2019 Farm Life

[Hopalong]

((((CB)))) I really soaked in that advice about sticking to the thing you are setting or enforcing a boundary about. That repetition, without the analysis.

((((Amber)))) Loved the scene of your smile when Buck arrived. I wish Buck could arrive SOON. Y'all are going through a big test, waiting and waiting. But that's what grown-older folks do; we know that railing at time doesn't pass it any faster.

It does sound as though Holly's house will really help, when she's IN it. I'm glad you have a break this week while she works.

Hugs
Hops

[Twoapenny]

I'm reminded of people who believe in past lives whenever I hear about a couple who seem to know each other far better than would be thought normal after a relatively short space of time - couples who were together in the past and then find each other again in a new life.  It always makes me smile I hope you get to spend more time together soon, you sound like such a good fit xx

[lighter]

I have a friend who met his girlfriend at a meditation retreat.  He claims "their souls played together in a past life."

Maybe they did, maybe they didn't. 

It's a beautiful connection, either way.
Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

So, Buck spent 12 hrs in the ER yesterday; same hospital where he's been treated all this time. Luck of the draw - he got a doc that knows his business and didn't just turn him away with a couple ibuprofens.

Took a CT scan of the pump
Took a sample of fluid of the infection in the skin layers between the outside & pump; definitely infected - cellulitis as a result of staph infection.
Took a sample of serous fluid (abdominal cavity) - and results will take a few days.

But the end result, was he was released after midnight with a Rx for antibiotics in hand.

Which IMO, should've happened 4 months ago but the infection at that time was misdiagnosed as "dermatitis". (Without any samples tested.) You or I could walk into almost any urgent care shopfront, with an infection and get a Rx in about an hour.

But not veterans. Another vet - who worked for the VA for a decade or so - said it's well known (but not openly discussed) that DoD and Veterans hospitals usually partner with Medical University hospitals and that the patients are human guinea pigs. To me, this violates medical ethics, the little I've been acquainted with them, through the medical science departments at the university I worked at. In my value system, for sure, this isn't right.

IF B can get formally discharged - then he has access to the Tricare insurance and a lot more flexibility about choosing his own care providers. Next objective - check.

Everyone here is off working or whatever. Hol will be home Sunday. John is spending lots of time in DC museums. And there are several there, that are my favorites. I hope he hits the Freer and the Phillips. Steve is pretty much working through new years. It's just Freddy, me & Knuckles. Steve's dog Beeb, is staying with his mama's owner.

I've been indulging myself in sheer downtime. Yes, there are chores. Yes, there are projects. Yes I need to make some holiday decisions and get that off my plate. But I'm just doing the things I WANT to do, or have done, for right now. One of those things is baking Buck some of his favorite cookies. LOL.

Doing as much "not thinking" and "not analyzing" as I can stand. It's a pleasant change of pace and I needed a break.

[lighter]

Amber:

I can't express how relieved I feel over B's dx, and procurement of meds.   
WHoop whoop. 

I hope the other test results come back soon!

Very very cool: )
\
Ligther

[Hopalong]

I'm sooo glad you've had this peaceful downtime, Amber.
Long overdue. Hope the serenity sticks or your resolve to defend it does.
I bet it was bliss.

And what better news that B has a clear dx, meds, and a path forward.
Wow. No point seething about the VA, even though you're right. Y'all have
better things to do with newfound energies!

I hope too this means you will get to be together soon. It's never the wrong
season (imo) for a beach getaway, even if you spend the whole time cuddled
beside a fire pit.

Hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

You read my mind about the beach, Hops. I already know what is/isn't open that time of year, too. So it's no biggie for me to take that leap.

Well, 2 days in on the antibiotic - and he's having allergic reactions & major nausea to this specific formula. HOPEFULLY, it's not as serious as his allergy to the preferred A/B for this infection. My poor happy warrior, has decided he will try to ride this out for the 10 days... we both know it's his only chance at knocking down the infection and finally getting back on track with his pain management program. Adding benedryl to the pill schedule... sigh.

Despite being this sick, right now, he did something totally amazing last night. At least I think it is.

We were playing our goodnight text games... one upping each other on kiss emojis - LOL (yeah, we're 14 yrs old LOL) - and this whole wave of a feeling of BEING LOVED came across our telepathic connection. He won, I couldn't top infinity X 10 squared. It tossed me for a loop and made me (!) speechless. Usually, I'm feeling love for the other person in a relationship... and it's been so long since I felt this, I forgot it was missing in my life.

Last time I felt this, was 4 years ago this month - after Mike signed the last birthday card to me, that I got from him. That one knocked me ass for teacup too. And by then, it had been rare for years already - as M started sinking beneath the cancer.

Tell ya what, I know I CAN live a full life without that kind of love... but I'm pretty sure I don't WANT to. The fact it comes from a guy with one of "those" bad boy pasts, rough life, and will to survive almost everything... but who is also a quiet (he doesn't talk about it) scholar, artisan, and philosopher... who can live like the plains Indians or a mountain man (because he HAS)... is all the more fascinating to me.

I could've just let him slip away back to his normal life in June. I didn't even say goodbye the morning they left. He left me a note - and several other goodies. Some of which I didn't find until months later  LOL. That's the way I framed it with him anyway. This was fabulous, but I don't have a claim on you, vaya con dios. Obviously that didn't happen that way. And we both know that it may not be a long time, before no matter how hard we both fight together to keep him mobile and well - it's out of our control. But, I've already been warned, I need tango shoes and lessons. (So I can learn not to lead all the time... LOL.)

Yep; he done sent me over the moon again... and here I am babbling like a teenager with her first beau. LOL....

Contractor has been working like madmen on the Hut. Plumbing's been laid to the well & septic, joists & deck done for the main floor and all the 2nd level foam ICFs (forms) are here. They could pour those by Thanksgiving. Then, it's just rafters, doors & windows to close in, before the end of the year. Hol needs to get her wood stove ordered/picked out. She'll be home tomorrow - latest. No idea when we'll see Steve, until after New Years; he's working that much. John will be here and he & I are already working on T'giving menu. I'm going to try to get a local, organic turkey today. MAYBE we'll invite Matthew, but the holiday's approach seems to be activating all his issues from last year again. And neither Hol or I are up for a repeat of the experience we had last year.

We are VERY laid back about these kinds of gatherings. Wouldn't it be lovely if Buck's D spent the holiday with her other relatives and he was free to come visit? Hmmmmm. I need to work on that idea, maybe.

[Twoapenny]

You sound like such a good match, Skep.  Yes, we can all live without love but oh my days, it's so lovely when your heart does a pit a pat when the phone beeps

I hope this infection clears up.  I'm glad they did something but appalled at how they're treating him.  Unfortunately things are very similar here.  Many of our vets end up with PTSD, self medicate with booze or drugs and end up living on the streets.  People walk past them on their way to Remembrance parades to honour the dead.  No honour for the living.  Absolutely awful.  And healthcare tends to be what's cheapest and easiest rather than what's best for the patient.  I share your scepticism over the ethics of it all.  But hope something changes soon for Bcuk.  Have they told him when this discharge thing will be sorted out? xx

[sKePTiKal]

Haven't heard yet Tupp; on the official discharge. It's the gov't - and worse, military - so things move super-slow.

On top of the antibiotic needs, he's allergic to the specific one (which is probably the #2 choice for dealing with this infection, since he's highly allergic to #1)... so now he's taking benedryl, too. LOL. At least it's making him sleepy! He sleeps less than anyone I've known; and Mike would normally get by on 4 hrs a night.

I did suggest we might be able to figure out how to get him here for a long T'giving weekend. He's thinking on it. Still not confident enough about his medical situation yet to jump at the invitation and take a risk.

He is in amazingly good spirits, considering how he's being treated by these institutions. Yes, he has moments of being a total grumposaurus, but it's always just venting... and I don't see him taking his frustration out on anyone else. (One watches for things like that depending on what you grew up around.) More often, he finds ways to cheer himself up or distract himself - but he doesn't handle boredom well. When he's feeling well enough, he can handle it himself - it's when he physically can't get up & do, that he needs some engagement & entertainment.

Hol & Steve are expected back to the farm today - sometime. I am OK with it, but really really really enjoyed this "time off" from living with other people and their activity, needs/wants, etc. Also feeling a bit of the "company's coming" anticipation... even though they live here. LOL. I really sank right into my own "doing/being" these past few days... and am finally feeling rested again. I guess that means I should work harder on taking care of myself when they're around... consider that a boundary of sorts. Not the the solid-steel, never changes kind of boundary... but one that becomes the routine, for my own good - which can be dropped on occasion. For fun reasons, or need, in some actual REAL crisis situations. (Which are fewer than I think I perceive, many times.)

[Hopalong]

Over the moon is a happy place to be!
I'm so happy for you getting to feel that joyful connection.
And you two DO sound connected. Really connected.

I think the joy will flourish even more when the hobbits
and hangers-on are no longer in YOUR house, but in a
separate space. Haven't been entirely clear until recently
that people are bunking and cooking in your personal home,
but I know even my extravert side would go absolutely
bonkers with that much invasion.

Here's to rapid progress on the hut!
And on a hopeful process for B, who's so smart to endure
the allergy-Benadryl so he can take in the right antibiotic.

Much light,
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Haven't heard yet Tupp; on the official discharge. It's the gov't - and worse, military - so things move super-slow.

On top of the antibiotic needs, he's allergic to the specific one (which is probably the #2 choice for dealing with this infection, since he's highly allergic to #1)... so now he's taking benedryl, too. LOL. At least it's making him sleepy! He sleeps less than anyone I've known; and Mike would normally get by on 4 hrs a night.

I did suggest we might be able to figure out how to get him here for a long T'giving weekend. He's thinking on it. Still not confident enough about his medical situation yet to jump at the invitation and take a risk.

He is in amazingly good spirits, considering how he's being treated by these institutions. Yes, he has moments of being a total grumposaurus, but it's always just venting... and I don't see him taking his frustration out on anyone else. (One watches for things like that depending on what you grew up around.) More often, he finds ways to cheer himself up or distract himself - but he doesn't handle boredom well. When he's feeling well enough, he can handle it himself - it's when he physically can't get up & do, that he needs some engagement & entertainment.

Hol & Steve are expected back to the farm today - sometime. I am OK with it, but really really really enjoyed this "time off" from living with other people and their activity, needs/wants, etc. Also feeling a bit of the "company's coming" anticipation... even though they live here. LOL. I really sank right into my own "doing/being" these past few days... and am finally feeling rested again. I guess that means I should work harder on taking care of myself when they're around... consider that a boundary of sorts. Not the the solid-steel, never changes kind of boundary... but one that becomes the routine, for my own good - which can be dropped on occasion. For fun reasons, or need, in some actual REAL crisis situations. (Which are fewer than I think I perceive, many times.)

Definitely the right sort of boundary to have, Skep, and I guess it will be much easier when they have their own place ready - you can tell them to go home when it suits you   Lol.  It is tiring having other people around, however self sufficient they are, just because you are conscious they're there.  Even if you're not doing for them or interacting a huge amount, it's still other people and it means you can't just focus on yourself.  I had a good friend to stay, honestly, she's just lovely, but after three days I was happy to see her off.  You just can't be quite as free. I usually take my bra off as soon as I get home but I was conscious of her being there so I did say do you mind if I do.  She said of course not, and then later on in the evening was shifting about on the sofa.  Turned out she was sitting on it lol.  The next night she was uncomfortable again and she said, "Am I sitting on your bra again?"  But I still had it on at that point, lol, it turned out to be one of the cat's toys  

Buck's approach sounds sensible, given the lack of control you both have over the situation.  It maddens me that people are treated so badly.  But once you've done as much as you can, what else can you do?  I really hope he gets well enough to get together with you at some point, Skep, you both deserve a bit of fun and r and r xx

[sKePTiKal]

annnnnddd...

I had a bit of a freak out. Of all things, over how intense and constant that connection is between B & I. How deep and natural it all seems. Cold feet? I know I thought I should just end the whole thing now and save both of us the later frustration/irritation. And it wasn't anything he said or did... it just came over me that he was too much in my head space.

That's led to a film-strip review of old memories just popping up willy-nilly out of context.

So, I guess I'm going to have to sit with this awhile. I couldn't even write about it and sort it out. I have absolutely no idea what's gotten under my saddle this time or why.

But it's the time of year when I turn inward anyway, and this is as a good a subject matter to occupy myself with; pondering all the different sides of it. It could just be that my "project manager" hasn't graphed out all the things that will need to happen, and the meetings haven't taken place or practical details negotiated, discussed and agreed to yet. So lots of "future fog" in trying to get a picture of what it might be like.

And while Hol & I can honestly talk about - and laugh about - the difficulties in our current situation (for which I'm immensely grateful) not everyone is capable of that. She's having a similar difficulty with Steve who simply doesn't talk about himself - past, present or future. He just IS, in the moment. B isn't that self-absorbed or contained; he communicates very well and is vulnerable and open with me. But I'm just clueless right now, about what I want to ask for, from him. It's real; it's kinda a big deal; but it's not consciously verbal yet.

And that particular personal characteristic of mine is beginning to irritate me no end. It's like I feel like I don't matter enough or am important enough to even know what to ask for - much less to feel I have the right to ask for whatever it is. So much so, that I have to even hide it from myself so I don't unconsciously let it slip out and draw down the ire of the one who reacts: "How DARE you?" Meh. Talk about ancient hieroglyphic neural pathways....

So my instinct is to hide/bury all that kind of stuff - be as invisible as possible - to "stay safe".

And it's only because of how intimate we're becoming with each other - albeit at a distance, through conversation. That can be the ONLY logical explanation. From what I can currently see.

[Twoapenny]

Skep, I think you're wise to just sit with it and let it be what it is for a while.  The answer(s) will pop up at some point.  Being happy (or the prospect of being happy) can be scary - lots of good things can if we're kind of hard wired to expect life to be hard, unforgiving, relentless and so on.  And maybe this bit of downtime you've just had (while H was away) has let some 'stuff' float up to the surface.  Logistics are hard work - it's long distance, he's not well, this whole crazy situation with the medical stuff and the army discharge, plus your house, Holly's house, the endless visitors - phew!  I'm always exhausted just reading your threads so for you to be living in it must give your brain a million things to think about.  So I think you're right - just sit tight, get on with what you do, observe, think, feel - but no dumping Buck, I think this wobble will wibble itself out xx

[lighter]

Sometimes we find something, and want it so much, need it so badly.... enjoy it so deeply..... there's going to be some residual fear it won't last, or be OK.  It might not be real, etc.

That's human, and it's also neural pathways, emotions and sensations we can find in our bodies, identify, and calm down... soothe.  Quiet.  Override,  IME. Replace.

You're reacting, maybe, to things you  haven't put your finger on yet.  Maybe.

I wonder if shifting into observer mode, and becoming very curious about what you're feeling, will bring helpful answers....
maybe.

Something's pinging for you. 

Something needs attention.

That's Ok. 

Tend to these things, and see what they have to say.

Lighter

 

[Hopalong]

((((Amber))))
For what it's worth, what jumped out at me was "intensity."

I think intensity for its own sake has both bright and dark sides, in my own experience anyway.

While intense intelligence or passionate connection are big draws to a certain kind of personality, I find I can suddenly feel like collapsing into my socks I'm so drained. And then I recoil or pull away until I'm solid enough to enjoy it again.

I'm discovering for the first time the joys of being comfortable, with a softer ebb and flow. A lighter touch (emotionally and otherwise). A sense of, I dunno, love as a hammock rather than a roller coaster, a thriller, a survival story.

None of these metaphors would fit you and B, but do you think you might just be experiencing a temporary surfeit of intensity? Doesn't mean anything bad about your relationship if you are...maybe just that under the stress/drama of LDRs, plus his illness, routine interactions can become so charged that they can suddenly overload one.

Just a thought. I sense there's something in it but dunno, dunno....

Hugs
Hops