Author Topic: Relationship  (Read 3130 times)

Twoapenny

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Re: Relationship
« Reply #270 on: October 12, 2019, 04:51:08 AM »
Well, this is a different take, odd but kind of neat.

Remember how I've mentioned that M's restless hands drive me crazy, his fingers always twiddling and jumping so that it's unpleasant for me to hold hands with him?

Just on a hunch I ordered him one of these and loves the thing!
https://www.fidgetland.com

He had it with him at a recent event we went to and kept it busy the whole time and genuinely seems to benefit. He even mentioned to me that he "tries so hard" to remember not to grab my hand and the fiddler has helped. He laughs about it but I was surprised he actually had it on hand. And his little comment made me recognize that he really isn't being purposefully oblivious but actually struggles.

I think maybe he's had the hyperactive kind of ADD his whole life and never been helped at all with it. He also clearly has the hyper-focus part, which helps his career...and maybe some more ADD techniques will ease some of the manic behavior I find so challenging.

He's joked about it a lot but seems ironically delighted I got it for him.

Hops-a-D....D

Hops my son used to leap around a lot when we were out walking - I used to put rocks in his backpack because it calmed his system down.  Perhaps you could try it with M :)  Lol, only kidding, the fidget thing sounds like a great idea.  It made me wonder if M (and you!) might benefit from an assessment with someone who specialises in sensory difficulties?  I don't know what you would call someone like that in the States; they are few and far between in the UK but virtually all of my son's problems are sensory in their origins and the advice we've had about ways to help calm his system and keep him level have been really helpful.  Just thought I would mention it in case it helps; I'm glad the fidget thing has helped and that he was happy you got it for him.  I guess it's a sign to him that you really want things to work and are trying to find ways to make that happen, which would make anyone happy :) xx

lighter

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Re: Relationship
« Reply #271 on: October 12, 2019, 11:18:36 AM »
That's a really great thought, Tupp.  Sometimes we spend time focused on a problem, and can't see the forest for the trees.  Finding a cause seems like the logical place to start with any issue we're trying to solve,  IME.

Hops, what a wonderful gesture.  To offer a concrete act of care in your mission of support for the relationship, and M's struggle.

I'm a big fan of being proactive, particularly with childcare, and soothing ourselves in adulthood. 

I have things to occupy my hands when in public, traffic, in the house.... so does my sister.   

Some people bite their nails, fidget, etc.

We can be life learners if we're able to look honestly at what's working and what needs tweaked. 

I think M knows you're a tremendous asset and partner, Hops.

Lighter

Hopalong

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Re: Relationship
« Reply #272 on: October 12, 2019, 01:03:47 PM »
Thanks, guys. You are so thoughtful and supportive, it blows my mind.

I think I won't explore new kinds of "treatment" or "evaluation" for M at this point, mainly because I've already got the poor man into two kinds of therapy -- his own T, and soon our couples T.

But gradually it might be useful to give him more info on ADHD (not that he couldn't look it up himself...). I generally don't want to direct his personal growth or visualize him as a project, but as long as he is this open and motivated, I can share comments and observations ... and fidget devices! If I mention those things, like sensory processing and ADHD a bit more...maybe he'll bring something up in his own work with his own T.

What's fascinating about M is his actual brilliance, and how that has driven a remarkable career. The couple-T we met on Monday asked him some astute questions, including who was the favorite (ie, "golden") child in your family? M immediately said, I was. And M spoke about the extreme privilege he grew up with.

He was the only one who broke away from the family expectation that he become a bigwig in one of the largest businesses in Central America. He went off to be a scholar and took that all the way to the top. He said his father once told him, You had the courage to do what I never could. And his sister said similar things.

One thing I love is that in both of these exploratory couple-T sessions, I've spoken very openly and descriptively about my observations and reactions to M, and painting his frustrating qualities vividly. And yet there is no blowback whatsoever from M afterward. He seems glad to hear what I actually think, and motivated to understand. He has immense learning capacity and never reacts negatively, even when I describe behaviors I think would be hard to hear about in front of a stranger.

So I'm feeling better about our prospects these days. He's coming over tonight for an indoor picnic and flick.

Hugs
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Twoapenny

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Re: Relationship
« Reply #273 on: October 13, 2019, 04:58:36 AM »
Thanks, guys. You are so thoughtful and supportive, it blows my mind.

I think I won't explore new kinds of "treatment" or "evaluation" for M at this point, mainly because I've already got the poor man into two kinds of therapy -- his own T, and soon our couples T.

But gradually it might be useful to give him more info on ADHD (not that he couldn't look it up himself...). I generally don't want to direct his personal growth or visualize him as a project, but as long as he is this open and motivated, I can share comments and observations ... and fidget devices! If I mention those things, like sensory processing and ADHD a bit more...maybe he'll bring something up in his own work with his own T.

What's fascinating about M is his actual brilliance, and how that has driven a remarkable career. The couple-T we met on Monday asked him some astute questions, including who was the favorite (ie, "golden") child in your family? M immediately said, I was. And M spoke about the extreme privilege he grew up with.

He was the only one who broke away from the family expectation that he become a bigwig in one of the largest businesses in Central America. He went off to be a scholar and took that all the way to the top. He said his father once told him, You had the courage to do what I never could. And his sister said similar things.

One thing I love is that in both of these exploratory couple-T sessions, I've spoken very openly and descriptively about my observations and reactions to M, and painting his frustrating qualities vividly. And yet there is no blowback whatsoever from M afterward. He seems glad to hear what I actually think, and motivated to understand. He has immense learning capacity and never reacts negatively, even when I describe behaviors I think would be hard to hear about in front of a stranger.

So I'm feeling better about our prospects these days. He's coming over tonight for an indoor picnic and flick.

Hugs
Hops

I think you're wise not to force him into too many things, Hops, it is hard to find the line between helping and creating a project, as you say.  It's so lovely tor read that the sessions are going well (from the point of view that they aren't causing animosity between you afterwards).  The indoor picnic sounds lovely, I hope you both had a really good time :) xx

lighter

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Re: Relationship
« Reply #274 on: October 13, 2019, 11:44:08 AM »
Hops:

How did the picnic go?  If anyone watched VICTORIA, there was a fireside picnic for the King and Queen after they were lost, then found by an Irish couple who took them in, not realizing who they were, fed them by the fire, and gave them their little peasant bed for night. 

When Victoria returned to England she had a little fireside picnic with Albert to bring back the simplicity, and joy of those moments
.
I hope yours was every inch as enchanting, Hops.  IMHO creating these kinds of memories is the best.

Lighter


Hopalong

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Re: Relationship
« Reply #275 on: October 13, 2019, 08:33:43 PM »
Picnic was lovely. We went over to my neighbor's to taste her beta batch of a new spicy chutney she'll be marketing through a local cidery. Yum. Then had our tapas and wine and wound up listening to my friend's CD...she is gone now (killed in an awful intentional accident by a homicidal/suicidal man escaping his murder of his gf, years ago now). But her extraordinary voice and talent remain and M just fell in love with her music.

Tonight we had a lovely dinner out and won't see each other until I arrive in SF a week from now. We have been so much more relaxed with each other since seeing those two potential couple-Ts, it's odd. I think we were stuck and needed that third party help...so we both seem much more peaceful and even more committed. Feeling very good about it all right now.

Hugs
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

lighter

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Re: Relationship
« Reply #276 on: October 14, 2019, 07:47:45 AM »
Well....
your post started my mouth to watering. 
Chutney, and cider, and spicey, oh my: )

Then I was yanked sideways by the music piece, and loss of your lovely friend.  I find people want to deny and minimize violence in our culture, particularly for women and children, and then it's touching your life, infringing, engulfing, taking lives of people you know and love.  So frustrating, and in many cases avoidable, IME.  Some voices have no power in this culture.  Will you share your friend's voice with the board, Hops?

You sound relaxed, and comfortable right now.  It's nice to read you're finding your stride with M. 

Lighter






sKePTiKal

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Re: Relationship
« Reply #277 on: October 14, 2019, 09:05:23 AM »
I hope you enjoy San Fran, Hops. You might see things you don't so much enjoy, if the media reports are to be believed. (I remain Skeptical of everything I read these days. And I need a whole factory to separate out the scarce facts from opinions.)

I think you'll have a lovely adventure! I want one too.  :(  But I'm on hold for that now.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Hopalong

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Re: Relationship
« Reply #278 on: October 14, 2019, 01:22:53 PM »
Hi Lighter,
She was a much-beloved founding member of a well-known acoustic group that did very sophisticated, jazzy, bluegrassy folk. I knew her through another circle. We weren't the closest friends but I did invite her to co-create a service at my church that was pretty amazing. I did a sermon on loneliness and she did the music. Congregation was absolutely spellbound. Later she moved to the west coast to direct a large chorus that traveled the world. People from all over came for her service.

Her end was beyond tragic. He had just killed his gf and intentionally crossed the highway and drove headfirst into her car (to take himself out, they think). And so, took her life as well. She had just come back for a meeting about possibly reuniting with the original group and was on her way from the airport to town in her rental car.

Her voice will be around forever; she was much loved and respected and recordings remain. Some aren't easy to find though. Her best album was called Midnight at Cabell Hall. Extraordinary.

hugs
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Hopalong

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Re: Relationship
« Reply #279 on: October 14, 2019, 04:25:49 PM »
Thanks, Amber. I love SF. Worked in Silicon Valley and spent a good bit of time there.
I know social problems have worsened but I'm not shocked. Just sad to see.

There's transparency there...when all the neglect and sorrow are visible in the open.
I'm more comfortable with that sad ugliness than with ghettos and gated enclaves
that protect us from seeing what legacy inequalities, indifference to mental illness
and the results of abuse, and viewing many human beings as discardable has done.

Happy for the tech-wealthy who are so enjoying one of the most magical and
beautiful places in the country. Too bad about everyone else, who can't afford to
keep living there any more. And not because they don't work hard.

Luckily for M's sons, they are successful and well off, in a lovely town about an
hour from SF. All the best of the Bay and Sonoma, none of the rest. I'm genuinely
happy for them and looking forward to exploring that lovely area with M.

But mostly, to cradling a new baby girl I may be lucky enough to love and know
for years to come!

Hugs
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

lighter

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Re: Relationship
« Reply #280 on: October 14, 2019, 06:08:51 PM »
 BABY!

I so want to cradle that baby girl too, Hops.

Enjoy: )

Lighter

sKePTiKal

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Re: Relationship
« Reply #281 on: October 15, 2019, 06:16:18 PM »
OOOOOOO babies are SO wonderful. I spend time just looking at them, while holding them, wondering what kind of person they'll choose to be. And giving that unconditional attention and gentleness... that let's 'em know whatever they choose is A-OK.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.