Author Topic: Meandering  (Read 1744 times)

Twoapenny

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Re: March 17th
« Reply #45 on: May 13, 2019, 01:18:58 AM »
Here is a different film by same lady Niki lindroth von bahr this one has some English sub titles:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D7KIsGq3XVw   

This one only French unless you pull it up on Amazon w/ Prime and there is a version with English subs.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LMB4ZJ4Xqjo

https://www.amazon.com/Burden-Niki-Lindroth-von-Bahr/dp/B07BHZTSS3/ref=sr_1_2?keywords=the+burden+swedish&qid=1557721854&s=gateway&sr=8-2

Thanks, G, I'll have a watch of that later!  I like watching things that are a bit different; there's so much on TV now that it's easy to fall into watching the same things over and over because wading through seeing what else is about takes so much time!  Was TV a lot more limited in the States years ago?  We only had three channels when I was a kid and they only broadcast in the evening, it all finished by midnight usually - I think one channel used to show old 50s B movies later than that?  You used to have to move the indoor aerial about to get a good picture; my dad used to make me and my sister take turns standing on a chair holding the aerial up so he could watch the football results :) Lol x

Garbanzo

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Re: March 17th
« Reply #46 on: May 16, 2019, 07:24:50 PM »
Just waking up and I barely want to put my coffee down long enough to type. There is something in the mailbox but I'm not ready to go get it yet. While drinking my coffee the passing thought came to me about CBD oil or something, I don't use these products so I don't know a lot about it. I have a feeling it wouldn't work well for me. It's just that I am tired of chronic anxiety it almost defines my personality. It occurs to me what if I could just be relaxed and calm and at ease and less engaged with irritating things. I'm just going to write out something here not sure what. What if what I am doing is thoughtful downtime. I get the image in my mind of a subterranean mole that spends it's days going up above ground to do required non-sense but only really feels like a mole when it's back in it's subterranean earth home again.

I'm not even sure if I feel like writing I sort of do but I sort of don't. Blah. I'm going to listen to some Tibetan singing bowl music LOL and stare at my screen. Wordy music can only distract me at the moment. My apartment is a mess, I tore it apart looking for a hat that I made but I never could find it and now everything looks like a rototiller has been here. It's bothering me. I will have to deal with it.

So in all this downtime I have at the moment I have been reading a bit about hormone imbalance. I never knew much about it before. My face skin has been so messed up, sensitive, red inflammation, rough.

 I was reading that hormones are connected with cortisone, inflammation, allergy, the thyroid gland, MOOD, ANXIETY. Sleep headaches, energy levels aka motivation get up and go.

I ordered some progesterone and I think it is helping my skin. I don't want to get too crazy thinking this is going to FIX my skin issue. The dermatologist wanted to do laser treatment and really I thought that just touches on a symptom not the cause.

When I had insurance I really should have demanded a hormone level test, I didn't even know they could test for such a thing I'm so ignorant. I also should have demanded a thyroid test. I didn't think of doing this.

I felt something was off all I could think of was to ask for a cholesterol check and diabetes check. The cholesterol is TOO high even though I only weigh about 130.

What is hitting me is that I have been ignoring my health and wellbeing for so long. I have some tendancy to want to blame it on my job. i probably can't 100% do that. But commute time and working full time instead of working from home or having my own schedule does impact the way we live. My job was emotionally stressfull to me. I don't miss talking to angry people. Please god let my next job not be about talking to angry people 40 hours a week.
« Last Edit: May 16, 2019, 08:20:37 PM by Garbanzo »

Hopalong

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Re: March 17th
« Reply #47 on: May 16, 2019, 09:44:36 PM »
AMEN! I can't imagine the chronic stress (for an introvert, especially) of talking to angry people All Week Long.

I love that you're doing Thoughtful Downtime. I love everything that implies. That is freaking awesome, Boat.

Wow. You did some kind of dive in that time that brought you up to the surface again with a lot of thinking, a lot of insight, and a lot of focus.

BRAVO.

And, wowsers!

xxoo
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Garbanzo

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Re: March 17th
« Reply #48 on: May 17, 2019, 02:21:31 AM »
Yeppers. Endocrine system so entangled with everything else. Even coffee messes it up depending on what race a person is it either lowers or elevates estrogen making a person estrogen dominant and other hormones lower.

https://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/01/27/caffeine-alters-estrogen-levels-in-younger-women/
« Last Edit: May 17, 2019, 02:32:14 AM by Garbanzo »

Twoapenny

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Re: March 17th
« Reply #49 on: May 17, 2019, 03:46:07 AM »
I think it's very, very easy to neglect our health when we're working hard to just get through the day, G.  I don't know what your health system is like in the States, but in the UK there's very little focus on causes of health problems and natural ways people can help themselves through diet, supplements, sounds (music therapy and so on) and all the other things that are out there.  So it's difficult to wade through information and to try to figure out what might help, especially when dealing with a job that must have been very draining emotionally.

For what it's worth I am finding acupuncture helpful for my hormonal problems (heading into menopause and was experiencing a chronic drop in mood from Day 14 of my cycle until my period ended).  I'm certainly not cured but I'm on Day 17 and I feel human.  Normally I would be on my knees by now so it seems to be helping.  I did find the coffee triggers hot flushes in me so I've cut right down on that and that's helped.  It's difficult because so many things 'might' help and it's hard work trying stuff out!

With regards CBD oil, I take three drops in the morning and then vape the oil through the day ( the oil that you take orally and the oil that you vape are different).  I also have CBD lollies that I can suck on if vaping isn't appropriate.  I am finding it helps with my anxiety.  The advice I was given is that you should start with three drops of the lowest strength and slowly build up to taking more, to see the effect it has.  It can create a slight worsening of problems initially; that is apparently a good sign that it's helping and you're on the right path with it.  It has been a lot of trial and error with me and it is expensive; I am very lucky that we have a really good hemp shop in town and the guy that runs it is not only an expert but he really passionately believes in helping people out rather than making huge profits out of them, so he'll recommend the product he thinks helps best rather than the one he can mark up the highest.  I know he imports from the States, I think Charlotte's Web is a good brand?  So it might help - but again, it's only a might!

I love Tibetan singing bowls :)  Bizarrely, I also find psy trance really relaxing, despite the fact it can be quite frantic.  I don't know if it's because it reminds me of happier days or if it just does something to my mind but I am a big fan of music without words :)

With the messy apartment, have you tried just doing ten minutes at a time?  I find that helps me with a big, overwhelming project - ten minutes of picking things up (it's amazing how much you can get done in ten minutes).  I think you're doing an amazing job of hanging on in there with all that's been going on, G.  And I hope the hat turns up! xx

Garbanzo

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Re: March 17th
« Reply #50 on: May 17, 2019, 06:00:28 AM »
Well the health system is varied. It's a matter of hit and miss, luck, persistence, insurance, how much time and money a person can throw at a problem. A person has to be on the right track to start with, ask for the correct tests etc. Typical family docs spend 7- 9 minutes with a patient it seems. They will only ever address one single issue per visit. They want patients to make an individual appointment for each health concern.  There are a lot of alternative medicine types of things out there, it's almost too much, lots of it seems like trendy fads. Somewhere between the trendy fads and real medicine there are some things that really are going to help or work.

It's hard to know which issues in life we just have to accept and live with as unchangeable. OR what are the things we should work on and shouldn't just accept as status quo. It's exhausting to fight a losing battle. It's also almost wrong to do nothing about a situation that could be improved or even healed. As I type that I just think holymoly where do we prioritize.

Acupuncture and acupressure seem somewhat legit. I know of someone who was diagnosed with a non-cancerous tumor but large enough it had to be removed after her acupuncturist took her pulse! I guess they are sensitive enough they could tell the blood flow or qi flow whatever wasn't correct where the tumor was growing. So that is evidence enough to me that there is something to it.

In life it's like one doesn't pay attention to subtle or non emergency signs that something is just off and not working in general.

Maybe I have dumbed myself down somehow. Perhaps in a Narcissistic way I wish the world would just stop for me so I could catch up. So I could surreptitiously experiment with my health and feeling good. So I could take some classes or something. Financially one is forced to eventually just keep going. 

haha... I mean if horses are coming out of the starting gate it feels like my horse decided to turn around and start out of the back of the gate IN the opposite direction. It's just a feeling. I remember a sports class I took so long ago and the instructor would be telling people they can never stop practice or else they will forever be trying to catch up. I don't know. It it possible that sometime we believe we are doing okay but we really are not. OR maybe we are not doing as badly as we think we might be doing. Just rambling here. I really need to ramble sometimes. I have faith that it means something eventually. Sometimes one feels like they are NOT doing the best they can do but not have the motivation or energy to do better...

I have wanted to start yoga (at home) again for so long but I haven't gotten into it. I know it's yet another one of those fad things. It does force us to pay attention to our body though.

It was easy to do yoga and jog and do all that stuff when I was young and fit I was fascinated by the exoticism of it. I STILL need to do that stuff even though now it feels like it's from a totally different perspective. I'm old and I'm just trying to be JUST OK perspective.




Hopalong

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Re: March 17th
« Reply #51 on: May 17, 2019, 02:37:17 PM »
I think the very simplest form of getting in shape at home is those stretchy exercise bands. You can also google "home exercise with household items" for loads of programs using soup cans, chairs, your body, the doorframe, etc. JUST AS GOOD.

I love the Royal Canadian Air Force XBX plan too--did it as a girl and it was one that really helped me. Mainly because you could begin at a very very easy level and gradually move up the chart. The gradualness is so specific that even my brain could follow it, and it also meant that it was very hard to hurt yourself. The whole thing is reproduced here.

http://www.corvedale.com/5bx/xbxPlan.pdf

Plus which, watching June Cleaver perform these in the illustrations is a stitch.

Good luck, Boat! Woot woot!

xxoo
Hops

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Twoapenny

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Re: March 17th
« Reply #52 on: May 20, 2019, 12:55:46 AM »
Well the health system is varied. It's a matter of hit and miss, luck, persistence, insurance, how much time and money a person can throw at a problem. A person has to be on the right track to start with, ask for the correct tests etc. Typical family docs spend 7- 9 minutes with a patient it seems. They will only ever address one single issue per visit. They want patients to make an individual appointment for each health concern.  There are a lot of alternative medicine types of things out there, it's almost too much, lots of it seems like trendy fads. Somewhere between the trendy fads and real medicine there are some things that really are going to help or work.

That sound very system to our health system, G, you have to kind of know that the problem might be when you go in so you can request specific things are checked out.  Which to my mind makes doctors kind of pointless if you have to try and work it out on your own first!  And yes, single issue appointments, and here they only make one referral at a time as well, so you wait months to see a doctor, they say that you don't have the thing you thought you might and then you have to go back and start again to get referred somewhere else to check for a different problems.  It can take years and it seems mad to me not to make multiple referrals at once and then just cancel the ones you end up not needing.  Much 'fadness' around alternative treatments, I think, it's hard to work through the maze and figure out what might help.

It's hard to know which issues in life we just have to accept and live with as unchangeable. OR what are the things we should work on and shouldn't just accept as status quo. It's exhausting to fight a losing battle. It's also almost wrong to do nothing about a situation that could be improved or even healed. As I type that I just think holymoly where do we prioritize.

Gosh, yes to all of that, where is the line between acceptance and resignation?  So hard to know when you should keep trying and when you should just throw in the towel and let it happen.  So tiring.

Acupuncture and acupressure seem somewhat legit. I know of someone who was diagnosed with a non-cancerous tumor but large enough it had to be removed after her acupuncturist took her pulse! I guess they are sensitive enough they could tell the blood flow or qi flow whatever wasn't correct where the tumor was growing. So that is evidence enough to me that there is something to it.

Wow, I had no idea they could pick up a tumour with something like that!  That is amazing.  I have had times with the lady I used to see for acupuncture where she knew how exhausted I was just from taking my pulse - I often didn't need to tell her what was wrong, she'd take my pulse and tell me!  The guy I'm having treatment with at the minute picked up on an emotional thing I hadn't mentioned because I didn't think it was relevant - so amazing being able to read a body like that.
In life it's like one doesn't pay attention to subtle or non emergency signs that something is just off and not working in general.

Maybe I have dumbed myself down somehow. Perhaps in a Narcissistic way I wish the world would just stop for me so I could catch up. So I could surreptitiously experiment with my health and feeling good. So I could take some classes or something. Financially one is forced to eventually just keep going. 

haha... I mean if horses are coming out of the starting gate it feels like my horse decided to turn around and start out of the back of the gate IN the opposite direction. It's just a feeling. I remember a sports class I took so long ago and the instructor would be telling people they can never stop practice or else they will forever be trying to catch up. I don't know. It it possible that sometime we believe we are doing okay but we really are not. OR maybe we are not doing as badly as we think we might be doing. Just rambling here. I really need to ramble sometimes. I have faith that it means something eventually. Sometimes one feels like they are NOT doing the best they can do but not have the motivation or energy to do better...

I think my horse is lying in a field waiting for someone to bring her some hay, G :) Rambling is good, I think it clears our minds out a bit.  I think sometimes not doing much is the best we can, you know?

I have wanted to start yoga (at home) again for so long but I haven't gotten into it. I know it's yet another one of those fad things. It does force us to pay attention to our body though.

It was easy to do yoga and jog and do all that stuff when I was young and fit I was fascinated by the exoticism of it. I STILL need to do that stuff even though now it feels like it's from a totally different perspective. I'm old and I'm just trying to be JUST OK perspective.

There are loads of good yoga vids on YouTube now, and a lot of them are quite short.  If you've not looked yet, I like 'Yoga with Adrienne' stuff and also things by Jen Hillman - they seem quite real and human, you know?  One video I tried to do had a lady that was so bendy she ended up with all her limbs pointing in the wrong direction.  She looked like someone had folded her and stuffed her in a suitcase lol

Garbanzo

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Re: March 17th
« Reply #53 on: May 20, 2019, 09:22:29 PM »
yah there is a difference though between what we might do, could do, like to do, want to do, feel like doing, know how to do, inspired to do, think about doing, talk about doing versus what we really do

the most I do right now is if I feel my shoulders n neck all scrunched up I will deep breathe and relax them, about as little engagement, not much "doing" in that
« Last Edit: May 20, 2019, 11:32:36 PM by Garbanzo »

Garbanzo

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Re: March 17th
« Reply #54 on: May 21, 2019, 12:26:39 AM »
watching ted talks instead of actually doing anything, one presenter stated there is research that chips go through midlife crisis so I had to look it up

randomness

https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/scientists-say-chimps-and-orangutans-have-mid-life-crises-136191276/

well they are zoo apes.... do wild apes also have a midlife crisis I wonder??

Garbanzo

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Re: March 17th
« Reply #55 on: May 21, 2019, 03:08:40 AM »
Visited my mother recently. On a daily basis she looks forward to drinking wine in the afternoon. It's probably not alcoholic quantities by definition, however I don't pay attention to how much she is drinking. I just heard her telling her husband to bring her the whole bottle. I also notice it's a real important item on her shopping list. I'm just writing it out for no reason. It's definitely a real consistent part of her daily routine.

We also very rarely have 2-way conversations. It's more like she is a random commentator. I bore her. I see her engage with so many strangers in her neighborhood. I totally bore her to death, she has about a 2-3 minute max focus ability on anything that is of import to me personally.

I feel pretty bland writing about her.

Earlier today I had a memory of when we were at my aunt's house for some reason holiday or something. I was a teenager had a really bad cold and I had told my mother I needed some cold medicine. My aunt told my mother to ignore me (and she did) and that I should walk to a store and get it myself. A store not being even within 15 or 20 blocks maybe, I don't know as I didn't live in that neighborhood. My aunt eventually got a kid and there is no way she would have ever said something like that to her daughter if she was sick.

It was a long time ago and it doesn't matter now. Maybe I just NEED to remind me of how false my relationship is with my mother. If a memory pops into my head from years ago my brain has tucked that away and is now showing it to me again.

My grandmother's husband is now having health problems and even though my mother and aunt are SO engaged with all of that I am SO distant emotionally from everybody.

I don't care too much about him at all. The times we have talked were very few. It's weird all this aging. It's also not too meaningful to me that he is sick.

My mother really seems to think I am going to help her when she gets too old. So now I get to feel like a piece of shit if I don't.

Can't I just erase this dumb chalk board.

Sometimes one thinks of just moving away. To where I don't know.

Basically I know that both of my parents are aging. I don't like them. They don't give an F about me. I don't have my life together, I just do one crap job after the next crap job that pays for rentals.

Sorry not trying to be dark. I do tend to come here and just unburden myself with whatever is kind of hiding in the shadows of my mind.

The only way I can win is if I get lucky and maybe enjoy life a bit I don't know.

The thing that hits me is that I believe my parents have expectations of me helping them. I KNOW nobody will help me as I age.

Sometimes I think I am doing more harm to myself by maintaining a relationship with my mother than if I didn't. It's as if I really need to "grow up" and go do more with my life, I feel that judgement coming down.

I don't want to think about all this. The thing of the matter is my mother's younger siblings are both millionaires. They could help her if they wanted to and if they were not so messed up in the head themselves.

Isn't that my way out?  My mother and my aunt are closer than I have ever been to my mother. My aunt can purchase a baby sitter for my mother when the time comes.... ??

Very weird thoughts. Writing this has made me feel really unhappy. LOL Okay well I should read my book or something.

I don't need advice or anything I just have to get it off my chest I guess.

Should I be asking myself what am I getting out of this relationship?

Am I getting some weird undefined primal reassurance. Yeah I think it's just a feeling of false reassurance. Probably most adults don't need reassurance from their parents because they actually got it when they needed it. IDK

I do feel really horrible about my parents suffering or having a hard time but I've got some kind of emotional messed up conflict. Didn't I suffer, didn't they kind of screw me over in life. They were not thoughtful parents. They just behaved however they felt they wanted to.

I guess I am really asking myself is okay to abandon my parents if/when they need me. When my needs were barely met growing up. If everything had been okay why would I come here writing confusing things trying to work something out.

The fake relationship with my mother sometimes confuses me i think. I have to remember that she basically was pissed off at my brother because she thought she had to pay cremation fees. That really is who she is.
« Last Edit: May 22, 2019, 03:15:59 AM by Garbanzo »

Garbanzo

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Re: March 17th
« Reply #56 on: May 21, 2019, 04:52:41 PM »
I'm kinda wondering what do I like to do? Because in the past 10 years I don't think I have really picked up any new hobbies or interests. I think I started to enjoy reading more than I did in the past.

In the past I liked art of all sorts, I taught myself to knit and I liked that. In the past I liked to cook new recipes, I liked to hike and travel.

Maybe energetically I am winding down in life because reading is pretty low energy. There is also minimal investment of travel and money with reading, it's not clogging up my space with unused crafty components.

There used to be things that I just really really wanted to do, who knows why.

Summer is upon us and even though it stresses me out closing the curtains (because of all the kids outside) laying on the sofa reading is what I am most likely to end up doing. It's kind of like I'm shut down and in denial or something.


Garbanzo

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Re: March 17th
« Reply #57 on: May 21, 2019, 10:57:21 PM »
Knitting with cold hands, mailed important paperwork, watching:  "The Real Causes of Depression | Johann Hari" I like some of his quotes like "your pain makes sense".

  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hfl3Yh7fS4g&t=164s

okay I am not sure why he can't stop talking about Trump, he puts a lot of politics in there which kinda distracts
« Last Edit: May 22, 2019, 12:49:47 AM by Garbanzo »

sKePTiKal

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Re: Mixed bag all that stuff
« Reply #58 on: May 22, 2019, 09:58:10 AM »
G, I've been a pretty compulsive reader for most of my life. It's served different emotional purposes for me. I started to read, very very young.

Lots of children's Bible stories, adventure books - The Black Stallion series was one of my favs. Back then, I think I was reading to learn about life. OTHER kinds of life, than the one I was experiencing at home with my crazy family. I wanted to know what other kinds of people liked, did, how they lived - so that I could choose to do something different from what I seemed fated to experience in those first 12 years of life.

I was already thinking about spiritual matters, psychology, religion, political theories etc. Reading Shakespeare - complete works front to back, including the sonnets early in HS. Tolkein. Sci-Fi classics. I was already convinced that LIFE DIDN'T NEED TO BE THAT WAY and that people could choose to change how they interacted with life. And it provided me a huge escape - identifying with different characters, and reading how they thought, felt, and acted in response to the challenges they faced. I tried all those on, like different persona "outfits". Over time, I know I've kept some - and discarded lots of others.

When I was really bored with being me, and tired of beating my head on the same old brick wall of problems... I read. When I just didn't have the energy to tackle facing what I was confronted by - I read. I let myself enter the world of the book, which might be why I've gravitated toward long series like Outlander and Song of Ice & Fire. Sagas. There was continuity in the stories; the characters were reliably predictable in their personalities, their character, and abilities. And when they overcame a big challenge or acted outside of their "normal character"... it was the most interesting part of the story for me.

Reading was how I educated myself on how to become a whole person. It filled that hole of not having a parent mirror who I was, somewhat. I learned about strange exotic dangerous and very very balanced and well-grounded people... through stories, rather than non-fiction self-help books. While with Mike, my reading fell off. For years, I didn't even read a whole book. And it was the first thing I returned to, along with many many film options that I didn't have a chance to indulge in due to him being the master of the remote. LOL.

I just watched an interesting (lesser known) movie last night, with a super cast. "Get Low" - Robert Duvall is the lead, Bill Murray is a funeral director, and Sissy Spacek figures in it as a pivotal relationship in the hermit's life and story. The reviews say the ending is anti-climatic, but honestly, for those of us who had a story to tell about their lives that they kept secret so long... the ending is spectacular. The way the story of this hermit's secret is told is pretty well done and the acting, with this cast? Is over the top good. It's just a simple story but the supporting details of the visual and plot "telling" is pretty well done too.

Have you tried writing? Maybe you'd have better luck at it than I do. I can babble like this, just fine... but can't tell a story for crap. I can't even tell jokes properly. Never had the knack. It might be fun to try it just for you. Doesn't have to be YOUR story; just make up people and events and locations.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Garbanzo

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Re: March 17th
« Reply #59 on: May 23, 2019, 04:53:55 PM »
Drinking sludge dust coffee. Watching DIY videos. I like them DIY. I won't do a home DIY because I always feel an impending move coming on.

On my "TV" binge. Was listening to an interview while knitting. A comment made was essentially about how a person who doesn't like their job, gets up commutes comes home to a home they don't really want to come home to and does it over and over again is basically "burning daylight".

Burning Daylight, I mean is this real, is it derogatory.

Maybe it's not important if it's derogatory or a judgment.

It catches in my mind because sometimes I do feel like I am burning daylight. Then again it's one of those therapy statements not to compare oneself to others.

Whats wrong with burning daylight. I almost think if someone is making a lot of money, owns a lot of toys that could justify "burning daylight". Whats the point of anybodies time.

This is a pointless inquiry.
« Last Edit: May 23, 2019, 06:20:07 PM by Garbanzo »