Boat's Cargo

[Meh]

So my mother helped my tyrannically alcoholic brother buy a house, he lives in it now I guess. It astounds me because he has never saved money in his life. The most he could ever manage to save up for was for a used motorcycle. That has pretty much been his mentality, drugs, motorcycles...

They were talking about it but I thought it was all talk. Now that my brother does nothing but sit on his ass and he doesn't have a driver's license because of too many DUI's....he can't get in trouble--otherwise he would lose the house.

  

[Meh]

A while ago I visited this social worker who was younger than me and pretty rude. She gave me another person's phone number in the same office who was their "employment" specialist. The "employment" specialist wanted to look over my resume. I showed it to her and she didn't find anything wrong because I've already had it reviewed 3 or 4 times. The employment specialist literally told me that the state and government is bankrupt. I mean I know that, I listen to the news on the radio and this is not new news.

She pointed to a computer work station in their office for job searching. After coming in a few days and using the computer the office changed their policy and told me that I could only use it at a certain time because they have an intern who works there and signs up college students for foodstamps on the computer that sits adjacent to the job search computer.

Basically they don't like that I'm coming in to use the computer that often. They said that the intern is discussing confidential information with people. Every conversation in that office I can hear and it's all confidential. I hear people residence info, medical issue info. Nothing in the office is confidential so that's hardly valid.

So today I was using the computer and I went past the idiotic time that I'm supposed to use it because the intern wasn't even there. The receptionist at the front desk came back and rudely told me to get off of the computer. I left--the two computers empty. So I figure I will just go ahead and let them rudely kick me off of the computer that was intended for the purpose I'm using it for.

[Meh]

It was the end of 2009 that I started to write here on this board. Just looked at my profile info to check cause I have no good grasp of time. When I read other people's stories on here about their relatives behavior that is when I thought it described my mother very very well.

Got to admit though I'm burnt out on focusing on the dysfunction in my family. The truth is there is just way too much to process. It will never be processed. In the end I'm going to be so old by the time I feel like I've got it straight it just won't flicking matter anyhow. Sigh. Maybe if only I could have a hobby like long distance bike riding. (that doesnt really appeal)
Just something like playing cards, doing magic tricks, anything, something to obsess over. Other than this.
I've had them in the past all spontaneously finding me. But now it's like nothing really. Why do I feel this way? Am I getting old?

guess Im saying this because it's been an unfurling and i wonder really it must be okay for it to be sort of a slow process maybe.
I'm way more detached sort of I think. Or maybe a little bit more realistic. Then again I feel that I have an odd sense of reality that not many people share. The darker something is the closer to the truth I feel like I'm getting. Who wants to walk down that never ending hallway though.

Sometimes I just want to flush it all out with some clean water, sort of flood and irrigate a scrabble board of all it's pieces...no more puzzle parts just gently irrigate until it's just clean. Maybe I've been trying to scrub myself of all my families problems. It's such a horrible way to spend one's time isnt it? I mean I'm not knocking it, I do think it's valuable. It's just that wow this in itself is starting to feel like it's own mental illness, this thinking about what is wrong. It still stems from the feeling that I have and that a lot of other people here have that somehow we are just bad, flawed, unlovable, unheard, have nothing to say, no story, are invisible etc.

I'm really just writing this because I was thinking today about how I wish I had figured this out maybe 10 years ago. I don't know if that is really possible. Sometimes I feel dumb for taking so long to really get it. Then again I sort of chalk it up to the randomness of running across info and having certain experiences...can't really force that kind of thing into a timeline.

Not really processing very much right now. Sort of artificially holding myself up and out of a depression maybe. I think I have enough fear that it's preventing me from being depressed. I've got that feeling like as soon as I can really relax that I might collapse for days and days and just sleep. Then again I'm also rather bored with my personal situation.

No therapist I've talked to has ever sufficiently explained to me more about the big WHY? I know it doesnt make sense. I know life just isn't fair or rational. THERE is still some part of me after all of this that still says WHY?????

I'm tired so maybe I will sleep soon.

I mean learning that one's mother has a personality disorder or some such thing really is a major type of shift in perspective. Experiencing the innerchild work etc. Knowing that I might have a personality disorder although never have been diagnosed.

I mean is it part of the Narcissistic glamour that I feel that I'm really really f'ed up. Sometimes I see that they are f'ed up other times I think that I'm really f'ed up. Are we all really this f'ed up? Is it me, is it them, is it all of us (me and them) or is it even ALL of us, me and the postman too. All sort of insane.

Is my life a reflection of how f'ed up I am or is it just circumstances AND does it all shift when I leave for a few hours and go volunteer.
I haven't been volunteering but I miss the change in perspective.

Still think about moving out of state. I don't want to be alone. And I also feel like if only I could put some literal separation it would help.

Like maybe I really could be a different person in a new place. Like when a kid goes away to summer camp and it's the most time they have spent away from their family, when they get back home there is this feeling of confidence at having been away.

Can we get away? Do we carry it with us? Is there a magic fast track.

Part of the problem is this is all a model of unhealthy. Some people I think hem and haw and deliberate within a model of healthy. There is no fix to unhealthy. The fix is to stop. It's like smoking cigarettes. There isn't a better way to hold the cigarette, not a better  place in which to smoke, not a better brand, not a correct smoking jacket, not a better friend to smoke with the only thing to do really is just to stop smoking. Same thing with women who leave alcoholics or abusive boyfriends etc.

[Meh]

Yesterday, I went hiking again. I can catch a bus out to a place where I can go for a hike it's rather nice. There is a stream I can sit by and chill out. The forest has a weird sort of surreal look to me. I never used to be this way but I guess my life is so myopic now that when I get out in nature it just all seems like a weird dream.

I've come to complain as usual. So go ahead and don't read it.

I just wanted to state about my blankets. See sometimes I forget how old I am. Often I feel like I'm a teenager or something. I'm really not living an adults life. An adults life includes some sort of real autonomy and use of some type of skill etc. Some sort of expression of competence. Well none of that is happening. So I'm complaining about it. I think that "complaining" actually keeps my mind into some sort of alignment or else I begin to accept.

Yes, for me I imagine that complaining is a way of pushing something away.

When I came here I was given blankets. Yes it's very nice blah blah. Truth is I have paid for them when I pay money to stay here. They were also used. One is solid bubble gum pink. There is a quilt that is pink with little pink flowers. There are a set of sheets that have little pink baby-dolls on it. Baby dolls with weird vapid eyes wearing bonnets and aprons.

It's fine if you are cold you are cold! Or maybe I should say if I'm cold I'm cold!

It's fine for a week. It's not fine as a real life style.

That's all, I'm just reminding myself that I am not a baby doll. A vapid one.

[Meh]

Well there is one thing I can say to myself and say it often: this incarnation has some very unusual lessons to teach me...and that would be a comforting thought if I believed in reincarnation. If only I had been raised on that maybe it would all be easier.

[Meh]

Wanted to come and just write to myself etc. The question about the difference between Narcissistic and Histrionic had gotten me thinking about the text book and ICD 10 descriptions of these things. The avoidant personality resonates with me somewhat. I mean I don't hide behind trees when someone is walking down the sidewalk.

If I have it, it's probably relatively mild.

I just don't want to start conversations at church, don't want to shake their hands. Going up to people I don't know and introducing myself. I don't do it. I mean I really really detest it.  It does feel like a weird fault that I shouldn't have at my age. A lot of other people don't have it.

[Meh]

So I know that I've gotten into this whole complain type thing. For myself I think it's valid.

On the other hand I remember a time when I wasn't like this. When I was more interested in hobbies or life and learning and adventure etc. After being around a bunch of critical people at work for years I think it just rubbed off on me.

So I thought maybe I have to really intentionally balance the two. Just have time each day where I am not thinking about what needs to be solved and what is wrong.

I know it sounds simple but I feel guilty as if I'm not working hard enough unless I'm always trying to solve something.

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Different thought:

Oh heck, really I should just stop thinking for a bit. Had too much coffee probably.

I'm totally under-stimulated. Also haven't felt a full on relief for a long time--just that time where one really relaxes and knows things are just okay. That feeling that (I'm safe and there is not some impending problem)

I can kind of step away and see myself worried and stuck, I'm not sure that I'm {not doing enough}.

It's like I have been on a plane trip lay over that has lasted WAY TOO LONG. How can this be it.

[Meh]

So to be honest yes I have had to borrow money from my NPD mother. I'm embarrassed to say so. Especially at my age. Other people could borrow money from their family though without it being an issue. It's so that I can stay in the living situation I am in--one that I don't wish to be in but that is simply better than some alternatives.

I can see myself. How being in a bad spot in life makes me more vulnerable and IN the sick relationship. It's sort of a fact of life for me right now though.

The truth is my Nar mother hasn't done anything new or bad....it's the same similar little bits of verbal abuse. Its just that it's taken a really long time for me to come out of the fog of the family and understand how messed up it was. After I leave that behind, and face my own life on it's own separate screen....then my personal movie scares me as well. I sort of thought I was doing good when I had a decent job going BUT I was rather lonely and maybe didn't even know it. {I'm FINE!, I'm INDEPENDENT!, I can do everything ALONE!}

In some ways I don't care though. My family didn't pay for a wedding or pay for me to finish college or buy me a car etc.

It's not like I've ever had a wedding registry. There are plenty of times when people just get stuff.

I don't want to be needing resources from my mother though. Part of me just says screw it though because she helped my brother buy a house and I'm just trying to survive and stay off the streets--so I just take it and pay my rent here. Yeah. I have to pay rent.

Sometimes I wonder if I got here in this space/place in life because of some sort of unconscious happening. That and combined with just random events in life.

What if I was living a persona that I didn't 100% want to be. I'm was like a left over from the women's lib generation-
I don't need anybody
I can do it ALL myself
I'm happy alone
I never want a family
I never want to be married
Life is easier and SAFER alone
I value my career above everything else
I'm a professional
work and hobbies are enough to fill my life

Now I feel like I'm pigeon holed into that mentality BUT I'm not even that person anymore. I told myself I'm alone by choice BUT maybe I was lying to myself and just didn't realize it.

I assumed all of these things-- it was like a persona that played itself out too long, I was getting bored with my job, realized that I was saving money and I didn't really know what for.

I didn't take the promotion then lost my job, economy dumped, became depressed...related to the Narcissism issue because I was experiencing it at work as well-- I thought {I'm a grown up, not a little child, adults are more mature, I will never experience again the things that I did when I was a kid} boy was I wrong.

[Meh]

My response to TwoPenny post about friendships:
Just put it here so I don't hijack her thread. 

People have different styles.

I mean what is a friend...it's just a relationship that maybe doesnt have the same depth of entanglement as family of origin stuff--and without the intensity of romantic/love/sexual relationships.

I'm not too excited about labeling you over sensitive---but Nah I wouldn't take any of it personally. People are random and have
distractions, sometime people befriend with a motive and once it's fulfilled the friendship isn't relevant anymore etc.

Maybe it's some of both, a little bit you and a little bit them.


I've only had a few long-term friends. Lots can change in life. I find that my own maturity has lead me to not identify sometimes with friends that I had when I was younger. Also for me, some of my friends from highschool etc. They are doing so well, married to doctors, go on sail boat outings, buy their second house etc. Often times I just assume they won't like me because our life experiences are maybe too different. People evolve.

There are people I know from high school who have best friends....you know they are each other's bride maids and they have been friends for years. Maybe I just moved too much or maybe it is my social avoidant things.

To me it seems that when people are in high-school or college there is more openness in forming friendships or something. It seemed like meeting people just happened back then. Spontaneous events that were fun...going over to somebody's house and having a sleep-over etc.

I feel like older people sometimes with children or without get very self involved with all the details of family OR the details of work. Maybe people really are busy. Who knows.

But no, people ARE random....

Sigh, I spend energy just trying to keep people away from me. I just want to relax. I live with a bunch of meth addicts and alcoholics and one person that I get a weird pedophile vibe from...and then there is the person who jumped out the window...and was taken away in ambulance. I've been on major KEEP TO MYSELF MODE...I know they are all people too but I'm just not interested in it. I've been playing KEEP AWAY.

I would like to be around people that I no longer feel like I'm working so hard to keep at a distance. Just the (waiting to exhale) feeling. They do exist. It's hard for me to meet people though. Maybe I should make more effort

Oh well, cest la vie. It was a good question. I've wondered it also in the past probably because I envy people who have life long bride maids friends.  

The people I know who have had long term friends are better at creating that friendship space. I just don't have that...when I meet people...I'm stand offish. I can't help it it's just how I see the world and feel I guess. I guess I assume that they don't like me and I'm not sure if I really like them etc. It sounds childish.

Some people are so good at approaching others with a friendly vibe.

What is the friendship space anyways? You know it's like a certain atmosphere that one or more people create/embody that is pleasant, inviting, easy.

[Meh]

Just thinking out loud. I know, been writing to much on here maybe. I find that sometimes I really just need to feel like I have clarified something, like I really need to say it more than once just so I can be clear.

I see how I HAVE slowly come to understand things better over the past 3 years. The dynamics are a little more clear but I know there is probably more that I don't get.

Processed but didn't read a ton about psychology itself. Now I sort of want to read more about it.

I know I've complained about the therapists I've seen but I did tell the last 2 about the Narcissism and the therapists didn't even respond to that at all. It was like--"okay that's a shame now moving on....lets give you some antidepressants". The therapists for whatever reason did not want to touch the Narcissism...and I wonder if it's because their level of training doesn't prepare them for it.

I still feel like I do need to address it so I guess I should just read more. I want to read the "Malignant Self Love" book- it's not at my library so I will just have to wait until I can find a copy.

I know there are the cliches of "don't play the victim" and "you are responsible for your own actions, your own life etc."
Isn't almost mean to say these things in a context of like this study:

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/11154711

Then there are other people that say "It's not your fault, and you couldn't have done anything about it because you were powerless"

I mean (my) PERSONALITY formed when I was powerless so even though I have real problems now I didn't create all of it and it's not all my fault. I do however feel like this is very much my fault and I'm being punished for being stupid and bad and not trying hard enough. Like somehow (I) alone am supposed to miraculously overcome all of this.

Now I see that there are just ups and downs and I just hope that another up time comes again.  

I mean some people try to say Narcissism is even genetic instead of just being abuse. BUT how can they say that because they haven't isolated the narcissistic gene to my knowledge. You know there is so much disinformation to sort through.
I've had some people try to say that even therapists try to say that some people just have certain types of personality REGARDLESS of family--so I've had therapists tell me it is NATURE instead of nurture. I don't think this is right --and there is information out there that says otherwise but what info is right? I almost feel that the therapists avoidance of even touching on the Narcissism stuff and them trying to tell me its just NATURE...MAKES it easy for them...so all they would have to do is hand out pills. I feel let down. It's not what I needed. I need an expert who knows a lot more than I do about Narcissism. Oh well. READ READ READ

There is family disinformation
Personal disinformation
Then there is source/reference/conceptual disinformation


I read that children of Narcissist sometimes become Narcissists themselves or that the children have less than healthy Narcissism. I know I asked this before I said somewhere "So what is it when a person doesnt have a healthy sense of Narcissism"----Why isn't this a condition.

**Low Self Esteem** just doesnt seem strong enough or solid enough AND it applies to too many things.

Well I'm just going to make it up. Narcissistic deficit disorder. OR Narcissistic deficiency. I mean I think I'm doing much better with it BUT I remember my father encouraging me to be SHRINKING. TO NOT want anything, not ask for anything etc.
It wasn't healthy.

[Meh]

You know I mean what if I am socially avoidant, narcissistic in someways, narcissistically deficient in otherways and maybe some OCD because look how much I have thought about this for freaken gods sake--how long.

Feh, I mean what the heck is the point of any of it anyways. Everybody has some kind of personality disorder behavior.

I could say that my father has paranoid personality disorder, socially avoidant disorder, alcoholism, and narcissistic deficit disorder

I could say that my mother is a narcissist, co-dependent on alcoholic, dependent type personality disorder

I could say that my brother has antisocial personality disorder, alcoholism and other substance abuse

Soooo .....where to go from here.....ahhhhh.....who cares sometimes you know what I mean?

[Meh]

Maybe trigger isn't the best term because it means a minor insignificant event that causes a large reaction. I'm really talking about real significant events in current life that maybe tests me beyond what I am ready to deal with. Things happening now that almost sucks one back into time and all the progress one may have made in feeling better is then undone. It feels like losing a battle when it happens.

Thinking about how sometimes one can start to feel okay in one's own life...but that it is so easy to become triggered at work or in some social situation.

If these people are not all-out personality disordered people which is only a small percentage of society. There are a lot of people who use the techniques like relational aggression, gas lighting, verbal abuse, invalidation, scapegoating. It is just very very common.

So are "healthy/normal" people not effected by Personality Disordered people. I mean get a bunch of personality disordered people in a room together and what happens.

Get a bunch of normal people in a room together and what happens.

Then mix them both up in a room together the normals and the disordered--what happens.


Okay, how about this one: What if we take a NORMAL well adjusted adult and immerse them in a commune type community that is populated by diagnosed personality disordered people for a few years. Would the normal person develop a personality disorder?

I'm just wondering how long does it take for a person to develop a personality disorder and if it only happens within the window of childhood.

I mean do the people who come back from war with PTSD are then experiencing a form of personality disorder?

[Meh]

Are adult-onset personality disorders sometimes misdiagnosed as PTSD???

PTSD sounds milder than saying that a whole bunch of soldiers are coming back with personality disorders.

Just wondering. I mean are they really just stressed out and traumatized or have they been impacted on a personality level.

When do we know when a fundamental personality change or shift has happened? Does it only happen in childhood?

I just read that Borderline personality disorder co-occurs often with PTSD.

Or maybe they had personality disorders before they went off to war and then when they came back they were diagnosed with PTSD.

[Meh]

Do people who have narcissistic deficit syndrome see everyone who has healthy narcissism as being "arrogant"

Does Buddhism seek to eliminate narcissism altogether and cause unhealthy narcissistic deficit.

[Meh]

Term "like crazy"

It's raining like crazy.

Maybe people just decide that something is crazy when it's out of control.