Meandering

[Meh]

Haven't been here for a while. I think it's because I thought I came to terms with the situation and just accepted it. I got old. I figured out I can't change shit. Excuse the language, it's fitting though.

Anyhow today my grandmother passed away early this morning -- I knew yesterday the hospice workers had said she is actively dying, I guess they know because a person's breathing is irregular.

When I woke up this morning my mother sent me a link to facebook via text msg. FACEBOOK told me my grandmother was dead.

I'm not upset about my grandmother passing too much, she is old, we were not super close she wasn't a nice lady etc. I hyperventilated yesterday and cried for a bit, was late to work... okay grief came and went.

But my mother notified ME by posting a group message on facebook.

It's like should I respond to it?   Nope I guess not.

It's just really impersonal. If I type that it's impersonal my family will attack me about it.

The classy normal thing to do is make a phone call.

Anyhow shrug. In the end it seems less interaction is the best medicine. Do I go to the funeral?  Will I even be invited lol. 


When one is young and bitter and has energy there are fantasies of making an out-loud speech at a funeral how you really feel about a person, a situation WHILE they were alive. Once they are dead all of a sudden they are some kind of perfect angel. Before my grandmother was dead just a few weeks ago she was telling her nurses they are fat, she was insulting as many of the medical staff as she could telling her doctor he looked like the leader of North Korea...

LOL   one part of me thinks good riddance who cares.


Its fascinating though, her son/ my uncle fell to his knees in the parking lot yesterday crying after the hospice workers said this is the end. Well my mother had asked my uncle to help pay for the medical expenses at the care facility my grandmother is at. He refused AND he is a multi-millionaire, like 10 plus. He also doesn't have children that he is saving it for, its fascinating.

[Hopalong]

BOAT, so glad you're here.
And I'm sorry for your loss...and I understand. It's not a loss to have a mean person exit your life, but because your M is SO insensitive and you feel so alone in the world, you get hit in the face again with not "belonging," and that brings up a whole bunch of related loss.

I so hope for you that you'll find your 3-D phamily, even just a couple folks you can trust... it can take quite some effort but it's so worth doing. This may seem like an odd connection but I just binge-watched the new season on Netflix of Queer Eye, and the way they dose many loners in love and esteem and they absorb it like dried out sponges and then just come to life...is really touching.

Wish I could send you a Garbanzo-Boat version of your very own Fab 5...but hope you will find a way to meet your own Fab Few.

On Faceplant? Crude. Stupid. Clueless. Uncaring. Loathe the whole anti-social media, which just makes people lonelier.

love and comfort,
Hops

[lighter]

G:

Grief is a sneaky thing.  All sorts of things get mixed up, shaken and poured into our hearts at once, and it's difficult to sort it out, IME.

You grieve the FOO you have, and the FOO you deserved, but never received.  Your Grandmother died, and with her death goes any  hope for the stable, kind, loving grandmother you were entitled to.

Your family won't ever see things your way.  Your reality threatens their world view, and who they are.  They'll never change, but you can.  That space in your chest can be filled with new worthy connections.  It's easier if we give up hope,  IME.

Acceptance is a healing stage.

:sending G compassion, and clarity::.]

You're worthy of safe loving connection.

Lighter

[Meh]

Thanks gals, I've been away from the board for so long I forgot how freaking smart you are. You really REALLY do get it.
Grief is sneaky it does contains lots of STUFF and YES Hops I do feel alienated from this collective family grief business.

I don't think I'm going to the funeral which makes it worse, its like how can I complain about alienation when I don't go... but its depressing, stressful, chaotic with relatives converging and I don't share good memories of her. I keep thinking about my grandmother and my aunt making up the rumor of my father molesting me based on nothing... I mean that's unforgivable, I'm not going to connect with these people.

God and I'm asking myself even though I don't like these people should I still GO to the funeral?? It's going to be casual and informal, just a family gathering which is harder for me. I rather have some kind of formal ritualized experience of it. That's just me personally. Rather some old-fashioned nonsense of properness etc. would be better, I don't want to talk to my relatives, I have nothing to say to them, I rather just sit there.

I don't care about family photos. I prefer "paying my respects", acknowledging the loss and leaving without chatting it up. I think I can acknowledge a loss without liking a person. But yeah, I'm not going to re-kindle or kindle anything positive. Would have to listen to my wealthy aunt brag, my neurotic uninvolved uncle acting shocked and surprised even though this was a slow approach of death, he didn't visit her too much and now he is devastated. I guess I'm being judgemental and he has his own reasons.

The passing part of a lineage feels significant in itself, I can do my own ritual if I really need to I guess. It seems significant you know, but not personally.


Was just reading this and I'm realizing how complicated this must be for my mother, uncle and aunt.

https://whatsyourgrief.com/grieving-someone-you-didnt-like/nd

[Meh]

Having coffee, I make it in a glass pyrex cup in the microwave and then pour it through a tea strainer, I guess it's close to french press, I like my kitchen gadgets to be multifunctional, it's a small kitchen. Couple days ago I heard one or two frogs in the pond near where I live, well last night I heard a lot more, I guess the sun is defrosting them out of the mud. Spring Equinox is coming!!

Yesterday evening spoke to my mother on the phone. She was in the throes of grief in her bedroom crying trying to sleep not able to. She finally called me out of obligation not because she actually wants to talk to me. Its rare that I catch her crying then I guess people don't die every day. She was starting to tell me some story about her brother which is also out of character. It was more the character she is in when she speaks to her sister, talkative, confiding. Well I interrupted her story because I could tell she was at the freak out level of upset, super stuffed up nose. I advised her that if she took some cold medicine it would help clear all the inflammation from crying. I also asked her if she had walked her dog which is the activity her and her husband's relationship seems to revolve around. Well she hadn't walked the dog. I suggested she take the medicine and go for a walk in the sun with her dog as this is her normal routine. She texted me later saying it helped a lot and she was feeling better.

I sort of wonder if I shouldn't't have cut her off from talking. If I should have just listened to her. I think I should have just shut up and listened. I wondered was I being narcissistic in that moment. I don't talk to my mother for consolation, I know better than to contact her for any kind of comfort. Maybe I'm not in the position to console her, maybe I'm not the right person for it. Considering the circumstances I think this is okay maybe. I haven't been doing a lot of reflecting lately, I'm not in a deep thoughtful emotional empathetic mode. I know people need to cry to an extent, I'm not sure how much really.

So last night I was up until 3 AM watching TV. My mother had mentioned earlier that she wanted to make an appointment to see a grief counselor. I was feeling sort of bad for her and ordered her a book from Amazon about Narcissism and then canceled it. I ordered it because she still doesn't have insight into the possible personality disorder running through our family. It was also something she said when she was crying I think she frequently doesn't feel like she is ever "good enough".

I ordered the book and then I canceled it. I had second thoughts that she might take it weird. That maybe I should be totally hands off on the situation. I also have up to this point felt armed with knowledge that she didn't have. Even if I couldn't change or control anything at least I could anticipate and identify. I could put a name to the problem.

Here is a very weird part of it. I dislike that it might help her relationship with her sister. That she would obviously lend the book and recommend it to her sister. These people never discuss personality disorders etc. What difference does it really make to me if it should help someone in someway isn't that a good thing?

I feel kind of sorry for my mother. Stunted and all she obviously experiences grief herself and hasn't untangled much to do with her mother. There is another part of me that REGRETS being kind to people. I feel like kindness or helping will backfire. I don't know how it will.

She has a lot of family around her, she isn't exactly reaching out to me.

If she does go to a counseling session I think having read a book about Narcissism would give her so much more to work with rather than blindly groping for explanations.

AND I feel like if I send her that book I am meddling, interfering. It's not my job to help her somehow. I also KNOW that it's not going to change anything between us. IN a really weird way I DON'T want our relationship to improve any longer. I've gotten comfortable with the distance, with the fakeness of it. I have resentment and I know I don't OWE any dues to anybody in my family. Space is the healer when it comes to personality disorder it seems, distance. I also know that the flaws are so deep, the flaws are hardwired into the brain, the flesh of the body. That's why it's a personality disorder. It's not a passing cold virus. A personality disorder has got to be literally what the consciousness, brain fabric is constructed of. A person isn't going to regrow an amputation. I don't really know how bad she is. Why should I care though. Why hasn't she obsessed over the problem until she found a kernal of insight on her own...

I think it's unhealthy for me to be involved, to even think about her.

I think for now I will just let it go as she has continually shown disinterest in my life in general.

Got to clean up my pigsty for a building inspection. There is so much to do in the 3-D world. I don't need to ruminate about my mother's psychological state.. right?

When I was younger the idea of them suffering somehow seemed like it would be satisfying, like justice, getting even. In the end it's not how it works out. It's kinda sad when someone dies even if I don't like them. It's really weird. The strength of a person's emotional ties to a person is somewhat independent of the quality of a relationship. The reality is even BAD relationships ARE STRONG relationships. There is like this common saying that a person "isn't close" to someone. Well I've been telling myself I'm NOT close to these people, but that's not really accurate I guess.

[Hopalong]

I think you were compassionate to your mother, and allowed your heart to be touched by her unusual vulnerability and grief. And you gave her a perfect suggestion (the walk in the sun) and it did help her.

That's just a human exchange of human kindness. I think you get to feel good about that.

And at the same time you also get to feel good about your clear and important understanding of PDs and narcissism, and how "abandon hope scripts" is the most self-loving thing a child of Ns can learn to do.

So not dreaming of fixing it all, or re-entering the family circle closer than the distance you've established for your own sanity....that's responsible and self-loving too.

While you've still had an unexpected grace moment with your mother.

Both can be real. Both can be right.

I think you done GOOD.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Garbonzo:

We try to have the relationships we want to have with our loved ones,  then see if we can accept the relationships they allow us to have. 

You've been present, and caring, and worried about your FOO, and they've been what they've always been.... and likely always will be.

You can accept them as they are,  withdraw with love, or harbor anger, and regret, but you can't control your FOO.  You have to decide what's best for you, and honor yourself first. 

Your FOO can't do any better, or they would have.  They're broken. 

It seems you have hope things will change.  That's a very painful place to live, IME.  Not that things can't change, it's just unlikely.

You deserve reciprocal relationships, Boat. 

[Twoapenny]

Hi Garbanzo

I'm sorry to read about your gran passing, and sorry that it's brought up so much family stuff again.  I think people dying really brings out all sorts of weird feelings and family dynamics and when you're in a situation where you've tried to keep your distance (for the sake of your sanity!) it can be really hard to know what to do, how to behave, where to be and so on.

For what it's worth, I tend to keep to myself where family are concerned now.  I don't go to funerals.  I do my own little saying goodbye ceremony at home (if I feel I want to) and try to do something nice for someone in need (who might appreciate the gesture rather than using it against me).  And in terms of trying to help people see who they are (with reference to your mum and the whole narcissism thing) I tend to hold off unless someone asks.  I've got friends who I know actively work on themselves and are open to looking into things and I wouldn't have a problem recommending a book or some kind of helpful thing to them but when it comes to family I leave them to their own things.  I had something funny with my sister, who got in touch after many years of us not speaking.  Initially I was excited because I thought we could have a good relationship but I realised that she wasn't really interested in changing the situation - she enjoys the drama and likes being able to moan about people without doing anything to change the situation.  Which isn't how I like to do things so I kind of left it.  Only explaining the way I've experienced it in case it helps in some way.  I think you should always take best care of yourself first.  So I hope you are able to find a way through it all and I hope you can carry on posting - I've missed you being here.

Love, Tupp xx

[sKePTiKal]

Hi Garbanzo!

I really liked your comment about how even bad relationships can be really STRONG. Makes absolute sense to me. You sound very much more centered in your SELF, in the interaction with your mom, too. To me, at least.

[Meh]

On bus going to work. On phone. Funeral is today, this is probably best for me.

[Hopalong]

Yes. I think you can trust yourself, Boat.

You can be apart without being angry.

It is still sad and feeling whatever goes through you is healthy.

There's no perfect path, just what feels like the best choice you can make.

Big hug,
Hops

[Meh]

The book I was going to send to my mother well I might send it to myself. It couldn't hurt for a refresher course in self-help. Though on the otherside I just want to get on with life.

[Hopalong]

Never hurts!
You won't have to read self-help forever, one day it'll all be internalized.
But a great time to reach for those books is a time like now, when life events have made the bruises ache.

hugs
Hops

[Meh]

So feeling a little anxious and lonely. I've been working at current employer for about 5 years, today they let us go, I handed in my badge already. We knew it was coming. They are outsourcing the work out of the country. They told us our final day would be end of April but surprise today they told us this is the last day at work in the office. So I get paid leave until end of the month. Normally I would work tomorrow. It should be positive but I feel a little too much turmoil right now. In fact I am worried about the unfinished work I left behind. I'm worried about the future etc. I'm going to spend the next couple weeks trying to get caught up on all my medical and dental stuff still and maybe I should try to do my hobbies.  I don't feel like going out tonight at all but I sorta wish I could hang out with my coworkers right now. Next week we have a girls night out planned already. I need to make sure I'm being productive, maximizing any benefits I get. I'm not expecting miracles I just want to survive without wasting time, without getting depressed etc. Chilling out tonight. I think in the morning I will feel better. I haven't done yoga in it like 5 years maybe I should try it again, don't know, don't exactly feel into it. Everything I had going on pretty much has revolved around my job, for the money. Money is pretty much the best friend and family a person can have as far as I'm concerned. I'm so old I don't want to go back to school it seems like a joke almost however I am interested in what sort of training benefits are available.

[Twoapenny]

Sorry, G, that is a lot for you to cope with, especially with just losing your nan and all the family turmoil that's attached to it.  For what it's worth, I think your approach sounds very sensible - practical, functional, hobbies to keep you occupied - all things that help in these sort of situations.  Might be good if there are any sort of training options available, even if it just keeps you busy and is something else to put on a CV.  In the UK they often offer online courses that are quite short and focus on practical type computer skills so people can do them from home if they have their own internet connection or go in to the library or job centre to use public ones.  It might be that there's something like that available - it might whet your appetite for going back to school!  Let us know how you get on, a yoga class sounds like a nice thing to do xx