Hops:
I'm sorry you're experiencing scary physical pains, and anxiety/fears.
My left shoulder radiates pain down my arm when I'm under great duress. It started when I was driving to my lovely B's funeral out of State. I think we hit a bird, and the pain started, just like that.
Feeling cold happens when I'm shocky, or low on vitamin Bs.
I still plan on seeing a regular MD, but can't tell you how life changed with the hip not hurting me. I'm happy happy, and grateful. Creativity is flowing again. I figured out how girls will take bus to downtown stop, and walk half a mile to a tea house where they'll do homework till I pick them up after my classes, which end at 6.
This is a huge improvement over Ubering from the bus stop closer to our house. They get to stretch their legs, then kick off their shoes, sit on pillows on the floor, and sip amazing tea blends in low lighting while plugged in and focused on homework. It's very quiet, like a library. They've done this before, during music lessons. Their tiny raspberry tea cakes are gf, and astonishingly good, IMO.
I'll have to figure dinner out ahead of time, and classes start at 10am so will that shouldn't be a problem. Will cooke ahead, so we just need to heat up when we get home.
About cultivating 3D community, Hops. It scares me to think about that, and how I SHOULD be doing it, HAVE it, be working on it. I don't have a lot, I don't. I look forward to having lunch with the Episcopal Priest... she's drove cross country with her husband over the summer, and I've been gone for weeks, so lots of catching up to do. I really like her.
We share similar ideas about friendship. Getting out, for us, is refreshing. Not too often, but for many hours when we go, and we love the tea house to start, then move to lovely lunches, with a lovely glass of wine. We don't have to be guarded around each other. We can share things we wouldn't feel safe enough to share certain things with. She's wiggled her toes in my moss, shared tea, and mommy food in my home, and it wasn't weird. I guess I should stop expecting things to BE weird.
What we fear will find us.
Hops, what would happen if you could stop fearing, and put all your energy into curiosity over what comes next? I don't expect you to answer that, unless you want to, but I think about all the energy we give to fear, and feeling tense about things we can't change. I don't want to DO that anymore.
I want to do other things.
We can't change everything, but we can notice what we're capable of impacting, make a plan, and execute.
About that lady shooting you the stink eye... how does that make you feel? Is there anything you can do to change that? Being the minority, IMO, means the courage it too you to stand up, and do the right thing, was even more heroic. It always upset me deeply when someone from my church honked at me in traffic, or snarled in a fast food line. What the heck? Really? All those personalities in one BIG room make me feel uncomfortable. I prefer to sit alone in church, or go to smaller services at night, or in the afternoon.
A friend joined a group to find new same sex best friends, and community building. She has her first meeting coming up. I'll let you know how it goes. She's excited about it.
Lighter