written November 2007
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A few a years ago I met a woman through a mutual friend. The first time that I saw her she was praying at a Mass being held at our mutual friends house. I was struck by what seemed to be her exceptionally devote and genuine mannerisms while praying. Initially I can't say I was drawn to her but I was a bit curious, she seemed untouchable and bit aloof as if she would never walk up to someone and introduce herself, she seemed beyond approach.
Over the next several months I would see her at my friends house; it was there that she conducted spiritual direction sessions with parishioners and others. One day, our mutual friend gave me a book written by her that was about mystical experiences and Catholicism. I was curious so I read the book but I remained skeptical and decided to meet with her for an appointment in spiritual direction and grief counseling. In our very first meeting I was struck by what seemed to be a gentle, deeply spiritual and humble woman. She was gracious, feminine and extremely polite, almost to a fault. She seemed like the kind of person who would never hurt or even could be capable of hurting anyone.
[insert 5/1/08: Later I recalled that in our first meeting N-Saint shed tears. (funny - shouldn't the patient be the one to shed tears?) her tears were always a bit strange in that the were the stand alone kind of tears, just tears, no real emotion behind them but they were effective. Now I see that she was using pity to get me to think or see something about her. It did subtly play on my mind. Wow -- "crocadile tears!" -- Now I know for sure that she was a P or an N.]
I decided to work with her in hopes of deepening my faith and healing some old wounds. She has a MFCC license (actually, later to find out, an LSW) I was told that she specializes in grief counseling, I was hoping that she would be compassionate to the painful childhood memories and complicated grief that I was trying to work through and heal.
After about our second or third meeting she invited me into a prayer group which was led by her. The prayer group was strange but I was hungry for fellowship and in much need of new connections in my life. The psychology of the group appealed to me at first but after a while I became uncomfortable with what felt like spiritual elitism. When I would express my desire to leave the group I would be met with her calm but reassuring excuses covering what seemed a hidden frantic need. I figured that she was just really a deeply caring person and really wanted either what was best for me or what was best for the group. However, something just was not right, one thing that seemed certain was that she seemed bent at always being the center of attention. I had enough common sense to know that there was something peculiar in that.
Despite my falling interest in her prayer group we continued to work together in spiritual direction. I did learn somethings, however, overtime I became frustrated with what seemed like her subtle judgments, projections and lack of insight. There was a certain tension between us that began to develop. At times, I felt subtly despised by her. I recall one time, when I was in grief over the loss of my father when I was a small child, she kept hammering me with the need to forgive him. I was angry and dealing with old feelings and she was completely without empathy. Of course I would forgive him, but it takes time and it is a process. That was when I called it quits with her. I did try to express to her how I felt about her lack of compassion for my delayed grief and she gave one of those defensive unsympathetic apologies.
I was free... So I thought.
This NS woman runs in my social circle at my church, she is highly popular and well esteemed. Because of this and despite my intuition, I unconsciously questioned my judgment of her. I think that I hoped that one day we would at least be friends, I did like her or, I think it was her charm I liked. There was a time in our work and friendship when I would babysit her son and we became somewhat friends outside of working together in spiritual direction. At times I would even confess that I felt a bit jealous of the attention she gained through her work and her popularity but I felt OK enough with me and at peace with myself as well as I knew how to quickly nip aroused jealous feelings in the bud by being grateful at others gifts and goodness.
In my quest for spiritual growth I started working with a new spiritual director, a man that she knew and really respected or highly admired too. About a week after I ended my work with her I noticed that she asked this man to help spiritually direct her prayer group which I found to be a bit strange, the timing was interesting, I just assumed it was a coincidence but my gut told me something else.
A year goes by, I am still happily working with this priest in spiritual direction. I have not spoken with her, I have not seen her. I have felt better than I have in years, healing, growing, new friends, old friends, relationships are happy for me. The man that I work with leaves for the summer and instructs me to work with her in his absence. I am reluctant because of my hunch, something about her that just does not seem right. Nevertheless, I begin work with her on the phone and once again I sense contempt and despise coming from her at me, I feel subtly humiliated after our conversations. She seems incredibly distrustful of me and I always feel, the best way to describe it, emotionally dirty after I have a conversation with her, it is as if she brings out the worst in me.
As the summer moves on I begin to have more memories from the time that I was abandoned when I was a child, this is not a new set of memories, I have worked diligently on this particular trauma over the years. A close friend of mine was moving away this summer and it brought up some pain. The NS seemed aloof, unsympathetic to my pain, suffering. I finally had had it - I called her on this stuff, I told her how I felt, judged, despised, unable to open up with her, etc. Her response was to shut me out, the silent treatment - it hurt. I was tactful and kind the way I tried to relay my feelings, she was cold and contemptuous.
I let it go and moved on.
Then a week before my spiritual director, the priest, comes back to town, I hear that she has a Mass planned with him, he is not even back yet. A funny feeling crosses me but I dismiss it, "she would never do that," I tell myself, she is too spiritual, once again my gut is talking to me but my head is rationalizing it.
A few weeks later I meet with my spiritual director and he treats me with coldness and aloofness like I have never experienced from him, not to mention he treats me like the abuser in the situation with the woman. It becomes clear to be me that she spoke with him about me and made me out to be her scapegoat for her bad behavior. He refused to let me speak about the pain I was in surrounding my work with her. It was if whatever she said to him was cause for him to make sure I was silent. It felt as though she projected herself onto me and then made me out to be the narcissist to him and her out to be the victim.
My reputation has been ruined at my church, with other friends in my social circle and all the while I have been distressed. She is the really popular one, the kind one, the one with the degrees and the one that my spiritual director esteems. I feel as though my reputation was vandalized by her so that she could protect her image. She seems now to me to be a wolf in sheep's clothing.
Does this sound like a story of a narcissist?
The story has continued....
