Starfish' stories

[Starfish]

This has been copied from my original introduction post

Do I just jump right in?

Has anyone here ever tried to "tell" someone about their Nmom, only to have their stories poo-pooed or discounted.
Recently a friend of mine said to me "that it was just my side of the story", when I mentioned that my mom would react in a certain way.  While, in essence, that is a true statement...I was blown away.
I have spent years second guessing myself in regard to my relationship with my mom, and even people who don't know her defend her.  Of course this person had a lovely relationship with her parents, and so the stories are hard for her to comprehend, I guess.
G, my partner, even has a hard time understanding where I am coming from.
I did not what to call her and tell her I was getting married. I DREADED it. I knew one of two things would happen. One, she would want me to do it her way, and make it a  major issue when I insisted that it would be our way. (We are getting married by a friend at the beach and having a potluck afterward....no big to-do) or twqo, she would change thesubject after a quick exclamation and then the conversation would be about her illnesses, how mean my brother or sister have been to her(or aunt and uncle..whomever) her neighbors dog...anything to divert the conversation away from what is happening with me.  Even though she asks...she doesn't really care. It is just a way to access a new talking point for her.
Bah! See, I can't even write effectively about our "relationship".

Here is one of my memories as a young adult.

At the age of 14 (i am the youngest of 3) my mom decides to leave my stepdad.  We lived in germany at the time, so she packs the tow of us up and drags me to AZ, where we know not a soul. She proceeds to sleep all day (pills) and works graveyards as a dispatcher.  I am left to fend for myself in a place where I am completely isolated. She moved us to the furthest end of town where there is nothing for miles.
She OD's on drugs, I take care of it.  I pay the bills, grcery shop, wake her for her shifts (when she isn't calling in sick) and get myself to school.  The only joy I have is our 2 dogs, whom I have had since childhood. We had them flown back with us.  I walked them, slept with them and fed them. They were my only companions.
I finbally started to make friends after a year or so, and one day I come home and my mom is packing our stuff. I ask where she is going.  She says we are moving to the other side of town. I am switching schools again).
I was floored. Devastated. I had just started to get my bearings here.
I go to get the leashes for the dogs, Madchen and Taffy. They are not there, and neither are the dogs. My mother had taken them that day to the pound. I cired and cried...I am still crying. I know they were too old to get adopted.  I asked why? Why did she do this thing?  She replied coldly..."they took too much of my time".  What she really meant was I spent too much of MY time loving them instead of paying attention to her. I am sure to this day that is why we moved. I was getting to be a little more free of her, and she could not have that.
I will never ever forgive her for what she did to those poor dogs, and that poor girl. It has been almost 30 years and I still cry for my poor pup's.

After a year and a half of living on the far reaches of the other side of town, just as I was making friends and adapting to my new life...my mother decides we are moving again. This time to California

[Starfish]

I wondered what would trigger my next post.

Well, it is this little gem.  Over the summer in one of my rare "conversations" with my Nmom she mentioned that she and my aunt were planning a huge blowout for my Grandmothers 90th. She said she would let me know all the details as soon as she knew them. And would I come?  I said sure, but let me know so I can be sure to get the time off and get my plane fare established, as it is across country and I want to get a decent rate...and I wanted to be sure to get my request in at work also.  (I work in education and it is hard to leave in session).

About a week later she said they were not going to do the party, as it was too much work for her, and noone else was helping. (martyr.)

So, last week I emailed my aunt to let her know we got married, and she emails bacj her love and congratulations. And oh, by the way, are you comig out for Grandma's bday party? (huh?!).  I replied that the last I heard several months ago is that it was canceled.  She says "No! I told your mom that I was frustrated that it was taking me so much time (my mom led me to believe SHE was doing everything) but that it was a go.  I made the fliers 2 months ago, and each sibling was to send their children a copy.  I have received Nothing, and I told my aunt. 
So I let my brother and sister know (brother already knew, actually) and I booked my flight, etc to the east coast. The fare wasn't horrible but I cannot go for long due to work.

I really don't want to go, as my mom is in this town...yet I love my Grandma and cannot miss the party.  It may be the last time I see her. (?)

Am I surprised by this behavior of my mother?  no. Frustrated by it?  yes.  How do I deal with this?  I don't know.  My mantra should be "like water off a ducks back".  She does the same thing over and over again. Why should now be any different.

Flashback to 8 years ago.  (This is just one of many incident, all along the same theme)

I had finsihed college, was working an excellent job as an analyst in a lab, supervising employees and loving my job.  My first husband and I had not yet married, and were early in out relaionship, maybe 1 year.
My mom and I are somewhat estranged, but dancing the dance.  She calls me out of the blue in early Feb or so and says she is coming to Cal for a few moths (she has always canceled at the last minute) and wants to spend some quality time with me.  Me saying how nice that would be (and dreading it) and to let me know as soon as her plans are firm.  Knowing full well that she most likely will not follow through.  Months go by nd I hear nothing from her.  Then one day in late MAy my mom calls me and tells me she is going to be in Sac the next day and we should get together.
I am surprised, but say I have to work the next day (I worked swings back then) but maybe we could spend the weekend together. She is silent for a minute and says well no, she is flyin back to NY the next day.  It has to be tomorrow. And she is angry at me for not dropping everything in less than 24 hours notice.  Then it dawns on me.  She has been in California for 3 moths and called me the day before she is leaving! :shock:I say Wait a minute. How long have you been in California?  She never really answered that question.  So I say...let me see what I can do.  I make arrangements with my boss (who was a lovely person) to come in late the next day (despite deadlines etc) so I can meet my Nmom for lunch.
We set it up, and we hang up.
I turned to my sweetie, and said "you watch, she will call and cancel in the morning. She will plead sickness of some sort. He rolled his eyes, and said No way.

[Starfish]

I just laughed. 

Sure enough the next morning my phone rings around 10am (2 hours before we are to meet for lunch).

"Hi mom. (C gasps, as I was right!) She canceled because she had "been up all night with a stomach bug, and just had to get some rest". 

Well I would have believed her had I not heard the very same excuse about 5 million times before.
The next day she got on a plane, and never mentioned that trip again.  Becasue she KNEW iwould repeat my question "how long have you been in California" and she did  not want to be the one not in control of the situation..Ideally, for her..I would have not been able to reschedule the day and SHE would have been able to play the victem..what kind of daughter am I not to drop everything to see her before she leaves.  Instead, it is forbidden topic of discussion.
I learned THAT lesson the year I confronted her over several incidents around that same period of time.  She refers to that attempt at open discussion as "the time I was so hateful to her".