learn everything we can about our partners, the "whys" of our situations.  It is the only way.

My break up is only 2 months ago.  And since I found this site and all the others, I am doing OK.  Last night was the first Sat nite I was by myself.  It was tough but I got thru it and will continue to do so.  My appreciation of what I learned in the past has come to my side this time around.  There is no avoiding the pain.  Don't avoid the learning.

I'm sure my ex N has sought out her friends she hasn't seen in the 3 years we were together.  I wouldn't surprise me if she was having new liasons with others.  Sell her soul and body for some supply.  I say this with all humility but I know it to be true.  She will never find a man who can supply her life with the love, health and sexuality I can.  Everything after me will be a shadow.  

I have worked my inner person and have become more than just a guy next door.  It's our insight that makes us stand out.  I trust in my training and myself.  It's just the way it is.  I am a truth seeker.  You can be, too.

I was just watching Wisdom Tv and and a professional and writer A H Almaas, author of "The Piont of Existence" was discussing N and how spiritually depleted the affected are.  He confirmed everything said here.  my xN is convinced that she is a spiritual person.  I have checked into her spirituality, which in concrete terms she showed me on the last night we spent together.  My research and this author has shown me that it too was twisted.  My N had her philosophies, but, only on the surface, down deep the well was dry.  Very sad.

This is a book I will search out.  He reiterated the fact that on the inside all Ns are dying of shame.  It's cruel, but, when needed, I play this up with my x, just mentioning the word shame must trip her off.  I don't care for those who attack me.

Time spent in a relationship is the killer. It was only 3 years for me.  My thing was that the day I hooked up with her, my aloneness on Sundays disappearted.  Sundays were a tough day for me. Now, I do a small ritual on Sun nites for myself.  We need to give ourselves what we need and want.

For me, there is no way in hell I'll let my N dictate the rest of my life.  Sure, I'll be more aware in the future.  I know in my heart there are good, loving, sensual women out there looking for a nice guy for their lives.  And for now, my life appears worse that her's. So what.  It's not a race with a finish line, it's what we learn along the journey.  I do worry about those who have closed their hearts.  Love is taking a chance.  Learn to be an Emotional Warrior, it pays off.

Regaining my power has left me more hopeful than in the recent past.  I go over all the lies my xN has told me.  Sick is sick, healthy is healthy.  I know myself, warts and all and that's where the power is.  Cindy, you sound great, keep working it. And Kate, never stop searching for your anwers.

[KateG]

Alan -

Thanks for the response to my post.  You are dealing with this a lot better than I am and I appreciate your positive outlook .  You  reminded me that I can make this what I want it to be and although I know I have to deal with the pain, deal with why I stayed in this relationship way too long, I will try not to wallow in misery!

Your response also reminded me of one of my favorite quotes and I think you will appreciate it


" It is rewarding to find someone you like, but it is essential to like yourself. It is quickening to recognize that someone is a good and decent human being, but it is indispensable to view yourself as acceptable.It is a delight to discover people who are worthy of respect and admiration and love, but it is vital to believe yourself deserving of these things.

For you cannot live in someone else. You cannot find yourself in someone else. You cannot be given a life by someone else. Of all the people you will know in a lifetime, you are the only one you will never leave or lose.

To the question of your life, you are the only answer. To the problems of your life, you are the only solution." Jo Coudert


Hope you are having a nice Sunday.

Kate

[Alan]

Thanks, Kate.  I'm having an OK Sunday, not pining to much for the xN.  I have a tough time on Sundays.

The only reason I'm handling it better than yourself or others is that I have gone thru loss of relationships in the past, my first divorce and then a subsequent relationship devestated me.  

I've relied on my therapy and experience to get me thru.  I try to get to the truth as quickly as possible.  That's why my marriage to my N basically lasted less than 2 years.  She has had relationships that lasted 5, 3 and 13 years.  I'm a truth seeker and when I find it, I do what needs to be done.  I feel just like everyone else.  It's too bad I have to rely on my training again.  

Your quotes are true.  That's what we need to live as best as possible.

[KateG]

Alan -

I think Sunday's are hard for a lot of people. For the first few months I ended up at my parents by 3:00 p.m. every Sunday,where I would collapse on their bed and cry until I feel asleep.  Just thinking about it makes me realize how much better I feel today.   I make it a point to make either breakfast or lunch plans on Sunday so I actually leave my house instead of thinking about how much I am hurting.  This has helped a lot.  There is something to be said for keeping busy but there is a fine balance between being busy and being so busy that you avoid your feelings.

I think that a big part of my problem is not wanting to accept the truth and instead wanting to hold on to the mirage of what I thought we had, who I thought he was.  I guess I had a lot invested int his relationship to the extent that he was the first person I ever thought I could marry and I never thought about my future without him.  It is a big adjustment.  It also makes me feel bad to know that what meant so much to me meant nothing to him and he could so easily go out with other people.  I guess this should not be a surprise since he went out on dates the entire time we were together.  I still cannot even think about going on a date with anyone and I will not until I am in a better place.  That is how I ended up with my ex - n as I had just broken up with someone three weeks before meeting him and I jumped into another relationship rather than dealing with the pain of the end of that previous relationship.

Have you read the books, "The four Agreements" or "Mastery of Love?"  I think you would really like both of them and would find them useful.

Glad you were alright today and I hope you have a nice week.

Kate