Today I called my mother just to ask her a non-important question really. It was like talking to a stranger sort of. Or a neighbor. And brief and empty. But maybe this is real for a lot of people. Maybe for a lot of people this is all they have between themselves and a relative.
My mother is visiting my grandmother who is in her 80's. She has Edema I guess, it sounds pretty gross. My mother says there is liquid sort of just coming out of her body in her legs and stuff because her heart isn't strong enough to pump normally or something like that. She has fallen down a few times and so forth. Has COPD.
I'm not super close to my grandmother. I don't know if I am sad about it. Or if I am just afraid for myself. Like afraid of being sick or old or just decay or of being alone. Was listening to music and all of a sudden just started crying. I don't even know what I am feeling, I wish I knew. Maybe I regret not having spent more time with these people. It didn't seem urgent or very important at the time that they were still healthy.
I feel like these are they types of situations were family is meant to come together.
I was not invited to go to the hospital. It is out of state. Still I don't know why this has always been the case of my mother and my aunt sort of doing everything amongst themselves.
Maybe I am just upset that their is physical and emotional distance between me and these people that have or are passing away. Maybe I am just torturing myself and shouldn't think about it at all. Maybe it just represents everything falling away
