Boat's Cargo

[Meh]

Went to my second therapy appointment today. Nothing surprizing but I did communicate to her that I'm not sure how much this cognitive feedback type stuff is going to help. I blabbed nonstop which is weird for me.

She told me I was hard on myself. I've been told this before but that is who I am, I'm intense, serious, have some high expectations for myself even if it doesnt seem like I do.

Anyways the main thing that was reflected back to me is how CONFUSED I am. Some hope that I have a spark of internal navigation and passion towards an occupation BUT I don't have that anymore. I wasn't able to pursue my passions in the past and now I don't have the passion for them anymore. Besides it's part of my personality development that I don't know what I want to do with my life.

So she reflected back to me that I am confused...that is the feedback that I got from therapy...Is that helpful??
Not really, I already knew I was confused. So WHAT to do? Dive deeper into the confusion dive dive dive. Or deflect deflect deflect confusion and set sail on a random path.

[Meh]

Well, should I stay the course is the question. For now I will just keep on going to therapy because for me it's free and in the smallest ways it might be good even if it doesnt seem like it's doing much.

Why not its free...

[Meh]

Why I go to therapist...because I need help. If I knew how or what I needed then I wouldn't be compelled to go.
I tell them what my issues are, then I EXPECT them to figure it out!!! She is not helping me, she is not my friend. I'm frustrated.

She said something to me that was so NOT the right thing to say. She said "Well maybe this is where you need to be right now at this time in your life"....STUPID
She doesnt know what else to say, this is the kind of thing a person says when they are at a loss. I've struggled for a long time not making progress. I need to accomplish something.

I can't waste my time going back to this dumb therapist. This is not where I NEED to be...not now, not ever, nobody needs this crap. So I guess what happens is I politely ask her if I can be sent to somebody else...which is what I thought she was going to do anyways. She is not an intern but very recently out of school...not a lot of experience...I need something more, somebody who actually cares and is engaged and has continued in the same occupation for a reason. I'm not there so she can build her career. I'm there to get help and if she is not going to be helpful then I need to do something else.

[Meh]

Read an article about marriage that pointed out the costs of weddings. Even after removing the tulle and fluff and flounce, the left over skeleton framework, bones, nuts and bolts of it is that tradionally and I think even alchemically? )that a word?
Anyways...that the coming together of two families is part of it. For me this concept even puts a weird confusion in my soul because even though I am supposed to embrace the imperfectness of my family the fact of the matter is what I had was NOT family.

Meaning we didn't love each other in a healthy way...so fast forward to adult self. I don't fully love myself nor do I feel that I am lovable...nor do I have good loving THE other skills...and that is the weird magic part. Its not just what someone does or says there is an  Aura around people. A relationship Aura that people have and they learned it somewhere along the way in life. I guess I'm diving into the creative project of this all. Part of the creative assignment is basically, I guess, is to create this Aura or attune it differently.

The only thing I can think of right now that is so obvious is how I can just totally feel my aura change when I am gardening or adoring plants in some way.

I think relationship actually confuses my energy because I don't want to revert backwards to family role models but reforming it is so hard and it's a manufactured thing...and so I ask myself am I only able to fake relating in a loving way or can I do what my brother wasnt able to do...and truely find my own new and different way? It's just a question to the universe not really needing an answer.MAybe I need to ask the questions more than I need to get the answers because I know the right answer is experiencial in nature. My questions are baby steps for myself so I keep asking.

[Meh]

Thinking about how our relational patterns with others is part and parcel of ones relational patterns to the world at large, additionally how we relate to ourselves is brought into our relationship with other.

[Meh]

BPD

Started wondering tonight if I have borderline personality disorder. I was reading about it then thought (hay maybe I have this).

Don't like the idea of it though because it sounds like a permanent disease.

[Meh]

All relative of course, still I'm not feeling my regular screwed up confused self. Tonight I walked down to a place where I listen to music sometimes. I walked by the entrance, saw that it was busy, maybe a little more than typical and just didn't feel like going in. The feeling of having to be somewhere by myself feels different than it does to be somewhere with other people. It's almost like something is against some rule...the unwritten social rules...not allowed to go listen to music by myself cus I stick out like an uncomfortable sore thumb. So I just turned around went "home".

Maybe it's just a slump within a slump within a slump.

I'm too tired to hope. Hope is a pushy energy the feeling of being excited and propelled forward. I've never been haggard previous times in my life. I think haggard is it's own emotion because there is a facial expression that goes along with it. It's like when somebody is almost too tired to express despair or its sadness that has gone on for too long or who knows what. Its that broken by life look. I almost have it sometimes.

I'm just tired beyond tired and seeing a therapist makes me feel worse because it seems to reinforce that there really isnt help out there at all.  

[Meh]

Heck, I'm just "checking in". This morning I woke up with a combination of blatant clarity, resignation, calmness. As differentiated from trying, TRYING, figuring, MAKING, FORCING life to WORK! work...working...

It's not "good" this blatant clarity, calmness and resignation feeling. It's like being 90 years old sitting in a rocking chair on a porch watching the clouds drift westerly. creak creak creak....ssshhhhewww wind blowing by...sure throw in a tumble weed or two why not.

Three snow flakes

I'm good, that's all the checking in I need to do today. Working offline today, discovered something new.

[Meh]

My father has not reached a closeness to death yet. It is clear though that his health is declining dramatically and that he is not going to get better.

As taboo as it is the last couple of days I was thinking to myself that my father's decline is a wake up call to my own mortality and also that maybe conceptually the decline of a parent shows a passing of the torch.

My father only put limitations and rules on me but didnt challenge or cheer for or support or protect or teach skills and self esteem reliance to me. He just wasnt a father figure. Nor did he teach me that I should want something out of life for myself. I think my father wanted to mold me into the kind of wife he would want--based on his own insecurities and weaknesses. His impression of what a girl should grow up to be like and what she shouldnt be. In someways I think my father brain washed me.

Where was my childhood? It was a childhood of my own world not in positive relation to adults. Me to keep my father company and me for my mother to demand money from my father. There was no family at all.

I go to church and I see all the families, a small church and I AM the only person that sits alone. I hate it when we have to shake each other's hands...I dread this....I just want to be anonymous in a big city style where you don't have to know your neighbors. I'm afraid of togetherness in someways. (  more meant hear...write more another time)

I just wonder if I will feel freed by my father's eventual passing away?

I can't rekindle a relationship with my father during his illness because I'm still recouperating from what I grew up with. I don't want to slide backwards.

[Meh]

Today I have some heartache. Not sure what the source of it is. Just that dull sour feeling in my heart. Maybe it's lonliness. Maybe its the fact that I don't seem to be date-able right now if ever. I went in for a dumb data entry job skills test today in an office for a temporary data entry job that pays a very low wage and I'm already on the verge of carpel tunnel if I don't already have it. That is something I'm not feeling great about and even the Therapist says that all these odd temp jobs are not helping my self esteem at all. She is right about that.

Just wish I had something enlivening going on. Something that felt good. Cus it all feels like a drag. I'm a drag...maybe just need nap.

Been reading about 8 different dating/family relationships books some of them are very good but the more I learn the more impossible it appears that I will be anything then what I am (sort of messed up).

Try a nap, wake up see if I feel better.

[Meh]

"Mamma never told me" could be "Mamma never showed me"

Doing an intensive relationship study. Along the lines of voicelessness and what contributes to it is not just the Narcissistic person but the way my family dynamics were. The "family" group as a whole never talked together as a group. There was an odd and unclear haphazard way that decisions were made often drivin by the N it seems. Some families really do all talk together in group settings maybe they BBQ together, all sit in the car together and chit chat. My "family" never ever did any of this. My personality came out of this and maybe my personality sucks.

[Meh]

The need for family never goes away no matter how old a person is. It's not as if one only needs family when they are a child.

[Meh]

Just checking in, weird that I do this. I have nobody real to check in with, except for maybe the therapist. Whats the point.

Today I'm in a funk more then usual, I woke up from sleep with a strange pain, then this morning I woke up from a nightmare that made my heart go pitter patter. Dreamt that I was house sitting, some people showed up being pushy claiming that they were scheduled exterminators but I knew they were not scheduled to be there. I called the police. But they ended up stabbing me with knives anyways. So I woke up. The whole time I kept thinking during the dream that I should have handled the situation differently and I think that is the important part of the dream: that I know I could or should be handleing things differently but I don't because the correct actions are a little vague or out of reach. Anyways I feel so worn out, maybe I've been trying too hard. Reading too much out of boredom and inability to do much else. Since I don't have a car and money its hard to have friends to go do things with.

The therapist isnt helping at all. She says that patients state some kind of improvement when they have somebody to listen to them. But I don't just need somebody to listen and hear. Its just not enough.

I don't want to write anymore. I woke up this morning and yelled "I want to get out of here, I hate this place!" Just a funky day. But I think my worst days are the most honest days the rest of the time the truth is being delt with really, its submerged.

[Meh]

Went for a walk in the rain by the water, watched some birds dive and come back up in unison. Carried an umbrella the whole time.
My jeans got wet, I came back took them off and made some food and decaf coffee. I'm dead tired emotionally. I never was a part of a family growing up and I'm realizing that I won't even be part of a family at all. I'm homeless, unemployed, my father is sick, I really don't have a special skills except for the ones that I gained that were very job specific. Therapy isn't helping. So no wonder I find things to distract myself with, to distract my mind with. Thing is I want to face my problems I don't want to be distracted and confused and avoidant any longer but I honestly feel that I am not going to be able to tackle anything to my satisfaction. I'm not going to be satisfied with what ultimately is just my inability to deal with it all. I don't have special tricky cards up my sleeves.  

[Meh]

My mother called me this evening. The coversation was a conversation I've had with her probably 1,000 times. It's predictable and I can pretty much out talk her because of all the thinking I've done about my relationship with her. I can see something happening and the pattern is obvious but it's just a broken thing. Its a broken record. My mother actually find humour in my homelessness and that's a pretty harsh thing. I would call that an abusive attitude. I know people tend to steer away from the word abuse. Its been really hard for me to understand how my mother could take some kind of pleasure in my suffering.

I think its like she is taking out on me her own sense of neglect and lack, she feels that her mother did her wrong and she perpetuates it with me. Or something like that. I really don't know, somehow my aunt didn't turn out to be the kind of mother mine turned into. Mothers are supposed to provide nurturing.

When I talk with my mother on the phone its as if she is talking to somebody less mature and younger then I really am. Possibly I am not as mature as I could or should be but what I'm trying to say is I don't feel my actual age when she speaks to me.

I brought up some points that are significant to me. Even if she doesnt validate it, and I know there is no point in even discussing anything with her but still its part of me speaking my truth. I notice how when I have said something extremely important she continues to run on about her static scripted topic that she repeats every single time.
It also helps me to see why it has been so hard for me to pinpoint what is important because nobody else ever helped me to do that.