Father with cancer and narcissistic mother

[finding peace]

Hi Lucky,

I had a different situation, my NF had terminal cancer and I had a NM as well.

In your situation, I would follow a lot of what is said here.

Focus on you and your health, and the health of your immediate family as a priority (partner/children if this is the case).  From what you have written, it sounds to me like your father is the last person who would want you or yours to suffer for him?

Focus on what you want to give your father and what you want to remember as your last days with your father if he is terminal. (I am so sorry if this hurts or sounds harsh – I was in such denial when my father died, I couldn’t focus on what was happening let alone what came after – not that you are there, just my experience.)

You decide how you want this time with your father to go, and don’t let anything interfere with that.    

To borrow Hopsy’s analogy, imagine your mother as a gale-force wind that you have the strength to stand tall in (and you do) while that wind splits harmlessly to either side of you.  

IME, ignore her as best you can; if you can’t just say “OK M.”  

I’ve found it takes the steam out of them because in their mind you are agreeing with them.

Even if we don’t agree – ultimately it gives her what she wants without compromising yourself, and hopefully, the situation won’t escalate into something you may not have the energy to deal with right now.  

IME, if in her mind, you are ambivalent to her need, she will come back for more; if you directly argue, she will become voraciously addicted to you and come back for much, much more.  

If you give her the guise of agreeing, she will leave you alone (that was my experience in dealing with Ns until I went NC, even though it doesn’t feel honest to say “OK” because everything is not OK – and that is how I felt – it got them off my back – and I needed that – the situation was so stressful in and of itself – dealing with an N on top of it – no words!).

If you need to, throw her an OK bone that gets her away from you (I have found it is the best you can do with dealing with an N if you don’t want them to go nuclear – unless you go NC – and even then they can go nuclear!)

One exception to this, if your NM becomes dangerous to you/yours or your father (and I had this happen when my father was dying); then, unfortunately, it is time to step up and handle it as best you can.

She is nothing more than a palm-full of sand that when your fingers open, she falls through.

If she is anything like my parents, this time will become her time.

It is not her time.

It is yours and your relationship with your father.

I am so sorry.  I know how difficult it is when one we love has terminal cancer.

Much, much  love and strength to you,
Peace

[Lucky]

I hope my mother will take real good care of my father and does not complain too much to guilt trip my father. It must be horrible to be so ill and have your partner make you feel guilty because of it.

[sKePTiKal]

Lucky, you just scared the crap out of me! If your mom is doing this... and even if you think your mom will do this to your Dad... do him and yourself a favor: call Hospice and see if you can set up regular visits.

Hospice has seen & heard just about everything. They can begin working with your Dad - you - and even your Mom, before the very end. The advantage here, is that being an impartial 3rd party - your mom will have to be on her best behavior, and it keeps you just that much more out of conflict with Nmom.

Good luck, hon!! If your mom questions you about why you called them, just tell her the goal of Hospice is to help everyone - including her - by providing moral support.

[Guest]

Lucky

one thing: if you are able, see what your Dad wants, how he copes with his illness, how he reacts to your mother, what he needs and if you can, help him by trying to arrange what he wants.

By that I mean this: your mother may behave in ways which make you feel angry/hurt/upset on your Dad's behalf. BUT what matters to your Dad is how he feels. He may not feel guilty (you may think he does, but he may be playing to your mother?).

Trust your heart too.

[finding peace]

PR – excellent advice!

We called in hospice, and it was a 3rd party to whom my mother could not play her games.

The hospice person was wonderful. 

I can’t even remotely express how grateful I was to have her there. 

She was there 24/7 if we needed her.

And we needed her.

Love,
Peace

[BonesMS]

PR – excellent advice!

We called in hospice, and it was a 3rd party to whom my mother could not play her games.

The hospice person was wonderful. 

I can’t even remotely express how grateful I was to have her there. 

She was there 24/7 if we needed her.

And we needed her.

Love,
Peace

(((((((((((((((Peace)))))))))))))))))))))

[Lucky]

We are a one and a half / one and three quarters of an hour drive away. How to dealt with that? My husband and I have very busy lives but ofcourse I want to stay on top of things.

[Hopalong]

I think you figure out the visit interval that works for you.

I remember when my father was dying I left one city at around 3pm each Friday (got permission from an employer who had his values in), arrived here around 730, stayed up all night with him (Hospice didn't come on weekends), caught a nap the next day, stayed up all the next night, returned to the city late Sunday...and kept that up for six months. Worked nearly the equivalent of 2 FT jobs during the week for the whole time.

It was GRUELING. But I have never regretted one moment of it.

(And my mother did not interfere with my farewell care of him. She was sidelined by an osteoporotic fracture.)

You might find that a visit once a month where you are able to really concentrate on being present with him, will do the same.

Hops

[finding peace]

Hi Licky,

I lived about 45 min - 1 hour away, and made myself ill trying to keep up and be there for him.

To quote hopsy:

It was GRUELING. But I have never regretted one moment of it.

It is hard.  I think the best thing might be to try and find a balance as best you can without making yourself ill or neglecting your needs - if you can.

In our case hospice did come on the weekends, but he was very ill at that point.

Much love to you,
Peace

PS - Bones, thank you so much for the hugs ((((((((((((((((((Bones)))))))))))))))))))

[BonesMS]

Hi Licky,

I lived about 45 min - 1 hour away, and made myself ill trying to keep up and be there for him.

To quote hopsy:

It was GRUELING. But I have never regretted one moment of it.

It is hard.  I think the best thing might be to try and find a balance as best you can without making yourself ill or neglecting your needs - if you can.

In our case hospice did come on the weekends, but he was very ill at that point.

Much love to you,
Peace

PS - Bones, thank you so much for the hugs ((((((((((((((((((Bones)))))))))))))))))))

You're welcome, ((((((((((((((((((Peace)))))))))))))))))))

Bones

[Hopalong]

I agree with TT...if you step up to the point that you endanger your own health, that's no solution.

I sort of did (push myself past the healthy point), but I was driven by something else, too...
I had always yearned to be closer to my Dad but my Nmother's reflexive:
--jealousy (part of her Nism), and
--desire to keep us apart (unconscious but completely misplaced protectiveness--belatedly I understood it was because her own father was not trustworthy with daughters)

...had been successful. My Dad was a self-effacing man who would never have "stood up to" my mother to demand more time or more of a relationship with me. He wasn't that attuned to why she was so interfering and dominating. I felt grief and frustration at times over his distance (though I always knew he loved me).

So at the close of his life, being able to spend that time with him and make such a difference (and her, too) ... was very healing for me. It also solidified me as an adult in my own eyes. And gave me comfort afterward, knowing I had treated them as I believed.

Sorry to hijack, Lucky...keep posting about your own situation.
Every one is unique.

Hops

[Lucky]

My father's condition is deteriorating and I feel terrible about it. Is it so that for "us" a very ill / terminal parent is worse than it is for others? Other people are acting a bit like it is the most normal thing and that one should really not be so upset about it. That is the impression I am getting anyway.
My hair has started to fall out like crazy again because of the stress.

[Hopalong]

Aww, Lucky.
Of course you're not weird to feel so intensely about this.
You are facing a loss, and of the one parent who DID show you love, right?
That's a powerful loss. You will survive it, but you will feel its power.

I wonder if the stress you feel is wired to a part of you that feels you
ought to be able to FIX everything. Or if you're gripped by the fear of
the loss that is coming. It's the loss of control...?

We know death is inevitable, but maybe daughters of Nish mothers
feel not "normally" abandoned by the other (kinder) parent's death,
but terrifyingly abandoned. So reacting however you react, makes
perfect sense. Nobody else's business to judge it.

I do recommend one book to you, strongly. A sweet and easy
read that literally can help you profoundly. When Things Fall Apart
by Pema Chodron.

Keep on posting, vent that stress and fear here...it will help.

You have inner calm and inner strengths you haven't discovered.

(And...it doesn't matter what other people think, or what remarks
they make. You are entitled to your own experience and your own
feelings and your own reality. You may want to change your own
reality to help yourself feel better...and that's good. But not to
be more like others--to be more like your stronger self.)

love and comfort,
Hops

[Lucky]

Yes, my father has always been the softer, more patient en kinder parent. The more sensitive one with regard to an other's feelings.
That might be the reason yes why this is affecting me much.

[Lucky]

Thank you for your support Hopalong and Teartracks.
Maybe it is a bit of a control thing but is it not normal that one does not want to lose someone your love? Especially not in such a horrid way (wasting away, a lot of pain).